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 Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2016 10:10 pm
Leaving Chris's apartment had been a difficult choice, because on one hand Jamie still looked like a goddamn furry and explaining this to his parents was going to be absolute hell. On the other, he just wanted to go home. Jamie wanted to see his fish, he wanted to sleep in his own bed, he wanted to take a break from the weird and slip into some semblance of normalcy in a place that was comfortable and familiar to him.
After internal debate after internal debate, what finally convinced him was a promise. Shiloh would go with him and things would be okay. Taking a long, deep breath, Jamie tried to believe that.
"I'm home," he whispered, hand pressed to the glass of Glubby 'Glub Glub' the Second's tank. It was rare Jamie wasn't home, but each set up was equipped with timed feeders, just in case. Good thing, too, since by some stroke of luck and strange circumstance, his parents had decided to use his 'stay at a friend's house' as an excuse to get out of town for a few days. Jamie didn't blame them, they were always so busy, they deserved some time away. All they'd left was a note letting him know when they'd be back.
Well, that eliminated the worry over telling them about his condition, if only temporarily. Shoulders drooping, he remained stationary in front of the tank for a long moment. He was so very, very tired.
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Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 5:58 pm
Of course Shiloh said he'd go with him, of course. There wasn't any question about it.
There was some selfishness behind the decision too. Sure, he wanted to be there to support his friend and his weird new transformation and the inevitability of letting his parents find out; Shiloh wouldn't let him stand against that alone. But it... wasn't really a possibility for Shiloh to go back to his own home either. Well, he could, but he really didn't want to. Dealing with his dad wasn't high on his bucket list, and he knew Oliver would have a fit the second he found out about his shoulder. It was bad enough lying through texts.
He'd have to tell his twin about Blackfriar's eventually, and he wasn't planning on having that time be tonight.
"Man," Shiloh had looked around, noting the silence and the raw absence of his parents, "Guess you really lucked out. Should I start callin' you Lucky?"
He tried to crack the tense atmosphere, noting how exhausted Jamie looked under the weight of everything. He hesitated, but eventually walked over to his friend. Shiloh was equal parts exhausted if he was being honest, but he also wasn't some half-rabbit moonwalker thing.
"Want me to stay the night?" He kind of sort of knew the answer already.
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 2:27 pm
There was a comfort in the coolness of glass against his fingertips as Jamie stood, watching Glubby II flitter forward then back, dancing through the water with ease. It hadn't been that long yet, but she was already notably bigger than she'd been when they'd picked her up from the pet store. If nothing else, that got Jamie to smile. A fleeting smile, one gone as quickly as it had come.
"It's kinda funny..." came the quiet reply, one that held a hint of amusement beneath its exhaustion. "I... feel kinda lucky. At the same time, I feel like I shouldn't... S'weird, huh?" As Shiloh joined him, Jamie continued to watch Glubby. Now that he'd been at the glass for a while, she seemed to be settling down.
"Lucky... is that a nickname?" He actually laughed then, a lingering expression of bashfulness on his face. "I like it." Yeah, he liked it. A lot. Honestly, the idea of having a friend call him a cute nickname, especially Shiloh, made Jamie feel strangely good about himself. It felt like belonging.
Finally, apparently satisfied, Jamie looked at Shiloh. The fun from only seconds ago faded from his eyes, replaced with sometime almost like desperation. "Can you stay? Please...?"
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 3:06 pm
"Sure, as good a nickname as any." Shiloh was content for once, watching Glubby alongside Jamie. When Jamie turned to him, solemn, Shiloh returned the serious expression. "I wouldn't have offered to stay if I didn't wanna."
He ruffled Jamie's hair, minding the ears.
Shiloh threw himself down on Jamie's bed after a moment of consideration. He hadn't planned on sleeping there of course; he was sitting on the edge, legs still sprawled off the side, eyes trained on the ceiling. His shoulder throbbed. It was dark.
Not that he minded the darkness much, but it was a little eerie given all the recent events. Staying over at Chris' house wasn't bad, but he still found himself plagued with nightmares. They were horrible Frankenstein-stitched monstrosities of memories, collected from Blackfriar's and his childhood. There was always a hallway, always a shadow in the doorway, but whenever he'd turn the corner—
He shuddered with a sudden chill. No good; he always got to that point and woke.
