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 Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:00 pm
October 2016
“What if I went back to school? Got an english or communications degree?” he said with a laugh as he laid on his back on the bed, his arm behind his head over the pillows as he stared up at the boring grey ceiling of his room, phone to his ear. “Maybe I’ll be a book editor or something,” he added, seemingly amused by the very thought, but also fishing for any hints on whether or not Caspian would be for or against it.
After all, it wasn’t as though Michael didn’t already have a job. He had been teaching at Azure Valley for the last five years, and he didn’t really have any intention on leaving until after Peter had graduated, so there was always that to consider.
“Maybe summer classes, or night classes, or online classes… Or,” he said, as if it the next option should have been the top consideration all along, “Or I could just not have a job and then you won’t have to worry about me ever being busy.” It wasn’t as though he couldn’t afford to not work, but he knew he would get restless without at least something to do.
It was just another normal night, or at least as normal as a night that Michael and Caspian weren’t actually together was. They did have to do their own thing at some point, as much as Michael disliked it. The irony that at one time he only ever expected a call from Caspian maybe once a week when he woke up from a nightmare, and now he couldn’t seem to get to sleep without being able to talk to Caspian before going to bed, was not lost on him.
And now, instead of feeling closed off and distant from everyone, he willingly opened himself up to Caspian. Well, not completely about everything, but he was working on it. They both were. —————— “A book editor would be cool,” said Caspian, turning a page of his history textbook and highlighting a line about the French Revolution in neon green. “Then you could read everything before it came out. You know,” he added, a grin on his face, “Get the inside scoop before everyone else. It would be kinda awesome to know the ending of stories before other people.”
He rolled his eyes, a movement unseen over the phone. Caspian was sitting at his desk, bare legs tucked underneath him as he sat squished in his chair in a pair of pale green shorts, a vibrantly green shirt, and Michael’s sweatshirt, which, of course, was much too large for him and practically swallowed him. Homework was the devil, in Caspian’s opinion, but unfortunately necessary if he wanted to actually get through college.
“You should work,” he said sternly. “Otherwise you’ll patrol, and I need you to not be constantly patrolling. Or you’ll get bored,” he added, in spite of the fact that a freer Michael would be a delightful prospect, and they both knew it. Caspian was trying to be a good boyfriend, after all.
“Going to school could be cool, though,” said Caspian thoughtfully, tapping his pencil against his cheek in thought. “Then we could be doing homework together instead of me just staring at this stupid history book and wondering why it matters that the French Revolution took place from 1789 to 1799.”—————— “It matters,” Michael said, smiling at the idea of Caspian doing homework, and then the possibility of them working on homework together. He didn’t think he would mind helping Caspian out now if he needed it. “Because do you know who was President at the time? George Washington. And the revolution prompted the first party system for those who were for the British and their stability and trade, and those who were for the French and admired what they did to end the horrible conditions the citizens were through,” he explained, although he was sure Caspian must have just read all of this in his text book. Maybe. “The revolution changed how people think. France no longer had a monarchy. The people stood up to fight. What are you taking? World history one-oh-one?”
Talking to Caspian about all the things he was learning about was better than talking about other things, like the fact that he was probably right about him probably going to patrol more if he didn’t have a job, which meant more danger. It wasn’t as though he went out looking for danger, but he couldn’t exactly bring himself to back down from a fight.
“But yeah, I was thinking about that… the book editing thing. I’m not sure what else I would need to qualify for something like that, so I figure learning more about literature and writing would be good,” he said, rolling over onto his side, his arm sliding under the pillow to hold under his head.
“I wouldn’t be able to do a job that required too much traveling…” he mumbled softly, somewhat ashamed and feeling a little ridiculous for it. He knew he needed to get over his fears one day… he just didn’t think he could handle it just yet… “You know, because I would miss you too much,” he said, his tone of voice shifting to something more playful. —————— ”You sound,” said Caspian delicately, “like a teacher.”
Except there was a clear note of affection in his voice, and it was undeniably said with amusement and pleasure, not sarcasm. Caspian ran his fingers through his hair, his pencil dropping to his desk for the time being. “But yes, I mean, I did read that part a few minutes ago, but somehow it just sounds so much better coming from you.”
Maybe because he’d always liked the sound of Michael’s voice. Caspian dropped his hand away from his hair and reached for his pencil again, tapping it restlessly on the desk.
“An English degree, maybe?” he said, a slight frown of thought tugging at his lips. “I dunno either what you’re supposed to have to be an editor, but maybe you could go to grad school or something, y’know. Ask one of those advisor person things, the ones that are supposed to be your career help and all.”
Because I would miss you too much.
Caspian opened his mouth and then shut it again, his cheeks heating. He was extremely glad that the door to his room was presently closed and that Cassie was not looming around the corner listening in to his conversation with the boyfriend he still had yet to tell her about.
One day.
“You’re an idiot,” Caspian mumbled, but once again, it was said with affection. “I wouldn’t want you to travel too much either, just so you know.”—————— Michael laughed, hearing the affection clear in the words Caspian spoke, and Michael wished he was there in person so he could kiss him. He never liked being away from Caspian for so long, but figured it was better for them that way. Caspian had school. Michael had school. There was just a lot that needed to be done and it didn’t involve them needing to be together all the time, even though that would make things more enjoyable.
“Yeah, well… I would hope so,” he said, still snickering softly in amusement. “Although I’m pretty sure my students don’t always pay attention to my lessons, even if they’re staring at me,” he said with a playful groan, pushing himself to sit up, pulling his legs up, crossing his ankles, and resting his arm over he bent knee. “Maybe I should teach with a paper bag over my head. Think that would help boost grades?”
He wasn’t stupid enough to not realize that some of these Azure boys only took his class to look at him. They had no interest in mechanics or engineering, but rather hoped for the chance of Michael rolling up the long sleeves of his shirt as he wrote notes or did demonstrations.
“One of those advisor person things might be needed, I guess,” he said with a grin. “Sure, why not? And if I don’t like it, I can just quit, right?” he said, although he was sure Caspian knew by this point that once he started something he was going to follow through. He didn’t quit. That just meant that he failed, and he couldn’t do that.
“Yeah, but I’m your idiot,” he countered softly, his expression shifting from amused to pure affection as he picked at the hem of his pants. “One day we should travel somewhere. Europe or… is that too much?” he wondered suddenly, wincing at how quickly he shifted into plans about traveling the world. —————— He was trying very hard not to be outrageously dependent on Michael for a variety of reasons - namely because if Michael was his only friend, then neither one of them would ever have healthy, long-lasting relationships, which, Caspian knew, both of them were at least trying to work on. Sort of. Mostly.
