Deskri Meiann had never once considered having children outside of a passing "no." And not really just "no," it was a resounding, unmoving, completely stuck in his kneejerk thought sort of "no." It wasn't that he hated kids- okay, he didn't really love kids but he didn't hate them- he wasn't always sure how to talk to the little ones and didn't feel like he had enough of a "normal" childhood to really connect with the older ones- it was really just a case of The Awkward for Des.
He also hadn't really expected Sirius to want kids. Not that he was all that surprised when his husband asked him if they could- he just hadn't really expected it. He knew Sirius had a love for academically tormenting his students- he'd just sort of assumed that meant he didn't really like children either.
Well, he was wrong. And so Des had to actually sit down and think about having children for once. Immediately that resounding no bubbled to the surface- but he had to think past that. Why? Why didn't he want to?
He sat himself down somewhere private- his art room - and began deconstructing his reasons before giving Sirius a real answer.
I'd hurt them.
No... Sirius knew the signs- he knew how to look out to see if he was going to lose it or something.. He'd never be like his fathers- he knew that much.
I don't like kids.
That's a lie. He did, just... didn't know how to relate.
It's a huge responsibility.
...He wouldn't be doing it alone, Sirius would be there... plus when they were old enough they'd be going to the Academy which... honestly parents all of the students regardless of whether they have parents or not...
I don't want them to turn out like me.
He paused, repeating the admission in his head. He rubbed at his face. This... this was not something he could explain away. He didn't want to do this to someone- didn't want to inflict this issue on anyone else if he could help it-... He'd gotten it through genetics, didn't that mean his kids would, too? But Tengu hadn't gotten it and they had at least 2 of the same parents...
I got help, though.
The thought in the back of his mind tugged at him - drawing his attention from the self-loathing spiral he was about to dive head first into. Yes... he'd gotten help, and he knew what to look for... When the signs would start showing, and what they'd be... He was living a mostly stable life, a mostly normal life... All of that abnormality was not because of his condition, it was because of what was done to him.
He chewed at his lip, thinking everything through once more- he'd tell Sirius yes. They could imbue. But they'd need to wait- he couldn't handle kids right now and just.... wanted some more time for the two of them. Sirius could handle that, right?
