[PRP] Know Me Better [FIN]

[Chrystali]

 

[Chrystali]

█║ WHO: Cesc, Zul
█║ WHEN: Happy Hour: 6pm
█║ WHERE: 2nd & Main
█║ WEATHER: Balmy, the setting sun makes for a comfortable setting

It'd been a long time. When was the last time he'd seen Cesc? Was it the hospital?

That had been the turning point for both of them, hadn't it?

The demon hovered near the back of the bar, sharp blue eyes turned out over the patio, idly turning a small glass between his fingers, silent save for the soft clink of ice from his empty drink. He knew it was about time of the agreed meeting, but he was also fairly certain Cesc wouldn't have a problem finding him, given that he was the only patron of the bar with wings and horns glowing softly in the light cut by the setting sun. Zul, as he used to be, would have been chatting it up with strangers, flirting, leaning over the bar. Zul, as he was now, held a quieter air about him, not dour but distant. He was certain that in the years gone by, Alex's behavior had alerted the bakery trio that something was off, but it was the first time he himself had reached out.

He'd needed time to heal. And now, floating there, he was no closer to feeling better than when he'd retreated.

Another ice cube clinked as it shifted, and with a soft sigh and not so much as a downward glance, the glass abruptly became cold enough that the cubes fused inside. For all his attempt of reconnecting with the stag that had seen him in ways none other had, he really...had no plan of action, no words to turn over in his head. It was more true to the friendship they used to have, flying by the seat of their non-existent pants, and that, in some measure, was a comfort.

Despite himself, Zul quirked a small, crooked smile.

Atmadja

 

[Atmadja]

It seemed weirdly fitting that Zul would reach out now, when things were weird but slowly becoming normalized again. He'd realized that in most Raevans' lives--well, most lives in general, if he was honest with himself--nothing stayed stagnant. Things changed, people changed (or wouldn't change), new people filtered in and out of lives. Some left memories, some left scars.

Some left a trail of how to find them again. A thread.

And Rhedefre refused to let go of the thread that would lead him back to Zul.

He'd assumed, rightly or wrongly, that the lack of communication between the both of them had something to do with that golden haired goddess, Melisande. That her preference for Zul, combined with the sweet delicacy of her nature, had made a quietness between the the two of them and himself. She didn't want anyone to smart from her decisions. He'd felt too awkward to tell either of them it would have been fine.

Or maybe it wouldn't have been fine in the beginning. But either way, he felt silly now that he'd let it go on for so long.

Cesc pushed into the bar, dressed in a deep turquoise-colored t-shirt, the fabric soft and cool for the approaching heat. He greeted the bartender with a half-wave and almost immediately, his eyes landed on Zul.

"Hey, hey!" he greeted, approaching the baphomet, his eyes warm and full of gladness. He put one hand on Zul's back, but his other arm was outstretched as well, offering a hug of hello. His heart quickened--not until he saw Zul did he realize exactly how much he'd missed him, and how happy he was to see the other Sigel again.  

[Chrystali]

Cesc's familiar voice made his heartbeat leap, and turning, his blue eyes met the amber sun of the stag's and it was like watching a falling star coming right at him. Somehow, the demon had forgotten how brilliant Cesc was, that touch of pure light that he brought. Zul's smile formed full and in earnest, putting his glass down and subconsciously - old habits kicking in, left dormant but not forgotten - raised his body temperature as the other Sigel's hand touched his back. "My friend," he returned with warmth in his voice, twining his arms without hesitation around Cesc in an affectionate embrace complete with a chaste kiss to his cheek.

The stag's scent, his mere presence, brought back their last visit in a flood: the scent of blood, the panic, the whitewash of the hospital walls and the conflicting memories of a Frei with a bleeding eye of sunlight and a tired, relieved Sigel that he'd become. By the time he pulled back, regret held him heavy, heartsick, and it showed in the furrow of his brow, the slight tightness in his smile. Lifting his hands, he rested his gloved palms on either side of Cesc's jaw and neck, a fondness expressed in the best way he knew how. "I forgot how you carry the dawn, somehow," he commented with a wry upward turn of one corner of his mouth, "but it looks good on you, Rhedefre. You look happy."

