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Advertised around town on available bulletins, a carolling group has been requesting volunteers to join them. There doesn't seem to be any catches--it's just a fun little opportunity to spread some Holiday cheer while making some new friends! Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to--maybe, instead, you're the sort to chase carollers off your doorstep?
Who on god's green, (well it was snowing so for the sake of clarity, it was actually white), earth thought that caroling first thing in the god damn morning was a good idea? After rejecting joining up, it seemed his need for being left alone was catching him karma. It was not even 9 am and some ******** shitting d**k waffle bags of flaming hot dorito turds had showed up on one very hung over Louis Miles's doorstep, chanting songs that sounded better coming out of a recorder also known as satan's a*****e. They were off in tone and pitch and one of them had forgotten the lyrics half way so when they reached the chorus it got painfully loud and awkward as a voice suddenly joined in. Nothing in that moment could have sounded worse to the 24 year old who was debating if he could still get away with murder in broad daylight on his front porch. With each passing syllable he found the thought all the more tempting until they polite thanked him for listening and started to walk away.
They didn't even ask for a donation. The ******** was this? What god forsaken twilight zone bullshit had just happened where carolers showed up, sang like the devil himself was ripping out their spines through their eye sockets only to walk off like he didn't even have a single can of ******** baked beans to donate to whatever food bank charity bullshit they were no doubt going on singing for. The ******** they didn't. Those singing ******** were about to catch these slightly clammy and sticky beer scented hands. They were also going to catch so many cans. As many ******** cans as he had.
This turned out to be 8 cans of tomato paste from the bulk food store, 5 boxes of fast n easy mac and cheese, 9 small cans of tuna, 3 cans of all different bean types, (black, pinto, and refried to be precise), two cans of fruit cocktail for those last minute family holiday fruit punch bowl jello mixes he always made so grandma couldn't complain, the 8 boxes of cherry jello, a can of corn, two cans of olives, green, whole and pitted. He did not know why only that he had them. He also had pumpkin. No evaporated or condensed milk but- Libby's pure pumpkin puree. The good s**t.
Still hung over and furious and the snub of being asked to donate food because he looked well, like a hung over college student, (who everyone expected to be broke as he was just never admitted to because then you got 'same'), Louis shoved the fidning in a bag, got in his car and started the drive. When he found the carolers, they looked at him, terrified. He was pretty sure the old lady must have actually pissed herself.
Angry, not entirely of the right mind, Louis unloaded the canned goods out of his car in front of them and began to drive off. Carolers were assholes.
For the next week, Louis's roomie was left wondering what happened to his pantry.
Some secrets just had to die buddy.
