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(coming soon)

I write this entry with a shaking hand. I can't steady myself regardless of how hard I try. Will this tremor be my punishment? For what I have done there are no words. Regardless of my sisters comforting presence I can't speak of what I have done. Whenever I try my tongue seems to shrivel and the words die in my throat. I know my silence bothers her but she knows me well enough not to pry and for that I am grateful. However I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I haven't slept or touched food or drink for two days now and I fear that my father has taken notice. A healer has already been by to visit me. I sent them away with something to think about and a stern word with my guards would keep them away in the future. No herbs or techniques will ease this guilt from my mind. I don't want it to either. In some ways this is my punishment for my sins and I will gladly accept the pain.

If that whore had kept her mouth shut this would never have happened. I offered to pay her off. Offered to ensure her life would be peaceful and she and her spawn would be cared for. But of course she thought she could gain more at my expense. That I would open my arms for her and her b*****d son- I would never live that shame down- and I have no doubts my father would have something to say about this. But how the boy smiled at me when he was displayed! The woman looked as proud a robin in the morning. I shan't lie to you, old friend, for who else can I turn to then my journal who has listened to my joys and woes, when I held that boy in my arms my heart stirred. But with that stirring came fear. I am no more then sixteen years old! This woman isn't my beloved but a slum whore that I had the displeasure of meeting. This boy was nothing to me if not a future burden. I didn't even know his name. If I had learned what the wench had called him then the outcome might have been different. In small ways it is a small blessing that I might never know. As I held that child and he looked up at me, his assumed father and smiled, he had no idea what fate might rest before him. I haven't the foggiest idea what overcame me in that moment. Fear and grief, perhaps, or an underlying knowledge that this boy couldn't be allowed to live and with that thought I drowned the poor boy like the runt from a mutts litter. He put up no resistance as if he understood that he wasn't meant to live.

How that woman wailed and screamed! I have never in my lifetime heard a person make that noise before and the inkling of memory causes me to tense and shake. The woman's cries have pierced my head and echo in my dreams. How she screamed and begged! Why couldn't she had taken my bribe and left me in peace? It's her fault- NOT MINE! But when all is said and done I did what I believed was right. What I have been taught is right since my boyhood. When Governess Violet taught me over and over that our blood is royal and shouldn't mingle with those of lower birth. The boy would have lived a terrible life. Or at least I assume so from what I have seen from other b*****d children.

I still my hand because I have heard the gentle tapping at my door. Ursula has come to visit me again it seems. I'm glad. The darkness is settling again and I fear for another night of nightmares. At least in her presence my mind is eased and my body relaxed. Until I write again my dear friend.

(more coming soon..,)