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Her mood was low again and nothing she tried was fixing it. Not that she was trying very hard in all honesty. One could only work through these so much before giving up. She was so close to giving up completely.

There had been hope at one point when she'd been introduced to her sister and her fathers. She had thought that having family to focus on, grandparents aside, would ease the pain. But two years into her mother's death and no healthy coping mechanisms had already caused enough damage. Seeing such a happy family, like she had once had, just seemed to make it worse.

Still for a time things had been okay and she could smile, she could stop lying to her grandparents that she was okay. The world had been a little brighter despite being awakened into some sort of magical super soldier to fight some sort of cosmic war. Which hadn't been all bad, if she were honest, she had some friends finally.

Sort of.

And then one day it all wasn't okay. One day there was a "what if" thought and suddenly her mom could be seen in a home she'd never lived in.

It was a shock the first time she thought she'd seen her mom in the kitchen cutting up strawberries, grinning like a joke had been shared between the two of them. Amarantha had paused where she'd been standing, pain in her chest. With a blink she was gone and Amarantha missed class the next day because she'd been unable to cope.

It kept happening, more often after the raid on the rift, and she had no way of knowing how much of it was hallucinations and how much of it was wishful thinking. Was she so desperate to see her mother that her mind was literally just showing her phantom images where she could have been?

The living room ended up trashed when she lost control of herself, struggling to comprehend why this was happening and why she couldn't just move on?! This hadn't been a recent thing, the woman had been dead for five years! And it had been resolved even, so it wasn't like it was a case that had been growing cold! A life sentence for some sort of "crime of passion" murder because of jealousy and being unable to move past the fact the relationship was over.

Did it have something to do with the fact she couldn't cope with the realization she'd never be there? Graduations (of one she hadn't been able to attend already), dates, weddings, children, never knowing her daughter was fighting a war for their future...

The sound of music broke through her thoughts and she found her room a mess again, things thrown everywhere and a pillow clutched tightly to her chest. Her chest hurt, had she been sobbing or had she screamed her sorrow again?

She really needed to stop listening to this song but it helped in some way?

Amarantha knew she should get up and turn it off but was afraid she'd do something stupidly drastic if she moved from where she was curled up. It was best to wait until the morning when she was more in control of herself.

Still she couldn't help but to wonder just how much grieving would she have to do to move past the metaphorical spectre of her mother that always seemed to linger? Why couldn't anything in her life actually be something that she could healthily (or not) channel her focus on and just move on?

There was no way that she could ever become even a smidgeon closer to the amazing woman her mother was. Not like this. And that was probably the thought that hurt the most. It certainly started up a new wave of tears and she burried her face back into the snot and tear stained pillow.

Over by her door frame she was certain she'd seen her mother frowning at her just before her face hit the pillow. And she couldn't tell if it was disappointment or because this illusionary spectre could do nothing to comfort her daughter.

No one could ever know that she wasn't as together as she seemed.