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 Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 11:15 pm
Beginning of August 2016
Michael wasn't sure how he managed it, but he thought he did a great job of keeping his hands to himself as he drove himself and Caspian to his house on his motorcycle. It probably had to do with the fact that he wanted to be as focused as possible, since aside from a helmet, Caspian wasn't really dressed for riding.
Luckily, they got to his house with no incidents, and Michael helped Caspian off the parked bike. He lead the way to the house, opened the door, and ushered Caspian inside. His house was the same as it always was; colored in blue grey with white and black accents. Any other colors were minimal at best.
"I know we just ate, but are you hungry?" he asked, wanting to make sure Caspian was fed, seeing as he only ate poptarts when he wasn't around him. "Or thirsty. You should probably have some water, anyway," he said as he removed his jacket and pulled at the collar of his teeshirt that was kind of wet and gross from being out in the heat.
"Ugh, I should shower," he grumbled to himself, clearly not feeling all that attractive since he was covered in sweat and his hair felt matted and icky.
"You could shower too, if you wanted," Michael added as he stopped in the kitchen to get some water for himself and Caspian, giving him a look that clearly meant for Caspian to drink it without arguing.
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Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2016 6:03 pm
He was not thinking of anything.
This was what Caspian told himself, firmly, as they left the ice cream parlor and reached the blistering summer heat. It was what he told himself as he held on to Michael on the back of the bike, zooming towards Michael’s house. It was what he told himself as they made their way up to the house in question, and it was what he told himself as he stepped inside.
It was not helping. He kept going back to the warmth that Michael exuded, a warmth that had nothing to do with the summer weather and everything to do with Michael himself.
It wasn’t, Caspian thought repeatedly, that they were going to do…everything. He had not meant that when he’d said he wanted to get to know Michael better not just emotionally but physically, even though it was sort of what he’d meant. Michael was older. More experienced - no, he wasn’t thinking about that, either.
“I’ll have water, but I’m not hungry,” said Caspian, as he reached out to take the offered glass, relieved that his hand didn’t shake when he wrapped it around it. He took a long swallow, letting the cold liquid and the wonderful air conditioning soothe him, though his heart kept slamming repeatedly against his ribcage in an extremely distracting way.
“Uh,” he said, and down the rest of the water, Caspian wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. “I can shower in Peter’s shower, and...yeah.”
What was he supposed to say? Then I’ll meet you in your room? The living room?
For someone who was comfortable with physical affection ninety percent of the time, he sure was making an idiot of himself, Caspian’s cheeks still flushed.
“I’ll just steal some of Peter’s clothes,” he said, setting the empty glass back down and edging towards the hallway. In reality, he sort of wanted to borrow Michael’s instead, afraid that wearing something Peter wore would kill the mood, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. “He won’t mind, right?”
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Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2016 6:31 pm
”That should be fine,” he nodded in agreement when Caspian suggested using Peter’s shower. Michael took the time to drink his glass of water as well, which felt great after being in the stifling heat on his bike. He could sort of sense the nervousness from Caspian, which made him feel a little guilty because that hadn’t been the intention at all.
Michael paused as he watched Caspian start to head towards the hall. He was still afraid of doing too much, or doing it too quickly, but he also wanted Caspian to feel more comfortable being there.
“Remember when I said you should leave some of your clothes here?” he asked, trying to prevent himself from making a face that made it obvious that he was fighting with himself on whether this was a good idea or not.
Instead of explaining himself right away, he quickly walked passed Caspian to duck into his room, but came back a few moments later with a small stack of clothes in his hands.
“I mean, I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what size you wore, but… I mean, it’s just a shirt and sweatpants, and they might not even fit. I already washed them, so if they don’t then don’t worry about it,” he quickly explained, holding out the shirt and pants for Caspian to take. The pants had a large teal and blue pattern and were relatively light weight, and the shirt was navy blue and long sleeved, but had a brightly colored design over half of the front and down one of the sleeves.
Even as he held them out, Michael still looked a bit hesitant, as though he was changing his mind.
“Is this weird? Me buying you clothes in case you ended up staying here? That’s weird, isn’t it?” he mumbled.
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Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2016 6:41 pm
He stopped, half turned, and gave Michael a slightly confused look, Caspian not quite sure where this was going as Michael ducked into his room. But as he reemerged a second later, a bundle of clothing in his hands, everything became clear, and Caspian felt another swooping sensation in his stomach, his eyes widening.
