[PRP] Where the heart is (Shiloh & Jamie)

[Melancholies]

The sun was warm on his face.

It felt like weeks since the event in the garden. It felt like hours too, in a way, because not much had really changed since then. Everything fell back into a predictable wheel of monotony; school, work, sleep, school... Shiloh liked the routine though. He used to hate the confinement but now he craved the structure as an unfortunate side effect of Court. There wasn't the time to relax as a Noble, or a principal, or anything.

But the sun was tender and soft and compelling, his bed coaxing and the grip of his blankets too strong on his sense of will.

There was one thing that remained different. Between them was a thin little tendril, metaphorical in nature, but palpable enough to sink into the forefront of their awareness. It was a bond, something special, something recently discovered, something... avoided? Shiloh had been tiptoeing around it while simultaneously craving the sense of fulfillment that it had brought, the sense of together, of unity, of one. He missed it in the way someone misses a limb after amputation, because all that was left was a grey static void. Phantom pains. Maybe he was being dramatic.

He let his eyes stay shut, absorbed in his thoughts and the sunlight from the window. He took the reigns. He opened up. Jamie...? his voice was not audible, yet still heard. It was a test.

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

If Shiloh was being dramatic, then so was Jamie. It was a lie to say he didn't miss what they'd experienced in the dream, that deep connection teetering somewhere between foreign and familiar. The truth was something he didn't totally understand yet, but the extent to which he missed it felt outrageous for something they'd experienced a grand total of once. In his mind and in his heart it felt like a piece of him that had been there all along was suddenly gone.

In the warmth of the early morning sun, though, he didn't let the pinpricks of ache bother him. His breathing was soft and shallow, eyes closed and lips slightly parted. They were both awake, Jamie had noticed the change in Shiloh's breathing, but neither seemed willing to break the tranquility. That is until—

Shiloh? the response was almost immediate, like Jamie knew the words were coming before they even came. There was a gentle pulse behind his eyes and a clearing of his sinuses, that's the best way he could've described it. His heart beat off-rhythm once. You're... there?

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

There was a pull—a yank backwards—but whatever it was that was keeping them tethered was holding strong. Shiloh was sure that if he tried hard enough he could shatter it, but why? They weren't even touching, but he could feel the faint presence of Jamie there, warm and comforting. At the time in the dream they had been fully functional, but in the same breath... everything had been blocked out of their perception, everything but each other, and that scared him. It felt like losing a sense. But lingering like this still felt like missing a part of his body.

So he reached. Tentatively at first, he felt himself dragging along the metaphorical tendril between them. He could see it vividly with his eyes closed—like a lock and a key on either ends—perfect fits, but only for one another. He sighed.

I think... maybe? The words echoed like they were in a large, open space. I can't believe we can do this... physically, his lips twitched into a tiny smile.

I'm scared though. He admitted, I don't wanna get lost.

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

A hair tie snapping against his wrist, that's what the pull felt like. It didn't hurt, but it was noticeable, it was a message that read something like this: take it slow. The two of them were as different as night and day, but their thoughts ran in tandem here. As wonderful as this new feeling was, something told him not to rush into it. Jamie had all the patience in the world for this.

It's okay, that's fair. Y'know, honestly? Me too. The thoughts came in short bursts as he tried to gathers his thoughts and carefully feed them through the cracked door connecting their psyches. Physically he shifted then, curling tighter in on himself, closer to Shiloh, and bringing the blanket up to his chin. He still didn't open his eyes. Mentally, he cracked the door a little further.

We should just... stay here for now. Is that okay? One step at a time. It felt like they needed to learn to secure their metaphorical parachutes before they went jumping right over the edge of the cliff and into the other's mind.

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Snap; Shiloh took a deep breath, somewhat shaken, but quickly composed. He vaguely registered the physical sense of touch as Jamie brushed against him, the sensation amplified along the tendrils of their mental link. Yeah... he thought this openly, That's alright. Slowly...

Part of him did want to rush into it, but he held back. There was something drawing him closer—yearning—wanting to feel that satisfaction of the click, wanting to bond together completely again. At least Jamie was reciprocating the want. The closer he got, the more things he could feel; it wasn't just thoughts being transferred now, but emotions too. Jamie could feel his trepidation, but also his yearning. His caution, but his recklessness. Gentle but needy. Needy but careful. He felt like he was on the other side of the door looking in.