It was a far cry from the way they'd parted. There was comfort in that, too. Moving one hand, he gestured towards the bar. "Can I treat you to anything?" Words unspoken played out against his tongue but didn't pass his teeth, feeling like he simultaneously wanted to say every errant thought in his head and lock the feeling away so he could just listen to Cesc.  

[Atmadja]

As they embraced, something relaxed in Cesc that the stag hadn't realized was tense. There was a feeling of security that he couldn't quite describe--that he was not being judged or scrutinized or had anything expected of him. Zul had helped him when he'd needed it most, and now they were together again, and that felt like plenty more than he even knew he needed.

As they sat again, though, Cesc noticed the tightness in Zul's expression, and he filed it away to ask about when they were settled. He could not, he realized, quite return that compliment.

"Do I?" the stag laughed, his expression boyish. "That's good to hear! Things could certainly be worse.

He leaned into the bar and his gaze flicked to the waiting bartender, who greeted them after Zul's question, then back to Zul. "Sure," said Cesc. "I wouldn't say no to a beer if I can get your next round." He addressed the bartender. "I'll take an IPA, whatever one you think is good. And another one of whatever that was for him, yeh?"

As the bartender retreated to fill the orders, he looked back at Zul, weighing how to best continue. He settled on an innocuous: "It's been too long! How are things? Tell me everything so I don't feel so out of touch."  

[Chrystali]

"Maybe." His noncommittal response to the offer to treat him was accompanied with a smile, a ghost of the playfulness he used to wear.

Settling with Cesc, he simply nodded to the bartender when his frozen glass was taken, blue gaze resting upon the other's as he began to speak. Zul offered a faint smile and a shrug, opening his mouth to speak, pausing, and then exhaling through his nose slowly. "It is...hard to think of where to start," he admitted after a few moments of silence, gaze flicking away as though the wood of their seating had the answer.

He knew the answer, it just wasn't easy to figure out how to say it and make sense of the years of having left it to rot.

Sitting upright, he forced his eyes to return to Cesc, and this time, his expression was drawn and absent of a smile. "It has been too long indeed, and for that, I am sorry." The words felt heavy in his mouth and fell like lead. "The last time we saw each other was...a hard time for you and deeply confusing for me. I...made a mistake, and Lex paid the price." The demon's expression was unmoving, save for the barest flicker of a flinch in his eyes. "Since then, things have been tumultuous at best." His brows furrowed, his eyes speaking of the knowledge that Cesc likely already knew, but perhaps without details.

The drink order came and Zul flashed an automatic smile are the barkeep, one that wilted around the edges after he was gone. "I work with Neil off and on still, odd jobs. The past year or two have simply been existing in denial, ignoring the call of my make up and the damage I've done. Making sure it doesn't bleed into the lives of my loves. Avoiding others so I might not stain their lives in turn." Zul shifted his gaze back to Cesc. "And today, for some reason, it was no longer good enough. So here we are, no light topics or beating around the bush."

The smile that formed was more true to the demon's form, gilded with self-depreciation. "If you don't tell me your life has been honey and unicorns, I'm going to be very upset." It was said in a half jest, and half not. He knew now he couldn't actually change how the lives of others played out (Except Lex, his mind whispered), but he wanted to believe Cesc was good and happy.  

[Atmadja]

There had been some stirrings. Vivi had made some comments about Alex's absence that were confused and half-understood and Cesc hadn't pressed about what Vivi clearly was not in the know about either. That, coupled with Cesc's assumptions about Zul's absence, had made for a lot of silence and question marks when it came to the duo.

