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 Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 12:49 pm
(( Collective log from gdocs ))
He had an absurdly large headache.
For someone who was not used to drinking - and for someone who rarely drank at all, because given the chance, Merric would have rather kept his wits about him, most of the time - it felt unbelievably disorienting, not to mention off putting.
It also took him quite a bit of time to actually wake up the next morning, Merric hitting the snooze button several times before he eventually dragged himself up, realizing that if he slept any later, he’d miss his assigned duty shift.
It was, Merric thought, as he stumbled around his room, gathering clothing and trying to tie his tie with bleary eyes, spectacularly unfair that he should be forced into a duty shift the morning after a late night involving alcohol, stripping, singing, and kisses.
Lots of kisses.
He wasn’t thinking about those. Merric shoved his arms through a dove gray waistcoat, buttoned it hurriedly, and headed out of the room to the underwater observatory room where he would be stationed for the next several hours.
Maybe if he was truly lucky, he’d be on his own to contemplate things.
--
Lysander didn’t drink, at least not often. He had a lot to lose by drinking as a general rule. He never touched anything much at office parties and the one time he had in the past had ended up with a vaguely compromising position which he’d sworn never to repeat. It brought out something in him which lay far beneath the surface, something he’d kept chained and controlled for decades. He knew it was there because he’d learned no small number of tactics for dealing with anger over the years and managed it like he’d learned to manage people. A lot of managing people was just being willing to listen to them.
He wished he listened to his own conscience more. He woke with a killer headache and was outright relieved to see that his duty was somewhere quiet. Underwater duty was usually peaceful and a little dark, somewhere to zone out and hope his headache passed.
He felt like he was looking at himself through a lens of decisions he couldn’t understand. Arousal did things to him, it made him wild, made him make decisions he would never normally make, and afterwards he couldn’t understand. Either way he’d done it, he’d kissed a slew of people and dared a slew of other people to do all sorts of things and ended up in a completely compromised situation.
There’d be a few extra spells that night, just to make sure that no one was adversely affected by the events.
When he wandered into the observation station, he paused, spotting Merric. Mercifully years of holding his cards to his chest as a manager had him hardly skip a beat, dressed this morning in a comfortable suit and wearing his hair down mostly because he’d only had time to brush it all rather than braid it.
------
Merric had only been in the room for a few minutes before the door opened again to reveal possibly the least expected person that Merric had been hoping to see. He wasn’t quite as adept at concealing the immediate sense of surprise that crossed his face, or the faint red flush that followed, though he did manage to internalize approximately seventy-five percent of the instinctive panic that also accompanied both of these things.
He smoothed a hand down the front of his clothes, an idle, unconscious gesture and mostly just something to do with his hands, which wasn’t much.
“Lysander,” Merric managed, with only a little hesitation to the name. He offered a slight, tentative smile that felt a little forced, not because he wasn’t glad to see Lysander, but possibly because he wasn’t actually glad to see Lysander until he worked out what exactly had happened to his head the night before.
“Ah…” He cast around wildly for a good conversational topic and settled on the most mundane of them.
“I assume you’re here for duty as well? It seems a quiet shift is in order.”
----
Lysander gave the other man a big smile, even in the face of a hangover. They were of a similar mindset and he wouldn’t at all be surprised if Merric was also feeling the sharp end of a similar sort of headache as he was dealing with.
“Yeah. I was pretty happy honestly when I saw that it was underwater today. I don’t think I could have dealt with a minipets shift or something like that.” if that was the case he would have needed to go find Ros to do all the work for him and that would be more effort when Ros was probably also in the same state as everyone else.
He exhaled and sat down heavily in one of the chairs. “What a night.” he said wearily.
---
Merric’s headache felt as though it was increasing just by the sheer, unwanted anxiety he was feeling over his current situation. He had seated himself in a chair near to the wide window, a small table in front of him to hold paperwork and pens, though he hadn’t had time to look anything over at all.
“It’s….rather nice down here, yes,” said Merric, with a glance around the room. He winced a little. “I’d much prefer being down here rather than on one of the fields, or in the labs right now.”
