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 Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 12:36 pm
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Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 1:30 pm
Some things just work out in the end. The ghoul was staring at the bloodied rags they tied his arm up with. They sold cheap first aid materials at commissary so the male had a fix for the time being. He had to wait for Adam to return or cut a deal with another one of the prison caims if he wanted it to be properly dealt with (or improperly, in Adam’s case). His eyes dropped to his pocket as he felt around, pulling out a small razor. Hale didn’t normally use things of the sort since his teeth were constantly being used as a multi-tool. He had a shapeshifter that he had been using for any extras the past year or so now, however long it had been. After a certain amount of time each day in prison blended together. Sometimes he would notice the seasons, but Hale wasn’t one to keep track of days or months or years. It was too depressing knowing all the time wasted in this hellhole. Hale knew he was supposed to be grateful his brother ate the bullet for him… But christ. At times Hale felt like a spoiled brat hating the sentence he was given.
Regardless of how long they had him, Wes turned out to be ten times more useful than he originally intended. Hale still meant to test out if he could force the shapeshifter into learning keys in different locations so they could travel once every blue moon after lights out when times were desperate. Once he dealt with the psychic mage he would see about finding a way to get the shape of a cell lock so Wes could override it. What’s the worst that happens? Wes gets caught and has a few years added to his sentence? The worst case scenario was still a plus for Hale. He had nothing to lose, there was no reason not to go for it.
Hale slid the razor through the fabric on his arm cutting a slice. He wrapped it around the razor a few times before placing it back into his pocket so it wouldn’t damage his clothing. The ghoul had to be careful with his movements after picking that thing up. Now he’d be able to stop worrying until he got back to his empty cell. He sighed as he toyed with the fabric on his sleeve trying to be sure it was secure. It was tempting to ask one of the caims to heal him, but now wasn’t a time to be making deals or communicating with outsiders. Hale needed to keep things closed off and isolated until they dealt with the psychic mage. If anyone were to draw attention to them it could easily be found out what he had. Every gang had a few tricks up their sleeve they only used in emergencies.
Hale glanced at the clock as it continued to tick away. He had never been the type to strictly be on time during his past life. Since arriving to prison he had a change of heart. He learned how important it was to be on time. He learned how quickly things could become a misunderstanding or how some inmates took offense to the smallest things like tardiness. You never knew who you were dealing with so there was a method to it: If you set the date, you arrive early. If you’re the guest, you arrive on time. Not early. Not late. You stand there and wait for the exact minute before you walk through that door. So seven minutes to the allotted time Hale waited for his chance to slip away and briskly move through the prison halls. He obviously passed the closest bathroom to his assigned prison job, but not like anyone was near to notice. Everyone was huddled away doing everything they needed to keep the prison afloat.
Odin was a lot more temperamental than Hale was expecting. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t worried about the whole idea of having the brute around after watching him nearly take out some of his own. Little Blue and Peter Pan would not have stood a chance if he had missed the scene in the yard. If it was only this terrible two days out of each month, would that be manageable? One piece of Hale felt that was more than reasonable. If nobody spoke to the wolf he could simmer there in silence chewing on his bones like a good boy. Or… Maybe that’s just when Hale would drop his enemies. Let people know what power they picked up. Murders weren’t a game in here. You have to plan them out properly and do them fast, then get the ******** out of there. Plenty of times the ghoul had to stalk his prey for weeks waiting for the perfect moment when they were isolated. One bite in the scalp so they couldn’t scream. 20+ stab wounds so they bled. Drop them somewhere quiet and leave. Nobody ever shaved heads after they died to look for bite marks. Even if they did, so what? They wouldn’t put the time and effort into learning which ghoul had bitten him. Other times you were more ballsy and it was crowded enough in the prison yard to quickly off someone and duck away under a sea of prisoners. There were always plenty of witnesses but nobody was stupid enough to get on a murderer’s bad side.
Hale walked confidently along the halls, his head kept straight ahead as he moved into the bathroom four minutes early. He walked over to the sink glancing at his face in the mirror. His sharp features felt like they were growing weaker as the lines at his eyes began to make his eyes look like they were caving in slightly. Sunken. Tired? What was the right word for it? He gently ran some water up against his skin and shook his head since, obviously, he hadn't brought a towel with him and the prison didn't provide paper towels for the inmates' convince. His hands ran through his slicked back hair as he turned around and hopped up on the counter since it was one of the few places to sit. He took the time to breathe, relax from the usual manual labor job he was forced to do for so long.
The boredom led Hale to start stretching. With his arms extended as he tried to stretch his back out, Hale’s gaze shifted slightly as his head dropped to see past the limb held above his head. Julian finally opened up the door and once the door creaked shut behind him nothing but silence filled the room. The ghoul finished counting to 15 before he finally stopped the stretch, his arms dropping to the countertop as he slid from the surface. His boots left an echoing noise as he placed himself onto the tiled surface. Then it all died down back to silence. It was hard to find privacy like this, so Hale couldn’t help but enjoy it. Not to mention how it added to the tension Julian must have been feeling.
”You must feel brave coming here all alone.” Hale glanced at his fingers before he leaned against the counter. ”I always make my properly sign contracts.” The ghoul said waving the same hand he had been watching through the air as he spoke. ”It’s for your sake, as well as mine. I need to make sure people don’t think they can be using you against me. I need to make sure you don’t ******** me over. And I need to make sure I can really keep you out of danger.” Hale slowly moved towards the back of the bathroom, stopping in front of the last stall. He nodded towards Julian. ”Come here. There’s something we need to do first.” tab
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Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:15 pm
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-- ❝i'm just so tired of waking up on the ground❞
There was always a choice.
Sometimes the choice was to leave behind everything you knew and struggle to learn things you never had to do before. Sometimes the choice was to break the law, because the law was unjust and being on the right side of history meant putting yourself at risk. Sometimes it was keeping still and getting the s**t kicked out of you, clinging to the belief that not doing harm was the most important creed in the world. But through all of those things, all of those lofty decisions, Julian never had to truly compromise the things that were important to him. His moral high ground kept his feet dry even on the days he'd wound up bleeding or cold or hungry. Those things were permissible. Suffering was alright. Martyrdom was alright. But the azurette had never lost anything he wasn't willing to lose.
