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 Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:39 am
End of August 2016
Michael wasn’t entirely sure how well Caspian slept, but if it was anything like him, it wasn’t well. He kept waking every few hours to get up and check to make sure whether or not Caspian’s fever seemed to be getting worse or not, went to re-wet the washcloth to wipe the sweat from the fever from Caspian’s forehead and neck, and tried to make sure it stayed on at least part of his forehead since he seemed to prefer sleeping on his stomach that night.
Whether Caspian was awake for any of it, he wasn’t sure, and if Caspian had been awake, Michael wouldn’t expect him to remember much, especially since he was probably exhausted.
Not having any clothing to really wear was a little awkward, too. Eventually Michael’s underwear dried enough to where he could pull them back on without feeling too gross about the dampness. It was a little less questionable than walking around in just a towel, at least. As for the question as to what he wore; he preferred dark colored boxer briefs, thank you very much.
It wasn’t as though he didn’t try to sleep. The floor wasn’t as comfortable as the bed, but he wanted Caspian to feel as comfortable as possible without having to question Michael’s intentions. There was a part of him that wondered if Caspian was bothered by the fact that it was probably very obvious that Michael wanted more out of this almost fragile friendship they had, but there was also a part of Michael that was surprisingly okay with just wanting more in terms of emotional support instead of physical. Not that he would argue, just… unlike in other instances, it wasn’t a priority. And Caspian was young and he seemed a bit anxious about things already and Michael definitely didn’t want to scare him away, not when he was starting to become dependent on him.
If anything, Michael didn’t want Caspian to think that he expected anything from him, other than just… being Caspian. Even though it surprised Michael that he was okay with that, he liked the idea of not rushing into things that might ruin everything. And he didn’t want to ruin anything.
Each time he’d finished fussing over making sure Caspian was still covered with the blankets and had a fresh washcloth against his forehead and temple, Michael lied back down on the floor to clasp his hand around Caspian’s wrist, leaning his own hand against the bed so it wouldn’t fall away unintentionally. And that was how he dozed now, with his fingers slack but still around the arm Caspian had over the edge of the bed, wearing only his hoodie and still semi-damp underwear under the blanket he’d taken from the closet. —————— Caspian did not have a decent night’s sleep, either. He faded in and out of a fitful doze, feeling feverish and hot and uncomfortable, tossing and turning until he was at least somewhat better position. Sometime around five or six in the morning, his fever finally broke, and Caspian settled into a much more fulfilling sleep, breathing slow, deep and even, the cloth on the back of his neck easing his skin a little cooler. He wasn’t entirely aware of Michael’s continued assistance, only that every so often, he felt gentle fingers against his brow, trailing down his neck.
When he finally blinked back into consciousness, hours later, Caspian felt exhausted and sleepy. His lashes felt heavy, his limbs even more so, but at least the fogginess in his brain was less so than it had been the day before. He still didn’t feel entirely well, but his senses were less dulled and the terrible, wracking heat that had plagued him all yesterday had abated to a light warmth.
Caspian shifted and discovered his arm was over the side of the bed, hanging down. There were fingers tangled around his own, and he inched over to look, sluggishly and quietly sliding across the sheets.
Michael was there, of course. Michael had promised him to stay, and here he was, lying asleep beside the bed. He was wearing his sweatshirt, but the blanket around his waist was gone, and Caspian felt his eyes widen a little, his lips parting in shock.
He shouldn’t stare - he shouldn’t, but it was hard not to, not when Michael looked the way he did. Caspian’s gaze traced the well-defined legs, the sliver of bare stomach revealed by the sweatshirt riding up a little, and felt a little dizzy at the sight. It was hard not to compare the two of them, but he couldn’t help himself - Michael was unbelievably, incredibly attractive, and -
-and he was okay with Caspian, looking the way he did. It seemed impossible and yet…
Caspian tugged on Michael’s fingers.
“Michael.”—————— It took just a few moments for Michael to realize that he wasn’t still dozing and hearing the sound of Caspian’s voice saying his name in his head, but that he actually was trying to get his attention. It had been a long night and it hadn’t been until just a few hours ago that he was fairly confident that Caspian’s fever had lowered back down, so Michael was still rather exhausted, but it had been his own choice to stay awake.
His eyes opened slowly, blinking a few times up at the ceiling where the star mobile hung, before realizing that his fingers were being tugged on. Turning his head, he looked up to meet Caspian’s tired blue eyes, although it was immediate relief he felt upon seeing him awake.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked, his voice a bit rough from being half asleep still. “Do you need anything?” he added, prepared to get up immediately should that be the case. The floor wasn’t the most comfortable thing, despite having slept on it beside Caspian as he slept on a bed, before. Last time, it just happened to be at his own house.
Michael couldn’t quite cover up a wince as he pushed himself up a little to try and stretch, feeling sore and overly tired. He would be looking to get some coffee if he planned on staying awake for the rest of the day. But that was to worry about later. For now, he was more concerned that Caspian might still not be feeling well. —————— He thought, upon seeing Michael wake, that he could get used to this. That he could grow familiar with the feeling and the warmth of Michael waking up beside him, even if at present he was on the floor and Caspian was on the bed. The idea of getting to wake up and see Michael beside him was a wonderful, exhilarating, terrifying thing that he felt constricting his heart and spinning around in his head.
“I’m okay,” Caspian said. “A little hazy. Tired. But not as hot as yesterday and I feel a bit better today.”
His voice was slightly hoarse, and his face was still a little flushed, but Caspian had managed to lose some of the haziness of the day before. He saw the wince on Michael’s face and his own fingers tightened a little, sliding them through his, Caspian’s gaze flickering somewhat as he watched.
I wonder what it would have been like if I had given up after that first night in the boxcar. If I had walked away then.
I would have never felt this way.
Caspian’s grasp firmed on Michael’s again.
“Yes,” he said quietly. “I need something.”