Plus, animals. Or, well, possible sea creatures, really, which was always a bonus.
Merric did not want to think about last night. He managed a slight smile. “It...was unexpected, that’s for sure.”
There was a slight pause, and then he asked tentatively, “Are you...feeling all right?”
---
“Sure, I’m fine.” Lysander said. He wasn’t too upset by what had happened, convinced most people would simply forget if he didn’t talk about it too much. “I mean, I have a bit of a hangover, I don’t drink all that much if ever. You?”
He was a little concerned by how shaken the other man had seemed and wondered if perhaps he’d overstepped a line or two with his dares.
---
“I rarely drink,” Merric admitted. One elbow rested on the table, narrow fingers absently massaging his temple, a few papers scattered over the desk top. “A glass of wine here and there, perhaps, but only if the occasion calls for it. I’m not...really a whiskey person,” he added, with a touch of ruefulness to his voice.
Merric was having a jolly old time nursing both his own hangover and reliving the events of the previous night repeatedly in confusing detail, whereas Lysander seemed as cool as a cucumber. He wondered whether Roswell felt the same; if he was holed up somewhere dark or if he was going about his usual business with the usual efficiency.
Likely the latter. Merric pressed his lips together uncertainly.
“I’m sorry,” he said, the words coming out unintentionally, and a slight flush darkened Merric’s cheeks. “Ah, for...for last night.”
He hadn’t quite forgotten the annoyance on Lysander’s face. Merric’s fingers still moved against his temple.
“I didn’t...mean to offend you with anything, that was not my intention at all.”
---
“Sorry?” he said with a smirk and one which had an edge of something a bit playful in it. “Good. You are learning.”
“I’m not a drinker myself, it lands me in trouble more often than not. I don’t like who I become.”
He looked out at the looming ocean. “I’m not gay, no matter what that ring said.” he said. “So don’t get any of the wrong ideas. It was dares and that is all. We are still good friends, good associates, but..”
---
He wanted to ask what he was learning, but that didn’t sound quite right, and besides, Merric had meant the apology for what it was. His hands twisted together, fingers grazing the ring, and gave a single nod of understanding before saying, “I’ve learned that drinking can...change people, in ways. It’s why I’ve abstained, most of the time.”
That, and he just had no interest. But it wasn’t like he’d resisted when the bottle was passed to him, because he’d wanted it, and he’d wanted to forget, most of all.
The forgetting hadn’t happened. Instead, Merric had just gotten a spectacular headache and a great deal more confusion.
He glanced over at Lysander, lips pressing together, the color still slightly in his cheeks and said quickly, “No, I - I understand. I haven’t gotten any ideas, I just wanted to - make sure everything was all right.”
The night of truth loomed over him. Merric said, “I’d like to...remain friends. I didn’t mean to push either of you two into doing things outside of your own comfort, but I stayed true to the game, as much as possible, I suppose.”
---
“Yes, it can be trouble. Makes you think some things are a good idea which might not otherwise be. Admittedly it doesn’t matter as much here, am I going to get fired for acting on impulse and throwing someone against a wall or over a table when the other person is into it as well? Hardly. There’s no HR to discipline or worry about.” he shrugged. “Still, probably better to watch what I get involved in, people here can be touchy, don’t want to offend people or burn bridges when I’m still really, really new.”
Merric got a smirk. “It’s fine, I just was a little bit concerned. I don’t want you stealing Roswell away, I’d be hopeless without my personal assistant.”
---
He felt the weight of that statement press down on him. Merric opened his mouth to try and answer it, failed, and said instead, “No, I suppose you won’t be. We’ve already established what a nightmare HR is here, and besides, I feel as though they need us too much to let us go now as it is. We’re valuable assets, after all.”
Merric offered Lysander a faint smile and added, “Perhaps. People here tend to...overthink, I’ve noticed.”
Including himself. Especially himself.
Like right now. Merric had no doubt that a Lysander without Roswell would prove to be vastly different in many ways. “No, I would never try to do that,” he said, which, in spite of everything else that he’d said, was the absolute truth. “It’s hard to even imagine one of you without the other, and he’s an excellent assistant.”
