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 Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:02 pm
A few hours with Evan had been what Zack needed. He had been with Evan when he’d had bad days before, and once upon a time—rarely—he’d even been a good boyfriend and stayed with him for that. Today had been like that, only Evan didn’t know that Zack wasn’t entirely there. He had spent a large amount of time sitting with his arm hooked around Evan’s shoulders, playing with his hair, staring blankly at the wall in front of him.
They’d had the television on but they weren’t really watching anything; Zack had put on Titanic for Evan to get his mind off of the news. Evan was happy enough to just rest against Zack and pretend like he was watching the movie.
But Zack had been distracted. He’d seen this movie too many times to give a s**t, but it was Evan’s favorite. He’d left it on the table next to the DVD player, just so it was ready for when Evan came back.
He’d spent a few hours talking with Evan, but Evan only seemed to have fits of chattiness. That worked for Zack, who was happy not to have a little fluffball—a shadow of his friend.
But this wasn’t an entirely relaxing trip for Zack.
The only updates he’d gotten from Cambria were that there were no updates.
Zack wasn’t used to anxiety—not like this. He was used to being in control of everything, and yet, somehow despite having Evan back he felt like he was slipping further and further out of control.
He didn’t feel like himself. He hadn’t, for a long time. Maybe it was the stress of a year of failure that built up to it, but the thoughts he’d had—not twenty four hours ago. Those didn’t feel like his. Or, more important, he didn’t want them to be his. It didn’t feel right.
Zack had kept lies—a hundred lies, maybe a thousand lies, but every time he tried to lie to himself, he just saw Cambria’s face.
He couldn’t lie to her.
Not after all of this.
He had parted with Evan reluctantly; Evan had plead for him to stay but Zack had only been able to promise that he’d be back. It was an emergency, he’d said, and Evan didn’t believe him but he accepted it. He promised him he’d text him, and have Cambria call him, just so they could all make sure they were okay.
He didn’t know how tonight was going to end, but he knew where it was going to begin.
Zack called Cambria as soon as he’d left the house; his car was there so he hauled himself into that even as he invited her to dinner. His parents were with Malcolm and he argued the fresh air and a real meal would be good for her.
Hugely aware that it might be his last meal with her, Zack splurged. He’d taken her to the fanciest restaurant he’d been able to get a last minute reservation for.
It had been beautiful, romantic. If he was going to propose, he might have done it there.
But he couldn’t even think about something like that—not knowing the conversation he was going to have with her afterwards.
They’d gotten dessert, so he’d argued that they should take a little walk to work off the extra calories before heading back to the hospital. It was a ruse, of course; he just wanted to take her down the empty path so he could talk to her alone. His home wasn’t private enough for this conversation, and he couldn’t think of anywhere else to do it.
His hand was in hers as they walked, in silence for a while, just watching the stars and the pretty flowers that seemed to be trying to bloom even with the looming chill.
It was only when they hadn’t seen someone for over ten minutes that he squeezed her hand and stopped walking. Quietly, he turned to look at her. “…Cambria,” he said, slowly. “…I need to talk to you. About something important. And you’re not going to like it, and you’re not going to understand it, but I need you to know.”
His eyes searched hers, desperate for understanding, for trust—trust, that he didn’t deserve.
He couldn’t wait for her to respond before a dry, almost choked laugh fell from his lips. It was desperate, and lost. “This…this whole thing,” he began, “It’s my fault. All of it. Everything—Mal, Evan. Cambria, it’s all my fault.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:08 pm
Cambria did need to leave the hospital. She hadn’t been able to sleep well since Evan got back, if she were honest with herself. Not having Zack there and then the issues with Adria--Malcolm...it had left her absolutely exhausted.
The dinner that Zack took her on...didn’t really fit the mood, and honestly, she was wondering if he was going to end up proposing to her, and if that was why her heart was thumping so hard against her chest the entire time. It just...felt...it felt so...so off. And there was something in...in Zack’s expression...or his voice…
There was just something wrong, and she could feel it, rather than see it. If she were completely honest with herself...she was scared of what might happen.
Maybe he was going to break up with her? Go back to Evan...though that might not have been so bad...Evan deserved to be happy, after all.
When dinner ended without a ring or a break-up, Cambria started to feel at least a little better, though she was on guard again when he suggested taking a walk...and when he led her to the middle of nowhere...and they were alone…
She nodded. He wanted to talk to her. Okay. She could handle that...right? She could handle that...she would have to handle that.
Expecting him to say he wanted to break up, she was utterly confused when he suddenly was taking the blame for all of these things. “No...no, Zack...what are you talking about? None of this is your fault honey, don’t even think that…” Reaching up, Cambria put a hand on his cheek and looked into his face. The trust was there. There was more trust and love than any one person deserved.
