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 Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 9:48 pm
He wanted to be drunk for this, and he didn't want to be drunk for this. Maybe he should have tracked Lucky down and borrowed that damn ring. He hadn't done that. Jordan slipped into the bar in the early afternoon, found himself a seat at the end of the bar, and looked up at the bear skull that hung on the wall as he waited for Rep to make an appearance.
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:18 am
Rep wasn't happy. Well, on the surface he was happy and as far as everything around him went he should have been happy. He had Harrison, he had a kid to look after, a job, a house. It should have been perfect and yet daily he wracked himself with guilt that it wasn't, that he could even feel depressed at all in the face of so much good fortune. He'd talked to Harrison about it and after the run-in in that alternate universe where everyone was horsemen they'd come to an agreement about what was all right and what wasn't. He'd just done nothing with it since then, too wrapped up in his own sadness, throwing himself into blue kingdom and his work. It was all avoidance and coping, using everything as a means to needle himself, even twitter being a reminder constantly that he wasn't liked and that the world should generally just ignore him to be happy, that his abscence was preferable to him being there at all.
Mask helped with things, giving him something to focus on that wasn't the cliffs or fighting the monsters which now beset the island, something constructive. The bar was routine he needed and something which had always made him feel good because when he was there he was there generating money, something which in turn made Harrison happier.
Sauntering in he didn't at all expect to see Jordan, sure the other man had been avoiding him as usual and being a bit sad about that too on top of everything else.
"Sup." he said, making his way along behind the bar. "Can I get you anything?" And he cracked a smile. "I'll give you a discount for being a ******** attractive blonde."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 9:41 am
"Just a beer," Jordan replied, his smile mostly automatic. He studied Rep, looking for something he couldn't quite describe, for signs of contentment, maybe. Now that they were both here, he didn't want to start this, didn't want to have the whole endless conversation over again and solve nothing. "How's it going?"
He wasn't going to be able to pretend that nothing was wrong, though. That facade was already cracking around the edges, too thin to retain for long.
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 9:53 am
Rep fetched a beer, of a brand he knew Jordan normally drank and slid it across the bar. "Dunno if you want a glass." he said idly.
How were things going? He almost lapsed into the usual, the flat joking tone of oh it's not bad, everything's pretty decent, can't complain but then he remembered who he was actually talking to and lying to him seemed completely pointless and counter intuitive.
"No great." he said. "I mean, it should be perfect, everything is set up perfect. Everything someone could ever ******** want, and yet here I am. Ungrateful I guess, or just no cut out for a family life. How's s**t going for you?"
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 10:04 am
"Bottle's fine." Jordan popped the cap off and sipped. Hearing that Rep wasn't happy with what he had was strange, and it stirred a roil of conflicting emotions in him, sorrow and a kind of distant resentful satisfaction and concern all mixed together and muddied.
It was honesty, at least. He was still allowed to see past the surface defenses, and he answered that honesty with his own. "Tired," he said, "still feeling pretty isolated." He watched Rep's face. "Neither of us are doing that great, huh?"
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 10:14 am
Rep sighed and nodded. "Aye. We urnae."
He'd talked with Harrison, they'd spent a long long time talking about things and especially Jordan, because with Rep it was something that persistently had lingered and ate away at him. Harrison had explained his feelings on it all and it had been fine, it made sense that he felt the way he did and Rep had also explained that he didn't need to change any of that. They'd eventually come round to a compromise, but it was something Rep was afraid of even bringing up, the idea of rejection, of responsibility and the possibility he could ******** things up all over again making him avoidant and anxious.
But it was there. Something he meant to say and needed to say.
"Things are shitty."
Normally he didn't drink on the job, a rule he'd put in place for his own sanity and to keep him out of the quicksand of alcoholism. He smoked though, he'd stopped for ages, but in recent months had found himself drawn to the satisfaction of a quick cigarette now and then. With weapons it wasn't really a problem.
Today he made exception, fishing out some of the whisky he favoured, pouring himself a glass of it, maybe it would make it easier, it usually made things easier.
"I miss you." And he always said it, and it never made things better, but every time he'd say it because it was true, because the ache of it never went away and leaving it unsaid would be a lie.
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 10:22 am
"Things are shitty," Jordan agreed with a sigh, a twist of bitterness making itself quietly at home in his stomach. He knew as well as anyone that having what seemed to be perfect wasn't always the way it looked from the outside, but being on the outside made it harder to remember that, to internalize it. He wanted, and he kept coming up against that glass wall. He lifted his bottle in a sour toast.
He almost flinched at what came next, the corners of his mouth and eyes going tight. "I miss you too," he replied, because it didn't help anything and because it was true, because it was what he'd come to talk about anyway and there wouldn't be a better opening to begin it. "It's been ... a while." They'd been unable to avoid each other on the island, and the contact had been both satisfying and painful.
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 10:28 am
Rep clenched his hand and took a long burning swig of his whisky, downing it in one and exhaling after.
"Look." he said. "I talked to Ace. About well.." and he gestured at all of himself and Jordan.