It was made, however, more difficult by the fact that just hearing Michael’s voice made Caspian feel warm all over, the pages of homework in front of him sliding into nothing more than nonsensical words. He really did need to get these questions done, but he’d do it after his phone call; it made it easier to accomplish if he had a goal to work towards, after all, said goal meaning he would get to see Michael sooner.
“Are they staring at you because they think you’re hot?” Caspian asked with a little snort of amusement, the corners of his lips quirking up. “I mean, not that you aren’t, because, well...I didn’t call you hot stuff the first time I met you for no reason.”
And it had been a lot easier to playfully flirt back then, because Caspian hadn’t expected anything out of it. Now that everything had happened, it was just a lot of flustered stupidity on his part...but something about talking on the phone made it somewhat easier to go back to the banter that he was comfortable with instead of stumbling over it in his attempts at being flirtatious.
“Good thing you’re taken,” Caspian said, scribbling absently in his notebook. “All those hearts you’re breaking, tsk tsk…”
He smiled a little, another line drawn down the side of Caspian’s paper. “You wouldn’t just quit,” he said, sounding slightly amused. “You’ll stick it out, I know you.”
A small, startled laugh escaped, but it was filled with warmth and affection. “You are definitely my idiot,” said Caspian, feeling a surge of silly pleasure. “And no, that’s not too much,” he added hastily, his heart fluttering in his chest at the prospect of traveling. “But I say...Australia. Or New Zealand. Or, ooh, Asia, all over Asia, that’d be pretty badass…”
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:03 pm
“Hey now, don’t start laughing at that,” he cautioned but still laughed, amusement in his voice. “Some of those boys are still very closeted. I don’t mind the staring, I just wish some of them focused more on their school work in between.” There weren’t many, but a few over the years had spoken with him about their struggles, and he was glad to get them the support they needed, whether it be a trusted therapist, or just helping them network and learn more about themselves.
Of course, the comment about him breaking hearts had him laughing again, but it faded out to a small groan. “Good thing, huh? If they knew, I’m sure they’d all be jealous of my attractive boyfriend,” he said, still smiling softly, almost wishing he could see Caspian’s face, but thought it would be better this way. To ween Caspian off of needing to see that Michael was still alive, and by listening to him speak instead.
There was nothing wrong with feeling the way he knew Caspian did. He just wished there was something more he could do to help. Caspian had been through a lot already, so any little bit to ease his burden would be good.
“Fine, I won’t quit, but I’ll be miserable and whine to you about it. Would you be okay with that? It would get annoying pretty fast,” he warned, enjoying the small laugh that seemed to escape. He wondered if they were going about things too quickly. Just as he’d wondered multiple times before. But regardless, he enjoyed these conversations, even if he would rather just kiss Caspian silly.
“Okay, okay, we can travel wherever you want to go,” he agreed, not commenting on how they would get to these places since it would still be a while from then before they did go, he assumed. And if need be, he was sure they could take a boat.
“I miss you,” he said suddenly, and then realized how desperate he probably sounded. “Not that I didn’t see you yesterday, but…” It had been a while since they’d gone so long without seeing each other in person. —————— ”I was never closeted,” Caspian said, with a thoughtful sort of frown, tapping his pencil against the table again. “Well. I mean, when I told my mom I liked both boys and girls, she just said, ’Okay, but who’s cuter, Ryan Reynolds or Emma Watson?’ But in school...I dunno, I didn’t really flaunt it, but I guess I never really hid it, either; it was just sorta always there.”
Caspian felt his face flush a little, and he gave a small snort, even as his heart decided to do flipflops in his chest. “Talk like that, and I’m sure they’ll be all over you,” he said, trying to sound casual, except for the slight amusement in his voice that warmed alongside with the affection. But he was pleased, anyway, that Michael’s habit of calling him attractive had yet to stop. Each time he heard it was another reminder, after all.
“Yes,” he said, Caspian’s smile widening. “Whine about it to me all you want, and while you’re miserable, I’ll bring you milk and cookies and you’ll be just fine and dandy.”
He was laughing, liking the silly banter as much as the serious talk. Homework was important, but Caspian would finish it after his talk; he hadn’t - and he wasn’t, unfortunately, going to be able to - see Michael today, so he was getting in the time he could, while he still could.
Even if, somewhere in the back of his mind, there were little nagging thoughts in Caspian’s brain that he blamed Peter for.
The I miss you successfully managed to scramble Caspian’s thoughts into nothing but warmth. He felt his cheeks burn, felt the familiar throb in his chest, and it was stupid. He was stupid, and yet he couldn’t help himself from being ridiculously pleased at the sentiment. It didn’t matter that it had only been a day, Michael was still capable of making him feel immensely adored.
It was a very, very nice feeling.
“I miss you too,” Caspian said softly. “I always miss you, as stupid as that sounds.”—————— “I’m glad your mom supported you,” Michael said, his voice soft despite still smiling, “Or at least not make a big deal about it.” There were a lot of kids and adults who weren’t as lucky and didn’t have any kind of support system, which he was sure Caspian knew. “I never really talked to my parents about how I felt, but my mom was always so open about things that it never seemed to matter one way or another,” he quietly explained, although feeling a little awkward about it since this was a topic he usually avoided at all costs. Thankfully it didn’t seem as though there was much need for any discussion to continue.
He let out a small laugh, shaking his head at the thought of his students being all over him. Somehow he didn’t think they were quite that infatuated with him. “You’ll bring me milk and cookies?” he asked with a bark of a laugh. “What kind of cookies? It matters, you know. I’m not much of a sugar cookie guy.”
It was nice, talking to Caspian like this, just messing around and talking about whatever came to mind, even if it was silly little things. He shifted to flop onto his back again, staring up at the ceiling once more, wishing he was on Caspian’s bed staring up at his star mobile instead.
“It doesn’t sound stupid to me,” he said just as softly, lifting his hand to run his fingers through his hair, which he’d had trimmed recently again so the longer strands were down the middle of the top of his head, shorter on the sides, but not too short. “I always miss you, too… which is funny, I guess, because I remember threatening to block your number if you called me or texted me too much.” And now he could barely get enough of him. —————— Thinking of his mom always made Caspian smile. “She’s pretty awesome - but don’t tell her I said that,” he deadpanned. “It’ll go to her head.”
It’d be nice if one day Michael could meet her. Caspian had been hesitant about Michael meeting any of his family for a variety of reasons, none of which included shame, and most of which had to do with the fact that he didn’t want any of them to make a big deal out of it, no matter how big a deal it actually was. Cassie, he knew, would tease him relentlessly and so would their mother, and he wasn’t entirely sure he was ready for that just yet.