“This isn’t your fault...not at all, Zack...Don’t say that.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:08 pm
Zack shook his head and drew in a shaky breath; he hadn’t expected the words to carry so much weight. “No,” he insisted, swallowing the strange lump of guilt and anxiety that had formed. He wasn’t used to confessing things; he hated getting caught.
And yet, here he was, revealing himself to her.
“No, it is my fault,” he said, this time with more conviction. “I’m the reason Evan was gone, Cambria. I’m why we couldn’t find him. And ********,” his voice dropped and he had to tear his gaze away for a second.
He wasn’t crying; he wasn’t sure what the warmth in his eyes were. He wasn’t that torn up about hurting him. He wasn’t weak. He wasn’t weak.
“That’s my fault, too,” he continued; he sounded angry, and forceful—and he was. Angry at himself, and mad that he had to work so hard to force the words out. “I ******** up, Cambria. It was me. I mean. It wasn’t ‘me’, but it was me.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:10 pm
“Zack…” She swallowed, her mouth feeling dry. What was he talking about. It couldn’t...It wasn’t what her mind was jumping to. It couldn’t be. There was no, possible way that it could be.
“Honey...honestly...I…”
Cambria wiped at his face, feeling her own eyes growing moist with the force of his emotions. “Zack...I don’t know how it can be your fault...You...you didn’t take Evan...it...it wasn’t you. It couldn’t have been you. You…”
She drew in a deep breath. “It couldn’t have been you, Zack. I know that...you’re just...tired...and not feeling well and…”
With a swallow, and one last almost plea, Cambria shook her head again. “It couldn’t have been you, Zack…”
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:10 pm
“Cambria,” he said firmly. “Just listen to me.”
He knew he wasn’t making any sense; of course she wouldn’t understand what he was saying. There was a part of him that wanted to blurt that he’d been drinking, that he’d taken some sleeping pills, that he was just tired and out of his damned mind. Even as he considered his options, his mouth was forming the words to build another lie—but he growled and took a half-step backwards. A voice whispered in his head, nagging him. Telling him to shut up, to run.
Just go back to fighting, that was easiest. Who cared whose blood it was? A Senshi was a Senshi, and that was all that mattered. Whoever it was beneath the uniform didn’t matter. They deserved it.
They deserved it.
The face of the Senshi from last night, blooded and begging, staring up at him, flashed in his vision. For a split second he saw Malcolm’s face.
The image flickered again—Malcolm, and then Evan. And then Cambria.
It could be any one of them, anyone, and he wouldn’t have known.
He had to tell her.
“I’m not just Zack,” he snapped—not at her, never at her. He loved her. She was the constant in his life, the reassurance. The hope and the love, that bled into the cracks of his chaos.
His chaos, the day to day things, his own flaws. Not even Metallia’s Chaos; she hadn’t seen that side of him yet.
Yet.
“There’s another me, I—I can’t explain it Cambria,” he said; he took another half-step back and balled his hands into fists at his sides.
He couldn’t explain, but he could show her.
He focused on Sanidine; his clothes melted away and he stood before her, an Agent of Metallia, cloaked in Chaos. Powered up, even now, he felt sick to his stomach; he was afraid to look down in case there was still fresh blood—Malcolm’s blood—on him.
“I did this, Cambria,” he said; it was a confession, guilt ridden and desperate. “I can’t control it, I don’t think. I’m losing control, Cambria. All of this is my fault.”
He summoned his swords, one in each hand and looked down at them, fearing the worst. They were clean, as if they’d never been used in battle. But he remembered last night, slicing into wood and metal and flesh.
“I couldn’t stop myself. But I didn’t know it was Malcolm. I didn’t know.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:11 pm
Cambria felt bile rise in her throat when he stepped away from her...when he said that he wasn’t just Zack.
No. No, he couldn’t be. That was utterly impossible...she would have known. They couldn’t have been dating for this long and her not have known...but…
But suddenly Zack was gone and in his place was Sanidine. Well. She knew that was coming. She knew from possibly the moment he had confessed that this was all his fault...but she hadn’t wanted to know...She hadn’t wanted to think about it.
Slowly, she took a step towards him, resting her hand on his cheek, then leaning up to kiss his forehead as tenderly as she possibly could. “Sanidine. I don’t blame you. If you’re losing control...that’s not your fault...I can’t blame you for any of this.”
She drew in a breath. “You know I love you. No matter who you are, Zack.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:12 pm
Confusion replaced every other emotion on his face. He didn’t have the focus to even keep his weapons summoned in his hands and they disappeared just as he reached a hand up to rest atop her cheek. Slowly, his brows narrowed. He was becoming painfully used to his thoughts feeling like a strange mixture of oil and water and fire. Nothing ever seemed to click and yet every fresh thought seemed to burn through his mind.