Slowly he reached out and took the offered clothes, his fingers closing on the cotton fabric. He turned them over, trying not to look as unbelievably pleased as he was, his gaze flickering across the bright design.
Michael had gotten him clothes for when he stayed over. Caspian felt his heart expand three sizes in his chest and he had to resist the very strong urge to reject the shower idea and simply lean forward and kiss Michael now.
Except no, he was trying to take things carefully. Caspian folded the clothes into his arms and tilted his head up, his eyes softening.
“It’s not weird,” he said quietly, “It’s perfect.”
He hesitated, then reached up, took ahold of Michael’s shoulder, and pulled him down a little. He had to stand on his tiptoes to do it, but Caspian pressed a quick kiss to Michael’s cheek and then let go, hastily turning away before his flushed face could be seen in closer regard.
“I’ll, um, only be a little bit,” he said quickly, and darted into the bathroom.
True to his word, it only took Caspian ten minutes to get in and out of the shower, his mind whirling. He tugged on the clothes that Michael had gotten him, which were just a tad too big, maybe one size too large, but that was how Caspian liked them anyway. He stood in front of the mirror toweling his hair, feeling a flutter of anxiety in his stomach, staring somewhat dejectedly at his youthful looking reflection.
With a deep breath, he slung the towel back up and stepped tentatively out into the hall and looked around quietly to see where Michael was.
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Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2016 9:32 pm
If anything, Michael took the kiss on his cheek to mean that he hadn’t messed up anything and that Caspian was okay with the sort of gift that was really meant more for convenience than a gift, but still. He smiled dumbly to himself as he watched Caspian find his way to Peter’s bathroom, before turning to head to his own.
At least it was nice to get out of his sweaty clothes. While he liked being outside, he also happened to like feeling and looking (and smelling) clean. Rolling around in the dirt as a knight or just for fun happened every now and then, but he preferred the feeling of stepping out of a good shower.
He didn’t take too long in the shower itself, but he did fuss over his appearance, his hands rubbing at his own face and trying to decide if he looked ridiculous with facial hair, even though he’d already trimmed it down to noticeable stubble, but nothing overly thick. After being clean shaven for so long, it was just something he needed to get used to. It wasn’t that he didn’t like how it looked, especially since Caspian said he liked it, but… it was different for him.
Michael also took the time to try and dry his hair, but wasn’t as successful, and it wasn’t long before he thought he heard the door to Peter’s room opening. Giving up, he headed out and to the hall to see what Caspian was doing. He pulled on a clean grey tee-shirt and navy colored lounge pants.
“Feel better?” he asked as he slid his hands into his pants pockets as he leaned one shoulder against the door frame. Michael took the time to look Caspian over as well, making a face as he realized the clothes were a little too big. “s**t, sorry… I wasn’t sure how they’d fit… are they okay though? Probably better than anything Peter has…” Maybe...
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 6:13 pm
He felt a stupid flutter in his stomach as Michael came into view, looking relaxed and clean. Caspian tried to tamp down on it, and on the confusing mixture of anticipation and anxiousness in his chest as well, because this was, after all, his own idea. He’d wanted this, to be here with Michael. He wanted to get to know him better, in all different ways.
Relax.
It was a lot easier said than done, especially since Michael looked...extremely good. Caspian forced his gaze away from the strength in his arms and up to his face, smiling a little crookedly.
“They fit fine,” he said, which was true. Caspian plucked at the neckline. “I like them a little bigger, actually, so I’m good. I’m comfortable in them; you know my style well,” he added, a little teasingly, looking up at Michael as he dropped his hand back down to his side again.
He lapsed into silence for a moment and then stepped forward, feeling his pulse quicken. Caspian’s gaze flickered to Michael’s face, a little smile curving the edges of his lips upwards. He lifted a hand and gently touched the side of Michael’s jaw, trailing extremely light fingers that barely grazed across the stubble that was still there.
“I really do like this look on you,” he said softly, as he lowered his hand. “It works for you, you know.”
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 10:05 pm
Michael drew in a small breath, and let it out slowly, glad that Caspian liked his clothes, even though they were a little big. He still thought it might have been a little weird. He wasn’t exactly the gift buying type, but got them for more practical reasons.
