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There were some things Donovan would never get right, some things he simply couldn’t apologize for. He knew he was facing up to one of them as he trudged up the walk to Xander’s house, heart simultaneously in his shoes and in his throat. He couldn’t breathe properly and hadn’t had his feet in Destiny City more than an hour before he found himself in a taxi heading toward his former lover’s house. He was coaching himself to keep his expectations low, that there was a good chance that he was going to get yelled at, hit, and worst of all that perhaps Xander had moved on and no longer wished to be his friend.

He held out no hope of them being lovers again, after this, though he carried a torch fueled by butane for the man, even an entire hemisphere away from him.

He left the pictures he took at home, nothing but himself on the doorstep as he rang the bell. It was with a deep breath and a trembling hand that he waited for the door to be answered; there was a car in the driveway indicating he was home. Alone, as it happened, which was both lucky and unlucky for the usually happy go lucky pirate.

“Xander,” his voice shook like his hands when the other man opened the door. “I was hoping we could talk.”

He had no right to expect it, hardly any right at all to ask but yet here he was, offering himself with his emotions on his sleeve as they should have been six months ago when he realized the truth. He’d regretted his decision making almost the second it was made, but by then it was too late to change things. If he’d opted out of the signed contract he would be fined and no one would want to work with him again. He needed his career, since he obviously couldn’t seem to manage a lasting love life to speak of.

“I know you must be angry with me. I’m willing to explain. Please, just don’t slam the door in my face, alright?”

Xander had his hair back in a ponytail, curly locs out of the way. He looked slightly confused when he saw Donovan because he hadn't seen or heard from the man in months. He woken in Donovan's bed alone, and any attempt to contact him was met with radio silence. His expression held no excitement, but shook his head. “I think you know me better than to think I would slam the door in your face Donovan.”

He didn't shorten the man’s name like he might have months prior, a testament to how Donovan’s actions were received. He honestly hadn’t know what went wrong and he amused it was something for Donovan to just disappear … the man didn't even give him the courtesy of a note … which at least Cerise had done years now prior wanting to protect Xander.

He moved aside to let Donovan in, but turned and headed back towards the kitchen assuming Donovan would follow. He was going to swim and the man’s suddenly turning up again was certainly something to swim over. The water would help his inner … turmoil? He wasn’t sure.

“I’m going to the pool house,” he said softly, continuing through the french doors out onto the patio and down the path to the pool house. It could be noted that the cook was doing his thing in the kitchen and would tut and roll his eyes at Donovan when he passed.

“It would be nothing more than I deserve and I know it.”

The subtle differences in how he was treated were not lost on the pirate. Each one wounded and he had to hold fast not to flinch. This was his own bed and he could not complain about being made to lie in it. At least he’d managed to get a few words from his former lover, which is more than he had spared when he left him behind. How to begin? How to explain what had happened? Coming out and admitting he had fallen for him now seemed like pouring salt on an already angry wound. Besides, it likely wouldn’t change things for either of them.

Obediently, he followed.

The cook appeared not to be his biggest fan, which was justified. He hardly noticed it, watching Xander as he led him through a house he was all too familiar with to the back yard.

“I was in Africa,” he explained. “It was a research article. We spent months out there. I -”

He sighed and stopped talking. It didn’t seem important. He’d been paid well for his time and after the bonuses and the royalties, he was rather wealthy at the moment. Most of it would be invested but he had plenty to get by on in the meantime. No where near the wealth around him, but enough for his modest needs.

“What do you want me to say, Xander, tell me.”

His eyes were wide and pleading, begging for way to begin.

Xander looked back over his shoulder when Donovan told him where he had been … Africa … he didn’t know what to say to that, so he turned and continued into the pool house headed for the changing room. They all often kept swim suit in the changing room even friend that visited. Donovan asked him what Xander wanted him to say he stopped and just stood there not looking back and not speaking before he walked into the changing room without a word.

He didn’t know whether the man would follow or not, but he grabbed some swim short, stripped down and pulled them on before coming back out and jumping right into the deep end. He was going to swim laps … he did this for exercise, but also anyone who knew Xander knew he also did it when he was agitated or overwhelmed. He paid the man no attention … he couldn't tell Donovan what to say.

He’d been through this twice and if he was honest, he wasn't even sure he could deal. When Donovan up and disappeared that when Xander was unsure, not before … thinking maybe it’d all been just fun and games … and feeling like a fool. Later thinking that maybe he ought to be less naive or less serious … he wasn’t sure.

