Insecure about love relationship

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

Hi ! I'm 26. It's the first time that I met a guy and we both have the interest of dating each other. In the past it was always one sided for me, or for guys who were interested in me.

So, can you imagine ? I'm finally dating at 26 with a lot of feelings that I've never experienced before. I've always believed that I would like to get to know a guy like a friend first before dating. However, with this guy we kissed on the second date soo.... we are not friends obviously.

My friend doesn't know that guy much, he was a old classmate of her boyfriend in high school. She told me he recently broke up with his girlfriend, and he is interested in getting to know me more for dating.

I thought why not , I've talked to that guy before , he seemed kind.

I was curious of why he broke up with his ex. Just to have an idea if I am a filler.

So, in one date I asked him. He said his girlfriend has sclerosis. He ended the relationship because he wanted something else in live.
I asked him if she was going to die. He said no, but she could be in a wheeling chair. I asked if he knew about his illness before dating her. He said they knew it only at the middle. Then, He said it was a mutual breakup because she was the one who brought up the discussion, because she felt he was distant. They didn't not want the same thing in life. So they broke up. It has been 2 months and he did his grief.
So I asked are you still friend with her? He said yes, we meet like once a month. Then he told me , don't worry about my ex, if I wasn't ready I wouldn't have asked you out.

Our lovey dovey date became so down because of that conversation. So

I was so shocked about his reason of breakup. Basically, it was like a selfish reason that he doesn't want to be with a unhealthy person the rest of his life.

It has been 2 weeks that I am dating him. We kiss a lot. There's that physical attraction between us. He also tell me that he likes my personality. I also like his personality. He was curious why I was attracted to him, so I told him I was looking at a serious man, outgoing , kind...

In our next date, I want to ask him if we are going to be serious or not. He already told me he would like to present his friends to me. It's just we don't know each other for long so we are waiting.

I really like him, but at the same time I feel so insecure. I'm afraid to be heartbroken.

I've talked about it with my friends, they seem that they don't want to tell me what they think. One said, just go day by day, and see how it goes.  

[cool4]

His reason for ending his past relationship is fair enough, taking care of someone who is ill isn't for everyone. On the other side, Though Long term relationship, that leads to Marriage, Children, a Lifetime together, ect. you can't just leave when someone is sick.

On the other side you're just getting to know each other, so what happened in the past shouldn't matter to much, and it should be about figuring out what you both want in life on your own, and together.

If you ask him if you guys are serious, clarify what that means to you, such as Exclusive, Monogamous, anything else that concerns you.

If he wants you to meet his friends, it is usually a good sign that he wants to include you in his life.

Try not to think about getting heart broken, and consider if it does happen the relationship is something you can learn from.

In the Early stages your friend is right take it day by day. If in a few months/years things are still going well start talking about the long term.

I've been in a relationship 4 years now. After 3 we decided to move in to an apartment together, The key is to always communicate when you have a problem.  

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

cool4

His reason for ending his past relationship is fair enough, taking care of someone who is ill isn't for everyone. On the other side, Though Long term relationship, that leads to Marriage, Children, a Lifetime together, ect. you can't just leave when someone is sick.

On the other side you're just getting to know each other, so what happened in the past shouldn't matter to much, and it should be about figuring out what you both want in life on your own, and together.

If you ask him if you guys are serious, clarify what that means to you, such as Exclusive, Monogamous, anything else that concerns you.

If he wants you to meet his friends, it is usually a good sign that he wants to include you in his life.

Try not to think about getting heart broken, and consider if it does happen the relationship is something you can learn from.

In the Early stages your friend is right take it day by day. If in a few months/years things are still going well start talking about the long term.

I've been in a relationship 4 years now. After 3 we decided to move in to an apartment together, The key is to always communicate when you have a problem.

Thanks cool4, you always give good advice.

Because it has not been long that I know him and date him, it seems too early to ask him, are we in a exclusive relationship? Do you love me or just physically?...

Someone told me to wait 1 month. Another one told me to wait for a love confession from him... neutral
And that words are hard to trust, because I don't know him much, no one know him much around me.

Maybe there's not really a specific way to do it, but I have to wait since it has only been 2 weeks that we are together.

I'm already in love with him ...  