"How's your chest?" he asked without looking over. "You should probably rest a little for it. I'm actually surprised you're still—Well... maybe your Moonwalker stuff gives you better tolerance for that stuff..." the ones from the previous night—maddened as they were—definitely had feats of superhuman strength going on.
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 5:26 pm
Relief welled in Jamie's chest and he let himself enjoy the short moment of affection, releasing himself from the fear of being alone, though a multitude of other worries remained. He tried to shove them to the back of his mind. It wasn't easy, but Shiloh made it a little bit more so.
"It's okay..." he responded, looking at Shiloh with no clue of the shadows that played at the corners of his eyes. If Jamie could've comforted him, could've steered him from his nightmares, he would have. They both knew things like were impossible, but they could be here for each other in their waking moments. Had he known, Jamie would've done his very best to turn his friend's thoughts away from the terrors, same as Shiloh had done for him over the phone all those nights ago. "Sore, but... the bandages and stuff help, I think... I definitely don't plan on doing anything, um, strenuous."
Before joining Shiloh on the bed, Jamie stopped off at his closet, hardly having to go far for the extra blankets that lined the top shelves. With some effort, a few huffs and puffs, he reached them and tugged. Good thing they were just blankets, since most of them managed to hit him on the way down.
"I kinda think... maybe it does. Being a moonwalker, I mean... Dunno for sure, though, but I don't feel as bad as I think I should..."
Dragging the nest-worthy hoard of blankets with him, Jamie finally joined Shiloh again, taking a gentle seat next to him, closer than was necessary given the amount of space left. "How are you feeling...? Your shoulder? And, um, well... with everything..." One of the blankets found itself to Jamie's chest, a soft, warm, plushy comfort.
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 6:07 pm
Nodding along with Jamie as he spoke, Shiloh couldn't help but snort as all the blankets came falling over onto his friend. He didn't see it at first, but the sound of heavy fabric hitting the ground was enough to lift his head. Jamie consumed by said blankets was practically priceless.
"Christ Jame, got enough?" he joked as his friend joined him on the bed, thinking to scoot over, but Jamie already had plenty of room...
"And yeah, I'm alright." he gathered up one of the blankets, tugging on it with his good arm. It was warm and plush; a far cry to the meager "comforts" of his own home. It was nice. It felt... safe. "I mean, it's sore, but I'll live. Been through worst. Probably."
Well, not really. It was hard to top werewolverine extravaganza 2k16, but Shiloh had been through his fair share of mental and emotional hardships for sure, though he wasn't sure what made tonight different.
Maybe Jamie being there was all the difference. He looked to his friend.
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 6:28 pm
"I love my blankets," admitting that, Jamie laughed. "It's a lot, but... I mean, they're for both of us. We deserve it..." As Shiloh adjusted his own claim and assured he was okay, Jamie took to gathering up the rest of the blankets around them like a shroud to ward off the specters of Other Ashdown. They wouldn't do jack s**t in any real situations, but for now, in the comfort of his own room and in the presence of his best friend, Jamie felt safe, too.
The outside was the outside, right now it didn't matter. What went on inside the blanket fortress, well... Jamie couldn't help but recall something Shiloh had told him the very same night he'd been plagued with his nightmare. Sometimes I make it a point not to look both ways. The scars, too, they meant something more significant than the simple fact that Shiloh had hurt himself. Jamie couldn't quite guess at the depth of Shiloh's struggles yet, but his heart ached knowing even the vaguest information about what he'd been through.
At first, he didn't want to ask. It felt invasive, like breaking an unspoken promise that Jamie had made up in his own mind. Maybe Shiloh wouldn't want to talk about it, especially after everything they'd been through in only a few days. Still, something in him pushed him forward. Something in him, a mixture of worry and care, finally made him open his mouth.
"Worse..." he echoed, not looking at him but instead focusing on his own hands playing on the other side of the blanket he was cuddling. "You've been... hurt this badly before...?"
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 7:21 pm
Shiloh was starting to love Jamie's blankets too.
Up until he started to gently pry.