Until prison.
Until the list of things he would NEVER do became slowly shorter, rationalized away as his Maslow's pyramid got pared down a layer at a time. He'd tried to explain it to Odin, that paramount need to somehow come through this intact. To protect some vital, precious kernel of himself. Maybe Hale thought the werewolf was naive, but Odin had already realized it then. That it would happen anyway. That there was no coming through his sentence pristine. That, if he was very fortunate, he might just be able to choose what stains and scars followed him through to the other side.
Failing Leon. Letting the fairy be hurt, letting him be neglected, letting him be humiliated and defiled. That weighed heavy over the azurette's slim shoulders. Because that didn't start when Julian was sentenced. It had been going on for years. He told Odin that the ivorette was like a brother to him. But whose brother spent half a decade in prison without them knowing? And the inkwell couldn't make up his mind if his intervention had made things better for the fairy, or worse. It had only put Leo in more danger. Threats from the alchemists, from any other enemies their little group might garner, even from Odin's temper. Because Julian hadn't made it clear how important it was to be quiet, to stay back. To not touch unless invited. The fairy was hurt. He was a collection of bruises and bites, fragile to begin with and made even more frail with dependency and withdrawal. And he'd been sent to solitary. To that beige box. Because of Julian. Because of Julian's stupid decision. Because even if it had been Adam's hand choking the ivorette, it was still Odin's rage at the helm, and Julian was the cause.
He was the albatross around both their necks.
But there was always a choice.
He could have declined Hale's offer. Except that it wasn't one. Betray Odin, or wait to see him die. Odin, who pulled Hotts off of him not once, but twice. Odin, who kept him safe, and brought Leon across the yard to him, and sometimes traced the webbing between his fingers in the dark. Julian would have said once that he wouldn't willingly sit by and allow anyone to suffer, much less die, if he could prevent it. But it wasn't a morality issue. It was personal. These people. These two. Within walls that none of them could escape, as fractured and flawed as they all were, as twisted as their relationships with one another.. Losing either of them would do something to Julian that he didn't want to imagine.
Leon might have been able to give him some insight, some guidance, if the fairy hadn't been dragged off to the SHU. If he was sober and focused and not riddled with withdrawals and the desperate need for more hair of the dog. It was a horrible, Freudian thought. The azurette's mind recoiled from it, that fluttering sound at the back of his head reminding him how cruel it was to think that when Leo needed him. Needed understanding. Needed help.
Help. Odin. Help Odin. That was what he was trying to do. What he wanted. What he chose, over and over again, when he was able. Even if it went wrong. Even if he failed.
You don't want to belong to Odin. You just want to be with him.
Hale's words, running circuits in his head between the plinkplink of winged bodies against a flickering light bulb. Between the sound of Leon's feet being dragged across the yard as he was pulled away. Between the sting of the cut at the corner of his mouth, and the blood taste that lingered no matter how much he swallowed or spat. There'd been a drop of it on his cheek when he'd reported in for laundry duty, habitually looking at the clock in its wall cage, little furtive flicks of his eyes as he tossed fouled sheets and clothes into the machines. He hadn't even remembered it was there, with everything that'd happened. Hale's blood on his face, a red mark for everyone to see. Odin, when he'd come to, hadn't even remarked on it. The werewolf had been so quiet, the storm of his anger back inside its confines, but Julian hadn't pushed it. He still seemed upset. Over what had happened? Over Leon being dragged off as if he-- small and fragile and so obviously injured-- had somehow started all of it? The inkwell had asked from a distance if the blonde was alright, a scant few feet between them, a small buffer of space.
Because he couldn't say what he needed to. Not out in the open. Not with Odin's temper so dangerously close to the surface. The moon was too close, and Julian didn't want to be back in the dirt, hoping that his cell mate wouldn't go too far. But God, it would be worse in the cell, wouldn't it? Worse trying to explain it there, where he sometimes felt safe. How was he supposed to say it? How was he going to tell Odin? Should he tell Odin?
Not now. Later, when he's calmer. I have to tell him. But later. He's having a hard enough time. He doesn't need this. Not now. There's too much. Leo in solitary. The moon. That finger. Hale. Later. I'll tell him, but later. I've ******** things up enough already.
Except that he wasn't done. Earlier, he'd counted the seconds trying to make sure he was back to the table within Odin's time limit. Now, the inkwell did it as he moved down the hallway, ticking off the seconds until four o'clock. He'd left the laundry with a soft, respectful request of permission, three minutes to spare. In case. Because as much as he didn't want to be doing any of this, the worse thing would be making the ghoul angry. He'd seen Cedric. He'd heard the way his digit sounded when it hit the water. In another life, he'd have insisted that he'd never cooperate with someone who could do things like that to anyone else. Yet here he was, waiting outside a bathroom door, right where Hale told him to be. Because worse than a threat to himself, the ravenette had so casually uttered those words.
Am I going to have to destroy that threat over there?
Odin, who'd been stabbed in the wrist during that altercation with Hotts. Julian could still remember sucking the invading substance out, the nauseating tang of blood in his mouth, spitting it into the basin over and over. Odin, who'd been stabbed in the side, and never said a word about it, even though the azurette knew it had to be his fault. And this time. This time, when Julian stepped through the bathroom door, tense, eyes flicking around the room to determine its contents, Odin wasn't even here, and he was still getting stabbed in the back.