The bartender put down their drinks and Cesc nodded at him absently, completely focused on trying to make sense of what Zul was saying. Paid the price? What did that mean? How?

Questions coursed through Cesc's brain like a floor. Why hadn't he come for help? Where was Alex now? What could be done? What needed to be done?

And what about Melisande? Had she been somehow pulled into it? Had he left her and Riv to keep them safe from--from whatever--

"Oh, no..." was all Rhedefre could manage to breathe as Zul spoke, his eyebrows knitted and his mouth flat. "Zul, I'm so sorry."

The stag shook his head. "No--don't worry about me. There's nothing going on with me, really. I'm fine--work, silly everyday stuff, that's all." Cesc wet his lips, leaning forward, the beer between his hands. "What's going on with you and Alex? What happened? What can--how can I help?" His eyes glowed a touch stronger as he spoke.  

[Chrystali]

Zul lifted a hand in a gesture that Cesc hardly needed to apologize, subtly shaking his head. The hand lowered, fingers curling around the lip of the glass that was brought to him - a scotch of some sort, this was Rivener's specialty, not his - turning the drink on its edge and watching the golden liquid curl near to his fingers.

"I will always think of you, even if it takes me a few years to say so." His gaze turned to the stag and his smile, though small, was earnest. "No news can be good news, especially after all you and yours endured." A small pang of discontent needled through him, and he knew he'd have to check on Vi and Shep at some point, maybe reach out to others. Right now, though, Cesc was the most important and the only one who would be patient with his blundering words.

Exhaling slowly through his nose, Zul's eyes flickered to the distance, lost focus, and eventually returned to Cesc. Gathering all the information in his head - everything that had happened, the order - was like a verbal admittance of guilt. He'd done it once and it had broken his heart, but he owed this to himself - and to his good friend. "When I came to you, that day," he spoke slowly, words weighed and measured, "it was because we had made a contract." Everything in him screamed that this was not a story to share, but who was he kidding? If he kept it to himself, it diminished his Guardian -- his ex-Guardian. "I can make verbal contracts and we had done so without me being aware."

Shifting, he leaned forward in a mirror of the stag, his heart beating hard against his gorget. "I made one with Lex, unwittingly, the same way. Except it was -- forceful. She didn't agree to it, ah..." Zul exhaled through his lips and shook his head. "She had said the Raevans were her family - we were having a disagreement, mind you - and I had told her that if I could take away her memories of the Raevans, of the Lab, I would. I'd take it away because I didn't want her to get hurt anymore. She laughed and said, 'that'll be the day.' It was enough, apparently." The demon's eyes lowered with the words not yet spoken. They didn't need to be spoken...but they would.

Zul steeled himself, smiling, but it was tight, humorless. "Some time later...the power grew. Enough to make good on my words. Enough to strip her of every memory of the Raevans, the Lab, and everyone associated with it." He swallowed hard, his emotions kept under lock and key inside, though his eyes bled with the guilt he had not truly come to terms with yet. "She doesn't know who I am. She has -- vague memories, of those she met when there were no Raevans around, like...Vi, and Shep. Bear tells me she scarcely remembers Aphismet, and others she used to love are just..." the distance returned to his eyes, brows askew in disbelief, even when all the time that had passed by, "...strangers, now."

His crowned head bowed, dull gaze on the glass that continued its slow spin. "It can't be undone, Cesc."  

[Atmadja]

Cesc put one hand to his mouth as Zul spoke, the color of his skin slowly paling as he continued. Everything around them seemed to melt away into nothing but background noise--the bar, its patrons, everything. The feeling of loss, of grief, radiated for the first time from the demon in all the time he'd known him. All the times before, with everything else Zul had gone through, the baphomet had kept it within, hidden, controlled. But now... Rhedefre felt a little ill and a little dizzy, his stomach tightening and the blood draining from his face and fingers. He swallowed, his throat dry.

Alex...