He gave a little laugh and said, “Oh, that’s right, I forgot, Mr. ‘I-don’t-like-sugar’ over there. Maybe I’ll just like, bring you something ridiculous instead, like coffee and steak or tea and crackers.”
Caspian leaned back in his chair, pulling his legs up to his chest in the process. He wrapped his free arm around them, the sleeves of his borrowed sweatshirt falling over his fingers, Caspian’s expression one of affection and pleasure at all once.
He was profoundly grateful Michael could not see his stupid face right now.
“Yes, well,” Caspian said, sounding amused. “That was back before you were totally won over by my winning personality and my sparkling wit, wasn’t it? Now you get to put up with all of that, sorry.”—————— “That’ll be the first thing I say,” he deadpanned right back. “I’ll tell her how amazing you think she is, and how you keep telling me not to tell her.” And maybe he would, if only to make sure his mother knew exactly how much Caspian appreciated her.
“I don’t know,” he said thoughtfully, “Coffee and steak sounds pretty amazing. I wouldn’t say no to that. It’s not all sugar I dislike! Just too much of it. The chocolate chip cookies my mom makes are more salty than overly sweet. They’re pretty good. I’ll have to get her to make some for you,” he grinned, obviously still amused by Caspian’s suggested alternatives to cookies.
Michael pulled his arm out from where it rested behind his head, lifting it to trace invisible shapes on the ceiling, not really thinking about anything, just trying to imagine being in Caspian’s room, talking to him in person. It was difficult to imagine when it was obvious how far away Caspian was.
He paused in his tracing of an invisible star on the ceiling, his hand still in the air for a moment, before lowering it down to the bed. Really, his adversity had been before he realized just how much Caspian might actually need someone, although he’d never understood why it was him of all people Caspian chose.
“Yes, it was back before you won me over,” he agreed, although frowned slightly in concern. “You called me that night you’d been injured… was that because you trusted me, or because you had no one else?” He figured either was a likely choice. Caspian was way too trusting and threw himself easily into danger, but he had a sinking feeling that if Michael hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t given his number to Caspian to call if he needed him, he would have had no one and could have very well died in that alley.
It was a thought that terrified him, even though that was months ago. —————— ”Salty chocolate chip cookies sounds like a copout,” said Caspian suspiciously, now toying with the pencil in his hand, twisting it absently between his fingers. “Everyone should have good chocolate chip cookies with a lot of sugar, especially if your name is Michael Gallo, that’s definitely an important part of all dietary needs.”
He was grinning into the phone, stupidly, because the playful banter was easy and comfortable. The question, however, made his smile falter a little, and Caspian leaned his head against his arm, inhaling the scent of Michael’s sweatshirt. It no longer smelled like him, having been washed several times already; but the clean, fresh detergent scent was familiar and soothing, and he shifted to hold the phone more securely against his ear.
“A little of both, maybe,” Caspian admitted, after a moment. “I mean...I guess I could have called my sister, but she has no idea about, you know. My other life and all that. And I didn’t want to worry her, or make up some nonsense, because I don’t like lying to her, even though I do it all the time. Plus, she would have gone to Mom, and that would have been terrible.”
He gave a little shrug, Caspian plucking at a stray thread in the sleeve of the hoodie.
“Plus I kinda...thought you would know what to do. I think I sorta instinctively trusted you, even though you kept telling me not to, and that you weren’t worth my trust.”
Caspian was silent for a second, and then added, “Good thing I didn’t listen.”
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:05 pm
A little of both, maybe.
He could hear the shift in Caspian’s voice, the smile in his tone fading, which made Michael’s fade a little more, his chest aching at the thought of Caspian being unhappy or upset, and wishing that he could have just kept his mouth shut and questions to himself. But as it turned out, Caspian didn’t seem too upset about responding.
“I probably should have just taken you to the hospital. Doing what I did was risky. You were lucky. Very lucky,” he mumbled, grimacing in retrospect at the events of that night. Of course, he was sure Caspian knew the reason he didn’t take him immediately to the hospital was because he didn’t want to break his trust, despite not thinking he deserved it…
Which, surprisingly enough, was exactly what Caspian said next, and Michael stared up at the ceiling, his mouth stupidly open for a while before shutting it again. Caspian was unusually good about reading him, to a point where it threw him off. To a point where he wondered if Caspian knew him better than Michael knew himself.
“Of course not. You’re too stubborn to listen,” he said softly back, hoping the playfulness would lighten the mood back up again. It was his own fault for asking in the first place.
There was a pause of his own, and then, “I’m glad you didn’t listen. Thank you…” —————— ”No hospitals,” Caspian grumbled automatically, rubbing his fingers absently along the edge of the desk, mostly for something to do with the hand not holding the phone. His voice softened a little. “I know I was lucky. You came and got me and it hurt like a mother ******** getting those stitches, but you at least plied me with alcohol beforehand, so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.”
And he’d gotten to see a side of Michael he hadn’t expected; a different aspect to a man that Caspian had, by then, already figured out to be stubborn and resistant to most change, and to this - to Caspian. But in spite of that, Michael hadn’t hesitated to come and get him, to help him, and that had made all the difference in the world, Caspian thought.
Because look at where they were now.
The corners of Caspian’s lips quirked up, a little smile tugging at them.
“I’m too stubborn for a lot of things,” he said, a laugh in his voice. “My mom used to say I was born stubborn.”
He heard the warmth in Michael’s voice and felt it rise in his cheeks, Caspian biting his lip for a second, heart fluttering pleasantly in his chest.
“Me too,” he said softly, and then added teasingly, “And I’m glad you didn’t just throw me out on my a** like that one time.”—————— Michael grimaced and frowned, remembering the very strong alcohol he’d given Caspian and wondering just how bad that had been. It was better than the alternative of Caspian feeling everything, but he was also under age and Michael wasn’t much of a law breaker. Or at least preferred not to be.
“She used to say that?” he couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head. “I’m pretty sure she still says that. Don’t even joke,” he pointed out, amused that Caspian thought he could get away with used to be called stubborn. But Michael happened to like that he was stubborn. Sometimes. Not all of the time.
He practically sputtered at Caspian’s teasing, and pushed himself up and back to lean against the pillows, his free arm crossed over his chest a little defensively. He’d almost forgotten about all that, it seemed like so long ago.
“Are you talking about the time you slipped up and I found out who you were and called you a taxi to take you home?” he asked with a worried frown. “You know I didn’t actually leave, right…? I’m a jerk, but not… not that much… not when you were hurt…” he mumbled, wondering if Caspian really thought that he would have just left him there to wait for some potentially sketchy taxi on his own.