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 10:53 am
"You did?" Jordan put the beer bottle down and laid his hands flat on the surface of the bar, everything about him going tense in expectation. This was it, then. This would be the end of everything, and he found that in spite of his half-formed resolve, his stomach had twisted into a knot like a black hole in anticipation of grief. "What did you decide?" He tried for casual, but it came out tight, halfway to desperate.
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 11:33 am
Rep took a deep breath, determined to get it right, or at least to throw words at everything until some of them stuck well enough to make his point clear.
"Aye. I hashed s**t out, how I felt and asked how he felt, he was pretty clear in it all. We talked about the pros, the cons, the things that mattered. I had to explain like, Tracey's situation along with my own. I just...it was hard to express and I like, I understand why he's hurt and how he feels the way he does."
He refilled his glass just to have something to do with his hands.
"He doesn't want to be like, brought into it, like wooed or like treated like he's all equal and the same, he wants a respectful distance. But he says like..us.. is all right. ******** and stuff, that it's ok. It's no cheating when its you. He's just got a lot of hurt and like, has moved on. I can't move on, I cannae sever attachment and defo like, cannae just snap away from you, no matter how long it takes." Another swig. "The only other condition like. Is one he wants respected I guess. It's like, a clean bill of health from the labs on the bug STD thing. I don't think you ******** Melvin, but it'd be something we'd need to get cleared cause you've been around him."
It sounded awful saying it out loud. "You know how scared of bugs he is, it's like, his worst nightmare. I think he just wants to be completely sure, and I want to be able to say yeah its all fine, don't worry, everything is good. Beyond that though, it would be fine."
He picked up the glass and took a shaky handed sip of it. "I mean.. if that like.. if that would ever... be something you'd be interested in.. I don't want to impose I'm just like, I'm just telling you...what... what he said."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 11:54 am
It was like stepping onto something that fell out from underneath, like being in freefall. Jordan had expected a final rejection, the closing of a door that had stood barely cracked open for so long. Instead it had been opened in front of him, and the weightless relief he felt almost made him sick with its intensity and scope.
He had been twisting into himself to try to find a place where he was okay with moving on. He didn't have to, and he barely knew what to think about that. Ferros was a flutter of shocked happiness within him.
He took a deep breath, swallowed a mouthful of beer just to have enough time to start to compose a response. "I won't -- I won't bother him. He's made it clear he doesn't want me like that any more. That he's done. I can respect that." It hurt, still, but Jordan had been acclimating to that hurt. Maybe in time it would ease. "I can do a test. To be able to show that. Yeah. I ... " The words caught in his throat, unusually inarticulate. "I still want you," he managed after a moment. "I still want to be with you. I always have."
All the things he had been preparing to feel and say had been overturned. He'd come expecting to ask and be turned down, to reach out for a handhold and be dropped. He took a long breath. "Sleep with me once in a while," he asked. "Doesn't have to be staying overnight or anything. I just ... need that."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 1:27 pm
Rep didn't know how Jordan would take the news or how he'd react, immediately panicking as he put it out there that it sounded petty and no good. His own relief was intense when Jordan didn't react badly or tell him to go ******** himself, the adrenaline a dull roar in his ears as he listened.
He was willing to do it, willing to do the test for Harrison. He was waiting as always for the catch, braced for the next reason why it couldn't work, why it'd be a nice thing that wasn't going to happen.
But it didn't come.
"Yeah." he said. "Gladly. More than gladly. ********. It's been. So ******** long." and he took another long swig of his whisky. "How quick do you think they can do a test?" he said, putting the empty glass down on the table again with a click.
"Because I respect its necessity but I ******** resent the delay."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 2:18 pm
Jordan reached across the table to touch Rep's hand, unable to help the gesture, a feeling in his chest as though he'd been hollowed out and filled back up with something buoyant. He could feel the expression on his face, open and fragile and hopeful, and he was glad that nobody else was watching right now.
"So long, god," he said fervently. So long since he'd had any kind of regular contact at all, much less what was being offered now, and he wanted it so badly, and he could have it. "I don't know how long the tests take to come back, but I'll go over there today. I just need a minute." He breathed deeply, admitted, "I came in here expecting -- expecting to be told I couldn't have anything at all."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 2:49 pm
Rep took a firm hold of Jordan's hand this time, not shrinking or uncertain any longer. The long period of dreams and stability in his life had made him stronger, blue kingdom rubbing off somewhat in a confidence that had grown. He was still depressed and pessimistic as a person, but he was less afraid of other people and less concerned that he was unlikeable and repulsive. He rubbed Jordan's hand between his forefinger and thumb.
"Aye I was worried for a while that that was it, that Ace just was done with everything. But he surprised me. I didnae expect you to be awright with it either. I was waiting to be told to piss off."
He smiled. "I'm glad you didnae tell me to piss off."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 3:04 pm
Jordan curled his fingers around Rep's hand, feeling his warmth. "It can't be the way it used to be, but I can have this. I've been waiting." This was enough, this would be enough. "I needed to know. I'm glad you told me."
They'd both been expecting rejection, it seemed, and maybe that was because of the long period of awkward avoidance. That was over now. They would figure out the new shape of things, the way it would be and how the pieces of their lives that included each other would fit together. "Ferros is happy," he added.
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