|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 1:07 pm
heres my story I know it need work but please tell me what I could do to make it better.
character backgrounds
Rieo Okuda a young boy age 14. The boy was raised by his mother and didn't know a single thing about his father. When he asks his mom she wouldn't anwser him so he was always upset with his father for not staying with him.
Sadako hiroki age 14(havn't got a good first name yet)-She was raised with her older sister as her mother and father were killed in an attack in another town. She was always cheerful on the outside but hurting inside.
Rieo weapon of choice is a large double sided axe
Sadakos weapons of choice are throwing knives.
They set out on a journey to be turned back into humans because 4 years ago, when they were ten, 2 dragon demon humans were sent by their master to find humans and take parts of their souls to bring back, so he/she could live longer. But the dragon messed up when taking over their body and left a part of there DNA inside the souls of the children. So know they're half dragons/humans.
When one is in trouble or screams or somthing, the world freezes and the other one transforms. Their eyes turn red and they change into a dragon. They are unable to control themself and killes anything or anyone in their path.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 1:17 pm
character backgrounds
Rieo Okuda a young boy age 14. The boy was raised by his mother and didn't know a single thing about his father. When he asks his mom she wouldn't anwser him so he was always upset with his father for not staying with him.
Sadako hiroki age 14(havn't got a good first name yet)-She was raised with her older sister as her mother and father were killed in an attack in another town. She was always cheerful on the outside but hurting inside.
Rieo weapon of choice is a large double sided axe
Sadakos weapons of choice are throwing knives.
They set out on a journey to be turned back into humans because 4 years ago, when they were ten, 2 dragon demon humans were sent by their master to find humans and take parts of their souls to bring back, so he/she could live longer. But the dragon messed up when taking over their body and left a part of there DNA inside the souls of the children. So know they're half dragons/humans.
When one is in trouble or screams or somthing, the world freezes and the other one transforms. Their eyes turn red and they change into a dragon. They are unable to control themself and killes anything or anyone in their path.
PLEASE edit your post so it looks like this. They were about a million typos in it, so I corrected it for you. Not bad, but I think, if it were a manga, they would be turning into dragons way too often. Shouldn't they find someone who can help them control their bad sides.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 1:23 pm
sorry about the typos I was typing to fast.oh I forgot to add in the beiging there running from the people because the dragons burned down there town and the kids were right in the middle and they have a simble on there forhead which is the mark of the demon so the towns people are trying to kill then and a man saves then and he becomes there teacher and helps them.they were shuned from there village.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 7:33 pm
it looks ok 3nodding
just so you know i will be moving this to the odds and ends sub-forum soon
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 1:42 pm
Reeks of anime. 3nodding Hmmm... As a writer I just have to say this. Build your characters a bit better. They're one sided and there are a lot of holes in them (How did they meet? Whats the deal with the symbols? Why does time stop? Why does the dragon seem so sinister if all he wanted to do was live? What does DNA have to do with the soul?(I study molecular biology and believe me, DNA has NOTHING to do with the soul. Ask later if you want to know more) Is it in modern day? Medieval? Future? If one is in pain, does that mean physical, mental, spiritual pain?). Unless your planning to write an extremely short story, I also suggest building a plot and beefing up the setting so people get a better sense of what your trying to say. Also typos are a no-no, try to take your time and put your heart into. Make love to your writing not on it (if your makng love on your writing, you could get a paper cut).
Sorry if it seems mean but this is just my perspective. If you want, I'll help you out okay?
~ADK
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 10:45 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 8:11 pm
*laughes at ADK's paper comment* I side with him on this, your characters have potential, but their fairly under developed. Put some good long thought into it and I'm sure you'll make a masterpeice of it. Also, try to think of an underlying theme or message. Even in anime and manga, I believe that a story needs a moral or there just isn't a point in telling it. Try to pick something you believe with all your soul and portray it through the story. It will add a world of depth to the story and characters as well as get some ideas flowing for the subplots. If this is unclear, please ask me. I'm not a very clear writing, unfortunately. sweatdrop
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