Yeah, he wanted him to ponder what he was doing out on his own at night, but he wasn’t going to actually abandon him.
“I don’t know why you bothered giving me the time of day after that…” —————— ”Okay, she always says that,” Caspian said, rolling his eyes, but he couldn’t help smiling. He shifted a little in the chair to make himself more comfortable, basking in the warmth of Michael’s sweatshirt and the reassuring sound of his voice. No matter the cause, or the topic of conversation, nothing tended to ease his heart more than Michael’s voice, quiet and familiar and a balm to whatever aches and pains he might have had.
A laugh escaped him, Caspian hearing the defensive note to Michael’s voice.
“Yes,” he said, grinning. “You totally just left me in that alleyway, you jerk.”
It was an affectionate tease, lighthearted and easy; but the smile slipped a little at the rest of what Michael said, Caspian’s eyes widening, pink starting to flush across his cheeks. He bit his lip against the tide of emotions that cluttered his throat and swallowed them back.
“Wait. You didn’t leave?”
Not that he had ever thought that Michael was a jerk - just obstinate - but back then, Michael had had little interest in him, and had hardly wanted to be around him, let alone help him. And yet he’d stayed anyway, Caspian letting this little fragment of information seep gently into his heart.
“...because even then I couldn’t let go,” Caspian said quietly, after a moment. “Even then, I wanted to know more about you.”—————— “Of course I didn’t leave,” he frowned sadly, although he knew Caspian had no reason to assume that he didn’t. He had left him in the alley by himself, but that was only to prove a point.
“I powered up and hung out around the corner until I knew someone picked you up,” he admitted, feeling guilty for it now even if he hadn’t back then. Back then he’d still wanted to keep Caspian away from him. Leaving him, or letting Caspian think he’d left him, should have worked. Caspian should have thought of him as a total jerk and stayed away, or maybe changed his mind about powering up at all if he thought he was alone.
Michael closed his eyes, lifting his free hand from where it was wrapped over his chest to rub at his face, as if trying to understand just how Caspian could be the way he was. How he could possibly think that someone who’d left him was still worth trying to learn more about.
“... you’re too damn trusting…” he mumbled, words failing him. “I don’t understand you…”
He’d said it multiple times before, and the more he thought he knew Caspian, the more he was still surprised by him. He thought he knew Caspian pretty well at this point, at least how he acted and how stubborn he was, but whatever possessed him to think that Michael was worth his time was still beyond him.
No matter what Caspian said, he couldn’t get that concept through his head; that maybe there was something about him that Caspian saw that he didn’t even recognize in himself. —————— Caspian fiddled with the sleeve of the sweatshirt, tugging at yet another stray thread (at this rate, he’d likely unravel the thing if he wasn’t careful). “Don’t sound like that,” he mumbled. “I’m happy you stayed, even if I thought otherwise. Now it just makes me feel better, knowing you were there all along. Even when you thought I was a pain in the a**, you still stayed.”
He stopped messing with the string and wrapped his arm around his legs again, still bent up so that they were pressed against his chest, Caspian wedged between the desk and his chair. He closed his eyes against the sound of Michael’s voice, and then opened them again, head tilted so that the phone was pressed between his ear and knee, his other arm going around his legs as well.
“I’m only trusting when it matters,” he said, after a moment’s silence, Caspian’s lips curving up into a small smile. “Y’know, at the start, I kind of just wanted to needle you. You were so…serious all the time. I just thought it would be fun to see if I could make you smile sometimes.”
He felt his cheeks flush a little, but the smile remained.
“Now it’s just...a part of who I am. I want to make you smile all the time.”
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:08 pm
“I still think you’re a pain in the a**,” Michael corrected, although his voice was warm behind the deadpan comment. “You’re frustrating and impossible and reckless and way too stubborn,” he added, opening his eyes to stare back up at the ceiling, because there was nothing better to stare at. His chest felt tight, but also warm, and he was sorely tempted to leave his house right then to go to see Caspian.
But he knew he shouldn’t, despite wanting to see him.
It wasn’t surprising to hear that Caspian just wanted to mess with him at first, to purposefully antagonize him as if to try and get him to be something other than grumpy and serious. He wasn’t entirely sure when that started to change, but it slowly had. Michael could not pinpoint when he actually started smiling, although he definitely remembered whenever Caspian pointed it out to him.
“I’ll always stay,” he promised, his fingers clenching into a fist, his voice soft with determination. “Because even if you’re frustrating and stubborn and a pain in the a**, you’re also… too good to me… you’re wonderful, Cas… and I want you to smile all the time, too.”
Whatever had clicked between them, even if they hadn’t realized it at the time, might have been the best thing that could have happened to them. Or at least to Michael, because he didn’t think he would feel as though he had a chance at living again had it not been for Caspian’s constant, almost overwhelming kindness.
“Besides,” he added, just as softly, but there was the makings of a smile in his voice. “You’re my pain in the a**.” —————— He could hear the warmth in Michael’s voice, Caspian biting his lip to try and fight off the smile that kept threatening, but he found it next to impossible. Even in his attempts at scolding, Michael was affectionate, and it was this, more than anything, that Caspian found outrageously endearing on a level he couldn’t quite explain.
“Don’t forget ’universally charming,’ “ Caspian said lightly, his chair squeaking slightly as he rocked in it, the wheels of it sticking in the carpeting. “That’s my best trait, I think.”
I’ll always stay.
He still couldn’t help blushing furiously at this, Caspian dropping his head and pressing his face into his arms, as though somehow he’d be able to hide the redness of his cheeks through a phone call. He took a deep breath and then lifted his head again, his hand going to hold the phone once more to keep it from falling.
“Good,” he said softly, “Because I want you to stay.”
For as long as I can possibly have you.
He didn’t say it, but it was there, the words alive between them. Caspian grinned into the phone, the smile evident in his voice as he said, “Well, if I’m your pain in the a**, then you’re my grumpypants. That’s what I told Olga, anyway, a few weeks ago.”
Longer, he realized, thinking on it. He’d told Olga that back before he and Michael had even started dating.—————— ”I think you’re pushing it with ‘universally charming,’” Michael said with a small snort of amusement. “Let’s be realistic now.” There was a pause, and then Michael added, “Charming maybe in a… devil-may-care kind of way.”
He liked Caspian, which was already strange for someone like him, who didn’t try to put effort into anything, especially when it came to forming relationships with anyone, but no matter what he tried to do, Caspian was constantly reminding him exactly why he liked him so much. And why he loved him.