And Shiloh knew the tactic to an extent, because for the fledgling part of his self destruction, it was what Oliver did. It was the gentle 'I'm here for you' that he got told every night, the worried expressions and furrowed brows. It wasn't until he started to rapidly decline, that Oliver got a full grasp on the gravity of the situation, that he started to press and demand. Had it been anyone else, they would've left the confrontation with a black eye.
But in the moment, it was what he needed, and it didn't stop the gentle comforting. His brother was still there and he always would be. Jamie was by far more low key, but Shiloh was sure even he had his breaking point. He didn't want to drive someone there again.
"I guess." he said, obviously stalling as he weighed his options. He'd never divulged any facts about his life, sans his twin (who honestly, also lived it) and Thorne, though that information was also pretty precious and scattered. Jamie meanwhile walked on this strange line of trust and doubt. He was one of the few that Shiloh felt he could talk to without fear of being judged. Maybe that was because Jamie had been judged plenty in his own life. "...yeah."
He bit his lip, worrying it a little between his teeth. "It's... not easy to talk about." he admitted after a moment, the spot on his lip red. "I mean, it's not that I don't want to talk about it, just..." he laughed, somewhat nervous despite his assuring, "it's hard to find a good place to start, y'know?"
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 2:48 pm
It's not easy to talk about was probably an understatement if Shiloh's hesitation was anything to go by. Honestly, in that instant, Jamie tried not to wish he hadn't questioned it, a difficult task given his penchant for self-loathing. It still mattered, his friend's thoughts and feelings, but maybe now wasn't the time, maybe it would've been better to wait until they were closer. Then again, Jamie had already fallen prey to real, deep, significant attachment. To him, best friend meant more than just the friend you hung out with the most.
So no, he forced himself not to regret the choice. He took some small comfort in the hope that Shiloh knew he cared through his concern, even if he chose to stay quiet. And yeah, Shiloh likely knew he didn't have to say a word if it was too much. Rather than assuring him of that fact, Jamie chose his words a little more carefully.
"Take your time..." It came out as a whisper. "I'm not... going anywhere." For you I have all night, that was the unspoken promise. Only now did he look at Shiloh, a genuine patience in his expression. In the dark, even as close as they were, Jamie couldn't see all that well the way he'd worried his lip, but he could feel the anxiety. The atmosphere of nervousness was nothing if not familiar to him.
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:37 pm
Jamie would be right; it was an understatement. Shiloh wasn't one to hesitate, because his first instinct was to combat any awkwardness with outright aggression. Letting himself waver like this felt like a massive vulnerability.
But Jamie wouldn't judge him, and Shiloh couldn't regret this. It'd eat him alive like some raw, savage beast. Where to start, where to start... Thinking back to his first encounter with Thorne—the anxiety he felt there, the pain—could he actually go any deeper than that? Even if it was with Jamie?
He swallowed.
"Mom left when we were young," he started slowly, because that was as far back as he could recall. It was her—when she left, was gone—that's when—"—dad, after that..."
His thoughts were organized, but his words left sounding disjointed. He groaned, rubbed at his forehead. Even if Jamie was giving him eternal patience, Shiloh wanted it to be over and done with.
"He..." Shiloh sucked in a breath, "Isn't... nice, he's—" he was sugarcoating it, he knew, but it wouldn't help in the long run, he had to... "—terrible. He's... disgusting."
"I hate him"
The pain in his voice was raw then, eyes trained on the ceiling.
"He drinks, all he ******** does is ******** drinks." pain turned venom "He drinks until he's belligerent, and then it takes it out on everyone around him he—" the venom stops, hitching in Shiloh's throat.
Mutely, he balls his hand into a fist, and slams it into his palm. The sound is a resounding smack.
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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 5:54 pm
The sharp smack of fist against palm would've made Jamie jump if he hadn't been quickly unraveling the direction Shiloh's story was going. By the time they got to the end, well, the outcome was more than obvious. Still, the sound sent a sick jolt through his stomach. The idea of a parent hurting their own child... it was such a foreign notion to him. Jamie's parents were kind, they were supportive, they loved him and cared for him. Sure, they were gone a lot on business, but Jamie knew if they had a choice, they'd be home with him always. How was it possible for a parent to deviate so far from what Jamie understood as truth?