He wondered if Caspian might like more gifts, and not just the clothing kind. Not that he really knew what he could possibly get. Sure there was the typical stuff, but that didn’t seem very meaningful. As if a tee-shirt and pants was anything meaningful.
He was pulled from his thoughts as Caspian approached him and lifted his hand to touch his jaw and the stubble that covered it. Michael’s gaze caught Caspian’s, his stomach twisting a little as those soft fingers moved over his jaw.
“You think so?” he asked, the emotion behind his eyes earnest and searching as he pulled a hand from his pocket and lifted it up to take hold of Caspian’s as it was lowered. “If you like it, then I’ll keep it,” he told him, lifting Caspian’s hand to his mouth, lightly kissing the knuckle of each finger. He didn’t take his eyes off Caspian, enjoying the small smile that curved his lips just slightly.
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Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2016 8:21 am
Caspian’s breath caught in his throat as Michael’s fingers curled around his own, stopping him from lowering his hand completely. The soft, light kisses that followed made his heart flutter, made Caspian feel slightly warm, his cheeks heating as he stood there, letting Michael kiss each finger.
“I do like it,” he said quietly.
Just like I like you.
He took a step forward, Caspian’s free hand curling in the hem of Michael’s shirt. He kept his gaze on Michael’s eyes, his heart beating faster, his pulse too quick beneath his skin. Caspian drank in the sight of him: the strong jawline roughened with a little stubble, the mahogany hair, still damp, swept back away from his forehead, the blue eyes that were gazing at him so intensely.
A little self consciously, Caspian shifted his hand, sliding his fingers so that they were moving in between each of Michael’s. He fitted them together, palm to palm, and held on loosely, as though afraid of holding on too tightly as he took a second step forward.
It was just the two of them here. That was it. There was no Peter to interrupt, no patrons to be considerate about, no sister to burst in at any moment. Just himself and Michael, figuring out slowly, quietly, what this thing between them was.
It felt fragile and exhilarating, terrifying and wonderful. Caspian swallowed hard, his eyes searching Michael’s.
“You’re really here,” he whispered. “Right in front of me.”
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Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:14 pm
His heart was already beating too fast for his chest. He knew it was because he felt strongly for Caspian, but he couldn’t imagine it was very good to have his blood racing like this so often. Michael wondered if there might be something wrong with the both of them for reacting in such a way.
Caspian slid his fingers between Michael’s, and he adjusted his grip to accommodate. The hand holding to the hem of his shirt didn’t bother him, although he was still a little concerned about the obvious hesitancy. They were both playing it safe, afraid that the wrong move would ruin whatever it was they had. Both trying desperately to hold onto it a little longer, just in case it wasn’t meant to be.
Michael gave Caspian’s hand a gentle squeeze, moving himself away from the doorway. He lifted his free hand to place on Caspian’s cheek, tucking his hair behind his ear.
“Don’t say it like that…” he laughed softly, and shook his head, “You make me sound like I’m… something rare and special…” Michael shook his head again, but he didn’t question it. Instead, he gently tilted Caspian’s chin up and leaned down to kiss him.
It was just a gentle kiss, but one that he tentatively put his heart into. “You’re the one who is rare and special…”
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Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2016 7:51 pm
Each gentle touch was met with a quick inhale of breath, a flickering in Caspian’s eyes. Michael’s hand was gentle as it smoothed hair behind his ear; a tender, sweet gesture that felt intimate and familiar in a way that Caspian was coming to know, coming to like. He tilted his head into Michael’s hand, pressed his flushed cheek into his palm.
Michael’s laughter was wonderful, however brief it was. Caspian felt a smile tug at his lips, but a second later it was gone as Michael leaned down to kiss him, his eyes fluttering shut, the smile morphing into an expression of breathless anxiety a split second before, because -
-because what if he wasn’t good enough? What if Michael changed his mind once they had gone a little farther?
But Caspian felt the warmth in the kiss, in the words. He let out a disbelieving sort of laugh himself, startled into it, and bit his lip, his eyes meeting Michael’s once more.
“You are rare,” he said quietly. “There isn’t anyone like you.”