“‘Grumpypants??’” he sputtered and laughed at the apparent nickname he’d been given. “What, are you saying I’m difficult to deal with or something? Always frowning and complaining about something?” he said with a small grin, not thinking it was the worst thing he could be called. It was better than other terms of endearment that he didn’t think fit him very well. ‘Grumpypants’ was probably the best he’d heard. Accurate.
“Alright, well… I’ll give you that one,” he forced a sigh, and then glanced over to the clock beside the bed. “You know it’s getting late, right…? I’m not keeping you up, am I?” He knew that Caspian had been working on an assignment and he didn’t want to keep him from finishing that, but it was also somewhat difficult to say goodbye, even if it was only temporary.
Michael wondered if he should worry that he was becoming so dependent on Caspian being there.
“Hey,” he said after a pause. “You are incredibly charming. I don’t want you to think that I think otherwise,” he amended from his previous statement. “I like your smile. It… doesn’t seem as sad as it used to look…” —————— ”No, no, I definitely think charming is exactly the right word,” Caspian deadpanned. “Along with totally intelligent and sparkling wit and all that stuff.”
He liked hearing everything that Michael had to say, Caspian finally easing himself out of his chair. He unfolded his legs and padded over to the bed, sinking down onto the covers and deciding that homework was going to have to wait; he couldn’t concentrate well enough on it, not when his head was all fuzzy and his heart wasn’t really in it anyway tonight. Besides, it wasn’t due for a few more days; he had time, Caspian curling up on his side with a pillow stuffed in his arms.
“Well, Olga told me that she had her own Grumpypants,” he informed Michael. “And I told her I had one too, and then we swapped stories, except I didn’t tell her who you were back then, she figured it out at the hospital, though.”
He shook his head, remembered Michael couldn’t see movement, and said, “Nah, I’ll finish my paper tomorrow, I couldn’t concentrate. I’m too tired and s**t. You’re not keeping me up, you’re just keeping me thinking of other things.”
Michael’s voice wafted towards him, warm and sweet. Caspian closed his eyes against the sound of it, hugging the pillow in his arms and burying his face in it briefly.
“I like your smile a lot,” he mumbled, stupidly pleased. “And you make me happy, that’s why I smile more.”—————— “I didn’t realize you knew Olga before that night,” Michael said in slight surprise, tactfully avoiding anything that may or may not contradict all the exceptional things Caspian claimed about himself. Of course, Caspian knew that Michael thought he was witty and intelligent and charming, but just like Peter, he tended to exaggerate on occasion. It was entirely endearing, and Michael couldn’t help but smile with affection.
“Peter met her before she met me. Apparently he told her I had a sailboat and she wanted to learn. I ended up giving her a few lessons so she would be prepared when she went to her planet,” he explained, shaking his head at the fact that his brother so easily gave away his identity to someone else. Well, sort of. Michael told her he was Sessrumnir, himself.
“So you were talking about me behind my back, huh? I hope you weren’t too harsh,” he half joked, knowing that even if Caspian had said some not so nice things about him, it wasn’t as though he wouldn’t be telling the truth. “I’m guessing you guys met powered, huh? Thanks for not telling her… Believe it or not, not many people know who I am,” he admitted. Aside from those in his family who were also powered, there were very few who knew Sessrumnir was Michael, and vice versa.
“And I hope you’re being careful about telling people who you are, too. If you are telling anyone. I would probably advise against it,” he said with a sigh, knowing Caspian would do what he wanted, regardless. Probably.
“I don’t want you to be in more danger than you already are, Cas. You make me happy. You’re why I don’t feel like s**t all the time any more. You know what I was like… it wasn’t pretty,” he mumbled, frowning guiltily even though he could hear the smile in Caspian’s voice. He couldn’t help it sometimes. There were still so many things that could go wrong. They’d both almost died… It could get a lot worse. —————— “Oh,” said Caspian, smiling a little. “I didn’t actually know her as Olga until she came to the hospital, we met a little while ago as Sedna and Remus. We got stuck in an abandoned mall and there were these creepy mannequin youma, and yeah, we sorta bonded really fast over that.”
He gave a little shudder. Being chased by a mannequin was bad enough as it was, and certainly would result in becoming friends with whoever was running with you. Caspian grinned, the half indignation in Michael’s voice amusing him.
“Just that you were a grumpypants,” he teased, “But nah, I wouldn’t tell anyone who you were unless there were like, you know, extenuating circumstances and s**t.”
He had zero desire to compromise anything in Michael’s life, especially now, after everything that had happened. The last thing that Caspian wanted was for something to happen to him, his fingers absently smoothing along the pillow in his arms, his eyelids feeling heavier than he wanted them to be.
Something in his expression softened, however, at the tone of Michael’s voice.
“I’ll be better,” Caspian said quietly. “I promise, Michael. I won’t do as much reckless s**t or anything, I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ve only been patrolling with you, and I told Peter I’d go with him too, and I can probably hit up Sedna for more patrolling, so I won’t be alone.”
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:12 pm
He couldn’t help but feel a little like a controlling a*****e when Caspian agreed so easily, although he could feel his chest tighten, and he was glad Caspian was agreeing to be more careful about things, but at the same time, what did that say about him?
“Don’t… please don’t think I… that I don’t trust you and your abilities, Cas,” he quickly said, frowning a little in concern and knowing how important it was for any senshi or knight to know that they can handle things on their own. It was dangerous, yes… but it also wasn’t good to always think that relying on someone else to be there was the only way any of them would be able to handle anything.
“I’ve seen you fight. You’ll only get better at controlling your magic and using it to your advantage. I… I don’t know, I don’t want you to think that you have to have me there. As much as I would like to be there. I don’t want you doubting yourself,” he tried to explain, hearing the softness in Caspian’s voice and knowing that he was taking what Michael had said to heart, and yet…
There might be a day that Michael wouldn’t be there to help him, or anyone else… and he would have to fight on his own. Michael wanted him to be prepared for that too, as terrifying as it was to think of Caspian out fighting youma and Negaverse officers on his own, especially with how many close calls he’d already had.
Of course, he also knew he was probably needlessly worrying, and only making it worse with each word out of his mouth. —————— There was a few seconds of silence, Caspian listening to what Michael was saying, his heartbeat slow in his chest. He had no doubts about Michael’s intentions - and maybe that was why it seemed to weigh on him as much as it did, a heavy warmth in his chest, a feeling of mingled reassurance and encouragement even if the tone of Michael’s voice suggested concern.
“I know, Michael,” said Caspian softly, his fingers still idly moving up and down his pillow. “I know you’re just looking out for me. I’m not...I mean, I am doing it because of you, and for you. But I’m also doing it for me too.”