This is fine. He took an audible breath, deep and slow. He was calm now, composed, washed over with warmth. Kind of weird, but fine. Something like laughter echoed through their minds.

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

It was then Jamie fell silent, the 'voice' disappearing while he took a long moment to experience everything this was. The laughter, less like a sound and more like a feeling, coated every curve of his consciousness, it blurred the line between the who, what, or where. For a time, they simply were.

Jamie was participating in Shiloh's emotions. He wasn't just feeling them, though that was a part of it, too. No, they were his emotions as much as they were Shiloh's. The trepidation, the yearning, the caution, the recklessness—each and every wave was something he recognized and understood.

Was it possible to say your senses were both dulled and sharpened at the same time? Jamie thought so.

A small spark of awareness jolted through the connection, something that felt a lot like suddenly waking from a half-sleep you'd never meant to give in to. I almost forgot where I was... The voice was Jamie's, at least in part.

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Experiencing someone was a good way to put it, though Shiloh had largely been confined to his own head. Funny—here he was being the key—and yet he was the one locked away in his own mind. He had to be open. He had to reach out, be the one to undo the lock, gently open up...

Don't lose yourself there was another rumbling sound of laughter, vaguely reminiscent of thunder, I need you.

The door opened just a hair, and then a sliver, and then a tiny bit further. He was coaxing, but nervous too. He wasn't taking that step forward, but it was still obvious that he wanted it. Come here...? He asked quietly, only for the bond to jerk backwards again. Shiloh had second guessed himself, but he hadn't expected it to have that strong of an effect. Did he always do this? Say one thing, but then change his mind a moment later?

Sorry... Something like frustration bounced around their shared head space. In the physical world, his body was shuffling under the blanket. He felt vulnerable.

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

It was no surprise he felt vulnerable, who wouldn't? No matter how close they were, and Jamie considered them quite close, it was normally impossible to see this deep. Everyone had a safe space in their heads to retreat to, but not like this. If they opened entirely to the bond, Jamie had a feeling there wouldn't be anywhere to hide.

It's okay, he assured, his hand subconsciously at Shiloh's side, sliding down to his hip, warm and soft and protective. I'm scared, too, believe me...

There was no point in pretending they weren't afraid. There was no point in trying to hide much of anything, really. The more honest they were with themselves, the easier it would be to click. He could feel it.

I'm coming, okay? but he didn't go crazy, he didn't barge forward. Instead, Jamie took a single mental step, then one more. He put his hand on that metaphorical door and he inched his hand inside. A ripple washed across the bond, a hesitation, like fingers shivering in the cold or perhaps with nervousness or both.

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Shiloh felt the hand, but it was hazy in the way that he didn't really feel it either... Jamie was there at the proverbial doorstep, and it made him swallow with something between fear and anticipation. Would it hurt? It hadn't in the dream, but that was also that; a dream. What would it be like in the real world? Would it be any different? He felt the ripple against the forethought of his mind clear back to what he assumed to be his subconscious.

Okay... He said slowly, cautiously, or rather thought. Okay... the sound got softer, quieter, meeker like a mouse.

Jamie's hand was there, proverbially. He reached back, and their fingers brushed together. There was a sudden stillness, a lack of everything, and then—

They clicked.

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

It was like disappearing beneath the surface of the water. The noise was gone, the world was gone, his physical form was gone and so was Shiloh's. Here in their bubble were only thoughts, ones increasingly difficult to discern the origin of.

There was light and warmth, each one a fuzzy firefly glow lilting off in every direction. They numbered in the thousands. As quickly as they came, they vanished down a rabbit hole.

Do you remember when we first met? a voice said from somewhere. You said we were both weird. That's why we were gonna be friends.

Their headspace buzzed like home.

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

It was like watching a memory reel in slow motion, except there was so much stuff that he couldn't even begin to parse through it all. Some had gaps missing, blips, tears in the space—Court was a mess that tangled everything up—and then there was before that, the memories getting grayer and grayer and—

We ate lunch the next day at school A different voice said in response, You wouldn't skip with me.

He felt like he was floating, but he didn't feel wholly physical either. He just was, existing blissfully in some space between the lines of reality. Things were blurred here. Things were infinite here. They could do anything. The reel came to a slow.

Blackfriars silent, parse, parse, I got scared.