A small sigh shuddered past his lips. What could he possibly say in response to that? An apology felt out of place—it wasn't as if he'd done anything to hurt Shiloh, it wasn't like he could waltz over there and end his father's cruelty or bring his mother back. He'd been the one to ask for this and yet he was completely unprepared for the part that came after.
Or, well, maybe not completely.
A hand slipped from the safety of his blankets and searched out Shiloh's arm. Like a lot of things Jamie did, the touch was delicate, barely there against his upper arm just above his elbow. Touch was something Jamie could do. When he was upset, his parents hugged him. This wasn't quite a hug, but he wanted Shiloh to know he was there.
"If you... ever need to, you can always come here..." There was a wavering gentleness in his voice, an attempt at staying calm. It was a stark contrast to the pain and venom that dripped from Shiloh's tongue only moments before. Remembering the way it sounded... it twisted Jamie's heart all over again.
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2016 2:48 pm
Had the touch come from anyone else, Shiloh would have tensed. His reaction was still notable, though; a small twitch that might be taken as a flinch. His eyes—no longer focused on his fist and his white knuckles—turned slowly to his friend sitting next to him.
Honestly, Shiloh started to laugh.
It was a sad, dreary sound that dripped with exhaustion and stress, the way a wheeze escaping from a container pressurized to the point of bursting would. The rolling chuckle ended in a somber silence as his hands lowered, a single hand being brought to his face. He lowered his eyes to his palm, hiding his betraying expression there. It hurt to open himself up.
"Thorne gave me the key to his house." Shiloh started again, holding onto Jamie's words as he came to a roundabout acknowledgement. "I told him the same s**t, gave him the same story." his eyes were still hidden behind his hand, elbows resting on his knees. In the end, he didn't shy away from Jamie's touch.
"I feel so ******** selfish. Like, I can't talk about myself without feeling like garbage." he tasted the words slowly on his tongue, "I-I hate it 'cause—'cause sometimes it's scary and I know I need help but then I finally get help and—"
His hand dropped, both of them resting in his lap as he stared at them wordlessly. They offered no answers to his contradictory emotions.
"I'm just a burden..." he finally mumbled, fingers twitching slightly. "That night at Blackfriar's," Shiloh swallowed dryly, "I was really hoping—maybe I could make it look like an accident. People would be sad, but I could've been a hero, went down protecting someone maybe, went down doing something useful. Burden's aren't useful—I think that's why I feel bad. People like you and Thorne... you shouldn't..."
"...you shouldn't care." Shiloh lifted his head to look at Jamie again, eyes glossy with an uncoordinated mix of pain and guilt and helplessness. "You shouldn't care."
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Posted: Wed Sep 14, 2016 5:12 pm
The laughter, it's sentiment, it was something Jamie could understand. In the grand scheme of things he was more of a crier and boy could the waterworks run like rivers sometimes. Once in a while, though, alone under his bed when things got particularly bad, he laughed. It was desperate usually, weary in the way that it felt like the world would crumble around him if he couldn't manage to turn the whole thing into a joke.
Jamie watched as Shiloh went through the motions, his heart aching in a familiar way and his chest cooled by empathy. His hand never left his arm, its grip growing firmer with each passing second, steeled in the resolve that he wanted nothing else but to be there for Shiloh.
These sorts of thoughts were painful, Jamie knew that. He'd call the feeling akin to dragging a lead weight around by the ankles, not that he truly remembered a time free of that burden. If he could stand by his friend's side, help him carry that weight, that's all he could really ask for. After all, hadn't Shiloh been the one to say we'll look out for each other.
Tucking his legs up, Jamie held Shiloh's gaze until he'd drawn closer and could rest his head against his shoulder. It was quiet for a moment as his hand slid away from Shiloh's arm to search out the hands that had been discarded in his lap. He truly hoped his touch wouldn't be minded because physical comfort always had been Jamie's weapon of choice. If it was, well, he'd cross that bridge when he got to it.
"I care... and I think that's okay." As his fingers draped over Shiloh's hands, Jamie tried to find the right words, ones that would actually make sense. "I've always... thought less of m-myself, too. For a long time. I-It's not... something that just goes away." He huffed.
"B-But you know that... I don't want to m-make it seem like your feelings don't matter. It's just... having a friend..." he paused to steady himself. "I-I hope this doesn't sound too weird, but... you are a hero to me... i-in a different sort of way..."