He hadn’t risen from the bed himself, Caspian’s eyes moving to Michael’s.
“You.”—————— Michael could feel Caspian’s fingers sliding through his, and he let him, gripping back gently as he tried to rub at his shoulder with his other hand. Caspian’s grasp tightened, and Michael looked up at him, almost with exasperation since Caspian had only just started getting over being sick.
“I’m right here,” he said, purposefully avoidant of what he knew Caspian probably meant, trying to ignore look in Caspian’s eyes, and the flush on his face, and the way his lips were just barely parted with the words that left his mouth, and the way he looked, comfortable on the bed, and the way his hair fell across his forehead and…
He knew he should pull his hand away before he got drawn into his own desires, reminding himself again that Caspian needed to rest and not get worked up, lest he get sick again.
“Are you hungry?” he tried a distraction, his voice still coming out a little hoarse, especially with the rapid beating of his heart now in his throat. “I can make you toast or… some soup would probably be good,” he offered, pulling his eyes away from Caspian a bit shamefully, because he wanted nothing more than to kiss him and touch his face and… too much more... —————— He knew the avoidance was purposeful; that Michael had deliberately misunderstood him, for whatever reason. Caspian suspected it had to do with the fact that he was still sick, which wasn’t helpful in the slightest to how much he wanted not to be sick. His fever had broken, he could feel this; and though everything ached and he still felt a little underwater, his senses were, in his mind, better than what they had been the day before.
Whether or not he was actually thinking clearly remained to be seen.
“No,” said Caspian, and he had pushed himself up into a sitting position, though his eyes hadn’t left Michael’s. He shifted, pushing his legs over the side of the bed, and his hand remained in Michael’s, fingers looped together. “I don’t want toast. Or soup.”
He didn’t even want everything from Michael, he knew that. He just wanted…
Caspian eased himself slowly off of the bed, moving until he could slide one leg over Michael’s and kneel above him like he had before, when he’d first kissed him. Caspian let go of Michael’s hand and settled himself into his lap facing him, his face flushed and his eyes half-lidded as he lifted a hand to curl in the neckline of the sweatshirt. His legs were bent beneath him, bracketing Michael’s hips, Caspian tugging on the sweatshirt to get Michael to lean closer.
“No food,” he murmured. “I don’t want food.”
Maybe his fever hadn’t broken after all. Maybe it was making him do stupid things, he couldn’t quite tell anymore.
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:41 am
Michael’s eyes widened in surprise when Caspian went as far as to climb out of bed and into his lap as he sat there in just his sweatshirt and underwear. He could feel his whole body go rigid from tension, his heart pounding in his chest, his lungs not being able to draw in enough air.
Heat rose in his cheeks, and any protest he could try to make was probably a pointless effort. It was no secret that he wanted Caspian, but whether it was a good idea or not to indulge him, and himself, was yet to be seen.
“You should be resting,” he said softly, still rather stiff as he was pulled closer, his lips now barely brushing against Caspian’s. He could feel the heat of Caspian’s breath on his own face, and his hands moved to rest against Caspian’s thighs, his fingers pressing lightly into the lean muscle.
“Aren’t you tired? You should try to sleep some more, Cas,” he tried, if only to distract himself as well. He was trying to be responsible here! He was there to keep Caspian healthy and safe, and wanting to kiss him and touch him and do any number of things to and with him wasn’t going to help Caspian get any better, health-wise.
“Cas…” he said softly, on a more serious note, still refusing to move the extra centimeter to actually kiss him. “I won’t be able to stop myself… I want to, but…” —————— He knew Michael was right; he should be resting, but Caspian did not want to rest. He wanted to feel the gentle hands that now slid across his thighs, sending shivers up and down his spine. He wanted to be close to Michael, closer than he was with anyone else, because Michael drew things out of Caspian that no one else had ever seen or known before, including Caspian himself. He wanted a great deal more than was strictly reasonable at the present moment.
“This is a form of resting,” Caspian murmured, his breath catching in his throat as Michael’s lips brushed his, the barest of touches. He swallowed hard, his eyes still half-lidded, lashes lowered as he slid his own hands lower, drawing them down Michael’s chest and then back up again so that he could press them against either side of Michael’s face.
I won’t be able to stop myself.
Caspian trailed slightly shaking fingers down the side of Michael’s neck, fluttering them across his collarbone beneath the neckline of the sweatshirt, pushing it down a little so he could reach.
“Just...for a little while,” he said softly. “I don’t...not all the way, just…”
But he stopped talking and settled for pressing his mouth against Michael’s instead, closing the short distance between them.—————— Despite himself, Michael pressed back into the kiss as Caspian closed the distance between them on his own. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him all the time if he could. It was just that he was trying to be responsible because being an adult sucked and he knew he might end up doing something Caspian didn’t like and go too far and that would be the end of it.
Michael’s hands gripped a bit tighter to Caspian’s legs, and then slowly released so he could move his hands softly up and down them, moving to his knee, and then back up to his hip, pressing his thumbs a little more firmly against the more sensitive crease where his thigh met his pelvis.
He’d warned Caspian that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. He wanted so badly to hold him and kiss him and be close to him. Even though he was okay without the physical contact, that didn’t mean that he didn’t want it. He craved it, especially since it was Caspian.
Heart pounding in his chest, Michael pulled away from Caspian’s lips so he could press kisses against his face and jaw and then to his neck. It was as if he was getting drunk off Caspian’s warm, shuddering breath, and his trembling fingers against his neck and collarbone. Michael kept his hands firmly against Caspian’s thighs to keep himself from pulling off his sweatshirt, if only to feel Caspian’s hands against his chest. —————— He felt Michael’s resistance begin to crumble, felt him push back into the kiss, a sigh breathed out against his lips. Caspian slid one of his hands up, slid an arm around Michael’s shoulders and sank into it with pleasure and relief, as though kissing Michael was similar to getting air into his lungs. It was a slow, deep kiss, Caspian’s passion for Michael seeping into it, his other hand clutching the neckline of Michael’s sweatshirt.