[cool4]

XxAriaxX

cool4

His reason for ending his past relationship is fair enough, taking care of someone who is ill isn't for everyone. On the other side, Though Long term relationship, that leads to Marriage, Children, a Lifetime together, ect. you can't just leave when someone is sick.

On the other side you're just getting to know each other, so what happened in the past shouldn't matter to much, and it should be about figuring out what you both want in life on your own, and together.

If you ask him if you guys are serious, clarify what that means to you, such as Exclusive, Monogamous, anything else that concerns you.

If he wants you to meet his friends, it is usually a good sign that he wants to include you in his life.

Try not to think about getting heart broken, and consider if it does happen the relationship is something you can learn from.

In the Early stages your friend is right take it day by day. If in a few months/years things are still going well start talking about the long term.

I've been in a relationship 4 years now. After 3 we decided to move in to an apartment together, The key is to always communicate when you have a problem.

Thanks cool4, you always give good advice.

Because it has not been long that I know him and date him, it seems too early to ask him, are we in a exclusive relationship? Do you love me or just physically?...

Someone told me to wait 1 month. Another one told me to wait for a love confession from him... neutral
And that words are hard to trust, because I don't know him much, no one know him much around me.

Maybe there's not really a specific way to do it, but I have to wait since it has only been 2 weeks that we are together.

I'm already in love with him ...

I'm also a big believer in sharing how you feel when you feel it. There aren't really rules, you just have to decide if the risk is worth taking.  

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

cool4

XxAriaxX

cool4

His reason for ending his past relationship is fair enough, taking care of someone who is ill isn't for everyone. On the other side, Though Long term relationship, that leads to Marriage, Children, a Lifetime together, ect. you can't just leave when someone is sick.

On the other side you're just getting to know each other, so what happened in the past shouldn't matter to much, and it should be about figuring out what you both want in life on your own, and together.

If you ask him if you guys are serious, clarify what that means to you, such as Exclusive, Monogamous, anything else that concerns you.

If he wants you to meet his friends, it is usually a good sign that he wants to include you in his life.

Try not to think about getting heart broken, and consider if it does happen the relationship is something you can learn from.

In the Early stages your friend is right take it day by day. If in a few months/years things are still going well start talking about the long term.

I've been in a relationship 4 years now. After 3 we decided to move in to an apartment together, The key is to always communicate when you have a problem.

Thanks cool4, you always give good advice.

Because it has not been long that I know him and date him, it seems too early to ask him, are we in a exclusive relationship? Do you love me or just physically?...

Someone told me to wait 1 month. Another one told me to wait for a love confession from him... neutral
And that words are hard to trust, because I don't know him much, no one know him much around me.

Maybe there's not really a specific way to do it, but I have to wait since it has only been 2 weeks that we are together.

I'm already in love with him ...

I'm also a big believer in sharing how you feel when you feel it. There aren't really rules, you just have to decide if the risk is worth taking.

Hi Cool 4, I want to give you an update.

He said sometimes I feel guilty that I left her for that reason (her illness). I asked him do you still love her ? He paused before answering and said no but we remained friends. I think maybe this is a lie. I think he still loves her but know he cant continue this relationship and so he ended it and wanted to find something else. I asked if she was hurt about his decision, he said no because he was honest with her.  He told me to not worry about her, that I am the one he is thinking. 

I decided to trust him otherwise the relationship (us) cannot continue. 

At the same time, I try to understand him.
4 years is a long relationship. It is possible that they remain friends.
My friends have been trying to help me see better the situation saying : Oh well guys get over break up easily. There's a reason for every break up. They left each other for a reason so they won't go back together. He probably still feeling affection to her.

When dating with him, he sometimes talk about her.
I told him, I am a reserved person, I don't go out a lot. I often stay home. He said, my ex was like that too I don't mind.

Or when I told him, I don't like going to the club. He said again the same thing : my ex was like that too I don't mind.


So it has been 4 weeks that we dated. and in 4 weeks he mentioned her 3 times.

----------------------------------------------------------
I know jealousy BREAKs relationship. So, I'm trying to understand him. My friend told me to tell him to not be friends with his ex. I don't think it is something I can ask. I can't tell someone to not be friends with someone else.  

[cool4]

Honestly my boyfriend and I end up in little moments where you think of an ex. It's never struck me as a big deal.

4 years is quite a lot of your life, so I can see memories of a different time floating in. You never stop loving someone you just learn when to move on.  