He swam laps, going from one end of the pool to the other, turn, kick, swim, repeat. It might be a sometime before he was in the mood to stop.

The silence was positively deafening. Despite probably being able to hear a pin drop, the utter lack of sound washed over him and suffused his senses with a sense of loud longing for any sort of word, encouragement, something. He started to reach for Xander but already he was out of his reach and, so, he let his arms fall again before they’d managed to make it very far. Even his question was met with a wall of silence and if it he could drown in it, he was.

Donovan waited while Xander disappeared to change, debating giving up on all of it and just going home to drink away his misery, a cure he was not exactly unpracticed in anymore. Some nights in Africa it was all that allowed him to sleep, to burn away the thoughts of his lover while he tossed and turned in torment. The natives didn’t know what to make of him after a few days and called him “Moja Vindila” - Haunted One. That wasn’t very far from the truth so he did not protest the title.

For long minutes he watched Xander crossing the pool with long strokes, knowing very well what it meant. They both dealt with their problems in different ways and of the two his was much healthier. Glancing at the house, he could have just left him to his swimming and when, or if, he wanted to talk he was sure he’d be notified.

Of course, that was just before he couldn’t take it anymore and jumped into the shallow end, fully clothed, to haul his friend out of the water to look at him, something they had both been carefully avoiding.

“Damnit,” he burst out, “do something! Hit me, hate me. I ******** up; I know it, but don’t ignore me!” He wasn’t going to go away just because things were difficult. That had been his failing before. Still, his voice dropped and took on a pleading tone, a seldom heard accent curling at the words. “Xander, please don’t ignore me. I can’t take it.”

He released him then, stepping back to be able to support his weight against the concrete side of the pool. Otherwise, he wasn’t entirely certain his legs would hold him as they were slowly liquefying with fear and remorse. Even condemnation would be a welcome sound right about now with as much as he was already torturing himself.

“The whole time I was gone I couldn’t drink you away. I tried, God help me. I tried.”

His accent was thick and strong now, words coming in the natural tenor he learned from Pappy when he was a child. It was only concentrated effort that form the way he usually spoke and that concentration was broken right now, clouded by the strong emotions overwhelming him for his lover.

Xander was shocked to be pulled out of the water and flailed a bit as he was righted, coughing slightly having inhaled a bit of water in his surprise. He’d been so focused he hadn’t noticed Donovan get into the pool and now he was standing face to face with a fully clothed and drenched Donovan shouting at him.

“Yes, Donovan you did … and I’m not sure. I don’t even know how to feel about it all. It really hurts when you think … maybe you’ve got something and then … you go and do what you did.”

He turned and made to climb out of the pool, but stopped at Donovan's words looking at him in shock. “You did what?!?” The words were shocking to hear and he wasn’t sure how to feel about them. Why would Donovan want to drink him away. “You know Don … you’re my best friend yeah … if that was the case you could have just said something. It would hurt a whole lot less than being basically walked out on. I've been there …” He frowned looking at Donovan directly though his voice dropped a bit and he turned away, “twice now.”

He walked over to the wall and pulled himself up and out of the pool. He couldn’t do this right now, because clearly he wasn’t over the hurt. He was going to head into the changing room, but stopped not looking at Donovan. “... why?”

He turned when Xander got out of the pool, watching him carefully as he moved away from him. It was awful to feel the distance between them and yet he forced himself to hold still and gripped the edge of the pool so hard his knuckles turned white. His heart ached. ‘When you think you’ve got something” Jesus, what had he done? At least that cleared up the lingering question of whether it was a one sided affair or not. Clearly he was not the only one that had been deeply affected by their joining. How far that had gotten….well, that might be a moot point.

“Xander, I -” but he fell silent to let the other man finish, not trying to defend himself for now. Twice. ********, he had the wrong idea, that wasn’t what this was! He didn’t try to drink him away because he thought this was all just a game. The opposite, in fact, was true.

“NO!” he shouted, hauling himself out of the pool quickly and effectively, before Xander could disappear entirely. If this was gonna end, fine, but let it be with full knowledge of what happened. He was not someone that could be walked out on, not easily. There wasn’t a moment of the day in Africa where he hadn’t thought of him.

“Damnit, I loved you!” The words rang out clearly between them. He hadn’t actually spoken them aloud before just that moment and they startled him in their clarity. “Love you still, actually. In love with you, whatever you want to call it.”