The ghoul was mid-stretch when the door closed behind Julian, and the mage only stood in place, waiting. Hale said before that the specifics would be decided in private, and the rest of the bathroom looked empty, but it didn't set the inkwell any more at ease. He'd been uncomfortable enough meeting with Adam before he knew the caim-- at Hale's order, certainly-- wanted him delivering meat. With that memory still in his head, braided together with the dozen other new fears and worries he'd picked up, Julian felt the silence like a noose around his neck. It didn't get any better when Hale finally spoke. How could anyone feel brave when all they were doing was succumbing to coercion? This, or Odin suffers. The mage had never felt less brave in his life. The azurette's arms curled tight around his own body, eyes lifting from the floor to the wrapping on the older man's forearm. Commissary gauze, not infirmary. It wasn't something he could tell from the material, but from the way it was tied. If Adam wasn't in the SHU, Hale probably would be healed already. It was better to focus on details like those instead of trying to dissect what the ghoul meant by "contract." Instead of cringing internally over that word Hale made sure to use: "property. "
He didn't want to go closer. Didn't want to find out what kind of contract the ghoul could possibly have created, or what it would mean to sign it. I need to make sure you can't ******** me over. That was the part that stuck in the azurette's head, leftover shrapnel. Like Hale would have some way of knowing if Julian misreported Odin's movements. Or if Julian omitted something completely. Or if the inkwell went right to the blonde and told him what was happening and why. But that was impossible. Hale was a ghoul, not a psychic. Not a metamorphose with enhanced hearing. Not an advesper who could send his familiar to go listen for him. If he was any of those things, he wouldn't be trying to use Julian as some kind of spy. But that was the point, wasn't it? There was no way Hale didn't have other watchers in place.
His feet felt numb as he forced them to move across the floor. A stall. That was even worse than just standing there in the bathroom's empty open space. Nearer was worse. He was still wearing his filth-spotted greens-- the coveralls that kept him from going back from the laundry covered in the various dirt and secretions from throwing the prison's grimy sheets. Julian could only hope that they made him unappetizing in every sense.
"You said before that you just wanted me to tell you who he was talking to.." He reminded Hale, anxiety bleeding through in his tone. And maybe that would mean nothing at all. Odin wasn't terribly social, really. People didn't usually approach him, either, except for times like the showers, when they were trying to hurt him somehow. Julian stood just a step from the mouth of the stall, uncomfortable, his posture the same slight curl he always took on during daylight, like any second he might drop.
"You said.. That I can stay with Odin.." Softer. An unspoken question wavering at the edge of all the nothing he was saying. Because there was only one other purpose Hale had listed for him during his ultimatum in the yard, and the silence of the bathroom, the relative privacy, would make it too easy if the ghoul wanted to collect a piece of flesh.
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Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 5:19 pm
Hale’s eyes pushed up against Julian as the mage stood there. Ink mage. He’d already gathered what information he could about the three. Asking around the prison wasn’t difficult for the ghoul, not when he could make any of his men scurry about and do it for him. Things were calm as Hale moved towards the end stall, patiently waiting for Julian to follow. "You said before that you just wanted me to tell you who he was talking to..." He whimpered. The mage was already begging already, showing the slightest signs of discontent.
”No.” The ghoul immediately responded, cutting off any dreams Julian had of things going back to normal. Whatever normal the three circus animals have had the past few weeks. ”I told you that we are trading your ownership from Odin to me.” The tone wasn’t dark. He spoke of it as though he was simply trading playing cards with the werewolf during a lunch period. I’ll give you one Julian for three fingers, it almost seemed like. That’s all most inmates were in the end, playing cards. The same deck Odin held earlier after Julian emptied it’s contents, useless and empty on the inside. Just waiting to be tossed in some bin where they’d never be picked up again. Julian was the same coward. Already breaking apart at the inside as he was getting sucked into everybody else’s orbit. He would never shine again, just get dragged into a gravitational pull until he crashed and burned. He would slowly flicker off to nothing in the end. The most you could do was get some use before the weaker prisoners burnt out and became old news or got released.
”You said… That I can stay with Odin…” He desperately reminded Hale, admitting that there was only one thing he cared about. Odin. The ghoul smacked his lips together, a squeak escaping as they parted so suddenly. Pity. He was giving the same facial expression and sounds an empathetic schoolgirl would have passed along. It was that moment he took Julian’s hand and gently tugged on it, luring the boy in closer as his jagged teeth parted. Hale’s face shifted forward, brushing close to Julian as his tongue lunged onto the male’s cheek, brushing gently along until the path ended near the boy’s ear. When Hale pulled back, he was gently rubbing his thumb from the edge of Julian’s lips to the far side of his cheek.
Once. Twice. Three times. Four.
Then it stopped.
He hummed very quietly as his hand stayed on Julian’s face, carefully angling the boy’s head away to get a good look at him. All cleaned. It was as though Hale was a mother grooming their child before church, not a ghoul licking traces of his own dried up filthy blood. ”You will still stay with Odin as long as you obey me unconditionally.” Hale slowly pulled back, taking hold of Julian’s hand again before leaning back and sitting on the toilet even while he was fully clothed. He brought the mage’s hand to his lips and gently placed a kiss against the mage’s ring finger. The ghoul seemed to be reeling Julian in as though he was a fish, his arm slowly getting dragged closer and closer as the ghoul’s legs steadied to position Julian between them. ”Now why don’t you bow before your king?” The words hung heavy in the air as it became apparent Julian wasn’t signing a contract. He was selling his soul.
CENSORED. tab
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 7:03 am
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-- ❝i'm just so tired of waking up on the ground❞
No. It was just one word, but it broke over Julian with all the menace of a distant train whistle.. when your ankle was caught in the track. There was nothing to fear if you weren't in the way, but once you were it was all over. The hammering thud of panic climbed between your ears and all you could do was wrench and pry and try to get free, try to yank the knotted laces of your boot out, try to wave your arms and hope there was an emergency brake. And know that none of those things would save you. Know that when it barreled over you, all that would be left was just a red-yellow smear of blood and fat and organs, pulped against the gravel and railroad ties.
Julian knew then that it didn't matter at all what Hale had said in the yard. The ghoul could have told him that they were going to make friendship bracelets and Leon was going to get out of the SHU in five minutes and they were all going to bake Odin a beautiful birthday cake. That was how ludicrous it had been to believe, even for a second, that the safety the ravenette dangled over his head would be given without equivalent exchange. That was how desperately stupid the inkwell had been, just as soon as Hale told him what the stakes were. What would happen to Odin if Julian didn't sign on the dotted line. Except there was no dotted line. There were no terms except the terms the ghoul dictated, and those would alter and realign themselves however Hale saw fit, because that threat was always applicable as long as they were all trapped in here together. The werewolf had implied once that his sentence was practically forever, and as little as Julian believed it, there was one thing he did know: Even if Odin was released tomorrow, there would still be Leo. The fairy was serving -- God, what was it, fifteen years? -- and even once his own term was up, the azurette would be serving with him. Because Hale already told him, didn't he? People with connections could find your family on the outside, threaten or hurt them. And the ghouls ran this place. Hale ran this place. He'd outlined other, less defined threats, but the one standing in front of Julian, calmly outlining his change in ownership, was one of the worst, wasn't he? Had to be.
