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 Posted: Wed Jan 18, 2017 11:22 pm
Months had gone by since the last time he had seen Ashanite. Months had gone by, and the holidays had gone by, and he had spent them all with Arias…and it had been quite lovely. Whisler went to his wonder often enough to have realized that when he didn’t go, he didn’t feel good, so now he made sure to go a lot more often.
He had begun to bring up food and other such things, sticking frozen pizzas into an ice chest that he made…out of snow, of course, and figured if they cooked in an oven, why couldn’t he cook them up there making an oven out of the stones? At least this way, he was stocked up in case he needed a long break away from…from everything.
Like tonight, he was sure he was going to need a long break after this…he had to talk to Ashanite. He had to talk to him and tell him…they had to stop. He loved Arias, he had promised himself to Arias…and…
And Ashanite wasn’t on his side…wasn’t even wanting to come back…no matter how it hurt his heart…he had to end it…and it had to be done tonight, before he lost his nerve.
Carefully, he read over the letter he had penned a few days before and sighed.
‘Dear Ashanite,
It’s been a while, I think we need to talk, please meet me where we last met, I have a lot to say, and it all has to be said.
Whisler’
It seemed so…cold…but…but this had to be done.
He sent the letter and sat on the bench at the little table and buried his face in his arms. It had to be done, but he felt worse than lousy to do it.
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 11:00 pm
Getting a letter from Whisler was a bit of a surprise. It had been quite some time since they had spoken, and were Ashanite being honest, he had missed Whisler a lot.
He hated every single one of these ridiculous feelings. It wasn't...this wasn't how things were supposed to be, not for him. He had chosen Chaos, and the growing temptation to go back to Order was possibly the worst thing that could happen to him. Laurelite had put her faith in him, and he liked to think he had rewarded that faith at least a little bit, but this constant desire to go back to Order was the worst thing he could be feeling.
Besides, Order was no different than it had been when he'd left. Just...now Whisler was there, waiting.
Perhaps. This letter seemed...different than the last one. Shorter, certainly, and less effusive. Well.
He sighed, and then teleported back to the park, scanning for the Knight with both eyes and aura sense.
"Whisler? You called?" He held up the letter. No pet names, no flirtation, not yet, not when this conversation was opening with 'we need to talk.' 'We need to talk' was never a good sentence.
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 11:19 pm
Whisler lifted his head from the table and gave a heavy sigh, trying to keep it as low-key as possible. “Yeah, over here.” His eyes landed on the General and he felt his heart do a stupid flip. Damnit. Maybe he should have just written everything in a letter, maybe that would have been easier.
The knight sat up straight and flashed a little smile. All right. Here it was. He was going to say it, to break off this whole thing, it was going to come out of his mouth right now. “I’ve missed you. Are you doing okay?”
...yeah. Not at all the words that he had been planning on saying...but that was okay. He could recover from this. All he had to do was say it was over. That was all. Ashanite had to know that this couldn’t continue...he had to know that while they were on opposite sides, this couldn’t continue...but...there was no longer a way for Whisler to go back, and Ashanite...well…
He wasn’t seeming to want to come back to his side either...so there was no way this could continue.
...Right?
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 11:49 pm
Ashanite took a seat on the opposite side of the table - a relaxed, casual seat, because he wanted to ensure this was just that, and not somehow...uncomfortable. Even if he was fairly certain things were, undoubtedly, going to become uncomfortable.
"I'm...doing alright," Ashanite said. "How have you been?" Easy, neutral, especially after their last, fraught conversation. It was strange to go from that to...this, but time and distance and being in an unsustainable relationship on opposite sides of a war would do that.
Because they were on opposite sides, and they would remain such, because Whisler had made his choice and Ashanite had made his. Surely...surely they could continue this, though, their little illicit...whatever it was.
"How were your holidays?"
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 11:55 pm
Whisler watched him, his eyes going over the General, trying to see if he did indeed look all right. Trying to see...if he was lying or anything close to that...hoping to see something wrong, so he could try and fix it. Or try and push for the General to fix himself by coming back.
“I’ve been fine. Just...have a lot on my mind, I suppose. My holidays were good, I spent them...with a friend, and that was nice. It was nice feeling like I was a part of a family...I guess I’d been craving that, even though I didn’t really know it.”