He closed his eyes, visions of bloody deaths searing across his mind; of ripped starseeds and fallen bodies and cruel, vicious laughter in his ears. It wasn’t something so easily forgotten; Caspian relived his nightmares on a nightly basis, almost, and he couldn’t simply brush it aside and pretend that it hadn’t happen, even if a part of him wanted to do just that.
“I can’t die,” said Caspian simply. “I mean...I can. But I don’t want to, not when I’m just starting...this with you. Not when I don’t want anything to happen to me so I can be with you longer.”
He wondered if it made sense at all, Caspian’s eyes still closed as he rolled onto his back.
“I worry about you too, you know. It’s what boyfriends do.”—————— Michael drew his legs up as Caspian spoke, resting one arm over his knees, and the elbow of his other arm across the other so he could curl up on himself a bit, resting his chin on his folded arms. He could hear the soft understanding in Caspian’s voice, and once more he couldn’t understand how he’d stumbled across this… wonderful young man who said all the right things and gave him the space he needed and the patience he didn’t realize he needed.
“I love you, Cas,” he said suddenly, his voice soft, barely above a whisper. He didn’t think he would be one to say it as often as he had already, but there were times he couldn’t help it. Times that Caspian just opened his heart to the point where he couldn’t resist saying it outloud, even though he knew Caspian already knew how he felt.
“I know you worry, and I promise to be careful, too,” he said after clearing his throat and the emotions that were building. “I can’t die, either… not when I finally want to live again…” It wasn’t something he often admitted. Maybe only to Marissa and Peter under duress, but he’d said it a handful of times to Caspian, as if wanting him to know that he was serious.
There was a long pause where he drew in a breath to settle himself again, wondering why their light hearted conversations had to always turn out heavy like this. Probably due to his own inability to keep things light. He was the one who broached the subject of what Caspian was thinking when he called him, after all.
“You’re a good boyfriend. At least I think so. You’re the first I’ve had,” he said with a small, forced laugh. “I don’t know what I’d do without you… kind of sad, huh?” —————— Caspian’s eyes traced the little flickers of light his mobile made across the darkened ceiling, shadows stretching out across the plastic stars that he’d put up the night before. Michael’s voice was so incredibly soft in his ears, and so full of warmth and adoration that it almost hurt, Caspian’s chest aching with the feeling of it, of Michael in his life.
Not when I finally wanted to live again.
Was that what the drugs were for? Caspian wanted to ask, but he didn’t, his eyes falling momentarily shut.
“I love you,” he said quietly. “And you’re the first boyfriend I’ve had too, I don’t know where I’d be without you, Michael. It’s not sad, it’s just...it’s what it is. It’s...us. Together.”
Something he’d never thought would happen, Caspian basking in the sweetness of it, in the taste of this relationship. He rolled over onto his stomach, burying his face in his pillows, his face red and his arms wrapped around his head, the phone nestled against his cheek.
“I love you and your grumpypants self,” he mumbled. “You’re good for me.”—————— “I’m good for you as in… if I wasn’t distracting you, you’d probably be out on the street, spray painting walls and skateboarding around in restricted areas just for fun?” he deadpanned, but was at least trying to bring back some of the light hearted teasing from before.
“Not that I’m the best influence. I believe I just told you not to get caught, not that you shouldn’t be… what was it? Having ‘just a bit of fun’? Something about how the city needs a good time?” he asked, not quite smiling, but his lips twitched as he recalled first meeting Caspian that apparently fateful night.
“My grumpypants self was kind of a jerk to you that first time we met, huh?” he recalled, his small smile shifting into something of a grimace. “Sometimes I wonder how many times I’ve passed you and just never bothered to notice. “Actually, I was kind of a jerk to you for quite a while… still kind of am a jerk,” he groaned, wondering just how close he really was to actually pushing Caspian away from him.
He would have lost one of the most important people in his life; someone he didn’t even realize was so important until it would have been too late.
“I don’t know how you do it. Put up with me, I mean. You’ve gotta be tired of me saying that,” he frowned and shook his head from where it rested against his arms over his knees. Apparently he was in a talkative mood, since he had yet to shut up. “I’m glad it’s… us… That you gave me a chance that I still don’t think I deserve. If I’m good for you, you’re good for me.” —————— Laughter rang out over the phone, Caspian unable to stop it.
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’d be doing,” he said teasingly, muffling the sound of his voice with the pillow he was still holding, just so Cassie wouldn’t hear him and stick her nose in the door. He pressed his face into it and exhaled a long breath, sounding amused as he added, “You’re a great influence, even if you were grumpier when we first met. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here now.”
There was a pause, and then Caspian said, “Actually, I’m pretty sure I would be anyway. I’m just sort of...stuck on you, sorry mister.”
He shook his head, still smiling. “You’re not a jerk - at least not to me,” said Caspian lightly. “I mean, you could still be a jerk to the Negaverse, I’m sure all of us would be completely fine with that. They don’t deserve your nice side anyway.”
Caspian’s fingers smoothed idly along the pillow, then over the blankets beneath him.
“I don’t mind you saying it, because I don’t mind telling you that it’s not just ‘putting up’ with you,” said Caspian softly. “How many times have I asked you if you’re sure about me? Or whether or not you think you’d rather be with someone else or whatever? I need the reassurance just as much as you, I think, and I’m okay with that.”
His expression softened.
“I like hearing you talk, anyway.”
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:17 pm
“My nice side,” Michael repeated, almost incredulously. If he didn’t already recognize the change in his mood from the time he met Caspian to now, he might not have believed that he had a nice side. “Well, the Negaverse has a whole bunch of issues, so no, they probably won’t be seeing my mysterious nice side,” he agreed, smiling if only because he very much enjoyed Caspian’s laughter, pure and crisp like a bell.
The idea that he was stuck with Caspian was… nicer than it probably should have been. He liked the idea that he would be with him for a long time, and if Michael had it his way, it would be forever, because he couldn’t imagine his life without Caspian. He needed his warmth and patience and reassurance, just as he was giving it now.
“You know me better than I know myself, I think,” he said, unable to stop himself. It probably helped that Caspian was once again encouraging him to talk, when before, with anyone else, he knew there was only so much he could say before they were offended or tired of him and his less than agreeable personality. Caspian was different, and had always been different. No matter how hard Michael pushed him away, Caspian fought harder to stay. Why, he would probably never truly know, but he needed it more than he realized at the time.
