Everything felt very hazy and soft. Surrounded in warmth, a sliver of awareness floated up like a soap bubble. She felt... good. Perfect even. No pain. No tiredness. Just contentment.
Self awareness came a little after that, though it could have been minutes, hours, days later. Time didn't have meaning here, didn't exist. She didn't know where she was and she couldn't remember how she'd gotten here, though she had a faint feeling there had been something different than this, once. A different Place. Memories swam through this space like fish, growing and fading.
She had a father, and a brother. She'd had a mother, once, but she didn't now. She loved them very much, and she felt that like a swelling in her chest, like she was expanding to contain the emotion. Love. She loved others too and the emotion pulled those memories out of the warm sea. A dark haired, quiet man, a short woman with two toned hair and gold eyes. Thoughts of them seemed to call still others, they began slip past in a stream, details growing. A girl with teal hair who held her while she cried and gazed at her adoringly. A young girl with wild brown curls and a crystal flower. A tall young man, walking in the park with his love on his arm. A tall, strong blonde woman who had cast off her darkness, though another haunted her. There were so many of them... ranging across all spectrum of gender and personality and coloring. All precious, all loved. Each seemed to pull greater detail from her memories, clarifying them. The stream reached a crest and she remembered the feel of Hver's hands clutching her scarf as they kissed at her wonder, warm and eager and exciting, and then it fell apart and the memories scattered.
What came back was different, but there was still that clarity of detail, and it passed slower. She watched as Painite shoved her hand into Tsui's chest and she flung herself at the general, breaking her concentration and her hold. A flash of pain in her side changed the scene to the construction zone and Painite's grinning face as she lay bleeding from the wound in her side. So weak, so helpless as a basic against a General. She'd only survived because Chaonis had answered her call for help. The earth rumbled beneath her and the scene shifted again. She stood on a roof and watched Bischofite slip his hand into the chest of a girl she knew from school, filling her starseed with so much dark chaotic energy, he'd destroyed any semblance of humanity she had had. She'd been unable to stop it and could only watch in horror as a new youma was born. The memories flowed over her, as unstoppable as the tide, and she felt overwhelmed by them. These weren't good memories... these were failures, laid out one after another in accusing line. Moments she had been too weak to stop what had happened.
The next in the string of memories featured one man, his eyes a yellow as a rose and his words cutting. Every moment filled with uncertainty and frustration, but also attraction for someone so very different than anyone she'd ever known and a certainty there was more beneath his surface, if she could reach it. Moments of seeing him at his weakest, and moments of finally reaching an accord, when she had felt desired, for the first time in her life. The memories built to the moment of despair and heartbreak when she saw him revealed, her lover and her bitter enemy one in the same. She began to struggle against the tide, but there was no stopping it, or the pain it brought.
I don't want these... Please...
The next memory was something she knew wasn't true, but even after all this time it still felt real... Standing in the remains of the Oasis, the sound of battle outside the canvas wall. The beloved faces of Naer and Hver, saying good bye for the last time. The pain of this memory was as keen as the moment she had 'lived' it, and she struggled harder. The scene shifted and she reached to touch the still, perfect face of the woman she loved, tears tracking lines down her face. Another shift, three in close sucession; standing in shock as horror became reality and Bohlinia's starseed was pulled from her body. Falling under the weight of youma, despite all the power of her royal form, and watching as Chariklo was ripped apart before her eyes. Standing on a stage before a cheering crowd, beaten and alone, before a sword thrust through her chest.
Stop!
Alkaid's face swam up before her, pale and beautiful and spider webbed with cracks. Telling her that Gehenna had given her up to save himself. Draining her life for countless days on end. Tossing her like a broken doll down the stairs as she calmly informed her her usefulness was at an end. The flow of memories picked up and replayed themselves, one after another. Every horrible moment. Every loss, every failure. It beat her, wearing her down under it's weight and persistence until she couldn't stomach it any more. She raised a last, desperate cry as they threatened to overwhelm her, suddenly, fiercely refusing to be crushed.
I tried! I fought, tooth and nail, every step of the way!
None of that was my fault!
The memories broke and scattered abruptly, a sense of satisfaction coming from nowhere and everywhere at once. Ida was left floating in that warm, soft place again, bruised and sore, but... strangely peaceful. None of that was her fault. She had fought, every step of the way. The things that had happened, they had been choices other people had made. The times she had fallen had not been because she hadn't tried, despite overwhelming odds. She'd been carrying all of it for so long.. weighed down by the guilt and the regret.
All around her, she felt a sense of something supporting her. Radiating that warmth and... love. Unconditionally given. It coalesced into a sudden connection and wonder rose up through her mind. Was this... was this Ida? She felt... something unimaginably vast touching her thoughts, and through that link came that sense of caring. She felt herself drawn into, wrapped up and surrounded until it was the only thing that existed...
...
The light that had been pulsing with steady regularity across the side of the pod on Ida suddenly faltered, flickered, and died. The text that had been scrolling faded out as well, and the rich, vibrant look of the wood and amber slowly began to lose color, darkening as the amber panes between the vines cracked around the edges.
Word Count: 1143