The image of her filtered through his memory. Laughing with Vivi, getting a piggy back ride from Shepard. Enveloping him into a hug. The fierceness of her gaze, her determination, her loyalty.

No... oh, no.

No, he couldn't focus on that. He couldn't linger on that. He put his beer down on the bar, his other hand falling from his face. For a moment, all breath was gone, his heart thudding hard against his ribs. No, no...

"Zul," he said, his voice thick with grief. His eyes were wet. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Cesc reached out, putting a hand on Zul's shoulder. "I'm so sorry. And you've been going through this alone. I can't imagine. I'm so..." He stopped, his voice trailing away.

Swallowing, he continued. "I... remember that. When you found me. I wondered for a long time how it was possible. But I thought maybe you had something like what I have, the ... the sense." Rhedefre shook his head, his mouth downturned, his cheeks hollow. "Where is she? Is she... is she well?"  

[Chrystali]

He stared hard at the glass between his fingertips, trying to keep a lid on the emotions that were harder and harder to control. The price of his choice was eating him from inside - even demons, it seemed, weren't able to escape that type of hell. Cesc's voice was like a shot through the heart, the glass abruptly pressed onto its bottom so it wouldn't give away the fine tremor that was starting in his fingers.

Zul turned his head only slightly, able to see the stag out of the corner of his eyes, and it hurt it hurt it hurt. Clenching his jaw, he made sure to really look at the stag, to see his hurt, to see what his own carelessness had caused. His lips pressed into a thin, bloodless line, one corner attempting a smile and failing. "I think it happened on the beach," his voice was low, threaded with a husky tone of ill kept thoughts, "but it's all a blur. It seems like a lifetime ago."

The Sigel sighed, his shoulders slumping beneath Cesc's hand. He wasn't so good at talking about how he felt, but her...he could do that. "Lex is fine, actually. More than fine. She only knows she's missing memories because I told her, but it's apparently like a human trying to recall details from grade school - she knows time has passed, things have happened, but it's just not there anymore. There's no -- gaps, no questions. She's fine, at the same house she shares with Neil, like it never happened." The smile finally formed, but there was no happiness there. "I haven't seen her in about a year."

The silver lining was apparently, he had taken her pain away like he wanted to. He just hadn't realized he'd be taking it on himself.  

[Atmadja]

Cesc kept his hand on Zul's shoulder, his fingers squeezing gently. He could see that Zul was suffering, that Zul perhaps even thought he should suffer for it, but he wanted the demon to know that he was here for him. Tangibly, completely present, ready to listen and to help, if he could.

He exhaled in a whoosh, his face crestfallen. The memories, it seemed, were gone--utterly and completely. But Alex was, at the least of it, well and whole and healthy, which was more than Cesc had dared to hope. In the absence of any other hope, he forced himself to see that bright side.

"Oh, Zul..." the stag murmured. "I can't... I can't imagine what you've felt." His expression did not lift, although his eyes became clearer as they searched the demon's face. "Tell me. You've been killing yourself over this, haven't you?" He paused, looking down. "But--hell, you were trying to help her. You can't kill yourself over that."  

[Chrystali]

The laughter that followed Cesc's words was short, abrupt, and an indicator the stag had hit that nail square on the head. "It's my fault, Cesc. All that time after the jungle, convincing myself I'd done what was right and what was best. I did this to her with that same mindframe." Zul shook his head, sighing and running a hand through his hair around his horns. "I tried. I stopped. I realized I could make it worse, so I left her alone."

The worst of it off his chest, Zul leaned back in the chair, eyes tired. "I was a powerful demon, before I was in this form. Not that I imagine that's a secret to anyone," he offered a half-hearted smile, "but the contracts drew attention of demons who knew me. When I was..." He waved a dismissive hand. "Anyway. They've been giving me a hard time with all this -- it's some demonic pissing contest, so it's not like I've had a chance to sit down and deal with things."