He could get used to this, too used to this. He wanted it - Michael - badly enough that Caspian felt his fingers trembling, felt his body shaking as Michael slid his hands up and down his legs, sending sparks of heat flickering throughout him. He made a little noise against Michael’s mouth, Caspian delving fingers into his hair, needing the contact more than ever.
A gasp escaped him as Michael drew back, but there were kisses on his face, then his jaw, and then his neck, Caspian’s breath coming out in shorter, staccato sounds. He couldn’t have described how it felt to have Michael’s mouth against his throat, only that it was something he wanted more of, along with everything else, Caspian’s face flushing deeper.
He had never needed anyone more than he needed Michael, and not just physical. Caspian felt irrevocably tied to him now, his life twisting slowly together with Michael’s, and it made him dizzy, scared, amazed all at once. He now understood, on some level, Michael’s fear that Caspian could die, the thought of losing Michael at all terrifying to Caspian.
He tugged on Michael’s hair, pulled his head back and kissed him heatedly again, lips parted against his, Caspian sliding fingers beneath the neckline of Michael’s sweatshirt, pressing them, fluttering, to his collarbone again. And this time it was him who drew back, who bent his head and kissed Michael’s cheek, then his neck, and then his collarbone, lingering before he moved back up, twining arms around Michael’s neck.
“Michael,” he murmured, and his breathing was ragged, uneven. Caspian rested his forehead against Michael’s, as though resisting the urge to simply sink into more kisses. His expression was a mixture of desire and anxiousness, but also a tender affection that was undeniable, Caspian lifting his hand to press his fingers against Michael’s lower lip, skimming across them before dropping his hand once more. Caspian tilted his head, lips grazing Michael’s.
“I don’t want to have to ever let you go, now,” he whispered and kissed him.—————— The hands in his hair, fingers pressing against his scalp and neck, was more soothing and comforting than he thought it should be. He enjoyed the feel of Caspian’s hands wherever he touched him, but the way he sunk his fingers into his hair like he wanted to keep him as close as possible was something else.
Even as Caspian tugged on his hair to draw him back enough for another heated kiss, he enjoyed it. Caspian was becoming more and more apart of his life and he didn’t want to do anything that would break the somewhat fragile bond they had, whatever that was.
A small, pleased noise escaped from the back of his throat as Caspian pressed kisses to his neck and collarbone, despite himself, his face flushing a bit darker now as even he could recognize his resolve to be responsible and make sure Caspian was getting the rest he needed was failing. Especially as arms slid around his neck, warm arms holding him close.
Michael lifted his own hands, finding the hem of Caspian’s shirt so he could slide his hands up and under it, pressing his fingers against Caspian’s warm skin. He wanted to feel more of him, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew enough to at least try and behave himself… somewhat.
It didn’t stop him from pushing Caspian’s shirt up, one hand sliding up his back and holding him close, while the other slid up the front to press his hand against Caspian’s chest, and then sink lower towards his stomach, fingers gentle against the lean muscles of Caspian’s abdomen.
He kissed the fingers against his lip, his eyes meeting Caspian’s as their foreheads touched, his own expression somewhat similar to Caspian’s. There was something else there that he didn’t understand, something growing stronger every day he spent with Caspian and thought about him. It scared him a little, if only because he wasn’t sure what it was. Afraid that he wouldn’t be able to live up to whatever it was that he felt.
He couldn’t say anything before Caspian kissed him again, so he kissed him back instead, slow and deep, his heart pounding, his hands shaking slightly as they pressed against Caspian’s back and stomach.
Then don’t, Michael tried to convey in that kiss. I don’t want to, either. —————— He could not have said when it was that he had started needing Michael as opposed to simply wanting him. Wanting was certainly a part of things, but the more time Caspian spent with Michael, the more he became a necessary fixture in his life. It had been such a gradual process that it felt only natural; he could no longer imagine things differently, and didn’t want to.
He liked, very much, the feel of Michael’s hands on his skin, smoothing up his back, trailing down his chest and stomach. Caspian pressed into the touch, his arm tightening around Michael’s shoulders, needing the gentle and the firm simultaneously, his heart in his throat. Peter was not here to interrupt, but Caspian knew, at least somewhere in his hazy mind, that he should restrain himself, if only a little.
But not now. Not yet. Not when he just wanted to be closer to Michael, whose kisses were all warmth and heat and passion and need, whose hands drew across his torso like he wanted more of Caspian, craved him as much as Caspian craved Michael. He slid fingers into Michael’s hair and kissed him hard, losing the hesitation of before, because this man in front of him was all that Caspian ever wanted.
He knew he needed to stop before it got too far, but Caspian pressed himself closer to Michael, so close now that hardly any space was between them, his hands on either side of Michael’s face again, shaking and almost desperate.
“Just,” Caspian whispered raggedly against Michael’s mouth. “You. I just want you. No one else.”
No one else had ever made Caspian feel this way. He let his lips graze the unshaven line of his jaw, Caspian daring to n** at it before moving back up to kiss him again, as though he couldn’t bear to be away that long. It was a heated, desperate kiss, deep and passionate, and it left him breathless and gasping by the time Caspian drew back again, his forehead once more against Michael’s.
“I don’t want to - to stop,” he mumbled. “I just...want you so badly, but I - “
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:45 am
He liked the way Caspian shivered under his touch, the way he shifted to press back against his hands as he held him, pulling him close as if to protect him. Not only that, but it was as if he wanted to keep Caspian for himself. It was selfish, he knew, but he thought he would be okay with just Caspian. Just his kindness and patience was enough, but Caspian continued to offer him so much more, even though Michael was convinced he was not worthy for this kind of care and affection.
Michael let out another soft noise against Caspian’s mouth as they kissed, wanting more of him when he knew he shouldn’t. Caspian had just been sick, he reminded himself. If they weren’t careful, Caspian might get sick again.