[cool4]

My ex had a girl tell me not to be friends. It's rude and shows you don't trust him, or are willing to trust him. Also he broke up with her after she did that. Honestly let it ride itself. He decided to move on from her so he has.  

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

cool4

Honestly my boyfriend and I end up in little moments where you think of an ex. It's never struck me as a big deal.

4 years is quite a lot of your life, so I can see memories of a different time floating in. You never stop loving someone you just learn when to move on.

How do you know when you have moved on ?

Some people say it's when you stop thinking that you want to be with that person but in my boyfriend case it is not. He doesn't want to be with her because of her illness. He feels bad about it , he wants to be a friend instead.
It seems I didn't mention here that I talked with him about his ex. Saying that people think I am his rebound, he dated her for a long time and broke off recently (2months). He told me I am not his rebound, he sees her as a friend. I told him accept he sees her. He was happy about it. I told him why there's nothing about us on social media, he said he didn't not want his ex to see that he is with me. I accepted that he do not show anything to not hurt her, because it has been 2 months and it is too early. However, I didn't expect that he tells me his love story with her, and then he started to have flashbacks of their happy and bad moments. He was crying . He said we should slow down our relationship because he realized that it affects him more than he thought.

It broke my heart.

I thought to give him a break. He told me that we can still see each other , enjoying, just not to force things...

So we saw each other 2 days after , we continued dating. Then 2 weeks after he told me to slow down, I told him I felt it wasn't right to do intimate things if he has not moved on, he told me he had overhelming emotions that day, and he now feels he turned a page and is ready....

So, here is my problem. I doubt him a little. I dunno what to ask him to know if he has really moved on ...

Is it to feel nothing about the past? Not possible right?

I just don't know..

Thanks in advance O_O... I write a lot.  

[cool4]

XxAriaxX

cool4

Honestly my boyfriend and I end up in little moments where you think of an ex. It's never struck me as a big deal.

4 years is quite a lot of your life, so I can see memories of a different time floating in. You never stop loving someone you just learn when to move on.

How do you know when you have moved on ?

Some people say it's when you stop thinking that you want to be with that person but in my boyfriend case it is not. He doesn't want to be with her because of her illness. He feels bad about it , he wants to be a friend instead.
It seems I didn't mention here that I talked with him about his ex. Saying that people think I am his rebound, he dated her for a long time and broke off recently (2months). He told me I am not his rebound, he sees her as a friend. I told him accept he sees her. He was happy about it. I told him why there's nothing about us on social media, he said he didn't not want his ex to see that he is with me. I accepted that he do not show anything to not hurt her, because it has been 2 months and it is too early. However, I didn't expect that he tells me his love story with her, and then he started to have flashbacks of their happy and bad moments. He was crying . He said we should slow down our relationship because he realized that it affects him more than he thought.

It broke my heart.

I thought to give him a break. He told me that we can still see each other , enjoying, just not to force things...

So we saw each other 2 days after , we continued dating. Then 2 weeks after he told me to slow down, I told him I felt it wasn't right to do intimate things if he has not moved on, he told me he had overhelming emotions that day, and he now feels he turned a page and is ready....

So, here is my problem. I doubt him a little. I dunno what to ask him to know if he has really moved on ...

Is it to feel nothing about the past? Not possible right?

I just don't know..

Thanks in advance O_O... I write a lot.

You know you moved on when you accept that you're not going to be with that person. Whatever the reasons may be. If you still think you're going to get them back, date them, or otherwise, then you aren't ready to move on.

The Rebound Idea comes from the idea that some people need to date someone else to cut their ties with the previous partner. I never really go through that, because I've always looked at relationships in terms of long term goals.

I also don't get the obsession people have with being social media official. My boyfriend and I were listed on facebook for maybe 2 months before he deleted his account. My advice to you would be to stop asking him questions about his ex, he's answering truthfully which is nice, but it also means you're letting him focus on her and his feelings towards her, but not on the relationship that is progressing between the two of you.  

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

cool4

You know you moved on when you accept that you're not going to be with that person. Whatever the reasons may be. If you still think you're going to get them back, date them, or otherwise, then you aren't ready to move on.

The Rebound Idea comes from the idea that some people need to date someone else to cut their ties with the previous partner. I never really go through that, because I've always looked at relationships in terms of long term goals.