He was silent for a moment, and then,
“It...bothers you, Lysander? People thinking that you’re gay?”
---
“Yes, I think people are allowed to do whatever they want here short of killing each other, at least what I’ve been able to gather. It’s a lawless place, nothing like home. Culture shock and then some.” he looked a little bit sad about that, finding himself actually missing board rooms and meetings.
“And yes he’s a great assistant, he’s learned all my little ins and outs, all the things I like and don’t. I couldn’t ask for better in that respect.”
When Merric followed up with a question, Lysander’s expression seemed to ice over, his smile fading, replaced with a very tight frown. “Of course it does!” he said, in what was surprisingly defensive and tetchy. “Because I’m not! I have never looked at some random man and thought anything about them other than simply that they are another human being, I’m insulted that anyone might assume otherwise.”
And it was hard to stop talking, a tightness in his chest making it almost frantic. “It means they are imagining me all wrong, seeing me the wrong way. And the sexual aspect I would NEVER let someone...” he hunched his shoulders, shuddering. “It’s too awful to even say it.”
----
Merric winced slightly. “Well, I should hope that no one actually wants to kill each other in the first place. Admittedly, the anarchy of it all is a little distressing; it’s hard to find order in a place that seems built around disorder.”
The coldness of Lysander’s expression was almost startling. Merric had asked the question before his head had fully had time to wrap around it, and the vehemence of the answer made his eyes widen, Merric’s lips parting in silent surprise.
He rose from his chair and stepped over, Merric stretching out a hand that didn’t quite make contact with Lysander’s shoulder before he drew it back again. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly, cheeks reddening. “I didn’t - I didn’t mean to imply that I saw you that way, I just...wanted to understand, is all. You’re not - I mean, I know you’re not.”
His fingers curled against his own palm. “You’re Lysander Astoria, you’re not...that.”
Whatever “that” really was.
---
“I wouldn’t be surprised honestly given the tone of a lot of things which I’ve heard said and the callousness they treat death with. I feel like a lot of them have become unhinged, like long term soldiers and I haven’t seen even one bit of counselling since I got here. But we will make order on our own, I come to a land of savages and I refuse to simply become one of them, we’ll find a way to bring civilisation here with us.” Addressing this seemed to make him feel better, veering away from the topic of sexuality until he could find some semblance of capacity to cope with it.
He took a deep steadying breath, consciously relaxing and counting internally to ten before he spoke again. “I know you don’t mean ill by it. It’s just, a complicated thing I suppose. I don’t have a problem with gay people, Roswell is a homosexual, he told me and I was fine with that, I don’t mind going to nudist beaches with him, changing around him, I’ve never felt threatened by him or like it was a ..predatory thing or anything. It is simply his inclination. I just don’t know how I feel about people looking at me like that. I don’t consider myself part of any lifestyle other than my religion I suppose, and the idea of someone imagining me submitting, enjoying some big strong man manhandling me or anything like that turns my stomach. I was never very sexual in any respect. If I felt pent up I went horse riding, that was what helped, and I don’t think that’s a sexuality.”
He rubbed his forehead. “There’s something wrong with me ultimately.” he said. “I’d never allow myself to have a relationship, nor want one again, I’m just not wired for it, everything is all a little bit off.”
---
It was unfortunately true, probably, Merric thought. From what he’d seen of many of the people on the island so far, even on Twitter, people had a habit of being extraordinarily rude and dismissive of everyone else. It made for a very tense situation all around.
“Civilization is important,” Merric agreed, slowly sinking into the chair beside Lysander’s and curling his hands together in his lap. “It’s at least comforting to know that there are others here that aren’t as averse to order and the like, which is why I feel I get along as well as I do with certain people.”
And not with others. Merric’s fingers had gone back to the ring on his hand, absently twisting as he listened to Lysander. It all seemed...well, he wasn’t sure what it seemed, in all honesty. A lot of confusion, likely, for Merric, at least, because he still had not yet figured out anything of the mess inside of his head that he’d been putting off thinking about.