He never should have acknowledged Adam in the mess hall. Never should have asked Odin if the blonde wanted him to go. If he'd kept his eyes down, if he'd pretended not to see, maybe then this wouldn't be happening. Maybe then-- They would've found another way to get the cards to Odin. And then what? It didn't matter, because a second later Hale had him by the hand, pulling him forward with an odd gentleness that the azurette hadn't expected at all. But then, Hotts had been that way, too. Touching him carefully, at first. It did nothing to set the mage at ease, because as stupid as Julian was, he was already starting to learn to wait for that other shoe. It didn't matter how high anybody threw it, it still had to come down. And seeing those teeth close up, getting nearer and nearer to his face, the inkwell froze. Eyes widening in a glassy kind of terror that was one hundred percent useless. Even when he thought the ghoul was going to tear away the zygomatic muscles at his cheek, the sound Julian made was just a soft, uneasy Nn-nn!, the noise going higher and louder when all that touched him was the sudden warmth of Hale's tongue, leaving a wet patch of saliva on his skin, creeping too close to his ear. His fingers curled, but the fine tremors in his fists weren't from anger. It was a blend of confusion and fear, tinged with self-revulsion. He didn't want to be touched there, in that too-sensitive place that always made him embarrassingly warm. Not by Hale. Not for any reason. But the inkwell's eyes cut away his brows drawing together a little more with every pass of the ghoul's thumb over that stain on his cheek. He'd tried to swipe it away himself earlier, but the ravenette rubbed it away, easy now that the skin was wet. And Julian tried to be still, tried not to let his breathing hitch as anxiety crawled up his throat and closed his airway down to a pinhole. He blinked slowly, eyes suddenly irritated, painful. He didn't want to cry, not with Hale still handling his face, turning him this way and that, inspecting him. So careful. Why was he being so careful, when everything he was doing was designed to tear Julian out at the roots?
You will still stay with Odin as long as you obey me unconditionally.
There it was. The truth. The reality that the azurette had built for himself. He'd put himself here. Stupid. So stupid. Trying to act on his own. Trying to help. Trying to protect Odin, protect Leon. The inkwell was going to be sick. His stomach rolled and twisted inside him as Hale drew him further into the stall, the ghoul reclining like he was perfectly at home. He tried to swallow what felt like a stone in his throat, but it wouldn't go. He wanted to run, and couldn't. The ghoul's grip on his hand was light, and there was that press of lips, tender and terribly cruel, against his next to last digit, but there was never any illusion that Julian could pull away. He was caught in a trap, but he'd stepped into it of his own volition.
Now why don't you bow before your king?
Odin didn't know he was here. There was no help coming. No deus ex machina to keep the idiot inkwell safe and untouched.
Not this time.
CENSORED
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 8:35 am
Hale could note how terrified Julian had been from the the moment he pulled away after licking the ink mage’s cheek. Julian made sure every second passing between them was unbearably painful and awkward in every sense of the word. He was doing it purposely, of course. Hale hadn’t imagined how ungrateful Julian would be with a gentle touch after hearing about how the wolf was with him. Here he was, offering to be Julian’s break from it all and the ink mage would rather pout and feel sorry for himself.
Hale watched, amused, as Julian shut his eyes tightly and slowly knelt down. His knees kissed the floor as he was positioned in front of the ghoul. The mage worked himself up more and more as Hale sat there calmly, his hand holding the mage’s hair back. "Please don't--" Julian whispered the words causing Hale’s head to immediately c**k to the side with interest. "Hale… Please don't make me do this..." Hale’s other hand slowly slid along his waistband, pulling the pants father from his skin and by the time he was finished slipping across, everything was gone.
Done. The second Julian asked.
Hale’s free hand gently fluttered forward as he held the side of Julian’s face and began to wipe his tears away. ”I’m not making you do anything.” The older man whispered back towards the mage. ”There’s no reason to cry.” He cooed, still mindful to match the ink mage’s volume. Hale wasn’t focused on it anymore. Instead, the ghoul was carefully angling Julian’s face higher letting the mage know he could focus right on Hale’s face instead of his head. It was that simple.
”Why are you crying Julian?” Hale leaned closer, slouching so their heads nearly lined up. So he was nearly on Julian’s level. ”You should know by now the only appropriate time to cry is after lights out where nobody can see it.” His volume was still at the same whisper as before while he asked the ink mage to explain what was happening.
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 9:08 am
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-- ❝i'm just so tired of waking up on the ground❞
I'm not making you do anything.
Completely incongruous with the words Hale had been speaking just a few moments ago. The touch at his cheek, wiping at the tear tracks, was light enough that the inkwell even eased a little. Or maybe that was just confusion. Because mercy was something he'd asked for, but he didn't expect to receive it. Didn't think that the ghoul would stop, just like that. But in the space of a few seconds, the ravenette had put himself away and was telling Julian there was no reason to cry. He wasn't sure how to respond to it. The reprieve unsteadied him, a sudden swell of relief spreading through his chest, even though Hale was still very close to him, their faces too near to one another.
Why are you crying, Julian?