He felt light-headed, like finally putting it out in the open had given him some measure of absolution. Maybe it had. "It's always something. But -- with Lex, you can befriend her again, if you wanted. I didn't..." The sigh that escaped him was worn. "I didn't want to take her away from everyone. I just thought she was going to kill herself trying to keep everyone safe. So now I'm killing myself instead. Seems a fair trade off."  

[Atmadja]

Cesc looked down as Zul explained his lineage, and he took a long drink of his neglected beer. The coolness and the bitter aftertaste were refreshing, like pouring water on flame. Blood began to return to his face, although the knot in his stomach did not unclench. He was going to have to go home and tell Shepard and Vivi tonight...

"I mean..." He looked back over at Zul with a wry half-smile. "It's not exactly like any of us can keep our parentage much of a secret." He gestured upward, to his ears and antlers. "And I feel like, at some point, we all have our day of reckoning with it, one way or another. That's what happens, I guess, when you recycle souls. Reincarnation doesn't let you totally forget. I've seen a white stag or two, but nothing much so far. More as I get older, I've noticed that."

Cesc shook his head. "...but stags aren't demons. I have no idea what you must be going through, but if there's any way I can help you, I want to." He locked eyes with the demon, his own gaze becoming calm, determined. "Because it's not a fair trade off. She chose what weight she wanted on her shoulders. She never meant for you to crush yourself under it, I promise you that."  

[Chrystali]

"No, all she ever wanted was love and light, and I took it from her." Zul shook his head and mild disgust, finally lifting his glass and drinking it down in one go. Putting it back on the table, small veins of ice trickled down the sides of the empty drink. "Xiu tried to attack her, and she forgave him. Roux tried to kill her, and she loved him. Cesc, I..." He looked to the other Sigel's warm gaze, that determined hold, and could only smile weakly. "I made a mistake in my ignorance, but I'm not entirely convinced I did the wrong thing."

And that, more than anything, was what he hated himself for.

Lifting a hand - warmed, despite the ice - he gently pat Cesc's cheek. "Vi caught your soul, didn't she? Does she know what you're experiencing?" There was a heft to his voice that suggested he wasn't so keen on letting that slide. "Lex and I saw a lot of injured kin at the Lab because no one asked for help. Don't do that, please, Rhedefre."

Maybe it wasn't bad. Maybe what Cesc would experience would be the one time things actually went right. Unfortunately, Zul wasn't a big fan of maybes. "Lex didn't get to catch mine, Jeremy did. Apparently while I was trying to kill him." He quirked a lop-sided smile, and while it was genuine, there was a darkness to it. "I'll be okay, Cesc, come hell and high water. And I don't know if -- our contract stands, but you better damn well call me if something goes south."

The smile warmed, but barely so.  

[Atmadja]

Cesc let out a short laugh at Zul's admission--it was a short sound, more of surprise at the darkness and honesty of what he said. He couldn't disagree. Alex's passion for the Raevans--her love, her true desire to keep them all safe despite her own human fragility in the face of their own respective hardiness--could have damn well killed her.

Although, Cesc hadn't known about Xiu, no, and that news surprised him. Xiu seemed to have a hard enough time attacking the things he was supposed to.

"You might be right," said Cesc. "She may be better without jungles and crazy people attacking her and whatever else. But I... I do want her to come back to the bakery. I know that she's gone through a lot, but..." Cesc paused. He didn't want to finish the rest of the sentence: I can't imagine being completely without her. So he took a drink instead, refocusing himself on Zul's questions.

"Oh, no, nah," he said, waving one hand. "I have nothing to do with the stags yet. I want to know more about them, but they haven't shown a lot of interest in me. Vivi still feels pretty guilty about capturing a soul. I think that has to be the worst part about agreeing to be a part of a Raevan's life. The soul thing." He shrugged. "There's a lot of magic around, I guess. Not all of it good. I'm glad we get a second chance, to redefine it for ourselves. Hard as that is."