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 Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 9:01 am
Even after Virell had left and Nick had showered and gotten ready to go and talk to Arias…he didn’t quite think he was ready. In fact, he had simply remained in the house until late, and then gone patrolling which had just caused more...issues. Ashanite issues. Upon waking the followoing morning, he knew that this had to be the day. A stop to get some flowers helped, of course…but then came the worry that perhaps Arias would think this was a bribe…or him trying to grovel…perhaps…perhaps he should put this off for another time…
It was late afternoon when the blonde finally arrived at Arias’s place and he thought about knocking…but also about just letting himself in, and ended up standing outside of his door for a good fifteen minutes before finally using his spare key and heading inside. “Hey there. It’s me. It’s Nick. You home, Arias?” He trudged into the living room, finding his boyfriend on the couch watching who knew what on the television. “Hey stranger. How are you? I uh…I brought you flowers.”
He held out the big bundle of roses and grinned, though it didn’t last long. “I…I really have to talk to you, Arias…if that’s okay…” Nick’s stomach was churning already and he thought that he might throw up right then and there, but now wasn’t the time for that.
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Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 2:57 pm
Arias glanced up when the door opened; his mouth was full of popcorn and his eyes had returned to the screen as soon as he was certain that it wasn’t a robber breaking in. He managed a smile and a wave before he finished chewing his mouthful but concern gradually washed over his face when Nick continued.
When he swallowed, he pushed himself up off the couch and set his bowl of popcorn on the table next to him; he muted the show on the television and looked back at Nick. “The flowers are beautiful, let me get a vase,” he said; he accepted them with caution, giving Nick a kiss on the cheek before he drew them to his nose and inhaled.
They smelled wonderful, but Arias couldn’t really enjoy that when his stomach was twisting with worry.
He tried to offer an encouraging smile before he moved into the kitchen to fetch a vase.
The kitchen and living room were really only one large room, separated by half a wall; even as Arias moved to the sink and pulled a vase from beneath it, he could still see Nick. Placing the flowers in the vase, he only added a little water before he continued, “What’s up, is everything okay? Do we need to sit down for this, or…?”
His mouth was dry by he tried to smile, for Nick’s sake. He didn’t want to worry him. “Can I get you anything to make you more comfortable? You don’t look so good.”
Which either meant Nick was actually sick…or the idea of this conversation was making him sick.
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:17 am
At least Arias seemed like he was in a pretty good mood. And the popcorn smelled good to boot. Hesitating, Nick shrugged at his questions and took a seat. “Yeah, sitting down is a good idea, I’m sure but…can I steal a bite of popcorn…?” He reached over and plucked a piece from the bowl before waiting for an answer and chewed it slowly, still trying to turn over what he wanted to say. Because…he didn’t know what he wanted to say at all. Everything felt so jumbled and mixed up in his head…
Finally, Nick drew in a deep breath. “I don’t need anything, thank you though…I uh. Everything is okay, yeah, like, I’m not dying or anything like that, so don’t worry I just…I have to come clean about some things…and apologize for a lot of things too…that’s all.
His gaze had moved downwards and he seemed fascinated by the stitching on the hem of his tee shirt. Just how did they get the stitches like that? He might never know, but this was not the time to be thinking about it…it was just better than thinking about what he wanted to say.
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:32 am
Arias watched Nick closely; Nick was as close to an open book as he’d ever been and Arias quickly found that his heart was pounding almost too much for him to handle. “You can have as much popcorn as you want. There’s a drink on the table if you get thirsty.”
Anxiety was not something Arias liked to deal with so he took a moment to draw in a deep, calming, breath before he walked back to the couch and took a seat next to Nick. It did not escape him that Nick had found something to focus his attention on other than him and, given what he’d just said, Arias braced himself for the worst.
He reached to take Nick’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Okay,” he said, trying to sound open and reassuring and not like he was preparing to hear that Nick was planning to join the Negaverse again or something. “What’s going on?”
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 10:00 am
Nick squeezed the hand back and after a long moment, managed to look up at Arias and give what he hoped was a passable smile. “I uh…I’m sorry. I’ve…” He blew out a breath, shaking his head. “I’ve been lying to you. And I don’t want to lie to you anymore…I…” He drew in a deep breath and kept his hand in Arias’s. “I haven’t…stopped…I’m…I’m cheating on you…I think. At least, you’d consider it that…I don’t…which is why I haven’t said anything but…”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you…I just…” There were no excuses. He knew he wouldn’t stop it. He liked Virell too much, liked Ashanite too much…
Swallowing hard once more, he shrugged. “I’m sorry…I don’t want to upset you…not at all. I…I love you.”