Because he was trapped here in this place. Because he'd been teetering on the edge of some invisible precipice for months, wondering when he would plunge into shark infested waters, and the only thing holding him back from it was Odin. Because every day was almost the same, except when there were ones that were more horrible. Because he needed Leon's guidance, and the fairy wasn't there, and even when he was, he wasn't, because this place had already broken him until he was always itching for the next escape and there was no other thought in his once brilliant brain. Because the azurette barely spoke, and he'd passed more words with Hale in the last twenty-four hours than he'd shared with Odin at all, period. Because he could have died earlier, in the yard. Any of them could have died. And no one would care. The people who might have cared would never know. Because if something bad happened to Odin, it wasn't just a strategic loss. And because people thought that. Because that was how it worked in these walls. Because it took Hale saying it for Julian to even realize that the werewolf had hollowed out a specific space in the inkwell's chest, and it wasn't just comfort, or safety, or sharing the same space all the time. It was all of those things, and if Odin was gone, Julian would miss him, and mourn him, and that wasn't how things like this were supposed to work, but Julian didn't belong here. He was wired wrong to be here. He was wired wrong to be anywhere. But Odin took care of him anyway. Put up with him anyway. Protected him anyway. And all he wanted to do was give that back. Give something back, besides burying his face in a pillow and trying not to cry out too loud. And even that-- even doing that--
You should know by now the only appropriate time to cry is after lights out where nobody can see it.
He'd been oddly relaxed. Stupid. As if by putting himself away, Hale was really sparing him. But as soft as those words were in volume, they still carried weight. They were heavy. And Julian took a deep breath. Slow. Like he was trying to center himself. Put himself back together.
"I'm just..scared.."
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 9:38 am
Julian didn’t blurt out what he was thinking. Hale didn’t get a nice response from the inkwell talking about any of this. Hale was patient though. He had all the time in the world. What was the worst thing that would happen? Return to a few shots for taking too long? As long as it wasn’t a constant occurrence guards usually didn’t notice if you left for a long period of time every blue moon. The guards probably wouldn’t even notice half the time if one prisoner slipped off without a word and reappeared later. There were just too many prisoners for the half-invested guards to care about.
”I’m just… Scared…”
A small musing breath left Hale’s lips. ”Scared of what?” He asked. ”I’m not here to hurt you.” Hale promised as he tried to reassure the mage. ”I’m here to be sure you can do as you’re told. We have to both feel confident we’ll hold up our side of the deal.” His finger paused beneath Julian’s eye as that last tear he brushed away was now discarded and he was waiting for the next if Julian couldn’t pull himself together fast enough. ”You’re my responsibility now. Not Odin’s. I will be the one who keeps your head afloat.” The fingers in Julian’s hair shifted, releasing the hair clumped near his ear and instead rising to pull back the hair directly above Julian’s forehead.
”You need to trust that I know what’s best for you even when it doesn’t seem like it.” If he ever wanted to use Julian as bait. If he ever send the ink mage to interact with the werewolf when the full moon was approaching. If he ever wanted the mage to sleep with someone since it was the only course of action that would prevent violence towards him. Hale would be the one making those decisions and Julian needed to be primed and ready for whatever the ghoul asked of him. ”If you want to call it off, there’s still time. I will stop interfering and leave the three of you to fend for yourselves.” And there was a slight pause, the sentence completed even though Hale clearly wanted to add something more. ”As long as you promise I can have the body once he kills one of you.” Because that seemed fair, if Julian wanted to call it off after wasting so much of the ghoul’s valuable time. Took chunks out of him. Added such a hassle onto his shoulders.
”But you will not have access to my caim on nights you need him calm. You will not have protection if Odin goes off his rocker and decides to start with violence against other groups. You will not have a fallback if you need protection after full moons. You will not have someone removing the threat of deals and prison drama from your life.” Hale moved a bit closer to Julian as he spoke, his head was just resting above Julian’s at this point. ”You don’t want to be all alone tomorrow, do you?” He gently nudged the tip of Julian’s head with his own. ”You can come sit next to me and I will always keep you safe. You just need to carve a spot at my side and it will always be there for you.” tab
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:16 am
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-- ❝i'm just so tired of waking up on the ground❞
Scared of what? The incredulity was probably there on Julian's face, there for a second and then gone again as he ducked slightly, trying to hide the expression. He didn't get far, though. Not with the ghoul holding the forward fringe of his hair. Hale kept pushing it back as though he knew that was where the inkwell tried to hide the most. He probably did. He'd said nothing got past him, and Julian wasn't exactly inconspicuous. A fingertip brushed just under his eye and the mage swallowed again, blinking as that last tear was wiped off. It took effort, pushing the rest of them back down, but the thing was Hale was right about that part. He should know better than to cry now, where someone would know.
You need to trust that I know what's best for you even when it doesn't seem like it. In another life, he might have actually scoffed at that. At how close those words were to things his father said to him before. About how important it was not to question, just to function as a part of the machine that had already been designed. But Julian only turned his eyes away, frowning at the wall of the little cubicle. It still felt strange. Wrong on so many levels, being on the floor like this, between Hale's thighs, the tiles starting to hurt his knees through the coveralls. But the ravenette was giving him an out. Telling him that he could renege. And there was that same feeling of relief, threading through him, making him wish that was the truth.
As long as you promise I can have the body once he kills one of you.
He tensed for a beat, reflexively looking up, startled, pulling away a bit from the odd contact they'd been maintaining all this time. Or, he would, if not for the hand loose in his hair.
"Odin wouldn't kill us--" It was the loudest thing the azurette had said in ages, and it was still using his inside voice. But there was something like frustration in the words. Hale was already enfolding him again, but there was a stubborn kind of tension in the inkwell that hadn't been there before. The ghoul was talking about Odin like he was some kind of monster. As though, because he was a werewolf, he couldn't restrain himself. "You've been here.. much longer than I have.. You understand the way it works here.. Or you wouldn't have as much control as you do."
Softer again, as though the uptick in volume had taken a lot of energy, or couldn't be maintained for much longer than a few seconds. Hale had offered him so many things. Offer after offer after offer, so many options to keep Odin under control. Like Julian was afraid of him. Should be afraid of him. Like what had happened in the yard wasn't the product of stress and suffering and misunderstandings. Like Odin wouldn't have stopped if Hale hadn't bitten him.
"But.. you don't understand Odin. How hard he tries.." A sigh, and unthinking, his own hand rose like it meant to run back through his mane. That old nervous attempt at self soothing. But Hale's hand was already there, and the inkwell touched it before he really thought about it. Awkwardly, it dropped again. "I.. don't want to be alone tomorrow. I know what can happen, now.."