“I...don’t necessarily think that it would mean submitting, er, in that sense,” said Merric tentatively, then added quickly, cheeks flushed, “But I have no more knowledge of it than anyone else, really, I’m not...familiar with anything personal or anything. I’m not...I haven’t ever had the sort of experience it seems many others here have had, so I can’t say for certain.”
He was quiet for a moment, then said, “I don’t...necessarily think that there’s anything wrong with you if you don’t want a relationship again, not everyone is meant to. And as you’ve said, Roswell being gay doesn’t threaten you at all, it’s just who he is.”
---
“It does though, no one would do a relationship which goes only one way. It was fine when I was married. No one imagines you being topped by your wife or anything like that. No one imagines they were in charge in that sense.” He shook his head. “It’s all about being thought of as weak. I’m not weak. I mean physically maybe a bit but in my head I’m not a wishy washy person.”
He gave Merric a sympathetic look. “Probably a good thing you’ve not had a lot of experiences, the more that happens the more heartache it usually means. The world is full of horrible people and they will just...do things for no reason.”
He sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want a relationship exactly. I know that Roswell is in love with me, I’ve known it for years. I just like things the way they are, I like the power, I like how it feels and I don’t ...ever really want that to stop. That’s why I’m a horrible person I guess. I enjoy having control and distance, I prefer it to having to do the whole, romance thing.”
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Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2017 1:29 pm
He considered this, then considered his parents' marriage, and tried to work out whether theirs had been a balanced thing. It didn't quite seem realistic, in some respects; and in all honesty, Merric had forgotten that Lysander had been married, once.
"I've never thought of you as weak in any respect," he said, which was perfectly true. If there was one thing that Merric did not associate with Lysander, it was weakness, for a variety of reasons; he wished, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he had that sort of confidence. "But that doesn't seem far off from the truth, relationships, I assume, are meant to be a fair and equal thing."
Not that he had any idea what that meant, either. Merric privately agreed about the heartache thing, but a part of him felt strangely disappointed at the idea that he could possibly never relate to anything at all.
It really, in all honesty, came as no surprise at hearing that Roswell was in love with Lysander, though it did startle Merric a little to learn that Lysander knew of it so blatantly. "I don't...see you as horrible," he said hesitantly. "Not at all. And Roswell...well, I mean, he seems the sort to know what he's about, he's a highly intelligent man. Your relationship makes sense for what it is. You're both suited for it, aren't you?"
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Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 1:45 pm
Lysander was surprised to say the least by how accepting Merric was of what he'd just said. He'd been expecting revulsion, horror at how he could be so utterly callous towards someone so invested in him and in love with him. But he was right he supposed, Roswell for whatever reason chose the life he had and Lys couldn't really understand why.
"I suppose you are right." he said. "Though sometimes if I'm honest with myself, I think that Roswell would like something more than what there is, some kind of romance, dating, whatever it could be. And then at the same time I don't know. I don't know much about what he's like in his heart of hearts. We've had a long relationship, that is certain, but there has always been something superficial there, I don't pry too deeply into his past or feelings and he lets me keep him at arm's length."
He didn't enjoy talking about it and he wasn't sure of why that was either, a sick guilty feeling slithering in his gut at the way he treated Roswell.
"He indulges sides of me that I don't think anyone else would. He should have quit a long time ago honestly. Or sued me. I was always surprised he didn't sue me."
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Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 6:11 am
Merric absently smoothed a thumb over the metal of the ring. He hadn't missed the look in Roswell's eyes at the dare game, hadn't forgotten the flush on his cheeks or the way he had stared at Lysander after their kiss. Even if he had wanted to pretend otherwise, or force himself to think otherwise, there was no doubt in Merric's mind of how much more Roswell wanted.
Which just left the question of how much Lysander would allow. Or want himself.
It was all very muddled. Merric felt a low, twisting sensation in his stomach he chose not to think too carefully about. "Perhaps he does, but he doesn't seem the type to me to throw away everything he's worked so hard for on a lark, or for something he's unsure of. Even if he did want more, he knows you the best, doesn't he?"