His fingers clutched at Caspian’s skin a little more firmly as he tried to stop himself from delving further into this desire he felt, knowing it wasn’t the right time. Which was strange, because Michael had never cared for someone so deeply and emotionally to be concerned about when was a right time and when was a convenient time.
Usually everything was about convenience and mutual understanding that nothing would develop beyond what he and the other had to offer each other, but it was different with Caspian, and it still scared him that he didn’t know why.
He drew back when Caspian broke the kiss, his own breath heavy as his heart pounded, his hands forced to settle against Caspian’s sides for now. Michael soon pulled his hands out from under Caspian’s shirt and lifted them to wrap both of his arms around Caspian’s back, pulling his forehead away from Caspian’s so he could press his face against the side of his face and neck. From there, he could breathe in the subtle scents that he hadn’t quite recognized before, but was slowly learning the more he was with Caspian.
There was that hint of vanilla under the smell of soap and shampoo, along with another scent he thought he should recognize because it was familiar and warm, along with the vanilla.
This was the only way he could stop himself from going further; by preventing himself from kissing Caspian again and holding him tightly instead.
“I know,” he breathed, shaking his head lightly. “I want you, too. Just you,” he confirmed, and he found that it was a lot easier to say than he thought it would be. He’d never really had the need or desire to commit himself to someone before, but… for Caspian… he was the only one he wanted.
“You’ll overheat again,” he warned, a hand lifting to stroke Caspian’s hair as he tried to calm himself down. “We shouldn’t… Not right now…” Despite how much he wanted everything Caspian was willing to give him.—————— He missed the feel of Michael’s hands on his skin as soon as they left, but he understood too well why Michael had pulled them free. He wrapped his arms around Michael’s neck and held on as Michael buried his face in his neck, Caspian’s skin tingling, his chest too tight to breathe. He wanted to keep kissing Michael, wanted to keep doing...a whole lot more, but -
-but there was the matter of his health, and the matter of where and when and all of the factors that Caspian didn’t want to think about but that he had to.
Michael’s fingers in his hair soothed him, made him shiver as Caspian burrowed against him. He closed his eyes, his face in Michael’s hair, and exhaled a long breath, his body still trembling a little, overheated in spite of the warning, and strung too tight with a need for things he couldn’t have quite yet.
But Michael - Michael wanted him. Only him.
Caspian leaned back so that he could see Michael’s face, and it was a difficult question to ask, mostly because of embarrassment, his cheeks warming brighter as he bit his lower lip. Caspian’s fingers slid tenderly down the side of Michael’s face and curled at his jaw, smoothing along the roughness of his scruff and enjoying, selfishly, the feel of it against his skin.
“But,” he said softly, voice quiet, a little uneven and hoarse still. “I know not - not now, and that’s okay but…”
He swallowed hard.
“But...you do want to...with me...right?” Caspian asked, fighting back the anxiety and the shame of the question. He didn’t need anything to happen right at this moment, but he found he needed to know, if nothing else, that Michael was willing to go farther than just kissing. Showing could not happen, not while he was getting over being sick...but at the very least, telling was enough for now.—————— Michael’s eyes rose as Caspian pulled back, leaning into the feel of fingers against his face. He could see the emotions in Caspian’s eyes, the uncertainty, the anxiety, some shame. He could feel the question in Caspian’s touch, in the way his body was tense beneath Michael’s hands, as if he was afraid that everything he wanted wasn’t what Michael wanted.
A small, affectionate smile grew on Michael’s face, and he lifted his hand to brush his hand through Caspian’s hair once more before settling his fingers against Caspian cheek, his thumb lightly brushing against his lip. He could understand the anxiety, although the shame made his heart hurt a little.
“Yes,” he said simply, knowing that Caspian would want an honest answer, and Michael wanted to give him one. “Yes, I do, Cas,” he repeated, wanting to let it have some time to sink in. His expression was soft, filled with affection and warmth and something more. Now was not the time, but sometime. Maybe it would be soon, maybe it wouldn’t be, but he knew he wanted more if he could have it.
“I want you in any and every way I can have you. As long as you’re comfortable with it, of course,” he clarified, knowing that Caspian was anxious and probably didn’t have as much time to explore his sexuality as Michael had. So if that meant waiting longer, or going slow, or one thing at a time, Michael was willing to wait. Caspian didn’t seem as though he wanted to wait, but… for Michael at least… it was more than just something to rush through.
“Don’t make fun of me, but I want everything perfect when we do, if you want to. No being sick, no Peter, no Cassie…” Michael paused, realizing how strange that might sound, and he quickly tried to clarify. “I don’t know why, but it seems more important, with you…” —————— His breath caught in his throat, Caspian blinking rapidly against the emotions twisting in his chest. Instinctively, he pressed a small kiss to Michael’s thumb as it drew across his lip, the sheer tender sweetness of the gesture making his heart melt.
It was nothing, however, in comparison to the single yes he heard a second later. Caspian drew an audible breath, startled and overwhelmingly relieved all at once, his expression one to indicate he hardly dared believe it. And not only that, but more, because Michael wanted him. In any and every way I can have you.
The very thought, the very concept, was almost mindblowing. Caspian listened and felt as though the world around him was centered on this man, on Michael Gallo, because both his mind - and his heart - were filled with nothing but this man, nothing but the steady presence of someone that wanted him and cared enough about him to make sure that things went perfectly.
He leaned forward and kissed Michael softly, a brief thing with a hint of more, Caspian’s lips parting just enough that he could get a fleeting taste of Michael. He drew back, stroking fingers tenderly down the side of his face, biting his lip.
“I want it to be perfect too,” he said softly, and his cheeks reddened further. “I, um. I should tell you though, that I…”
Caspian averted his eyes, his hands linking together behind Michael’s neck, his heart pounding in his chest.
“When - when we...I haven’t...with any...guys. Um.”