And he hoped there never would be. Caspian’s fingers slid free of Michael’s and both of his hands moved to rest on Michael’s sides, fingers curling in the fabric, because he wasn’t tall enough to wrap his arms around Michael’s shoulders and bring him down for a kiss. He’d have to stand on tiptoes or be picked up.
Taking a step closer, so that they were now barely an inch apart, Caspian pushed up just a little and pressed his lips briefly to Michael’s collarbone, where he could reach without straining too much; then leaned back to look at Michael.
“You’re the one that I want to be with,” he said, very softly.
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Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2016 8:39 pm
Michael hadn’t been sure what he saw as he leaned closer to kiss Caspian. A hint of panic, perhaps? Was there something Caspian was still worried about? Was Michael doing something to upset him?
Caspian pulled his hands away and replaced them against Michael’s sides, and he let him. He took his now freed hand to use to frame Caspian’s face with the other, his fingers pushing back the dark hair that fell into Caspian’s face.
His hands slid to Caspian’s neck and shoulders as he leaned closer to kiss his collarbone, although not yet leaning down to help make the distance easier to cross. Instead, he frowned softly at Caspian, wishing there was something he could do to take that sadness from his eyes.
It was still there; Michael could see it. Whether it was sadness from something internal or if something else was upsetting him, Michael wasn’t sure. But it was there, and he hated it.
“No one is like you, Cas… I’ve been all over the world, met hundreds of people. Spoke to them, laughed with them, shared stories with them…” he said, still frowning sadly in concern. “You’ve seen me at my worst and you’re still…”
Michael stopped himself and shook his head. This wasn’t what he wanted to get into. He didn’t really want to start talking about himself when he wanted this to be able Caspian feeling good about himself, and wanted, and needed, and everything in between.
“I don’t know if I’m good enough for someone like you, Cas… I want to be, but… I don’t know if I can.”
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Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 8:41 pm
He knew, too well, the fragility of the space between them; but with that fragility came a warmth and a comfort and a desire that Caspian could not have ignored if he’d wanted to. It curled in his stomach, pulsed through his veins, swept through his mind and reminded him, softly, quietly, that this was what he wanted.
Michael was what he wanted.
The hands that touched his face were caring, sweet. They slid down, held his shoulders, reminded him that he was protected, cared for...adored, even, if he allowed himself that. Michael was here in front of him, and he was just as anxious and unsure as Caspian, wavering in his own self-confidence and still with that same edge of deprecation.
But the anxiousness came with something else in Michael’s eyes that made Caspian want him even more.
His hands shifted, letting go of Michael’s shirt. Caspian pushed them between Michael’s arms so that his own arms were resting on top of Michael’s his hands curling around his upper arms with his fingers tightening in his sleeves. Caspian pushed himself up onto his tiptoes, his eyes fixed on Michael’s, his heart thundering in his chest.
"As long as you want me too,” he said quietly, “Then you’re good enough for me.”
His expression softened, Caspian’s expression almost pained, but it was because he wanted, more than ever, for Michael to understand this very simple, basic fact.
”You,” he whispered. ”You, Michael. You’re the only one I want.”
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Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:55 pm
There was nothing Michael could say that would describe what it was that he could sense between himself and Caspian. There was understanding and trust between them, but still that hesitance they both had, possibly crippling them in their attempts to try and be closer to each other.
Everything Caspian said, Michael desperately wanted to be true. He wanted it to be okay, as long as he wanted Caspian, too. That he was the only one Caspian wanted. It was… exhilarating and terrifying, because so many things could go wrong, but he wanted this tender, gentle thing that Caspian offered to him.
When Caspian moved his arms up onto his own, he took hold of him, sliding his hands just under Caspian’s arms, against his shoulder blades. He stared down at him with longing and hope and desire and so many other things that he didn’t know how to describe, but he knew that he wanted it all to be true.
The pained expression on Caspian’s face was enough to make his heart ache, and he did the first thing he could think of to try and alleviate that pain. Michael slid his arms down enough to be able to practically lift Caspian off the floor as he leaned down to kiss him, almost desperate in its unintended intensity. It was as though Michael was trying to show Caspian everything about himself without actually saying anything out loud.
It was painful, he knew; the emotions being placed into the kiss. Caspian had the right to know just how broken Michael felt before he completely committed. There was pain and anguish and longing. Desire that he was afraid would never be fulfilled, loneliness that threatened to consume him sometimes.