Lysander was offered a small, rueful look, Merric's hands curling together.
"Regardless of how he feels, he cares for you and your well being probably more than a desire to sue you. Or at least, that's what I've seen from how you too interact, it's a very..."
He tried to come up with a good term, failed, and said eventually, with the faintest tremor of what seemed to be a thread of envy, or maybe it was just wistfulness, "It's a very symbiotic relationship, overall, I feel."
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Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 1:08 pm
Lysander was curious about Merric, paying rapt attention to the other man. He couldn't tell how he felt about anything lately, difficult to read behind his politeness and courtesy. For all Lysander knew Merric could think he was horrible but be simply being nice, but he chose not to let himself think that about the other man. He was too nice for that, too nice for paranoia.
"Yes he doesn't take things lightly, and I have been clear with him about the way things are and the way they will remain."
He watched Merric's hands for a moment before flitting his gaze back. "Hardly symbiotic." he said. "Parasitic. I am the parasite, I take and take and take from him. Relentlessly. But he wants to be taken, he enjoys it."
He shrugged. "Honestly that's the kind of person I like best of all, you will never get loyalty from anyone to match someone who wants to give themselves to you, to be taken as you wish and used as you wish. It's a perfect relationship both in and out of business. I like to lead, and I love people who like to be led."
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Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 7:02 pm
"If you've been clear with him from the start, then I think that he would understand," said Merric, trying to be reasonable without completely disregarding Roswell's feelings, since both of those things were very important. "I'd like to point out that I don't feel capable or confident enough to speak on Roswell's behalf on this point," he added quickly, cheeks reddening. "He is quite able to do that on his own and you know him better than anyone."
One ankle crossed over the other, Merric tucking his legs a little under the chair. Rinzler was making some sort of disgruntled sound inside of his head, but he was deliberately ignoring the Horseman in favor of the conversation; the rattling disapproval from Rinzler, however, grated at his nerves, making him feel antsy.
"If you both want what you have, then I would still call it symbiotic," Merric pointed out, glancing over at Lysander. "I mean - you like to lead, you like to be in charge; and as you've said, he likes to be the one to serve you, and he likes to be the one to attend to your needs, I would say that it's reasonably symbiotic overall."
Minus the glaring fact of Roswell's unrequited love. Merric felt a pang somewhere in his chest, something akin to sympathy for him.
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:24 pm
Lysander felt pleased that the conversation was going so well and that Merric seemed to agree entirely with how he'd been going about things. He'd been very concerned it wouldn't have been well received.
"That's true, I do like to lead and he does like to serve. I guess I'm doing him a favour really. I hadn't really thought of it that way." he beamed.
"I'm a good guy without even trying!" he said brightly before turning it on the other man. "What about you?" he said. "Do you like to serve?"
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Posted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:35 pm
Merric's hands moved slowly, thumb running along the band of his ring. It had been a gift from his brother; a sarcastic one, meant to deliberately mock him for what he liked, but he wore it anyway, for a variety of reasons that he didn't necessarily want to admit to.
"You are trying though, aren't you?" Merric asked, glance flicking over to Lysander. "I mean, you're thinking honestly about Roswell and his feelings, I would call that trying as well."
Or at least, an attempt at trying. Merric was still not entirely of things, and Lysander's cheerful question did not exactly help the situation at all. A red flush worked its way across Merric's face, faint scarlet over his cheeks that he couldn't quite suppress, damn it.
"That depends," he managed. "I've always been more of a follower, than a leader. I prefer to assist when I can, rather than take the lead on things, it was how I worked in the lab whenever I went to classes. Granted, I did have an assistant there, but everyone who worked in the lab had an assistant."
And he did not prefer the spotlight one iota.
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 3:55 pm
There was something almost predatory in the way Lysander smiled at the other man. He'd been concerned that Merric would say he was a leader sort of guy, that he wasn't interested in being led. It was all careful code for something more than just business interests as far as he was concerned, an elaborate game.
"That's facinating." he said, and it was.