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 10:08 am
Though Arias’ face remained impassive after the confession, he didn’t seem angry. He was quiet and continued to look at Nick, as though he might have been waiting for more. Or, because he was sizing up how to best respond. He didn’t drop Nick’s hand, but he didn’t want to hold it, either. Not because he didn’t want the closeness but because it was very hard to give the impression of calm already without them touching.
He kept his breathing steady and even and, after a long moment of silence, just shrugged.
“I know.”
Really, did Nick think he’d been clever at hiding it? Emotions rolled over Arias and he didn’t know if he was mad at Nick for doing it, mad at him for coming clean, mad at him for thinking Arias was so oblivious.
But he was, sort of.
Arias had worked harder to keep this a secret than Nick had, if only because he didn’t want to deal with the outcome. He didn’t want to think that Nick could be whispering sweet nothings to anyone else, or that he could be trusting them the same way Arias trusted him, or that he could be making the same promises to each of them while knowing he couldn’t keep up with it.
He didn’t seem mad; maybe a little tired, but he could breathe a little easier knowing that was the confession Nick wanted to give him.
It wasn’t anything he didn’t know. It was just something they had to deal with, now.
“What made you decide to tell me?”
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 10:30 am
Nick felt his heart plummet somewhere near the region of his ankles and again he couldn’t look at the other male. “You…oh.” He knew. Carlee had told him…it was a wonder that Arias hadn’t dumped him ages ago. Blinking, the blonde felt tears springing to his eyes and that…wasn’t what he wanted right now. He didn’t want to go and cry. He…
“I was…I got sucked into a mirror or something the other day. Trapped in some I don’t know. I’m pretty sure that the Dark Mirror Senshi had something to do with it…you know, mirrors and all…and I ran into Alya…he’s a…he’s…a friend. But…he came over after and told me that Carlee knew about him and I…and I didn’t want you to hear it from your sister, I wanted you to hear it from me…and…”
His voice broke and the tears finally did spill over. Pulling his hand out of Arias’s Nick scrubbed at his eyes, trying to make it seem as though they were just itchy. “I don’t want to keep hurting you. But I don’t know how to stop loving them too. I’m so sorry.”
It was a pathetic excuse. He was pathetic.
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 10:50 am
Arias’ eyes flashed.
“What do you mean, Carlee knows?” he asked; it was the first source of anger he’d shown since any of this started, and it didn’t seem directed at anyone, it just existed.
He didn’t want her to know. That complicated thing so infinitely; he couldn’t even wrap his mind around it. She knew, and she didn’t tell him? No, why would she? She wouldn’t want him to hurt. She’d try to fix things before he ever found out so he wouldn’t wind up hurting.
He clenched his teeth and tore his gaze away for only a few seconds before he returned his attention to Nick.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to explain this to her. She didn’t say anything to me. I—” he faltered and released a frustrated sigh before he snatched Nick’s hand back. “You don’t need to cry. I’m not upset. I mean, I am, but I’m not mad at you. I mean, I am, a little, but—no, none of this is coming out right. What I mean is, I appreciate you being honest with me. If I was going to be mad about anything, it was that you were lying to me. It’s not easy to hear, but I know it wasn’t easy for you to say, and I appreciate you being honest with me.”
Even if it had taken him a while to get to that point. Any anger Arias had was quickly deflating; he didn’t like to see Nick cry, no matter how many times Arias had been feeling down because of this whole thing.
He supposed that’s just what it meant when you loved someone. It didn’t always make sense, and you certainly couldn’t control it.
“Look. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. I suppose, down the road, I was going to have to talk to you about it. And I told myself I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t trust, and if you’d kept lying to me…”
He sighed. “It’s hard to be mad at you when I see you like this and all I want to do is hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay. I don’t want you to be upset. I don’t want you to cry, and I don’t want your heat to hurt like this. I’ve had a thousand conversations in my mind to figure this out, to figure you out, and all I can settle on is the fact that maybe you don’t understand that it’s actually okay to love more than one person. That’s not the problem. I love you, for example. I love you passionately, and romantically, and in so many ways. I love Carlee, though, because she’s my sister. My parents, my family. My friends—I love all of them, in different ways. And I’m not ashamed of that. You,” he shrugged, and tried to offer a smile, even if his heart was pounding and his smile was faltering and his heart was hurting in some strange way he didn’t want to understand.