He shrugged and gave a little grin. “You didn’t bring any booze this time, I admit I’m slightly disappointed.” The knight flipped some of his hair back over his shoulder and his expression turned to one that was almost serious. “Hey...Ashanite. What in hell are we? Is there a name for what we are, or are we just like, star crossed lovers who are going to burn out and become miserable as time goes on?”
It was as good a question as any, and he really wasn’t sure what the answer was going to be...but hey. He had to hear it no matter what.
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 12:18 am
Ah. Ashanite wasn't sure what the feeling that cooked in his chest was as Whisler described a holiday sort with friends and a...a family. Envy, perhaps. He didn't have much of anything like that - friends, certainly, but nothing like a family. It...hurt, to remember that he'd thrown all that away.
"I see," Ashanite said quietly. That was all - the best he could manage, without sounding bitter. He was happy in the Negaverse, on the whole - just, there were things he could not and would not ever have.
Whisler's question made him wince, hard. It was...pointed, but not unfair.
"I...don't know," he admitted. "What do you want us to be?" Surely there was someone else, someone better, easier. That friend Whisler had spoken of -- Ashanite wondered how close they really were.
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 1:01 am
Whisler nodded, then let his head fall onto his arms on the table again, watching Ashanite, almost sadly. This was it. This was where he broke it all off. This was where he ended what could have been a really good thing.
“I want us to be together. I want us to be the family we talked about...I want to bring you and your...kids over to the right side…”
Well hell. Betrayed again by his mouth. That was not what he had planned to say. “I want to spend holidays with you, and laugh and exchange gifts and drink hot chocolate and...everything. He shrugged and closed his eyes, seeming exhausted. “...But we can’t do that...and it sucks…It just plain sucks…”
Well...no, he was still utterly off track, but he had the potential to get back on it...if he wanted...but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to or not…
“I just...I love you. You know that.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 1:17 am
Ashanite looked down. Of course that was what Whisler wanted. It was what anyone rational would want. It was what Ashanite would have wanted, once.
"I was afraid you were going to say that," Ashanite admitted. It was a nice fantasy, it really was. It was pleasantly domestic, and imagined a world where there was something Order had to offer that Ashanite wanted to go back to. He loved Whisler. He did. So much that it hurt.
But he hated being weak and afraid more. And "weak and afraid" was all he had ever felt as Ploutonion.
Now, he was Ashanite - a Negaverse General, deadly and dangerous and vicious.
"I can't go back. I don't want to. I'm sorry." He sighed. "I care for you, but -" he shook his head. "No. I can't."
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 1:26 am
It felt like a punch to the stomach, and Whislers head snapped up, his face full of confusion and hurt and a sort of childish bewilderment.
“But...what? I don’t understand. They took you from us...I was there, they stole everything from you, Ashanite...I...I understand that order messed up with the stupid idiots and the kidnapping...but...but you know I would never hurt you, you know I would never…”
This was not how this was supposed to go, he wasn’t supposed to be the one getting rejected...and he didn’t want to be doing the rejection either. “Why don’t you want to come back...I…” He swallowed, feeling his eyes begin to burn a little. No. He wasn’t going to cry. That would be foolish. He couldn’t...wouldn’t do that.
“I can’t come to your side...I’ve ******** that up, Ashanite...The only way we can be together...like really together…”
The knight broke off and looked down at his arms. He felt like the world was shattering under him and he didn’t like the feeling. “...I’m just being pushy again. I’m sorry…”
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 1:40 am
Ashanite couldn't help it. He started laughing, bitterly, the sort of sound that had no humor in it at all. Over a year, he had spent on this ruse. On convincing Order that he was their lost little lamb. But he was tired. Tired of the lies - and here, in front of him, was the best reason. Whisler never would have looked at him twice if he knew the truth. Whisler never would have loved him, and he never would have had to deal with all these terrible, painful, confusing feelings.
"Oh, Whisler." He said. "I forgot, you're operating on a fundamental misunderstanding." He stood up from the table, then, putting a little distance between them.
"You think I didn't choose this." He finally managed to stifle that terrible, bitter not-laughter. "But I did. I played you, I played everyone there, except for Laurelite. The best performance of my entire life. The longest one, too. but living a lie is so tiring." He shook his head.
"I'm not going back to Order. I left. I chose this. So no matter how I feel about you - no, never. I won't go back there. I won't go back to that. I left for a reason, and nothing I've seen since has convinced me I chose wrong."
Except, for a little while, Whisler. But Ashanite had always known he couldn't have this. Monsters like him didn't deserve good people like Whisler. It was only a matter of time, really, before this ended; better that he take control and do it himself.