There was also affection, and tenderness, and concern, and sympathy, and everything that had been drawn out thanks to Caspian’s help. He could only hope that Caspian would still be willing to help him with the burden he still carried.
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Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2016 7:13 am
For a few seconds, the space between them was tangible, however small. Caspian was staring up at Michael, breathless and trying desperately for him to understand this concept; and Michael was staring back, his eyes wide, his expression similar to Caspian’s, a mixture of everything spoken and unspoken. The air was thick, and everything was there, laid out in front, his heart open for Michael to see -
- and then Michael was kissing him, and everything else came to a crashing, screeching halt.
It felt like he was being swept away.
As Michael’s hands gripped him and lifted, Caspian reacted instinctively, body moving of its own accord, as though he’d been waiting, somewhere in the back of his mind, for something like this to happen. He pushed up at the same time, so that he was lifted easily, and Caspian’s legs wrapped around Michael’s waist to hold on, his arms wrapping around his neck.
Like this, they were almost the same height, Caspian elevated slightly, so that neither one of them had to strain. Caspian kissed back just as desperately, just as intensely, his hands sliding into Michael’s hair, his breathing coming out fast and uneven. Fingers slid down Michael’s jaw, then back up, and down again, Caspian cradling Michael’s face between his shaking palms.
He’d been kissed before, and he’d kissed before, but not like this, never like this. Not like the entire world was in his palms, not like he mattered, like Michael was trying to convey every emotion, every part of his heart into what he was offering, and Caspian accepted it almost greedily, drinking it in, his heart hammering against his chest.
Give me all of it, he thought dizzily, as he broke away to breathe in sharp, ragged breaths, his forehead pressed against Michael’s, Caspian’s face scarlet. He looked down at Michael through half-lidded eyes, his thumbs smoothing over his cheeks, and his expression was aching as his eyes met Michael’s, unwilling to draw away.
Give me your weight, your pain, your loneliness, your anxiety, your affection, and your warmth.
I will carry it all with you.
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Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2016 11:52 am
If it hadn’t been such a natural reaction, Michael might have been surprised by the way Caspian pulled himself up to wrap his legs around his waist. The elevation made it much easier to kiss him, and Michael kept his arms securely around Caspian to make sure he wouldn’t slip or fall, soaking in the warmth and comfort he offered.
Michael tilted his head up to meet Caspian’s gaze, their foreheads pressed together, his eyes filled with too many emotions all at once. He was afraid that if he gave too much of himself that Caspian would drown under the weight. But Caspian, who had no need to know the horrors of pain and suffering and death, was holding tightly to him, refusing to let go.
There was a warmth that Michael wasn’t used to, filling his heart, filling the broken pieces inside him. It wasn’t enough to fix everything, but maybe over time…
It was almost as if he could sense the pull from Caspian with his eyes, with the feel of his hands over his face, his fingers gently touching his cheeks in a way that felt so affectionate and almost… almost a little like… -
No, he was overthinking it, especially with how resolved Caspian was in staying by him. Michael was confusing his own feeling with what Caspian might feel for him…
His own feelings… like flying… soaring and not knowing how to land but not being afraid because he could easily fly forever. And yet, flying and falling were synonymous. And Michael knew he was falling fast.
Heart beating too fast, his mind spinning, Michael pulled his forehead away from Caspian’s, but only so he could glance over his shoulder, making sure he didn’t run into anything or trip as he backed up into his bedroom. They were still fully clothed, but that didn’t matter for Michael to convey how he felt. The irony wasn’t lost on him, as he never before cared more about the emotions and feelings behind the physical nature of being with someone. And he wanted to be with Caspian in every way he could.
Michael kept one arm around Caspian’s back, his other hand reaching down to hold onto one of his legs that were wrapped around his waist so he wouldn’t slip, or let any kind of nervousness overtake him that would make him think he should get down. Kneeling onto his bed was simple enough, but he took great care in how he lowered Caspian’s head onto the pillows below as he rested on his forearms above him, staring into Caspian’s eyes in quiet reassurance.
Fingers gently curled around Caspian’s shoulder from underneath him with one hand, while Michael lifted his other to brush back his dark hair. Once more, he leaned closer to kiss him deeply, his heart open and sharing with Caspian all the pain and joy he felt at once.
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