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 4:40 pm
"Don't say that..." despite the dead weight of his voice, there was a small, weak laugh hidden in it. Care was a deadly, double edged sword; he needed it and he knew it, he thrived on it when he let himself, but to let someone in like that was so... nerve wracking, so scary. He had a confidence in Oliver (and only Oliver) that he forgot what it felt like to have a friend—a friend that wasn't related to him—someone who hadn't necessarily shared in his ever experience, but would still give him the time of day and try to understand him. It was a euphoric feeling, a paranoid one. Jamie looked harmless, but if it came down to it, he had the strongest weapon. He had Shiloh's trust, and there wasn't much he could do to deny it.
"S-Seriously..." he glanced away, the air still somber, a timid smile playing at his lips as Jamie's fingers touched his. That was the other thing, the touch. Oliver was not touchy, and neither was Shiloh. Jamie and the things he stood for were all so new. Long had it been that Shiloh only knew a touch that could hurt, not a touch that could heal. Comfort practically traced along his skin. He sighed—relented—and gently turned his hand upside down, touching their finger tips together.
New... Shiloh's voice was a tired, tired mumble, "Okay, okay..." he had already relented, but there was the verbal admission, "I just... it's... scary." he chewed his lip, "Hearing you say that feels really good, but really bad too."
"Bad like, like... like scary, I guess." he clarified. "I didn't want to be an actual hero, I just—I just wanted an excuse." was there any point in hiding anything? He gently closed his fingers around Jamie's hand, searching for support. "I wanted to die. I always have. I still sort've do..." there he was, searching out Jamie's gaze again.
"It's so frustrating 'cause—'cause I just feel like a huge waste, like nothing I do matters. And then it's like—no matter what I do or how hard I try; it's always s**t, you know? I'm so sick and tired of trying." exhale, "I... I end up taking it out on myself when I get really upset..." his voice continued to drop steadily through the entire conversation, his breath a whisper by the end. "It— I know I need people, but... I can't connect with them. I just wanna' give up most of the time..."
"People like you 'n Ollie make it hard, but I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing..." he lamented, heart feeling like a simultaneous choke hold-and-release. "But... you're my best friend Jamie. You know that, right? I-I don't... really know how or way, 'cause like, I know we haven't known each other for long, but..." he swallowed, "...you're important to me. And I want to stick around because— because I want to know you better, and be there for you, and—"
And? i think i might like you...
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 7:59 am
With the airiest of gentle laughs, Jamie relented in turn, "Okay..."
A smile as bittersweet as any Jamie had worn before crossed his lips, eyes cast to their hands, fingertips softly playing against Shiloh's. There was comfort in the acceptance, a relief in knowing there was something he could do, even if it came down to this and this alone. Jamie wasn't a miracle worker who could banish Shiloh's self-loathing with a wave of his hand. Hell, he could barely manage his own, and honestly, manage was being far too generous.
What they needed wasn't a friend who thought they could fix things. What they needed was someone to listen. At least, that's how Jamie felt, what he wanted for himself. When a hand closed around his own, when he could feel something in the air asking for a moment of his time, he tipped his head up from Shiloh's shoulder and looked him in the eye.
Like a whisper on the wind as it passed, Shiloh's voice grew quieter and Jamie knew it wasn't easy. He kept intent on his words, the ones that gripped at his heart like a thread spun endlessly around and around. These were Shiloh's pains, but he could feel them, resonating deep down where, for a long time, Jamie thought he'd been alone. You don't have to stay lonely, his eyes said. He never looked away.
"And...?" he prompted, eyes soft with a promise that if Shiloh didn't want to continue, he didn't have to. Except, well, Jamie had something to say, too. His smile apologized for interrupting.
"You're my best friend, too, Shiloh," and it sounded like saying so was the biggest relief. "I'm so... glad I met you. A-And I want... to spend so much more time with you." There was a swell in his chest, a warmth, a happiness. This wasn't like anything he'd felt before. It was all so new. Maybe it was strange to feel so strongly connected to a friend you'd known for such a short time, but Jamie felt more comfortable with Shiloh than he had with any of the classmates he'd spent multiple years with, shallow interactions or not.
Admittedly, there was more that he wasn't quite sure how to say. i might like you too...
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