He felt stupid and awkward, youthful once more, but it was only fair to let Michael know beforehand, Caspian not quite able to meet his eyes.—————— Michael leaned into the soft kiss, his hand still against Caspian’s face, although now he gently pushed his hair back and brushed his fingers along his jaw and over his ear. It felt as though Caspian’s fever was still down, despite the heat in his cheeks.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he quickly tried to reassure Caspian, tilting his head a little as though trying to catch his gaze again. “I said I wanted you to be comfortable with everything. We can talk about it if you want. It should help. We don’t even have to talk about it now if you’re not ready, but I think we should,” he said, knowing how embarrassing it could be not knowing what to do or really how to do it, because despite knowing the concept, it was definitely important to know before trying to fumble through everything.
“Cas,” he tried again, wanting to make sure he had his attention, the smile still there, not just on his face but in his eyes as well. “It’ll be okay,” he said and then paused for a moment, looking at Caspian with what he thought was a stupid amount of fondness.
“You asked me before if I was happy being friends with you,” he said, his smile a little brighter now. “I am happy. You make me happy. I want nothing more than to see you happy. So when I say I want you to be comfortable, I mean I want to make you happy, too.”
He knew it sounded a little silly, and he hoped that Caspian didn’t think he wasn’t being sincere, because the more he thought about it, the more he realized just how much Caspian meant to him. —————— He tilted his head instinctively into Michael’s hand, adoring the soft touches, because the simplicity of them made his heart ache and his thoughts calm. Everything Michael did was received with a sense of warmth and adoration, and Caspian bathed in the gentleness of it all.
Michael’s patience was almost overwhelming, in many ways. Caspian thought he didn’t deserve so much patience, but he appreciated it more than he could say. It helped to ease the flustered embarrassment that stemmed from his lack of experience, the fact that Michael was also willing to talk about this - about things - with him making it just a little more bearable overall.
He let his gaze be drawn back to Michael’s, Caspian’s cheeks reddened and his expression tentative. For someone as confident and relaxed as he normally was, he was remarkably docile when it came to intimacy, easy to embarrass and cause anxiety in. But he wanted it to be as good as he could make it, and that meant figuring out everything, making sure that Michael was comfortable - and he himself was as well.
Caspian drew fingers absently down the side of Michael’s face, curling at his jaw. For a moment, he was taken aback by the words, startled into a stunned silence, his eyes wide, and he remembered asking Michael that question - and Michael saying I don’t know, because he had never figured out what exactly it meant to be happy.
And now Michael was telling him that he was happy, and it felt like too much and just enough all at the same time.
“You…” Caspian said quietly. “You make me happy too. So happy I can’t think straight some of the time.”
He slanted a gaze back up at Michael, worrying at his lower lip.
“If - “ He tried not to be flustered over it. “If...you’d be willing to...to talk with me about...about everything…”
He trailed off, the meaning clear in spite of his stammering.
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:48 am
“That’s not good,” Michael said softly, although the smile still hadn’t left his face, his hands still touching Caspian’s face, even as he glanced embarrassedly away. “I still want you to be able to think straight,” he joked, although his expression shifted back to something a little more serious despite the smile.
“I would like to,” he confirmed, using his hands to draw Caspian closer to him for a quick kiss. “Let’s have something to eat first, though. I’m starving, and you should have some more water, at the very least, if you’re still not hungry,” he said as he pulled back, and held his hands out to offer Caspian some help in getting up.
“Do you think your sister will come home any time soon? I don’t want her to freak out over a stranger walking around in a sweatshirt and underwear in her house,” he said with a small grimace, waiting until Caspian had taken hold of his hands to get back up to his feet, before picking himself off the ground as well.
“Hey,” he said again, reaching out to place his hands on Caspian’s face once more. “It’ll be okay. I promise,” he said, knowing that Caspian was still rather flustered over the idea, but he thought it was best if they actually sat down and discussed everything involved and preferences and options and how far they could or didn’t want to go. There was a lot involved and he kind of wished someone would have sat down with him when he was young instead of just trying to figure it out on his own.
“You can talk to me about anything you want, Cas. I won’t make fun of you or think it’s stupid, I swear.” —————— ”Well, to think straight at all would involve actually being straight,” said Caspian without thinking, and then stopped abruptly, snapping his mouth shut as though this would somehow take back the idiotic comments he tended to make at the most inopportune times. He swallowed hard against the sudden lump in his throat, hating the fact that he felt childish again, inexperienced, young. Caspian was capable of winging things when he could, going along with the flow - but when it came down to it, he knew only the basics of what being with another guy entailed. Researching it on his own had only gotten him so far, after all, and Michael was...well.
He knew what he was doing. Unlike Caspian.
The gentle, brief kiss helped to soothe his nerves, Caspian allowing Michael to pull him to his feet. He gave a shake of his head, feeling slightly less wobbly today than he had the day before, and said, “No, I don’t think so. She’s been away a lot lately.”
Warm hands encased either side of his face. Caspian’s gaze rose to meet Michael’s, his teeth still worrying at his lower lip, hands tugging at sleeves that fell too long over his wrists. He knew it was stupid to be anxious about this particular topic; especially since it dawned on Caspian that Michael being willing to talk about…this only solidified the fact that he wanted to be with Caspian as much as Caspian wanted to be with him.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, untangling his hands and reaching to twine them around Michael’s waist, Caspian looking up at him with his chin resting on Michael’s chest. “You’re good to me.”
There was a pause, and then he said,
“...and for what it’s worth...I like this look on you.”—————— The nervousness and anxiousness and self consciousness Caspian had didn’t bother Michael beyond wishing there was something he could do to make Caspian feel more at ease. He knew there was only so much he could say and do to try and convince him that everything would be okay, and then rest would have to be Caspian making up his mind on his own.
