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 Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 6:20 pm
[As continued from the drabble thread] Quote: He stared back at her and looked back out into the ocean, but it was clear he was confused. Confusion only lead to one solution. More questions. "So you need to be with someone before you ask them if they want to rough you up? Work up to it? See if they are into it?" There was something a little cathartic about the fine-toothed comb with which Melvin used while trying to understand something. He was a digger, someone that kept going deeper and deeper until either he found what he was looking for, or hit a wall that was impassable. No one else had ever really asked her any of this in such detail. She didn't have to answer him, but actually articulating it all in full was something of a relief. "It's not really black and white like that. I mean, I've only been with a few people, and only been serious with Noah and Andy. I wasn't really planning on getting into a relationship with either one of them, and certainly not the later." She had been trying very hard not to develop actual feelings for the younger Miller brother, but that hadn't really worked out. "I didn't even know I liked rougher stuff until after Noah and I had been together for a while, and the idea of asking him for it," she frowned, shoulders rolling in a shrug. Her eyes still on the ocean, and not on him. "He doesn't exactly seem the type, does he?"
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Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 6:41 pm
He stared out with her, listening. After his conversation with Al, he wasn't sure what to think of Peyton. From what he could tell, it sounded like she had been wrapped up in a relationship before it was taken from her, and had been angry about it probably. Angry enough for her to not like Al, and that twisted his gut to think of similar thoughts and feelings he had had all too close to home.
The fact she wanted something a little darker. A little rougher. Well, that kind of also touched base on something he wasn't letting on just yet.
"Noah and Al are just working through the alphabet of bedroom romance. You'd break Noah's brain if you had jumped into a thesaurus of kinks." And that's all he could describe it as at the moment regardless of the connotations of the word.
"But I couldn't see Noah ever hurting anyone. He's very careful even when he talks. Is that why you are kind of over him now?"
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Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:12 pm
"I really did love him," she'd preface with, glancing sidelong at him for a brief moment before looking away again. Whatever else Melvin got out this particular explanation, she wanted that to be clear. "He was my first, and he is incredibly sweet, and it seemed like to him I could do no wrong." She shifted, her arms loosening so she could stretch her legs out, hands going to her lap where she picked idly at the cuticle of one finger. "But I was flawed. I liked things I couldn't ask him for. I wasn't even admitting to myself that I liked them at that point, but I was managing to satisfy that side in other ways. I fought with people, outside of the wards, anywhere really. And even though all we were doing were fighting, I didn't feel like I could be honest about it." It wasn't cheating, not really, but it wasn't right, either. Her head tilted, and for a moment she paused, lips rolling together as she considered how much to say. "I had also gotten the Red-Eye. It's still there. I don't think it'll ever really go away completely. "He deserved better than me. Someone that liked things sweet and gentle, but more importantly, someone that wouldn't accidentally hurt him. Or worse."
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Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:37 pm
"I don't doubt you did. You seem to be someone who puts their everything in things. Even if that means throwing your weight into a punch or screaming on Twitter." He said, looking out rather grimly but not angry.
"That's not being flawed, Peyton. That's just wanting something. You could have asked though. Ain't fair to keep something, to deny yourself your own wants and happiness, just to keep something and someone. Twisting yourself up into whatever shape looks the most pleasing and that they will want to keep around." In the end the twisting and morphing again and again left you as dried out and misshapen as a pile of play-dough mashed with all the ugly bits till you were cracked, brown, and useless to make anything of yourself.
"You don't think you deserve things now? Something nice even if you want it rough?" He said, turning to look at her.
"You didn't ask for the Red-Eye, did you? You wanted these things before the exposure....or after?"
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Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:49 pm
She wasn't entirely sure what to say to that, so for a long moment she said nothing at all, her gaze dropping to her hands. This was probably the most honest and open she'd been with anyone in a very long time. The last person...