After what happened in the showers, he means. And what's happening right this very minute. He hadn't even been alone before. It would have been so much worse if he had.
"But I'm.. not here with you to try to hide from Odin.. I'm.. I just.. want to help him.."
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:21 am
"Odin wouldn't kill us--" Oh how ******** naive the ink mage was. Hale could try to paint a picture to make Julian understand. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't understand completely. Julian wanted to tell Hale that he understood prison but didn't understand Odin. And here Julian was trying to fight for him. He tries. Hale's eyes followed Julian's hand as it pressed against his for a fraction of a moment. "I just... Want to help him..." The ghoul would have scoffed if Julian wasn't so sincere. Believing he could help someone like Odin who was probably in for battering his boss with a tire iron.
"You've never been hungry." Hale dropped the words just as the bathroom door opened. Footsteps. But he didn't show interest in stopping. In that stall, Hale and Julian were the only people within existence. "But you can try to imagine." He didn't need to wait and see if Julian wanted to know, Hale was going to paint a picture. "People like me face our demise often. It starts here-" The ghoul leaned forward to poke at Julian's stomach. He gently pushed his finger against the other inmate's work uniform. "-and it swells. Becomes painful. Tense. Hurts. It hurts so badly." He spoke, the sad words pouring out his lips with ease. "It builds for ghouls and people like me. We can feel it coming on so we can take the appropriate steps needed to stop ourselves." Because apparently ripping each other's limbs off is a better alternative than going hungry for the pack of ghouls. The sound of a stream of piss could be heard as whoever entered began to use the bathroom for its intended purpose.
"But for people like Odin that hunger comes in waves out of nowhere." He carefully took Julian's upper arm and wrapped his hand around it. "It probably feels something like this." He squeezed tightly without warning. "Starvation." Then he gently released. "Being alright." Then he squeezed again. "Starvation." Then his hand was gone without a moment's notice. "He doesn't need help. He doesn't need anyone." Hale tilted his head as he made eye contact with Julian, the expression almost displaying as though it were so obvious. "There's no helping someone who isn't broken. You're asking Odin to flick a switch and turn off his instinct to survive." Hale's brow shot into the air. "If you want to help someone like me, or Odin," He reached for Julian's hand, holding the mage's pointer finger as he gently brought it to his lips. He kissed the first digit. "We don't need emotional support," He kissed the second. "The types of things we need," He kissed the third. "Most people wouldn't understand." He opened his mouth, dipping Julian's pinky finger past his lips. Past his razor sharp teeth that treated the small digit as though it were on a chopping block. But it happened quickly, dipping in then being pulled right back out as Hale carefully placed his lips against the small finger as though he were apologizing to it for the scare.
He sighed, giving Julian an almost judgmental look as he released the boy's hand. "I don't think you're equip to help him for much more than ten months or so..." His voice trailed off, leaving Julian to picture what it would be like if he wanted to do anything for Odin's animalistic instinct. "Not a caim... Can't offer him a peace of mind... Not a ghoul... Can't grow them back..." Hale's brow narrowed as he leaned forward again. "What other options could you possibly have?" Hale asked, waiting for it to finally click. To really click. That Julian was useless. That he was way over his head and couldn't handle this situation without Hale. He couldn't control Odin from doing something stupid, whether it be make a deal with the wrong person or lost his temper. He couldn't keep Leon safe, not from Odin and how could he trust Odin to protect them after watching how quickly he went down? He couldn't protect himself. He already admitted he didn't want to be alone tomorrow.
Hale was the only person who had been dealing with that same animalistic hunger his whole life. Let the animals deal with the animals, Julian. That would leave the humane remains left for you. tab
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:30 pm
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-- ❝i'm just so tired of waking up on the ground❞
You've never been hungry.
It wasn't the first time he'd heard those words, but the context was different. Before, the explanation had been about his caste, not his race. It hadn't been any less correct at the time. There were so many things Julian had had to learn, just to function the way regular people did on a daily basis. The way he grew up, the privilege he'd been given even as the last and least of his family, the sheltered, scheduled, stable structure he'd been reared in. Ben had always called him selfish, spoiled. For not going with the grain, for not living up to expectations. Maybe that was true. Maybe it had always been true, and that was what brought him this far only to balk.
The door opened, and Julian tensed, his head turning instinctively as though he meant to look out through the stall and see who was there. But Hale's tone made him face front again. Not out of fear. The ghoul was speaking so quietly, now that someone else had come into the formerly private space. But it wasn't a threat or a bargain he was talking about. He touched a fingertip just shy of the mage's bellybutton, and there was something the azurette hadn't expected in the words he murmured. Hale was talking about hurting. About being hurt just by existing. About trying to function and not being able to because of the perceptions and behaviors of others who didn't understand.
And Julian felt, despite the circumstances, like he was the one who'd been an a*****e. Because it was true. He didn't know any ghouls. Before Odin was pushed into his cell, he'd never met a werewolf. All he knew were the civil liberty platitudes people passed around when they talked about rights and regulations, prescription dosages of laboratory-raised flesh. The counter-arguments that certain "kinds" of people were dangerous and couldn't be allowed to run roughshod over "civilized" society. And although he glanced again, sheepish, in the direction of the shuffling feet and piss-on-porcelain of the unknown visitor, Julian's attention returned to Hale without needing to be prompted.
He wanted to believe that people were, and could be, good. He wanted to believe that they could be reached, that they could be helped, that they could be understood. And whether the ghoul realized it or not, he was finally speaking a language that the inkwell would listen to. When the older man's hand wrapped around his arm, Julian didn't shy back, didn't even really tense that much, although he winced softly when Hale's fingers viced down around the limb in his grip. But his expression was thoughtful, not fearful, like he was turning the ghoul's words over in his head, comparing them to his own quiet observations, trying to understand. Odin's temper was startling, but it wasn't random. He had patterns and impulses, things that struck him badly and things that didn't. The moon pushed him, but Julian couldn't help clinging to the belief that the blonde tried to stand against it as long as he could. Odin didn't want to give in. Didn't want to see him hurt.