Michael had snorted softly at Caspian’s comment about thinking straight and being straight, but the shifting expressions on his face had Michael resisting any urges to respond. It was obvious that Caspian said it without thinking, and then possibly regretted it for whatever reason, so in order to try and keep him from feeling too out of sorts, Michael kept his mouth shut as well.
“I’m beginning to wonder if she even exists,” he said with a small grin, and then shook his head. “No, it’s better this way. I don’t want to compete for your attention.” Another half joke, but one that hinted more on the serious side, and Michael moved his hands from Caspian’s face to brush back the black hair, one hand remaining against Caspian’s head, while the other rubbed at his back in a comforting motion while Caspian’s chin rested against his chest.
“What look?” he snorted softly again. “Not wearing anything?” He shook his head, but it was mostly in amusement. “But,” he said after a moment, “If you like it, maybe I’ll take off my clothes more often.” —————— He managed to give a small laugh at that, Caspian leaning a little into Michael’s touch, like a cat needing its head to be stroked. Every little action managed to make him feel more relaxed, most notably the ones that seemed simple in nature; a gentle brush here, a sweep of his hair there. Ordinary, comforting gestures that somehow brought Caspian a great deal of reassurance.
“Yes, that look,” he said, unable to stop the smile on his face, cheeks pink. “I like that look.”
The last comment succeeded in making him blush further, Caspian staring, feeling his heart pound. He couldn’t tell if it was a joke or not - it probably was, but at the same time, Michael had used to roll his eyes and grow exasperated whenever Caspian made comments of a similar nature. It was...rather nice seeing it the other way around and knowing that Michael was relaxing more around him.
Caspian tilted his head back down and pressed his face into Michael’s chest, letting himself hold on for just a moment longer.
“...I wouldn’t complain if you did, just so you know,” he mumbled, and then drew back with a sigh, rubbing at his forehead.
“Okay. Food. Then...talk.”—————— Michael happened to really like the flush on Caspian’s face, despite feeling bad for embarrassing him. It made him feel as though Caspian really was thinking about him. Which he knew he was, but it was just more proof.
Breakfast was some quick pancakes with fresh strawberries for the sake of keeping it simple for Caspian who still should probably be focusing on drinking more liquids than having a lot of heavy food. Michael did his best to keep the conversation light while they ate, because the point was to get Caspian to eat instead of making him too nervous to even try.
Michael felt bad, of course. He didn’t want Caspian to feel nervous or anxious, even if he could definitely understand why. He didn’t blame him for feeling that way, and it definitely wasn’t anything to fault him on for not having any experience when it came to being with another man.
After they finished eating and the dishes were cleaned and they had some time to just relax, Michael and Caspian made their way back up to Caspian’s bedroom, just because it was more comfortable there. They climbed up onto the bed and Michael offered his open arms to Caspian if he wanted to rest against him.
He did his best to keep things as casual as possible, but also not wanting to sugar coat anything. Of course, intimacy and everything involved with that came in a whole manner of different levels of intensity. Michael made sure Caspian knew there was no real right way, and all that really mattered was that they liked how they felt. It was a complex subject in general, and Michael tried as best as he could to explain things in a way that wouldn’t embarrass Caspian too much, or make him too anxious.
Touching, kissing, different stimuli, preparation, why doing certain things felt good, how to feel good, different options they had to try things, and even the suggestion of Caspian trying things out on his own was mentioned, if only to figure out what he liked and what he didn’t like.
He patiently waited for questions that Caspian had, and when it seemed that Caspian might be too shy to ask something, Michael did his best to explain, anyway. Overall, Michael didn’t think it was that horrible, but then again… he was the one who had more experience in the area.
“It’s probably best to take things slow, anyway,” Michael said as he tried to think of something else to explain, but was at least able to cover the bases. —————— Breakfast was delicious, as usual, since Michael had been the one to make it. Caspian didn’t eat much, not because he he disliked it, but because being sick meant that he did not have much of an appetite, no matter how much or how little better he felt today in comparison to yesterday. He did manage to get down a pancake, but mostly ate strawberries, downing a glass of orange juice per Michael’s request.
The anxiety had not abated by the time breakfast was over, in spite of Michael’s goodhearted attempts. Back upstairs in his room tucked safely away in his place of respite, Caspian curled up sideways in Michael’s lap, tugging his arms around him so that he had something to hold onto other than his pillow, which he kept debating on whether or not to bury his face into it. Like this, he could lean sideways, rest his head against Michael’s chest and keep it tucked under his chin.
It also prevented Caspian the much needed benefit of not seeing Michael’s face. As much as he felt towards Michael, this was one time when Caspian preferred to stare at his own hands, rather than anything else.
The explanation was careful, thorough, and patient, with Michael doing his absolute best to keep things as straightforward and simple as possible. Caspian still felt unbelievably inexperienced, and by the end of it, with his halting, stammered, awkward questions, he did at least get a certain sense of understanding, even if it was still a little - a lot - overwhelming altogether.
It also likely didn’t help that Caspian had talked to Michael about this, and not someone who Caspian wasn’t planning on getting intimate with. It made everything that much more real and that much more...intimate, but at the same time, in spite of everything, Caspian felt oddly reassured by the time they finished - if not a more than a little red faced and flushed in a way that had nothing to do with his easing fever.
“Well,” he mumbled. “Slow is probably better for me, since I don’t know what I’m doing. I mean…” He fumbled for words. Both of Caspian’s arms were draped loosely around Michael’s arm, which he’d drawn across his own lap as he sat there in Michael’s. “I do now, sort of...maybe.”
He let out a sigh and buried his face in Michael’s arm, exhaling a breath.
“There’s just...a lot more to it than I thought there could be.”
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:52 am
Michael was more than happy to keep his arms around Caspian, letting him sit in his lap and rest his head against his chest. He knew how strange it must be, discussing something so very intimate when they both already said that they wanted to do those more intimate things.