There was an image of Jamie through someone else's eyes—through Shiloh's eyes—staring at this wide eyed wild boy with rabbit parts and palpable nerves. There were others with him and inside the mind of the memory was a sharp, frantic GO AWAY, GET AWAY FROM HIM

I'll ******** FIGHT YOU.

And then there were hands on him, people pulling him back, the eyes of the other Moonwalkers staring down at him like it was an inconvenience. How else was he supposed to react?

Their headspace rippled like a wave, the important feeling of friend and protect boiling against the surface.

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

Seeing himself through someone else's eyes should've been strange, could've been disorientating, but instead it felt natural. There wasn't as much of a line between himself and Shiloh to trip over as there was before, as there would be for anyone else in the world. Here it was almost like watching one of his own memories unfold. Not completely, but getting there.

It felt safer with you there. Even if everyone else thought you were overreacting, I was glad...

There was another ripple, light and airy and a lot like bubbles. Worry and gratitude.

I thought I only had human things to worry about. It was dim, but there was light showing under a door and mirrors on the walls. It looked like a changing room. Only human things, not becoming an animal.

There was Jamie in the mirror. He was holding a skirt.

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

There was a mental head tilt, a quiet nudge forward, something soft and inquisitive as the memories lapsed around them again and formed into something new. Seeing Jamie in place of what should be his own reflection gave a similar sensation; he felt as though it should be strange and awkward, but instead it felt normal. He felt the ripple of anxiety and uncertainty like it was his own.

You're cute... There was something warm about his metaphorical tone, voice gentle and comforting. Sometimes I think the human things can be worse.

The memory didn't fizzle out completely, but it looked as if an amateur film student had gotten their hands on it, because another image layered over top instead of taking over completely. A faded, see through bed and the makings of a sparsely decorated bedroom, objects clipping with the bench in the dressing room and the hooks on the walls. Shiloh was there on his floor, back against the bed frame, his eyes furrowed as he stared at his sleeved up arms. He looked young—younger than Jamie did in the mirror.

The memoryloh looked over at the Jamie, even though it made no sense for them to be able to interact. "But I think we can get through it together, y'know?" He stood, image slowly rippling, his posture and build slowly melding into something closer to the present Shiloh. He was draped in ribbons and lace—not his Court outfit, but one of the many he wore as a tithe.

"It's okay to wear it." He said with a smile, voice completely contradicting the image of the memory; the tired eyes, the faint bruises, the other things marring his skin, the way his gaze was dull and empty.

saedusk

 

[saedusk]

It was funny how connected things could be. Circumstances that may look different on the outside aren't always so different. Sometimes, like now, they're very much the same. Jamie knew for sure that they both had their share of hardships. Though the image of a young, vulnerable Shiloh made their mind waver with more thoughts of protect, at the same time there were thoughts of you've been through so much, you're so strong.

Jamie from the memory looked up from the skirt in his hands to the tithe in the mirror, from his lace and his pleasantries to his bruises and scars. He smiled, too, and said, "We can. I know we can."

There wasn't enough of the memory left to do much more than speak, as strange as it was for this to happen in the first place. It was a lot like watching the memories from earlier, Jamie didn't find it all that weird. It was normal, it was enlightening.

"I'll wear it. Someday. Remind me again, okay?" His eyes said 'I'm scared,' but his voice said 'I'm counting on you and I believe in me.'

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

The tithe from the memory strode over with a elegant sort of grace, curtsied, offered his hand out, "Madam?" He greeted, and then there was silence, and then there was a snort. The memory fizzled out as quickly as it came. It's not the same

A clothing rack in a store, innocuous enough. A shirt with a turtle shell, the sleeves cropped off, a sense of longing.

I get it in some ways, though. The reel was ticking by again, this time to something more present. Shiloh sitting in a room—their room—his face red at he stared at his phone. Maybe it was because he was flustered. A close look proved it was actually rage.

I can't believe she forced you into that room. The voice was still calm, but capricious like a tempest. That's not the way you go about things.

Tick, tick, now it was there room as the present, Shiloh still alone as he meandered through their closet. It had to have been shortly after the void—not long after—as he started to produce one thing after another, shirt upon shirt upon shorts upon leggings upon you name it, the colors soft, the style femme. It was something Shiloh had obviously never brought up to Jamie, not until this memory.

I'll bring it up again, okay? I want you to be happy.

saedusk