I also don't get the obsession people have with being social media official. My boyfriend and I were listed on facebook for maybe 2 months before he deleted his account. My advice to you would be to stop asking him questions about his ex, he's answering truthfully which is nice, but it also means you're letting him focus on her and his feelings towards her, but not on the relationship that is progressing between the two of you.

I feel I need to know, because I want to know if he has really moved on.

He has flashblacks about his ex while being with me. He looks sad sometimes even teary. That's something I asked about during the big conversation I had. He told me he was having flashbacks.

If he has moved on, he wouldn't be like this.

Is it fair to date me, when he is like this ?

Is it fair that he hides me from his ex because he doesn't want to hurt her.

Is it fair that he hides everytime he talks to her ?

I feel it's unfair for me. My friend told me it's normal to have flashbacks... That's why at the beginning I let it go, but now how I feel, it's unfair.  

[cool4]

XxAriaxX

cool4

You know you moved on when you accept that you're not going to be with that person. Whatever the reasons may be. If you still think you're going to get them back, date them, or otherwise, then you aren't ready to move on.

The Rebound Idea comes from the idea that some people need to date someone else to cut their ties with the previous partner. I never really go through that, because I've always looked at relationships in terms of long term goals.

I also don't get the obsession people have with being social media official. My boyfriend and I were listed on facebook for maybe 2 months before he deleted his account. My advice to you would be to stop asking him questions about his ex, he's answering truthfully which is nice, but it also means you're letting him focus on her and his feelings towards her, but not on the relationship that is progressing between the two of you.

I feel I need to know, because I want to know if he has really moved on.

He has flashblacks about his ex while being with me. He looks sad sometimes even teary. That's something I asked about during the big conversation I had. He told me he was having flashbacks.

If he has moved on, he wouldn't be like this.

Is it fair to date me, when he is like this ?

Is it fair that he hides me from his ex because he doesn't want to hurt her.

Is it fair that he hides everytime he talks to her ?

I feel it's unfair for me. My friend told me it's normal to have flashbacks... That's why at the beginning I let it go, but now how I feel, it's unfair.

Flashbacks are normal, I still think of my ex from time to time. But The romantic feelings about him aren't there anymore. I think if I constantly had to talk about him with my new partner, or answer questions I would be thinking about him a lot more then I do.

How he handles his ex is up to him. If you can't live with the fact that he's hiding you from his ex, and that he still talks to her the relationship isn't going to work out.

You're insecure so you're asking him a bunch of things about this girl, What does she actually mean to him? Can you live with being with him, while he has feelings for that girl. If the answer is No, maybe it's time to say no to this relationship.

I've accepted that people have feelings for others outside of the immediate relationship, but it's choosing which of those feelings to act on. If he still has romantic feelings for the ex, if he wants to pursue the relationship with you maybe it is reasonable he cuts the friendship with the ex. If he wasn't talking to her still would you be okay with it? I think it's a little petty to expect people to end friendships over a relationship. But it's a little different if there is a sexual/Romantic Chemistry.

Life's not fair, and a relationship isn't about things being fair, it's about making each other happier and supporting each other no matter how terrible the circumstances. My partners going through some personal stuff with a previous relationship, it's incredibly difficult seeing the past dug up, but I have to stand by him regardless.

People develop histories, and I truly believe the measure of if they are worthwhile is in how they have changed from who they were then, and how they handle themselves now. I don't want to know about every previous relationship, except when the circumstances affect the future one may have with said person.

Do you trust him? Can you build that trust? Try answering those questions.  

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

cool4

Thanks Cool4. I've told him before that I accept that he sees his ex as a friend, and if there's anything that happen I need to know.

I know I cannot tell him to cut ties with her. It was pretty clear when he talked about her, he didn't want to cut ties, he wants to take care of her as a friend and he told me he would feel a lot better if she finds a man that can love her with her illness. Otherwise, he wants to be there for her.

I will one day talk about it with him, I need to understand what's going on, I need to know if he had moved on. He was really sad yesterday (teary eyes), he didn't want to tell me why. I felt it was probably about his ex. I don't want to be the rebound. If he has unresolved issue with her in a romantic way. He needs to end the relationship with me.

I noticed he is a guy that is emotional and has guilty feelings.