If anything, Michael was glad that they’d actually talked about things first. While he knew now from experience, he hadn’t known much his first time. It hadn’t been horrible, but he wished he could have known everything ahead of time. He also was glad that if something did happen and Caspian decided that he really didn’t want to do anything with Michael, that he would at least know for the future.
Michael hoped that wasn’t the case, but he was trying to be as realistic as possible.
“I just want you to remember that no matter what, you being comfortable is all that matters,” Michael tried to reassure him, absently brushing his fingers up and down Caspian’s side where it rested while his arms were around Caspian.
“You are allowed to change your mind at any time if you decide you want to wait or not do something. I promise I won’t be mad or upset,” he said, looking up to the star mobile instead of down at Caspian, although he could feel the tension in Caspian’s posture, and the way he draped his arms over Michael’s, and then finally buried his face against Michael’s arm.
“I like you. I want to be with you, but I also want you to be a hundred percent okay. Just because you don’t think you know what you’re doing doesn’t mean you won’t be good. It’ll take practice and learning what works and what doesn’t… if you actually wanted to try more than once, I mean,” Michael added with a small grimace, knowing that Caspian might completely change his mind and never want anything to do with him again. —————— He gave a little nod, Caspian letting Michael’s fingers soothe him with their gentle brushes up and down his side. The conversation had left him feeling a little drained, his head feeling somewhat light, though a part of that had to do with the lingering sickness that had persisted since the night before. He wasn’t exactly ignorant of how things went when it came to this sort of thing, but it was a whole lot different actually doing anything or even being inclined to do anything. Caspian had had a girlfriend and had flirted and kissed with a number of other people, but he’d never cared to do anything more than that.
It was different, with Michael. It was more than casual, more than just a light regard. Caspian had been curious from the very beginning, but that simple curiosity had grown into something deeper and stronger than he had ever thought it would be; strong enough that sometimes it scared him how much he liked Michael.
And talking about everything now suddenly made another question appear in Caspian’s mind, one he had toyed with before but had forgotten, and now it came back and full force.
He pushed himself up slowly from Michael. With a certain amount of effort and finagling, Caspian turned in his arms, shifting so that he was facing Michael now, still in his lap but with his legs now on either side of him, his hands moving to curl in the sides of Michael’s shirt.
“I...want to,” he said quietly, and his cheeks were still a little flushed. “With you. I do, I want to.”
He took a breath, forcing himself to continue, and he was afraid of the answer he might get, afraid it would not be the same as his own answer, his own feelings. Caspian swallowed hard, lifting his eyes to meet Michael’s, his fingers tightening a little in the fabric.
”Only you,” he said meaningfully, biting his lip. “I, um. I mean I want you to be my...I mean, only if you want to, and I don’t know if you want to, I don’t even know if you see me the same way, but I’m, um, not interested in anyone else, and I think I’d really, really be okay with just being with you, and uh, what I’m trying to say is that, uh - I’m not sure if you want me to be - but - um - “
The words he was trying to say were not coming out, but a whole gaggle of nonsensical ones were in their place.—————— Michael held out his arms as Caspian shifted around in his lap, wanting to be able to help him or catch him if he lost his balance. Once he was settled back down, Michael placed his hands along Caspian’s thighs, rubbing them gently in what he wanted to be a comforting gesture.
He wasn’t entirely sure what his expression looked like to Caspian. A little bit of surprise was there, maybe some uncertainty since he was pretty sure what Caspian wanted to ask, but this was where he lacked experience. Emotional commitment was something he had always shied away from and he thought it had been ingrained into him. At least until he started realizing how he felt towards Caspian.
Along with the slight surprise and uncertainty, there was also warm affection, and something else he still didn’t understand, but his expression finally settled on the latter two emotions that flickered across his face, and Michael leaned in to press a kiss against Caspian’s lips as he stammered his way through the question he seemed so determined to ask but couldn’t quite get himself to say the words, effectively cutting him off from trying to explain himself.
“I’ve never been someone’s boyfriend before,” Michael admitted as he pulled back, but tilted his head forward to press his forehead against Caspian’s. “I’m not really sure how. I’m not sure I’ll be very good at it,” he said, the warmth shifting back to the uncertainty he felt, mostly over himself rather than anything to do with Caspian.
“But,” he said, a little tentatively because he didn’t want to disappoint Caspian in the end, “I would like to try. If you’re okay with that.” —————— Caspian’s rambling was effectively stifled by Michael’s lips on his, Caspian shutting up abruptly. He leaned into it instinctively, his eyes fluttering shut, and when Michael pulled back, there was a slightly dazed look on Caspian’s flushed face.
Boyfriend.
It was the word Caspian had both been trying to say and trying not to say, in case it scared Michael away, and in case he was mistaken about all of this and Michael just wanted something more casual, more relaxed. The idea of it kind of stung, the more he thought about it, Michael’s hands warm and reassuring on his legs, keeping him in place with his forehead against his.
But the idea of Michael actually wanting to be his boyfriend made Caspian feel lightheaded and amazed all at once.
“Yes, please yes,” he blurted out, and then blushed furiously, Caspian’s heart in his throat. He leaned back a little to look at Michael, his pulse rapid under his skin as he took in the strong, handsome features, the scruff along his jaw, the blue eyes that looked at him with such passion in them that it made him shiver a little.
“I mean,” Caspian said, a little more normal. He swallowed hard. “I want you to be my boyfriend, and I want to be your boyfriend, because...because the thought of you with anyone else…”
It was selfish and childish. Caspian clamped his mouth shut and turned his head, averting his gaze.—————— The blurting out of yes, please yes had Michael laughing softly, his hands brushing up and down Caspian’s legs to try and calm him. The expression on Caspian’s face was so raw and sincere that Michael knew this wasn’t just something he made up on the spot, but probably something he’d thought about for a while.
He smiled down at him, looking into those blue eyes that reminded him a little of the night after sunset, and feeling as though maybe this would be okay. Michael had never been so enthralled with anyone to the point of wanting to be in an actual relationship with them, but with Caspian and his stubbornness and patience and kind heart, Michael thought he could push his own reservations aside.