She swollowed, drawing in a breath and letting it out carefully. If he happened to glance her way he'd see a little extra shine to her eyes, a tightness to her jaw.
"It doesn't really matter what I want, not really. It's better to not get that attached to a person. Hurts less when they leave." She wasn't talking just in a romaic sense anymore. There was something thick in her voice that didn't fit a mere break up. "Everyone leaves eventually." It was spoken as fact.
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Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 8:25 pm
"And how does being absolutely alone feel? Amazing?" He said, looking over at her with a smile.
"People are s**t. People leave. People die. That's all true. But that doesn't mean some people are really nice. Some people make you envy how brave they can be. Some people are gentle and kind. Some people can be those things and also be mean too. That's why people are that. Just people. Not all good. Not all bad. You aren't all garbage either, and saying you don't deserve good things is messed up. What makes you deserve to go after what you want, ask what you want, and hope for things just as much at the next person?"
"If you think everyone leaves, you aren't helping it. You think that and every person who wants to stay feels like you are just waiting on them to go which is really disheartening. So, let me ask this."
And he turned and set his hands in his lap. "Do you want to kill me?"
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Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 6:39 am
She blinked at him, at what he was saying, and realized that she hadn't made herself clear. That what she'd said could do easily be taken, well, the way he'd taken it.
"That's not-" she'd interject weakly, before he shocked her with that last question. "What? Why would I want to kill you?"
Exhaling sharply, Peyton shook her head, hands combing up to force her hair back from her face. "Everyone leaving, and me not thinking I'm good for people, they aren't mutually exclusive." She frowned thoughtfully, trying to figure out how best to word what she was feeling. "I always worry I'm not good enough, but I think maybe we all do. As far as people leaving." He'd actually startled her out of whatever deeper emotion she'd been sinking into. "Life happens, and people die or drift apart. But when almost everyone you open up to, dare to trust or love, just suddenly ghosts you, or dies, or changes..." It was her biggest insecurity, and s**t kept happening to bring it back. "It's not an every so often thing for me. Ive lost nearly everyone in one way or another."
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Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 6:56 am
"Oh." He said, frowning as he listened.
"I thought you were avoiding people because you didn't want to hurt them and felt itbwas guarenteed just by being near them. Was asking you to kill me to prove you wouldn't. You don't come off that way at least." He explained. It wasn't the most eloquent or sane conversation manuever but it had made sense to him.
Other people leaving was not something any of them could influence. Somber and thoughtful, he thought a moment before pushing up his googles up atop his head and looking back at her.
"Did they give a reason why? Not saying there has to be one but it's always good to check." While he didn't want to blame anything on Peyton's part, she did have a personality that often made him want to grab the nearest heavy object and throw it at her head but seeing how she looked made hin keep that to himself. No need for salt on wounds.
He scratched his head wondering if he could steal a page from Dawson's better-phrasing book but realized miserably he was nonwhere close to Dawson's level of calm and soothing understandings. If only there was an artifact for that.
"Sorry. I'm not so good at this. It's rough loosing people. When you want them to stay the same cause it means they stay instead of finding someone better for the new them. People change and you don't do anything wrong in not changing in their direction. This island does a lot in a short amount a time to do that. "
Maybe he'd get it more with examples. "Who left?"
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Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:58 pm
"I don't want to hurt the people I care about, but it can be dangerous to be around me on missions. I'm susceptible to Red-Eye, you don't have control with that." This conversation was a lot easier when it was just about sexual preferences. Now it was heading down painful paths. "No, they didn't. They just left, one way or another." She drew her legs up again, arms curling back around them, and she'd lay her cheek on her knees. Not looking at him, but apparently listening, because when he asked her who had left, she'd answer. "My mother died when I was little, and my father was never the same after that. We moved, a lot. So until I came here, the only person I really had was Astrid, and that was fine." Sometimes she missed that life, that closeness she'd had with her sister. "But here?" She snorted, bitter. "Solomon flirted, seemed to care, and then stopped talking to me. I don't know why. Gnat went to another base. I don't know what happened to Heidi and Tuck, they're just gone. Taym..." She paused, tripping over his name briefly. "Taym died. America didn't handle that well, she stopped talking to me for a long time. We'd all been too close, memories..." At least that was how it seemed. "Then Creation took her away completely, and Roland, and Cami. Mik won't talk to me anymore, Again, I don't know why."