“True,” he agreed, settling a little more when Caspian pointed out all the things they needed reassurance about. “Just so you know…” he continued, although his voice was soft and a bit more playful now. “I do want you more than anyone. I don’t want to be with anyone else. And I’m so sure about wanting to be with you that… I don’t know what I’d do, but I wouldn’t give you up for anything.” —————— ”Everyone has different sides to them,” said Caspian reasonably. “You have your nice side, your grumpy kickass side when you’re dealing with the Negaverse, and then your quieter, more private side that I like to think is just for me.”
He was blushing as he said it, but there was warmth in his voice as he added, “I like having that side all to myself.”
It was a precious thing, Michael’s affection and his love. Caspian wanted to keep it in a jar and make sure that it was never tainted or destroyed; something unbreakable and sweet that he could have for as long as he was able to - and a part of Caspian that was still a little afraid of admitting it, knew that he wanted Michael and his love for a very, very long time. Maybe even forever, however overwhelming and dizzying a concept that was.
Caspian rubbed at his eyes with one hand.
“I know who you are, Michael,” he said softly. “That’s all that matters.”
Michael knew him better than he knew himself, Caspian thought. And maybe that was the point of all good relationships - that each person knew one another best.
He felt the heat sweep across his face, Caspian pressing his hand against it, uselessly hiding his expression from view, since no one was there to see it.
“Jeez,” he said finally, his voice trembling ever so slightly, “Sometimes I just...love you all over again, all at once.”
There was silence, and then -
“I only want you,” mumbled Caspian. “Just you.”—————— Michael snorted softly in amusement at Caspian’s assessment of him and his different sides, although he knew Caspian was right, and his expression softened significantly, hearing the shift in Caspian’s voice to something warm and adoring, no matter how much Michael doubted deserving it.
“Well, I have told you more about myself than anyone else,” he admitted, although he could hear the guilt in his own voice. There was still a lot that Caspian didn’t know about him, and a lot of stuff he was sure he didn’t know about Caspian, and he knew other people were probably wanting to know more about him too, like Peter.
“It’s not as though I go around reciting poetry to just anyone,” he half joked, his voice light but still soft. “Or talk about the possibility of going back to school with anyone else. Although, no one but you has really asked me what I wanted to do with my life, so I guess it’s only fair.”
He knew it wasn’t his family’s fault. After everything had happened and he chose to leave the Navy, his father did try to get him help, but no one could really help him when all he told them was what they wanted to hear, and not the truth. Michael didn’t blame his family for that; only himself.
And now Caspian was in his life. That small, unsuspecting light that shone through the darkness. Maybe not as bright as the lights around it, but still shone pure and gentle.
Caspian had been hurt in the past, too. He’d been shoved aside, was made fun of, laughed at, had his trust and hope broken so that the light he’d once been was struggling to stay lit amidst the cruel, unaccepting world.
But somehow, even after all that, Caspian was still willing to shine for him, Michael of all people, and now he wanted nothing more than to protect that small flame; a tiny, flickering star in the night.
“I like having a side of you all to myself, too,” he said softly, although he smiled as he said it. “The side that can’t find anything sarcastic to say and sometimes stumbles over words, and isn’t trying so hard to not let any emotions slip through. Like when you blush and cry and say things like ‘I only want you.’ ”
Michael pulled back from where he rested his head on his arms, shifting so he could rest his back against the headboard again, staring once more at the ceiling and wishing it was the mobile of stars he was looking at instead. His heart was beating too fast in his chest, and he could definitely understand how Caspian felt about loving him all over again.
There was a pause as Michael debated with himself on whether he should just keep his mouth shut, and then quietly mumbled, “You know… I think if you weren’t so… open with me... With your emotions and what you think and feel… I don’t know if it would have been possible for me to open up about myself…”
Caspian might have already realized that, of course… usually Michael was more apt to reveal something hidden about himself when Caspian did so, first. It had nothing to do with trusting Caspian, and everything to do with Michael’s own insecurities, but it still sucked that he wasn’t able to just tell Caspian everything all at once. Then again, it might be too overwhelming. —————— A smile tugged at Caspian’s lips.
“You recited poetry to me the day we went to the boat,” he mumbled, feeling the memory of it wash over him. “I didn’t even know that I liked you yet, but here you were, this...tall, strong, muscular dude, and you let me lean on you and you recited poetry and it was…it was wonderful.”
If he closed his eyes, he could still see it; Michael with one hand on the wheel, the other on the armrest between the. Caspian, leaning boldly with his head against Michael’s arm. He had wanted the nearness even then, had wanted the closeness and the feel of Michael beside him. It had been something new, something he’d never experienced before, and even before they’d started realizing things, Caspian had wanted more.
Heat was burning across Caspian’s face now, his mouth opening and then shutting again.
“I don’t - “ he spluttered, and then pressed his hand to his face, muffling his voice, his heart beating very fast in his chest, because what was he supposed to say to something like that? Michael was too capable of scattering his thoughts, and Caspian rolled over onto his stomach again, burrowing into the blankets.
After a moment, he said quietly, voice a little muffled, “That side of me is all yours.”
The real side of him, the side that didn’t need to hide or to pretend he was someone else. For too long, Caspian had pushed everything aside so that he wouldn’t have to worry about it; and now it was all out in the open, everything, for Michael to see. It felt overwhelming and daunting; Michael knew about things that no one else did - but besides that, it was also liberating because he knew Michael wouldn’t be like the others.
Michael had painted his damn nails for him; that alone meant something.
Caspian rolled back onto his side so his voice was clearer.
“I think I somehow instinctively felt like I could trust that with you,” he mumbled. “That it would be okay to let myself open up to you because you wouldn’t let me down, no matter how many times you told me that you would. You haven’t, Michael, at all. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”—————— “I guess that’s my go to when I run out of things to talk about,” Michael hummed after a quiet laugh, shaking his head at himself as he stared up at the ceiling. “It’s easier to just recite things than force myself to talk for the sake of talking,” he tried to explain, although he was sure Caspian already knew that. Caspian knew a lot about him, knew how he behaved, knew why he did the things he did. It was a little overwhelming, knowing that someone was so in tune with who he was.
I know who you are, Caspian had said, and while it scared Michael to know that Caspian would probably sooner than later find out even the darker parts of his life, it was also such a huge relief to know that Caspian was still there for him. At least for now.
Michael lifted his free hand to rub at his chest, which had tightened from both the warmth and fondness he felt for Caspian, and also the dread of Caspian learning more about him.
“All of you is mine, Cas,” he softly corrected him. He knew Caspian wasn’t dismissing that he was, but rather said it as a gentle reminder of their promises they’d made to each other, away from prying ears and eyes, when it was just the two of them, soaking in the warmth and comfort they provided one another.