He opened his mouth to say something but all words had halted. He struggled until he found the right words.
“How did you…I didn’t say that name, Cambria,” he said warily. “I didn’t tell you that. How did you—?”
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:13 pm
Well...that was one way to out herself.
Drawing in a breath, Cambria drew away from the General, and withdrew the henshin pen that she kept on her person at all times. “Well. I mean. We’re not strangers, Sanidine…”
As she powered up, she felt an edge of fear marring the normally peaceful transformation, and after a moment, Cambria was gone and there stood Lysithea. She was standing as tall as ever, watching Sanidine with a wary expression. “Hey. Never in a million years would have suspected that you were Zack. Never in a million years.”
Lysithea wanted to cross the distance between them again, wanted to place her hand on his cheek and just...get that expression off of his face.
At the same time...she was wondering if he was going to attack her like he did Adria...Malcolm…
No. There was no way in hell Zack would ever or could ever hurt her.
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:13 pm
Sanidine stared at her for a long moment, disbelief on his expression. He shook his head slowly, as if he couldn’t imagine this was happening.
It was another piece of a puzzle he hadn’t realized he’d been solving.
Of course. Of course. He should have ******** known, with the way she seemed to care so much for Evan. The way she had worked so hard to get him back. He should have known, should have suspected something; instead, he’d just been so damned focused on fixing Evan, he must have missed it.
He reached up to stroke her face; he had to make sure she was real.
“You’ve never been so beautiful,” he whispered; he wasn’t sentimental by any means but seeing her there, she just seemed to glow. He didn’t have to explain anything. Cambria knew. Lysithea knew.
And she wasn’t mad at him.
Which was good, because he was mad enough at himself for the both of them.
He moved quickly to cross the space between them; he pressed his lips to hers and kissed her with a passion, a desperate need, that said more than his words could.
When he broke away, his voice was still low; he wouldn’t admit it, but he was afraid that someone would hear him—that Metallia would hear him. “You have to help me. I can’t do this. I don’t want this.”
It wasn’t the Negaverse, specifically; he hadn’t ever really cared about their goals. He cared about himself—about doing just enough to meet their standards. It had been fun for a while, in the beginning—but after Evan, he hadn’t given a s**t. As far as he was concerned, it was Cavansite’s fault. He wouldn’t have brought Evan into the Negaverse, wouldn’t have tried if she hadn’t pushed him into a corner when she tried to steal his starseed.
Maybe Evan had been the only thing keeping him sane; he had spiraled in one direction while searching for the cure—and one Evan was saved, once he was out, Sanidine had gone in a totally different direction.
He was convinced he would do all that was necessary if the time came to it—but was it necessary? What was he even getting out of this arrangement? Power? Prestige? Opportunity?
…Nightmares? Pain? Mistakes?
He was losing control.
He wasn’t giving himself, it was being taken from him.
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:14 pm
When he kissed her...called her beautiful...Lysithea melted. It was by far the very best kiss...she had ever gotten in her entire life. A kiss of desperation and need and passion…
It was Zack. It was all Zack...and now she knew...and now they could fix this. Together.
“You don’t have to ask, Zack. You never have to ask anything of me. I’ll find a way to help you just like I found a way to help Evan...I...Purification isn’t a new concept….I can get you out...I will get you out of their clutches, I swear it.” She leaned close, kissing him again, tangling her fingers in his hair and kissing him as deeply as was possible.
“I love you, Zack, Sanidine...whoever you’ll become. I love you. I will always love you…”
She felt good. Better than she had in months...This was the big...darkness that had been hanging over them for so long...it was over now...it was all over and...and now they could move on...they could heal.
“Will you marry me when all this is over do you think? Honestly, I thought that’s what tonight was going to culminate in and I was kind of concerned. That or a breakup...You scared me, Zack.” Yeah, because those two things were so scary. If she hadn’t been so relieved...she would have thought that this was the worst case scenario...not the other things...
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:14 pm
A dry laugh split from him; it wasn’t scathing, only surprised. “You thought I’d propose to you on the night I found out my brother was in the hospital? s**t, Cam, I’m not that classless. I—no, I just. I thought, honestly, this would be the last time I’d ever talk to you. I didn’t want to ruin all of it. I figured I’d tell you, you’d call me crazy, I don’t know. I didn’t realize that you were a Senshi.”
For the better, he realized suddenly; if he’d lost control once, who knew what he would do again?
He swallowed the new lump in his throat. “I don’t have long,” he said, eyes glued to a shadow in the darkness. They were alone, but he felt like there were a thousand eyes on them, watching. “I screwed up, with Evan. With Mal. He’s a Senshi?” he asked, but it was rhetorical; he groaned and closed his eyes before reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose.