“…I think you just love everyone. You love them enough that I have to worry about you wandering home with strangers all the time. I know you love me, I was never worried about that. I just wonder…when you say you love me, how does that make it different from how you love all these other people? What makes this—what makes us special? What makes our relationship different from everything you have with them? I just. I just need to know that.”
He gave Nick’s hand a little squeeze and swallowed the lump in his throat.
“And then we can figure everything else out. All right?” he asked gently—reassuringly.
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:43 pm
Nick shrank away from the anger, kicking himself out of the fear that he had said something wrong…but…but it wasn’t really his fault that Carlee had found out. It wasn’t like he had told her. “Uh…yeah…she’s friends with Virell or something…I don’t know. Honestly, I had no idea…so…”
When Arias took his hand again, Nick looked over at him, a little bit of hope building in his eyes. Of course Arias was angry…he had ever right to be. But…”I’m sorry…I did try to stop…I really did. I…I just…I’m sorry.” He swallowed, looking away and wiping away the fresh tears that brimmed in his eyes. “I…I don’t know how to explain how it’s different with you…but it is…I…Virell understands that…he’s…I know that sounds stupid, but he’s jealous of you. Because I don’t love him like I love you…but I don’t…have the words to explain how it’s different…but…”
Running his thumb over the back of Arias’s hand, Nick thought about some way to explain it. “It’s not…the sex with you that draws me to you…it’s…it’s you. Your smile, your laughter, the way your eyes light up when people eat your cookies and the way you just look so happy to see them smile…” He swallowed again, once more swiping his hand across his eyes. “It’s not something I feel with Virell. I mean, I like him…and I don’t want him to be upset…but…I don’t know. He’s beautiful and great in bed…but he’s…he’s not…you and I know that’s the stupidest excuse ever…and I wish I had something better and more educated to say…and I’m sorry for upsetting you…I don’t…I don’t want to…but I don’t…know how to stop loving them…I don’t know if I can…and I’m so sorry.”
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:29 pm
There were a good few emotions coursing through Arias as Nick kept speaking, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to settle on any one emotion. He was angry, and jealous, and hurt, and sad, but Nick was trying to explain and he appreciated that much, at least.
He tried to commit to memory all the foreign names Nick had provided him with; he wasn’t sure what he could do with the information, but he’d take it as long as it was freely given. Just in case he wound up needing it somehow in the future. It was enough to buy him a few seconds while he tried to sort out his emotions.
In the end, he didn’t think he’d ever really understand. He was trying, though. He could do that much for Nick.
“I don’t get it,” he confessed after a few seconds. “I’m not trying to pick a fight, I’m not trying to create problems, I just don’t get it. I don’t look at other people and see anything worth loving—not like how I love you. I can see the good in them, I can see their passions and talents, but I don’t look at anyone else and think about spending the night with them.”
Of course, he already knew that sex wasn’t his priority; he was far less interested in it than Nick was—and, truthfully, he didn’t even know if it was something he valued at all in a relationship.
But Nick valued it. He wouldn’t have snuck around and found other people to be with if he hadn’t, and another surge of anger and jealousy pulsed through Arias’ veins. It was short lived, because his mind kept trying to rationalize it:
Arias didn’t care about those things. Nick did. Was anyone really getting hurt if it was just physical pleasure?
Arias almost, almost could have just accepted that—except he knew that Nick loved them, and the jealousy and anger threatened to bubble back up.
He sighed, heavily and took a few extra seconds to figure out what he wanted to say. He didn’t have words, either, so it took a moment to try and come up with something that made sense:
“I love you, I really do. And I’ve had a lot of time to think about all of this, and at the end of the day I keep coming back to the same fact: I love you. I love you enough that I didn’t break up with you when I saw you at dinner with some one else, or that I didn’t break up with you or confront you about this after I found out—I love you enough that I didn’t break up with you when we first talked about this, when you promised me you were going to stop. So I know, in my heart, that I don’t want to break up with you. And to be honest, you haven’t let me down—yet. I mean, with the romantic obligations. You haven’t missed a birthday or holiday or special event, and any time I’ve needed you, you’ve been there. What I want to know,” he looked up and caught Nick’s eyes, “Is if we stay together—if I know that you’re going to give a part of your heart to every pretty face that catches your interest—is that going to come back and bite me in the a** one day?”