So maybe Hale understood more than the azurette had given him credit for, but he didn't understand everything. Because for the moment that they were eye to eye, the ghoul's hand withdrawing from his upper arm, Julian almost said it out loud. That everyone needs someone. That he'd never met a single person who was truly and completely alright being alone. What people meant when they said they didn't need anyone was that they didn't need anyone who made them feel heavy. Who dragged them down, or made them feel pushed into a corner. They didn't need to burden of pretending to be something they weren't for the momentary and conditional approval of someone else. That wasn't the same as not needing other people. It was the sad fact of not knowing anyone who could stand to just let them be.
"I don't ask him to do a--" --nything. But the word dried up as the ghoul took his hand again, kissing lightly at the tips of his fingers. It might have been, under very different circumstances, almost--
But he remembered. The plastic, and how blood was beaded on it when he had to pull it away. The sound the bit of meat and bone made when it'd hit the water. Hale said most people wouldn't understand, and then bathed that final, smallest digit in the warmth of his mouth. And Julian held so still that he wasn't even breathing. His finger wanted to twitch inside the cage the ghoul had created with oddly soft lips and menacing teeth, but the inkwell only watched, eyes wide, waiting for Hale to decide. It was barely a second, but it felt like an age, the urge to squirm making every inch of his skin suddenly itch. And then the ravenette drew back, giving the pinky digit a stay of execution, favoring it with another of those odd, gentle kisses.
Maybe Julian never would understand. Or maybe the problem lay in an over abundance of empathy. He had seen Cedric. He knew where that care package had come from, and it hurt him on some level, knowing that on top of every other indecency, the ice mage was being pared away at. He hated the thought of that happening to anyone. Hated that, to focus on the worries of himself and his own, he'd tried to close his eyes to that reality, just because he didn't know Cedric. Yet, there was a portion, perhaps even equal, although he'd never admit it, that felt an ignorant kind of sympathy when Hale talked about being that hungry. About staving off that starvation. About hurting because of it. Hurting other people because of it. And Julian, stupid Julian, felt sorry for both sides of the coin. He felt sorry for anyone who said so casually that they didn't need emotional support. Like it was silly. Or useless.
I don't think you're equipped to help him for much more than ten months or so..
It was that that made the mage look away again. Made him break the quiet stare he'd had resting on the ghoul the entire time Hale had kissed and silently threatened his fingers. There was something flickering on his face, like he was arguing something in the confines of his own shattered skull. His line of sight rose along the side of the stall, a troubled look drawing his brows together. Because in some ways, Hale was right. It was the same thing Julian had been told since he was old enough to understand. A moth can never be an eagle. He was small, and his magic was quiet. He couldn't protect Odin after full moons, when it hurt him just to move. Anyone could make a bed. Anyone could bring a lunch tray. Anyone could lay still and be ********. The truth had always been that Odin would be better without him. Without troubling to defend him, or hold him. Julian didn't do anything special, and even when he tried to help, he often failed or only caused more problems. He cared. It was his only defense. That he really did care about Odin, about Leon. But it wasn't just that, was it? No. He cared about what they thought of him. He wanted them to care back. He had that much selfishness, that much of his spoiled upbringing still left.
"..You sent him..meat, before.." It wasn't a question. The azurette sounded tired. Somehow resigned. He'd put this much together already, but he'd always shied away from the thought. The other possibility. That if Hale hadn't been trying to sabotage Odin, he'd been trying to "help" him. And that could only mean something that made the inkwell feel sick. "..To help him.. not be hungry. The way that you get hungry.."
"..He was angry because I got rid of it. I was.. trying to help. But I was wrong.. and I made things worse for him.. For Leo.. even for your friend." What other options did he have? What was he going to do when Odin was sent to solitary, and Leon was already there? If he did this, they would all.. benefit from it. And if he didn't, what was it Odin had said to him before? It would happen anyway. Someone else, while Odin was gone. While Julian was alone. Someone who wouldn't stop when he asked them to, the way Hale had. It might be Hotts, and he wouldn't just use the inkwell. He would mutilate the azurette as revenge for what happened to his face. Julian knew how those hands could turn into razors. He didn't want to think about the places they would go, the things they could do to him inside.
"I know.. how selfish I am. You're.. " His voice hitched, and he swallowed, like he was only a millimeter away from crying again. But he seemed to remember what Hale said before, because he blinked, breathing deep, and started again without letting any tears creep up. "You're being very patient.."
Soft and sad, the look on his face, the sound in his voice. The resigned loss.
"I need to know that they'll be safe. That if I.. do this.."
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 3:37 pm
Julian couldn't have been more hesitant. He acted as though he was a wide eyed fawn that needed guidance. So Hale made sure to be gentle, the poor boy nearly spilling out buckets of tears. He was absorbing every word Hale said. I'm one with Odin. We know what it's like. You'll never understand. Hale kept telling Julian repeatedly. The colorful examples making it hit heavy in the boy's gut. Perfect. Did it matter that Hale wasn't a werewolf? No. Did it matter if he understood Odin or not? No. In the end the little things didn't matter. As long as Julian believed Hale had the means to save them all, he was doing his job well enough. It wasn't manipulation by any means. The ghoul was purposely trying to throw the pathetic boy a bone. He didn't have to take this approach. He could have sent someone to take Julian and Leon by force. Hale was being polite. He was being kind. He was slowly pulling Julian onto his side because the mage was starting to understand the benefits that came with following someone so high up on the food chain. The same benefits anyone could want in a place like this. Peace of mind. Resources for the hungry. Medicine for the sick. Ways to earn money or things out of commissary. Ways to earn drugs or small enchanted items that the alchemists shittily threw together when they had the time.
Julian's gears were turning, his mind slowly processing the meat and what it meant. It was the one thing that could have gotten rid of the feeling of dread for the wolf. He was the reason it was gone. "... And I made things worse for him... For Leo... Even for your friend." Yes. Exactly. The monumental ******** up didn't only prevent Hale from being able to see if a finger would actually work, but do you ******** know how difficult it is talking people into giving up limbs? Even with Tay's bite, being a meat farm wasn't very pleasant. Hale had gone through the hassle of waiting weeks for his fingers to regrow. "That if I... Do this..."