"I mean I had a feeling that was how things were, but you never know these things."
And because he was completely shameless he reached out firmly to take hold of Merric's chin and angle it slightly upwards.
"Still, people say they like to be led, but do they really mean it?"
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 4:42 pm
The air in the room felt somehow a little more stifled, a little thicker. Merric's hands were curled together in his lap still, a finger pressing tight against the silver banded ring as though somehow he could imprint his thoughts onto it instead of letting them rattle around in his head.
Lysander's touch made his whole body tense instinctively; every nerve ending seemed to be fraying, Merric's eyes wide as he stared at him. He couldn't make himself pull away, even as his head was yelling something nonsensical and loud and Rinzler was angry, and the flush was hot on his cheeks.
"I - " He swallowed convulsively. " - believe they likely do mean it, yes."
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 4:54 pm
The fact that Merric didn't pull away was enough for Lysander to step things up even further, not at all concerned that things might not go his way.
"Then I think it would be good for you to let yourself be led a little bit."
A fish flitted by the glass close by and he didn't let go of the other man's chin.
He leaned forward to capture his lips in a kiss again, lingering briefly. "Call it a dare, if you need to."
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 5:16 pm
He very badly needed to pull away, to put a stop to - whatever it was that this was, of which Merric had no idea at all. He had approximately zero knowledge to understand what was happening, no experience to form any sort of reasonable conclusion and Lysander's face was too close -
His lips were very warm. Merric's mind seemed to have stopped working entirely at the press of them against his own, a startling, very real thing that had his pulse skyrocketing against his skin. He felt dizzy with it, caught off guard, the world tilting unsteadily on either side of him.
Melvin's voice flickered in and out of his thoughts like a badly tuned radio.
What do you want?
It was so much easier to consider it a dare. Merric's eyes fluttered shut, swallowing hard.
"I..."
The words didn't come out. He still hadn't pulled back.
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 5:41 pm
Lysander had spent his whole life getting what he wanted, and when he couldn't he'd just been stubborn until he did, either firing people or getting new lawyers. It was just the way of things. Roswell was fine with things as they were and had never had a problem before, so there was frankly nothing stopping him doing whatever he wanted here either.
Roswell wasn't his boss.
"You what?" he said low and then with an edge of playfulness. "Did I say you could talk?"
And moving even more forward he dropped a hand to rest on the other man's thigh, kissing him again.
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 5:58 pm
Merric's mouth opened in slight surprise, startled into a small gasp that was muffled as Lysander's mouth covered his again. There was no time to even consider the question, which had seemed rhetorical at best, anyway, because Lysander's hand was a heavy weight on his leg and his kiss was hot on Merric's lips.
For a few seconds, it was just that; the pressure, the warmth, the dawning understanding. Merric's hand rose almost of its own accord to touch - just barely - the edge of Lysander's jaw, and it wasn't the heated, bruising kiss of the dare night, but it was still more than he was used to.
Everything, really, was more than he was used to.
Melvin had asked him what he'd wanted. If he'd wanted this, and Merric had not known how to answer him then and didn't know how to answer him now, because his mind seemed to have stopped wanting to think in logical lines anymore.
He wanted it, at least a fraction of it. The ache in his chest indicated as much; a pressing, long buried loneliness that throbbed through him, a reminder that he had never had even so much as a friend in university, that he had never been allowed even a small part of this before.
Merric leaned in all the more, his body angling, shifting to face Lysander more.
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 6:08 pm
And as long as he wasn't stopped, Lysander was content to keep pressing onwards. He didn't really know what he was doing, men were different than women, but he didn't care. It wouldn't exist if no one mentioned it after the fact and that was how everything worked.
Merric was receptive and that was all he needed really, sliding the hand up further as the other joined on the opposite knee. He deepened the kiss, pressing his weight against him further, pushing his luck more and more until without warning, just when it seemed he was going to go all out, he stopped.
Just stopped, backing off again to casually sit on one of the other seats.
"It's a good way to be." he said, a little breathless, but acting as if nothing that had just happened had happened at all.
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