“In your group, the night with Evan. Of course. He called you because you power up together.”
A wave of jealousy crashed into him; he pinched his nose harder to try and stay focused. He didn’t need that sick emotions twisting at him, crushing his logic and driving him to do something stupid.
He was barely thinking clearly as it was. He didn’t need to think this much—he shouldn’t be thinking this much.
Just go with it. He and Cambria had a lot of things to talk about. And they’d get to all of it.
“….I just figured, you’d leave me. But if you’re willing to stick with me—if you can get me out of this, yeah. Hell, I’ll do anything you want. Just—don’t tell them. I can’t let them know.”
The reality of everything was held up by fragile beams. Every new revelation was weakening the structure. He felt like everything had already collapsed on him once; he wasn’t sure if he could handle it happening again—especially not so soon.
He didn’t want to deal with losing a part of himself, or losing his family. They hadn’t been particularly close, but losing Cambria? Losing Evan?
…If he didn’t do this, he was going to lose them anyway.
You had to pick your battles, and if he was going to lose them, he was going to do it on his terms, where he at least stood a chance of picking up the pieces.
“…Cam, what the hell am I supposed to tell Evan? I can’t just disappear. I can’t do that to him. I already screwed him up bad enough.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:14 pm
“I’ll take care of it, Zack.” The words were out of her lips before she even had a chance to think about them. When did she get such a...a hero complex? When did she suddenly start to be able to take on the world all by herself…? She liked it, Kind of. It was a little stressful...but hey. The more she handled, the easier it would be.
“I’ll tell him, I’ll reintroduce him to you, it’s not a problem. He knows who I am, he knows what I am...I’ll make sure to keep it vague, not let him know who you were...not that I think he really remembers much about it...or if he does, he’s not letting on, and he’s repressing so much, the bugger but…”
She swallowed and shrugged. “I mean, you are that classless...Part of me thought you were just jealous of Mal for taking my attention away so you were gonna propose and get it back. You can’t tell me that doesn’t sound like you...because it totally does.”
Lysithea squeezed him gently. “I’m with you through everything, Zack. You are my everything…”
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:15 pm
Though he didn’t want to admit it, she might have had a point. He grunted instead of responding and shrugged. When he relaxed again, he powered down. Something about wearing that outfit just seemed wrong right now. Like playing dress up in someone else’s closet, just hoping they weren’t going to walk in on you doing something embarrassing.
He felt safer when he wasn’t powered up; there was less of a threat of him losing his mind, hurting her.
Zack returned Lysithea’s hug but seemed a little distracted. It was a lot to think about, and he knew he didn’t have to do it alone—but there were things he couldn’t involve her in, and even knowing that she’d be there when he needed her, it was still overwhelming.
“I was expecting tonight to go a lot differently,” he confessed. “…This is the first bit of good luck I think I’ve had in a while. A part of me wishes I’d told you sooner.” But, then, who knew where they might have been instead? Maybe she would have been mad at him back then. Maybe—
Maybe it didn’t matter.
He had enough to think about in the here and now; he didn’t need to be considering possibilities that would never come to be.
He just shook his head. “…I have to get everything ready.” No, that was wrong. He hesitated and then corrected, “I mean, we have a lot of things to do. The sooner, the better. I don’t want anyone to find out. No one in the Negaverse, at least.”
They could try and stop him, still. Try and stop him—or get to Cambria, or Evan. Or even Malcolm, who Zack found himself thinking about a bit more protectively than he had in years. It was a guilty conscience, he told himself, and nothing more.
He couldn’t afford going soft, now.
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:16 pm
“Then we best get started, Zack. And I think….I really think that we should start by going home, snuggling Evan and dealing with all of this tomorrow.” She powered back down to just Cambria and slipped her hand into his, stroking the back of it lightly with her thumb.
“Right now all three of us could use it...so why waste a good night together, okay?”
It wasn’t...avoiding the issue. It was taking a mental break. Using what time they had to relax and heal a little before jumping into the next great wall of fire. Besides...Evan damn well deserved to have Zack holding him...and she damn well deserved to hold Zack. And maybe Evans hand..or hell, maybe she’d just hold Evan too.
They were together...for as long as this lasted...right now they were together...and that’s what mattered.
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Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:16 pm
It was a good a plan as any, and with the anxiety he’d been building up prior to this conversation, a positive resolution meant that his adrenaline was fading, rapidly. He was reminded just how tired he was. He’d been running on fumes for a while now, and if Cambria could handle being away from Malcolm for a few hours, he couldn’t think of any way he’d rather spend tonight than curled up in his bed, with the both of them.
There wasn’t much they could do for Malcolm except for wait, anyway; they might as well do it at home.
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