Michael Gallo, self titled perpetual bachelor was now Caspian Lyons’ boyfriend, and he was somehow, surprisingly, miraculously, okay with that.
“I haven’t,” he confessed, feeling a little silly that he felt the need to share this with Caspian. “Not since that we got stuck in the boxcar… I haven’t been with anyone else. I haven’t felt like it. I didn’t want to… I don’t know why.” It sounded a little silly, even to his own ears, especially since that night went probably very poorly, but then promises were made and Michael had a strange sense of commitment that he’d never felt before.
“The idea of you being with someone else bothers me too,” he said softly, feeling a little selfish for saying so since Michael used to be very open and uncaring about who he was with or what they did after. —————— If he thought back on it, the boxcar had been the night where everything had started to shift. Michael had tried pushing him away, only for Caspian to resist, and then the morning after, waking up curled together, Michael had let him be close, both physically and mentally. It had been a turning point, Caspian supposed; and by then he was already starting to be attached. And he hadn’t wanted anyone else, either, hadn’t been interested romantically or otherwise in the people he spent time around.
Only Michael had been the person he had chosen to stick to, and now Caspian understood at least a part of why it had been like that.
Caspian slid his hands up Michael’s sides until he could twine his hands together around the back of his neck, holding on and easing himself a little closer.
“So….we’re good, then,” he said quietly, fighting to keep the absurd, overwhelming feeling of happiness from bursting out of him, his hands trembling a little. “We’re...dating. You and me. Michael Gallo and Caspian Lyons. We’re...boyfriends, then.”
He swallowed hard against the feel of it, the taste of it, and wound his arms more securely around Michael’s neck, fingers brushing against his hair, the nape of his neck. The world could have ended around them and Caspian would only have had eyes for Michael, and while Michael was not exactly a “boy’ in terms of age, he still felt unbelievably thrilled by the prospect of what was occurring.
“Boyfriend,” Caspian said again, in a tone of wonderment and almost disbelief. He pressed a very light kiss to Michael’s lips, as though tasting the word there.
“You’re my boyfriend.”
He needed to stop before he sounded stupid, but he couldn’t help himself, Caspian repeating the word anyway, his heart pounding.
“Just mine,” he said, “No one else’s boyfriend.”—————— It was a good feeling, seeing how happy Caspian was with the idea of Michael being his boyfriend. It made his heart pound and the smile that was already on his face grow. He leaned into the kiss as Caspian repeated the word, laughing softly against his mouth.
“No one else’s boyfriend,” he agreed, giving Caspian another quick kiss, his hands reaching up to slide along Caspian’s sides, settling against his waist to keep him in place. “You’ll have to let me know if I’m doing anything wrong,” Michael requested, the very thought of being Caspian’s, or anyone’s boyfriend, both terrifying and exciting.
Michael lifted one of his hands from Caspian’s waist to place against his forehead, wanting to test out his temperature once more. “You should be resting,” he said for what seemed like the dozenth time that morning. “You’re still pretty warm.”
Of course, he didn’t really want to leave yet, not when they just decided to actually be in a relationship with a term other people could recognize. So, as if to try and force Caspian to rest a little more, Michael reached down to tug at the bed sheets and blanket. He then carefully scooted farther down on the bed with Caspian still comfortably in his lap, and lay down, himself. The intention was to have Caspian lie down on his chest if he wanted, or if he would rather just lie beside him, that was an option as well.
“Just a little while, okay?” he requested, willing to rest with Caspian if that meant Caspian would settle down for a little longer. He reached back to the pillow behind him, putting an arm behind his head to prop himself up just a little so he could watch what Caspian would do. —————— He felt little tingles up and down his spine as Michael traced hands along his sides and waist, Caspian’s heart thumping madly in his chest. A mixture of excitement, pleasure, fear, anxiety, and nerves were coursing through him, tangling up inside of his head, but all Caspian could think of was the fact that Michael had just agreed - had just said, out loud - that he wanted to be his boyfriend.
It was unbelievable. And incredible and terrifying all at once.
As Michael lay down, Caspian stayed sitting up, shifting to bend his knees beneath him so that he was more comfortable, his hands sliding to rest on Michael’s stomach. He knew he should rest, and he would, but not before he indulged himself just a tiny bit beforehand.
Fingers nudged beneath the sweatshirt, Caspian allowing himself the small, thrilling pleasure of resting his palms against Michael’s flat, bare stomach, just for a moment. “Fine,” he said softly, smiling down at him. “I’ll rest. And you’re not doing anything wrong yet, just so you know.”
He somewhat reluctantly pulled his hands free, then bent his head and pressed a long, lingering kiss to Michael’s lips, hands on either side of his face. Caspian drew back, then eased himself carefully off of Michael and nestled down beside him instead, looping an arm around his waist and snuggling close.
“Wake me in a little while, all right?” he mumbled, sounding absurdly, wonderfully happy.—————— It was a strange, new experience for Michael. But then again, everything with Caspian had been strange and new, but not in any bad way. These experiences were exciting, terrifying, and he couldn’t help but want more. He never imagined himself to actually want to be in a relationship with someone where he was called their boyfriend, but here he was, shifting over to give Caspian enough room to lie down beside him, one of Caspian’s arms slung over his waist.
Michael pulled the covers up and over Caspian and tucked him in, against his side, as best as he could. He wanted to make sure he was warm and secure as well as comfortable. His free hand reached up to lay against Caspian’s arm across his waist, his hand gently gripping Caspian’s arm.
“Yes, your majesty,” he lightly teased, wondering what he was getting himself into once more, but instead of any kind of feeling of dread, all he could think about was how he enjoyed being next to this silly, troublesome, wonderful young man. His boyfriend.
He just hoped that he and Caspian could continue to feel as happy about this for as long as possible.
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