But then Hale laughed. The ghoul shook his head as he rubbed his jaw, his fingers eventually resting over his lips to stop the noise from escaping. "Selfish? That's fresh." He waved his arm to the side. "Why do you think you are selfish, Julian?" He wanted to know. "Selfishness doesn't exist within these walls. You do what you have to do in order to make it out alive. You do what you have to do in order to keep your men safe... Of course. Burdens are common. But selfishness? Not." Hale wasn't sure why Julian did that. He acted like he was a burden for other's all while willing to do the dirty work in order to keep the other's safe. Odin must have really been guilt tripping the poor kid each time he busted someone's face in. Maybe the werewolf knew more about prison than Hale had been giving him credit for. It could be realistic that the werewolf was making moves like that just to scare other's off, blaming Julian for the hassle he continuously aimed at creating on purpose. That would be bad. If it were true, it meant Hale was being played and Odin already knew Julian was here. He might have sent the mage to get information or so he had an excuse to try and take down one of the scariest men within the prison.
After all, the three had a reason to retaliate after the scene that happened in the yard. Hale's gaze was still locked on Julian, unmoving as he carefully absorbed each and every word the ink mage had to say. tab
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 5:00 pm
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-- ❝i'm just so tired of waking up on the ground❞
The laughter was jarring. It had no place in these walls. It wasn't an unpleasant sound, even with the condescension attached to it. But it was foreign. One of these things was not like the others. One of these things was not the same. The uneasy look of earlier was on Julian's face again, and he edged back a little, his knees shuffling against the bathroom floor. It was only a few inches of retreat, but he felt better with the added space. Not good, but fractionally less anxious.
Hale was saying the same thing Odin had once said to him. Do what you have to. Don't think too far ahead of right now. Don't think about how you'll feel later, or who you'll be down the line. Make things as easy for yourself as possible and just get through. Was that what made it okay in Hale's mind, doing things like this? The hook that had been set in the inkwells thoughts shifted, almost fell loose except for the barb at the end.
That it wasn't just him. He had Odin and Leon to think of.
"This place doesn't exempt anyone from consequences.." It was an admonition, no matter how softly it was worded. "I'm selfish.. because I want to be safe. I want Leon to be safe. I want Odin to be safe. But all of those things.. come with a cost. And I'm scared of the things you'll make me do. The parts of me that will go away. I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. "
And that was selfish, wasn't it? To hesitate because he didn't want something. Even when it could benefit other people. People he cared about, who might get hurt otherwise. Wasn't it better for him to do something about that, even if the things he had to do meant he wouldn't be himself anymore?
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 6:13 pm
"I'm selfish... Because I want to be safe." Hale made sure to listen carefully even though he was already wanting to cut off the mage. He listened to the train of thought that was... Off. Something about this boy was off. Abnormal. Hale couldn't put his finger on it. Plenty of inmates were placed inside due to mental illness, but Julian wasn't crazy. Just... Oddly submissive. There were a lot of types that came through the prison doors. Some like Cedric. Loud mouth trouble markers who fought back when you went at them. Others were submissive. Like Logan, who got beat and immediately decided to cooperate. Neither extremes were anything like Julian.
Was it Odin's doing, or had he been like this before?
"So you're saying the average person should want to be... Unsafe?" He asked with his brow lifting. "Wanting to be safe is selfish?" It was almost... Anger? Was that what Hale was feeling? Frustration? How could someone have such little self preservation? "If that's the case isn't it selfish of Odin to want to hurt people? Selfish of Leon for not trading his dust anymore? A lot of people are livid that the alchemists are no longer an option, you know." He pulled Julian a bit closer, not allowing him to escape too far backwards. "Am I selfish for wanting to stay safe?" He asked. "Am I selfish for wanting mine safe? For wanting you safe if you were to become one?"
Hale already had Julian in the palm of his hand. A little songbird just waiting to be told it was time, but Hale couldn't move past this. He couldn't bring himself to get to the business when there was such an interesting specimen sitting in front of him willing to have a conversation about this all. So Hale kept holding it off. He was in no rush. The ghoul was always willing to listen to deals and pleads people had for him. Normally before Hale got to this point an average person would have had something else to bargain with. Commissary. Foods. Information. Anything. Everybody had something of worth. Here Julian was calling himself selfish and claiming he had nothing else to give but his body. tab
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Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 7:20 pm
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-- ❝i'm just so tired of waking up on the ground❞
Wanting to be safe is selfish?
Confusion played across the inkwell's face, a thin line between his brows and the slightest parting of his lips, as if what he really wanted to do was look at the ghoul and say, What..? But it was a common problem Julian had with other people, even before prison, when he'd spoken much more. When he'd been willing to speak at length about his thoughts and ideas, the things he believed, the way he felt about the world. The way he communicated made it hard for other people to grasp what he had to say. Or they listened to one part and ignored all the rest, reducing an explanation to a minor sound byte that changed its entire meaning. Behind his eyelids there was the rustle of fallen wings. Plinkplinkplink in the dark. Flicker of light. Dark again. Light. Never steady, never rhythmic.
"I don't believe that Odin wants to hurt people." He repeated the same assertion from earlier, despite Hale's explanation from moments ago. And there was an odd patience to it. "And Leo.. would have died if he stayed with the alchemists.."
He might die because Julian pulled him across the yard. Odin might die because of that, too. They all could.
"Wanting to be safe isn't the selfish part.." Unease, but it was hard to tell whether that was coming from the subject matter or the way Hale so casually reached out to corral him back in. "Everyone else here.. is willing to do the things that they have to.. to secure that safety. Odin..has fought with people. Leo.."
Julian sighed, the name trailing off. He wasn't going to enumerate the things the fairy had probably done. The truth was that Hale might have a better idea of the full list, just from inhabiting the prison for a longer period of time. But his mind went back to those bites on the ivorette's throat and shoulders. Elongated canid jaw. The unmistakable implication.
"You said before.. that I'm already ruined. That I'm never going to be the person I was before.. I'm selfish because.. even when other people are doing the things they have to.. Even when other people get hurt because of me.. I'm scared to do the things that could help them.. because I want to try to still be.. who I was before.."
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