He is the one that has the answers. I will talk to him one day. We were busy these days, I also don't want to disturb his working schedule, so I am waiting for the weekend.

Thanks for your advice I'm understanding more relationships.

I really have little experience. People having flashback and stuff like that, I have not experienced it in romantic relationship. *sigh* I'm a past mid tweenty that don't know much about relationship.  

[cool4]

XxAriaxX

cool4

Thanks Cool4. I've told him before that I accept that he sees his ex as a friend, and if there's anything that happen I need to know.

I know I cannot tell him to cut ties with her. It was pretty clear when he talked about her, he didn't want to cut ties, he wants to take care of her as a friend and he told me he would feel a lot better if she finds a man that can love her with her illness. Otherwise, he wants to be there for her.

I will one day talk about it with him, I need to understand what's going on, I need to know if he had moved on. He was really sad yesterday (teary eyes), he didn't want to tell me why. I felt it was probably about his ex. I don't want to be the rebound. If he has unresolved issue with her in a romantic way. He needs to end the relationship with me.

I noticed he is a guy that is emotional and has guilty feelings.

He is the one that has the answers. I will talk to him one day. We were busy these days, I also don't want to disturb his working schedule, so I am waiting for the weekend.

Thanks for your advice I'm understanding more relationships.

I really have little experience. People having flashback and stuff like that, I have not experienced it in romantic relationship. *sigh* I'm a past mid tweenty that don't know much about relationship.

No one really does understand them. I like the quote you aren't going to always love them every moment, but you choose to be with them at the end of the day.  

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

cool4

He lied to me to have spent the day alone, when he saw his ex and his ex gave him a gift to give to his nephew. When I asked who bought this he said it's himself. When I confronted him 1 week later he admitted it.

So I told him my trust has lowered, and that he lies so well, that I wouldn't know, what he tells me is true or not and that I will only look into his actions. So, he is trying to convince me, he comes often to see me, he changed his cellphone background to a picture of us. He loved all pictures on my facebook. I never told him to do this, he is the one that is doing all those things, that I believe he wants me to trust him back. Yet, I am not. Because, he still has flashback while dating me. He has teary eyes, or he looks lost and perturbed. Then, he looks at me and says I love you.

He invited to go traveling in the South for 1 week with his friend (a girl that want to plan her vacation with him and her friends, that I've never met), but I have classes at University and I have a part-time job that is hard to ask vacation when I am not there for like a year. I told him it's weird to travel with a friend that I've never met. Hearing that, he said if you come you can just stay with me, if you cannot I wont go .. If you are not there, what will I do with them.

However, a few weeks later, when his friend asked him if he is coming, he said yes. he is planning to go with her, even without me.

So, once again, what he says is not consistent. He changed his mind....  

[cool4]

XxAriaxX

cool4

He lied to me to have spent the day alone, when he saw his ex and his ex gave him a gift to give to his nephew. When I asked who bought this he said it's himself. When I confronted him 1 week later he admitted it.

So I told him my trust has lowered, and that he lies so well, that I wouldn't know, what he tells me is true or not and that I will only look into his actions. So, he is trying to convince me, he comes often to see me, he changed his cellphone background to a picture of us. He loved all pictures on my facebook. I never told him to do this, he is the one that is doing all those things, that I believe he wants me to trust him back. Yet, I am not. Because, he still has flashback while dating me. He has teary eyes, or he looks lost and perturbed. Then, he looks at me and says I love you.

He invited to go traveling in the South for 1 week with his friend (a girl that want to plan her vacation with him and her friends, that I've never met), but I have classes at University and I have a part-time job that is hard to ask vacation when I am not there for like a year. I told him it's weird to travel with a friend that I've never met. Hearing that, he said if you come you can just stay with me, if you cannot I wont go .. If you are not there, what will I do with them.

However, a few weeks later, when his friend asked him if he is coming, he said yes. he is planning to go with her, even without me.

So, once again, what he says is not consistent. He changed his mind....

You gave him a hard no?

Trust takes time to build. He knows his ex makes you uncomfortable, lying about seeing her was very much trying to keep you from being hurt by it. I think the things he's doing to make up for it are very superficial. He said he won't go on the vacation without you, make it clear you can't go, if he still goes he's not following what he has said and he's not worth the time. If he stays behind then he's just trying to keep you and his ex from being hurt.