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Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 9:22 am
"Well, if you feel that way maybe see if you can have someone like a moon or lifer around to watch over you. A sort of safety net, but to be honest, anyone at any time can come under some influence that makes them want to hurt someone else. It's why we all need to watch out for each other. No one would hold you accountable if some outside force made you hurt someone. I mean, unless you didn't report it to your leads so they knew." Hiding that kind of thing did mean you could get in trouble. Then again, if she did hide it, she might do so in order to protect herself too from being podded.
He listened to the list of names and felt his own chest tighten as Peyton mentioned the death of Taym. It struck too close to home, and he watched her as even now she must have still been struggling with that hard finality.
"I'm sorry for your loss." He reached out and gave a rather stiff pat on her shoulder. The gloves he had been wearing were gone now, having gotten too bad off from the salt and fishing to wear as the state they were in defeated the purpose of wearing them. Still, the act of touching anyone bare-handed made him tense.
Removing his hand, he asked. "Did you ask them why? Have you tried to reconnect?"
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Posted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 6:53 pm
"I had a Moon," she admitted a little distractedly, shifting until she could loop her arms around her legs again, and rest her chin on her knees. She was watching the ocean, the waves rolling up the shore, closer and closer as the tide slowly shifted. "America and I were a team." The tattoo on her back commemorated it. America had had a similar one on her chest. It'd been symbolic. Now it was little more than a reminder, and she was glad it was on her back where she didn't have to see it on a daily basis. "I've tried talking to them, well, the ones that are still around. Mik won't talk to me though, and obviously America doesn't remember." She shrugged, half heartedly. Hit by a sudden wave of exhaustion. "Does it really matter why? They're gone." She'd registered the pat on her shoulder, but not knowing Melvin that well, she didn't know how much it actually meant. Still, that he was willing to offer some manner of comfort was a step up from their last real encounter.
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Posted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 7:11 pm
"If it was a misunderstanding then talking it out and maybe reconnecting would be a good step in the right direction. But....if they are unwilling, then it's a lot harder. It's harder once time has settled in. I've been working with that right now."
He sat on the shore, looking out as he watched the distant horizon and the light catching on the rippling waves.
"You have friends now? People you feel close to?" He didn't know Peyton well enough, but he had always assumed she had company and was well liked by everyone.
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Posted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 11:36 am
She shrugged, not bothering to lift her head from her knees. "I have Astrid and Otto, but I don't see them as much as I'd like to." Astrid because she was busy a lot, and it felt like they were drifting apart. Otto because they weren't close to begin with, and had not quite reached the point of becoming comfortable with each other. "I've got Andy." He cared, and Peyton found it a little terrifying, if she were being honest. "And my trainees, I suppose." But that was a different sort of relationship. "And Roland, even if he can't remember how close we were before, he knows I care about him."
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Posted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 2:23 pm
He watched her. "Are you not close to them? Is there something wrong with them? Or..........you afraid they are just going to leave too?" He said, looking over at her and thinking that it must be nice to have that many people with you.
Inwardly, he wasn't sure he was the best person to speak about loyalty and trust. He had betrayed friends. He had friends betray him. He had a lover who turned him through the meat-grinder over and over. His feelings on trust and loyalties were in just as many shreds as he was, but Peyton didn't need that.
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Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 5:23 pm
She frowned at the question, but it was thoughtful, as if she were really thinking about it before answering. "I just...don't know them that well yet. They have their own lives, and I have mine."
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