“But I do like having that side of you exclusively for myself,” he added, and then let out another quiet laugh. “You know I can hear you blushing. Don’t even try to deny it. Your voice gets softer and more strained, like you’re having trouble deciding what to say,” he half teased, but also wanted to prove to Caspian just how closely he was paying attention to him and little details like that. Maybe it was weird.
Now it was his turn to open and close his mouth, suddenly at a loss for how to respond.
“You’re too trusting,” he finally said, his voice still soft, but a little more wary, if only because how Caspian could have possibly known he could trust him, a complete stranger at the time, and a jerk, and someone who tried to push Caspian away from him.
“Give it time,” he mumbled before he could stop himself, and then immediately grimaced. “I don’t want to let you down, I just…” he tried amending, and eventually shook his head. “I’ll do my best to make sure you don’t have to figure out what you’d do without me, okay?”
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:18 pm
”For the record,” said Caspian, “I like the poetry. It’s kinda hot.”
A lot hot, actually, but he couldn’t say that, Caspian already fighting a grin. He had thought the poetry was pretty attractive from the start, even if his head hadn’t really wrapped itself around the reason why yet. But something about hearing the soft, lyrical words coming from that rough, quiet voice had been almost mesmerizing in a way that Caspian hadn’t expected. He liked the fact that Michael Gallo - former Navy, strong, sharp minded, and full of a power Caspian could never hope to acquire - had a sweeter, gentler side that only he got to see.
All of you is mine, Cas.
Something hot swept across Caspian’s entire body. He felt the blush with the entirety of himself, Caspian burying his face into his pillow again, the phone held tightly against his ear.
“...that’s right,” he mumbled. “All of me is yours.”
Heart, mind, body, soul. Wasn’t that what he’d said, in the quiet confines of their own personal time? Promises made without the need to have anyone else there, whispered words and fervent reminders. The little details that Michael noticed about him made Caspian’s stomach flutter, made his heart beat madly in his chest, and maybe it was a good thing he was on the phone and not in person, because then Michael wouldn’t be able to see just how hard he was blushing.
“I’m only trusting when it’s you,” Caspian said, which was mostly true. Sort of. He wanted to believe the best in people, even if the world had taught him otherwise. “I trust you completely.”
Which was not just mostly true, but all true. In fact, there was no one that Caspian trusted more than Michael.
“And you won’t let me down,” he added. “Because I won’t let you go anywhere.”—————— Michael wasn’t entirely sure if Caspian was being serious about the poetry. He’d expected him to say that he liked it since he’d said something similar before, but reciting poetry being hot was a new concept for Michael, and he frowned thoughtfully, hearing the makings of amusement in Caspian’s voice.
Well, that was good to know at least; that Caspian liked the poetry. He couldn’t imagine him saying something like that just to indulge him, so he was inclined to believe him. Still, he was always careful about not overdoing it.
“You’re super trusting,” he pointed out, although he could hear the muffled words from Caspian, and Michael could only wonder what he was doing. It did bother him that Caspian probably would trust just about anyone, especially if they were nice to him, even after everything he’d been through. That was just who Caspian was; resilient and carefree and too damn trusting. It was also something that Michael admired about him.
“Alright, that sounds fair,” he agreed, drawing in a small breath and holding it for a moment. “I won’t go anywhere, and you’re mine, so you won’t go anywhere either,” he said with a small nod. There was a pause and then he added, “I’m yours too. No one else but you.”
He knew it was something Caspian struggled with and needed reassurance about, which Michael was more than happy to provide, even though there really wasn’t anyone else. There hadn’t been anyone else. Not really. No one that he was able to open his heart to.
“You’re going to be exhausted tomorrow,” he said softly, not wanting to get off the phone, but knew they had to at some point, otherwise they would just talk all night. “I wish I could kiss you.” —————— He knew Michael’s concern lay in the idea of him being overly trusting enough to get into more trouble - which, considering that it had happened once or twice already before, wasn’t really that far out of the question. Caspian eased out a breath, spreading his fingers out along the pillow and feeling the softness of it beneath his palm, the downy feathers under the cotton.
“I’ll be more careful, I promise,” he said, and then blushed furiously even more, because just when he thought he had things under control, Michael had to go and be sweetly romantic all over again.
You are mine and I am yours.
The reassurance was a balm to his heart, warm, achingly tender, and entirely needed. Caspian closed his eyes to the sound of it, the reminder, to the knowledge that this man he was listening to was his boyfriend, and his steadiness, and his foundation to stand on and walk beside.
Caspian did not want to get off the phone either, but there was a chance he would keep talking about nonsense just to hear Michael’s voice, even though he could feel how heavy his eyes already were. He rubbed at one of them with his free hand, hardly able to stifle a yawn, in spite of all of his attempts to act like he wasn’t at all tired.
“...next time,” Caspian mumbled, running his fingers lightly along his mouth and trying not to feel stupid about wishing it were Michael instead. “Next time you’ll just owe me more kisses to make up for it.”—————— “I know you’ll be careful,” he said, finally lowering his eyes from the ceiling as they reluctantly tried to wind down their conversation. He knew they were both exhausted, and Caspian was probably worse off because he was still having trouble sleeping almost every night.
“I don’t doubt you, Cas. I trust you, too,” he tried to reassure him, not wanting Caspian to think that it was just a one way thing. He really did trust Caspian, he just… wished he wasn’t so reckless. And he trusted him to be too trusting…
“Next time there will be so many kisses you’ll tell me to stop,” he softly teased, reminiscent of past conversations they’d had. “You’ll get sick of how much I kiss you.” He knew that wouldn’t be the case, but he could still joke about it. He liked the idea of making it up to him, though.
“Go to sleep, Cas. Call me if you have another nightmare, okay? You know I don’t care how late,” he promised, shifting the phone against his ear so he could hear Caspian’s voice better as it grew quieter with exhaustion.
“I love you.” —————— He wanted to cling to the phone; to hold onto what Michael was saying and keep talking to him, except that Caspian’s eyelids were already starting to feel heavy, and he was starting to drift into that place between sleep and awake. Caspian held the phone more securely against his face and tried to ignore the rapid beating of his heart, even with how exhausted he was - though this was mostly unsuccessful.
“A million kisses,” Caspian mumbled sleepily. “A million and one.”
He liked the thought of that. He liked less the thought of having to hang up and the possibility of more nightmares, but there was no helping that, not when they both needed to at least try and sleep. Another yawn escaped him, and Caspian felt the warmth of Michael’s words seep directly into his heart and mind like it had been a part of them all along.
“I love you, Michael.”
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