He didn’t draw away; his fingers were still laced with Nick’s. He didn’t want to let go, but he kept the gaze just loose enough that Nick could pull away if he wanted to; he didn’t want him to feel trapped.
He continued, “When I’m fifty, sixty years old, and the best years of my life are behind me, am I going to come home one day to a note that says you found someone that makes you feel more than me?”
Arias looked guilty for asking, and it showed on his face. It felt selfish to ask—but he reminded himself that he was allowed to ask. Nick was the one cheating on him; he was allowed to look after himself and his well being. He was allowed to worry about what sort of relationship they were going to have now—and in the future.
Because, if Nick didn’t see a long term future with him, Arias had his answer.
If Nick wanted to be with him, now and forever…
Arias didn’t understand any of this, but he’d figure something out.
He just needed to know that despite whatever emotional—and physical—weaknesses Nick was having, he was in this for the long run.
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:53 pm
Nick didn’t want to let go of the hand, in fact, he only held on tighter, trying to figure out how best to reply…Arias didn’t want to break up, and that meant everything to him…but…
He blew out a breath, shoving the whole Ashanite and corruption fiasco to the back of his mind and drawing the brunette’s hand up to kiss it. “You…I know this sounds stupid but…you’re my boyfriend. They’re not. That distinction has always been clear to me…I know it seems stupid, and I know you don’t understand…but that’s how it is…you’re the one I spend birthday, holidays…I’d drop anything to be by your side if you needed me…I…I have connections with Virell…but…” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. This all sounded…horrible putting it into words. Nothing was coming out right. “And I would never just leave you a note…I couldn’t…I wouldn’t do that to you. You’re…you’re the most important person to me. Bar none…”
He raised the hand to his lips again and finally looked Arias in the eyes. “I don’t want to break up with you. I don’t want to think about that. It’s something that haunts me, Arias…if I didn’t have you…I don’t know what I would do. You are my rock. Without you…I have no foundation…”
That was the best he could do. He knew that it was the absolute truth though…without Arias…he would give up. He would go back to the darkness without any hesitation…as it was right now…he was still unsure…still on the edge if only because of who held his hand.
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 10:17 pm
Arias laughed softly, but it was partially without mirth. “No pressure, then, right?” he teased. It was a heavy conversation; he didn’t want to chase Nick away. He was taking this seriously but he was still afraid Nick would leave if everything stayed too heavy.
“If it makes you feel any better…” He was quiet for a moment and then released a slow sigh. “I don’t want to break up. I don’t want to lose you—not as my boyfriend, not as a friend, and certainly not to the Negaverse.”
Because, in his heart, he lived each day knowing that it was calling to Nick. He didn’t know why, or how, but he had seen Nick at his weakest, when he craved it. A part of Arias was still afraid that if Nick went, he would try to drag him into it all, too. But Arias would do what he could to save himself, and to save Nick.
“I’m not happy about this,” he said earnestly, “I don’t like the idea of you and anyone else. I think it’s asking for trouble, but. Maybe you know more about how to make those things work out than I do. What I know is, you need to stay healthy. So, whoever you’re going home with, don’t…don’t be stupid about it. You’re not indestructible, and I don’t want you catching something. And I’m sorry, I know that’s such an unromantic thing to say, but if you’re going to do this, you need to do it right, and you need to do it safely. For you and me. And you need to be careful—maybe I can explain things to Carlee, maybe, but if my parents see you?”
He shook his head. “Well, that’s it, Nick. My mom will be lining up ‘nice girls’ for me to meet so she can get back up to the ‘give me a grandchild’ spiel. Which,” he hesitated and chewed on his lower lip for a moment. “Down the road, I want that in my future. I know we’ve joked about it, but. Those are the things normal, long term couples are supposed to do, right? They settle down, move in together, have kids…”
Once more, his eyes found Nick’s.
“…Are we going to be able to have that?”