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 1:50 am
No. No that wasn’t possible. He had been there, he had nearly seen Ashanite die by the hands of that one officer, he had done his best to help...it hadn’t been a...a performance...this was a lie. Some sort of trick that the Negaverse had put into his head. That was all. But…
He felt as though he were going to throw up. “I...I see.” Whisler stood, dragging his eyes up to look at the General again. He had moved away from him, and...and that wasn’t what Whisler wanted.
“So...was that the only lie you told me? That they brought you over unwillingly...or are you lying about your feelings for me too...because…” He swallowed and took a step towards Ashanite, holding out a hand, hoping that the General would close the gap he had just put between them.
“...I can forgive that lie...but I don’t know if I could forgive you not caring about me...and if you say you really didn’t...I think you would be lying then. I...I still believe there is good in you, Ashanite. I know there is, in fact...and I still...I still just want you to come home. I love you.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 2:01 am
Ashanite took a deep breath. Here it was, a chance to...to make this something like right. Not for him, no, but for Whisler, who would undoubtedly be happier without him, and who would surely find someone else who made him happy. Someone who was not a Negaverse General.
He reached up and thumbed over the broken Saturn symbol attached to his collar, focusing just enough to activate it. Best to have the little extra boost, for a lie this big and terrible.
"I lied about a lot of things, Whisler," he said. "I was a fool to continue this after you Transcended, really; I supposed I hoped you might make a good source of information. Obviously that was not my best-laid plan."
He took a step back. It was like ripping his own heart out and stepping on it, but this was for the best. It had to be.
So he clicked his tongue derisively and told one last lie.
"It's never been anything but a game to me."
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 2:12 am
Whisler shook his head slowly. Keeping his hand outstretched until well after Ashanite had finished talking. Finally he lowered his hand and nodded. “Yeah. Okay.” He was surprised at how little he felt. The words didn’t seem to have any meaning, but he wanted to lash out, and he wanted to get even...but he also just wanted to curl up somewhere and cry...but yet another part of him just wanted to laugh in Ashanites face and tell him to quit lying.
“I think I came here tonight to break things off with you. But...the moment I saw you I knew I couldn’t do it. I love you too much.” He stood up a little straighter and drew in a deep breath. “I’ll keep fighting for you, Ashanite. I’m not giving up on you just because you’re afraid ******** who knows. I think you’re being a fool, but I don’t care. If I have to find a way to give up this transcendance, I will. And then I’ll corrupt and we’ll be together. But I swear to god, when your stupid little lieutenants get stronger than me, I swear I’ll drown them.”
He reached his hand up and rubbed at his eyes. “God you piss me the ******** off.”
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Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2017 12:07 am
Ashanite snorted. “Pathetic,” he said, infusing the word with as much derision as he could. “You should have gone through with it, maybe you’d still be living under the illusion that I was what you thought I was.” Throw up walls, throw up as many walls as possible, and refuse to budge, and maybe then blowing his long game just to manage a clean break with someone he - if he were being honest - probably could have been happy with would be worth it.
“But I suppose if you’re willing to do all that just to come crawling back to me, I’d be happy to take you back. As Mariposite.”
That was it, he hoped.
“And if you lay a hand on one of my Lieutenants, I’ll gut you like a fish. Just so we’re clear.” Because that couldn’t go unanswered, certainly. Those...those kids were his responsibility.
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Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2017 12:22 am
Something inside Whisler snapped with those words. It felt like he had the rugs pulled from under his feet and suddenly nothing made sense. It hurt. It hurt more than he wanted to think could be possible and he gave a laugh.
“Okay.”
The knight’s laughter died and a sardonic smile replaced it. “If this is how you want it, Ashanite, so be it.”
How could he think that Whisler would have ever hurt the kids. The kids he wanted to save—wanted to adopt…but now.
Oh now those lieutenants had big, fat targets on their heads. Everyone that Ashanite cared about now had a big fat target on their head. All he had to do now was figure out who those people were. Maybe if he got his hands bloody, maybe that would break this stupid transcendence. He didn’t want it. He wanted the ability to rip out starseeds…he wanted to rip out Ashanites and devour it. He wanted to snuff out that mocking light that was in the other male’s eyes.
God he wanted him to hurt. “Goodbye, Ashanite.”
He turned, but he hesitated, some part of him hoping, hoping and wishing that the General would just change his mind and tell him to wait.
He didn’t want this to be over.
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