His knees were doing that water thing again but he steeled his body to support him through this. Later he could collapse.

“I didn’t drink you away because I didn’t care. You never left my bloody mind! I went mad for you there, every second, and I drank because I knew that no matter what the reason I had just gone and done the worst thing I could have done to you.”

His chest was heaving as if he’d been running for miles and not simply trying to explain himself. His words were loud and passionate, but sincere and sorry. He tried to meet the other man’s eye and failed, looking off to just over his shoulder instead since that seemed to be easier. There was no way to explain to him why he’d made that stupid decision and yet he felt that Xander deserved for him to try. He deserved an explanation, even a monumentally stupid one.

At least his voice had quieted to something that could be considered an “indoor” voice.

“I’ve never been in love with anyone before in my entire life. Everyone I’ve ever loved, in any way, has been distant or has left me. When Pappy died a part of my heart died, too. The only good part of it. I never thought I’d settle down with anyone but you crawled under my skin in a way that was almost effortless. That last morning, when I was watching you sleep and realized that I loved you, was the most god damned terrifying moment of my life.”

He felt like hitting something because maybe then he’d release some of the pressure that had built up inside him during his confession.

“It doesn’t justify what I did, I know that. I knew it the second the plane took off. I know you’re angry with me and I won’t fight you on that. Just...you have to know it had nothing to do with you. It was because I wasn’t brave enough to stay and risk hearing you say you didn’t love me.”

Xander was shocked to hear Donovan say that he loved him, was in love with him and that made him look over his shoulder and turn around. Xander wasn’t sure he believed him in that moment because if Donovan loved him, was in love with him, then why had he fallen off the face of the earth for months. He frowned at him, a somewhat disappointed frown, but he listened, taking a seat on one of the pool chairs.

He listened and watched Donovan from his seat on the pool chair, quiet while the other man explained just what had happened. He at least understood what he had done was wrong and that he damaged their relationship, but the question was … could they repair it. Xander was a trusting person, but he’d gone from a loner who barely paid heed to others to a much more open and trusting person, who seemed to be destined to suffer for the change.

He of course wouldn’t take it back, because he wouldn’t have Dessie and wouldn’t know how important and good relationships were, but the pain of betrayal and mistrust was not something he enjoyed. Did Donovan betray him … in a way? Xander of course would forgive him, but he wasn’t sure what the status of their relationship would be … could be.

He stood and walked over Donovan, slipping his hand in the man’s hair, letting it rest on the back of his neck and pressing his forehead to the other man’s. He kissed him, lightly, briefly before saying, “... I wish you would have told me.”

He released Donovan and gave something of a sigh, “I need to think Don, okay?”

He didn’t really wait for an answer before turning and heading into the changing room, just in time to hear the cook calling over the intercom that lunch was ready. Xander paused, “you’re welcome to stay lunch, if you like.”

He walked into the changing room, to pull his clothes back on and head back into the house. He needed to really think about all this. Did he care deeply for Donovan, yes. Of that he had no doubt, but jumping back into things didn’t seem like it would benefit either of them and he wasn’t going to do that. That’s how they got here wasn’t it.

‘I’m sorry,’ he thought.

Donovan shuddered as he was kissed and nodded. It was almost comical and yet he didn’t have the humor in him to laugh about it. If he’d have just told him, this embrace might have been a far different thing. He’d spent months wishing he had simply told him what he was thinking before running off like that but he didn’t and it was too late to take it back with wishing. The only way out was through. Still, he nodded with a mirthless smile.

“Aye, lad. Me, too.”

It took the last of his waning strength not to cling to Xander when he stepped away, respecting his needs. Anything he got was far more than he was expecting and so much more than he deserved that he couldn’t dare ask for more. He watched him walk toward the pool house and closed his eyes once the other man was out of sight.

“That’s fair. More than.”

He didn’t think he had it in him to stay and suffer through lunch when just this small confrontation had him feeling like he was about to collapse at any moment. He waited until his friend was in sight, though, before he made his excuses. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.

“Thank you for the invitation but no thank you. I know you need the space and I need to respect that.”

He cupped Xander’s cheek for good measure, studying him for a moment but not making any other moves. Then he let his hand drop and stepped back trying to give him a brave smile.

“My number hasn’t changed. It didn’t quite work in Africa, but it’s fine now. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”