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 10:35 pm
“No…I don’t want there to be any pressure…I wasn’t trying to…” He let his gaze drop again, feeling anxiety coiling up in his chest. Though when Arias reassured him that he didn’t want to break up…wanted to remain friends…and…
The last part made his head jerk up and he stared at Arias for a long moment before shrugging. “I’ll be careful…I’ll…go get checked out, make sure I’m…not catching anything…and…”
Nick didn’t quite know how Arias knew. Didn’t quite know why he thought about saying something about the Negaverse, but it had his head spinning and he couldn’t quite focus on the rest of what was said. Children. Settling down…
Hadn’t he spoken to Ashanite about all of that? Of course he wanted it…but when he spoke to Ashanite…it was hypothetical, something that was so far out of reach that it didn’t…do anything by talking about it. Wanting it. There was no way to actually get what he ‘wanted’…but if he settled down with Arias…if they actually adopted a child…
Nick couldn’t keep Arias’s gaze as the thoughts bounced around his head, nothing making sense. Nothing coherent. “I…I think I’ll be a s**t father, Arais…I want…I think I want kids, but the thought kind of makes me feel like I’m going to throw up…I’m not good for things like that…I’ll mess up.” The words tumbled out of his mouth with no permission from his brain and he looked at Arias once more, his expression that of a deer in headlights.
…Everything with Arias was real. Everything else…really wasn’t.
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 11:00 pm
Arias continued to watch Nick closely; he was careful not to let a bit of disappointment show. He hadn’t expected Nick to jump at the idea of kids, and it wasn’t something Arias thought they needed to get involved in right now, but he didn’t want there to be any confusion about what his end goals were.
“You’re being too hard on yourself,” he said after a few seconds. “Every parent messes up. Mine did, yours did. It’s like playing a video game, except you get no instructions—no tutorial. Knowing that you’re going to mess up is just being prepared. We’re only humans, Nick. We mess up every day, all the time. Sometimes on little things, sometimes on big things. The important thing is that we know when we’re in over our head, and we know who we have to support us. I want to support you. No matter what ever happens, I’ll always be here for you. But I don’t think you’ll be a bad father by any means. You’re great with kids. Carlee adores you.”
Or, at least, he thought she did; he wasn’t sure where she stood on things right now. But he was going to hope for the best.
“I’m not saying we’d have to go get a kid today, tomorrow, next week, next year, but…”
Arias shrugged and looked at the couch, almost guiltily. “I want kids. And I don’t want to pressure you, but I don’t think you’d be as bad of a father as you keep saying. We could go to parenting classes, or volunteer with some Big Brother programs if you wanted to practice. But, I know this is what I want. And there are a lot of things I’m willing to compromise on, but not that.” He was resolute, at least; Arias had his own doubts about being a parent, but he knew that somewhere in his life he was going to adopt. “And I trust you.”
He squeezed the man’s hand. “You’re a great guy with so much love to share. And I have no problem being the bad guy. Carlee says I’ve already got the worrying and nagging about dental hygiene and bedtimes downpat, so if you need to be the ‘fun dad’, I can work with that. We can work things out. I mean, small steps at a time, because there are things that I’m going to have to get used to, but…I’d rather work with you than lose you, Nick. And if you can guarantee that you fully intend to grow old with me, no matter how many other people you meet, then we’ll find some way to make this work out. I’ll talk to Carlee, we’ll get everything smoothed over. I just need to know that you’re in this for the long run, and you know that means that one day I want us to live together, and to raise a child. And I’ll love and support you no matter what, I just. It doesn’t have to be immediate, but that’s what I want.”
He chanced another look, trying to read Nick’s expression.
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Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 11:26 pm
Nick was allowing the fantasy of having a family wash over him again. Christmases around a tree, fresh baked cookies, laughter…everything. The smallest of smiles formed on his face as the idea began to solidify and he sighed, flopping over and resting his head on Arias’s shoulder. “…My lease is up in March. Maybe…if you wanted…I could just…not renew it? And we could move in together?”
It was more than enough time to see what else was going to happen. More than enough time to figure out where he really stood with Ashanite.
…He knew where he stood. He wanted the General to purify…but didn’t really know how to go about asking…and he was stupid. He knew that. Being around him made Nick’s mind go all fuzzy and…and dark.
It was kind of dangerous, when he thought about it but…
But Arias was the balm the soothed all of his longings for chaos. Arias was his light…and he didn’t want to abandon him…and they would be okay. “…Maybe you and I could get a kitten and practice being parents that way…and we could work towards adopting a child if you know…the cat doesn’t die after a month or so? I think that would be a pretty good indication that we’re…that I’m not a complete…that we’d be okay parents…” Nick looked hopeful, and gave another little smile. “I…There’s nobody I would want a family with other than you.” It was almost the truth. But it was truth enough for this situation.
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