This is mostly a vent, but any insight to help me understand this social confusion would help me a lot.
I'm not too socially invigorating on my Fiance's side of his family, but I do enjoy their company. I don't get insulted when they do not invite me to their girls night out, because they do invite me on other times. I have the perspective that I rarely invite them out and I have kids so it's fine.
However, I have been trying to set up and build up reminders (probably not enough but should I have to?) up to the date of when we should go shop for my wedding dress. The females all want to be involved, but they keep being busy, don't respond, forget, or get busy when it's near the date.
I learn that I have to make an appointment to try out these dresses, but I feel upset because I am in turmoil trying to figure out if they are even actually interested or I'm being such a bad family member to rush and think of them as someone who stands me up? I am also upset with myself because my mother-in-law offered me to buy my wedding dress instead of me making one, so I feel obligated to have her involved but she is extra busy with work the most (yet I know she could make the time, it's the problem getting her daughters on board at the last minute).
I don't mind shopping for myself, I just want at least an idea of my size and what I would like to narrow down my search and concerns. However, I again am upset and worried that it would come off rude to them that I "went without them".
My wedding is in 5 months and I've been trying to communicate and make specific dates and reminders since the beginning of this year when I was told she wanted to buy me the wedding dress.
My family is out of state, and they are helping me more than my in-laws as well, not financially but the planning. Only the mother in law helps financially. The other sisters, I don't want to hold it against them, but I feel angry that I can't reorient my time around them because they have moments of acting like princesses.
One has a baby now and the other just bought a house, which I understand can be busy, but they have put me on the spot before not understanding I have kids and just got a house (double standard judgment). I still don't mind it too much as they are very kind the majority of the time, I am just angry at the idea if I have to work my time around them if they aren't actually interested. I like open honesty, my hurt feelings can be healed, but it can't if I don't even know anyone's intention and keep playing the "what if" game to hurt myself.
I keep questioning about if I'm exaggerating in my head/the way I talk, so I keep downplaying my own thoughts to try to stay accurate or at least low standards to force myself to give benefit of the doubt that it's my fault. This helps me encourage myself to try to be more creative and focus on what I can do to change things. I think we/I made plans them 4 times and we're trying again for the 5th time right now. I really hope it works out this time because I don't want to deal with the mess at the last minute.
Posted: Sat May 28, 2016 12:01 pm
i am not trying to be a downer but 5 months is barely enough time as it is so i say do what you need to do for you
at this point you still only may get a dress off the rack or have to go with a specific designer that can do shorter time frames
go within the next couple weeks.. send an announcement out and just say due the limited time available i need to go ... i would love to have everyone there but can understand if you can not go
if you wait for them all to be free you may not get a dress at this point
*editing and adding to this - technically this is the time the bridesmaids should be getting their dresses so what i can recommend if they suck at coordinating.. pick a material - color - and dress length and tell them to get it on their own and give maybe a recommendation of place to get it .. it will all fit if they follow those 3 requests
Thank you. I can make my own wedding dress if I have to. I don't mind, I just don't like this push and pull crap.
I made an appointment on this Sunday and if they can't go, I'll take your suggestion and just going to go without them this time. It's only a few of them coming anyways.
One of them apparently is planning her own wedding for next year on top of her new house so I can't help but piece together that she has her own interests first. I'd wish they would be upfront with me because they don't mind when it's completely rude (like telling me to move out when they haven't moved out of their mom's place and are older and have no kids while I do), but act like they are afraid of hurting my feelings if they don't or can't go and it's okay for me to go without them.
At least I partially feel better when they can act rude because it makes me feel justified when I slip up and be rude myself (mostly due to lack of being taught social etiquette and different culture).
I have backup bridesmaid dresses (one size fits all) already purchased last year in case they procrastinate or have no luck finding one (due to the color+size scheme, apparently light blue is a hard color to find online or in stores, and most of the online dresses are shams).
Thanks for the input. Hopefully it all goes swell and I find a dress I really like and the whole event is enjoyable.
Posted: Sat May 28, 2016 1:19 pm
I agree with Melena. It is time to be boss bride. Pick the bridesmaids dress, or just a very specific color, and tell them that whoever can't get with the program doesn't get to stand at the altar.
You don't have time to be political, you have to get this knocked out. People won't put their effort in if they don't 'get something out of it' so they will wait until the last minute.
It's not rude, it's just the truth, they need to be forced on the bandwagon.
I had the same issue. I went dress shopping 11 months before I got married, and invited my maid of honor and bridesmaid to go. They went, and I showed them ideas of dresses I wanted them to pick out.
Literally two weeks before the wedding, I text them to see their dresses. Neither of them had picked one out. They had 10 1/2 months to do this, and they didn't. So I got fed up, sent them the dress I wanted them to buy ($30 Target dress) and told them to wear a pair of flats in either black, grey, or yellow.
The day of my wedding, they showed up, and had just purchased the dresses that morning. They didn't fit properly, so I told them to figure it out or to go home. They ended up figuring it out, but were pissed at me the whole day.
Long story short: Get their sizes and order cheap dresses for them yourself, or it won't get done. Or you can tell them to get their s**t together or their out of the wedding.
You gotta be the tough bride sometimes. It sucks, but it's your day.
✘✘✘
Posted: Sat May 28, 2016 4:44 pm
Go without them. You don't have enough time left to wait on them. You've given them enough extra chances I think. Just do what you gotta do to have the bestest wedding ever!
Also Congratz!!!!!!! I demand pictures<3333
DefauIt
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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2016 9:37 am
I would do what was suggested before. Be like "I'm going this day. I'd love if you could come with me, but I understand if you can't." That way if someone cancels, they know you won't reschedule again. They'll just miss shopping with you. But if someone's free, they're able to go with you.
Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2016 1:43 pm
[.Volatile.]
I agree with Melena. It is time to be boss bride. Pick the bridesmaids dress, or just a very specific color, and tell them that whoever can't get with the program doesn't get to stand at the altar.
You don't have time to be political, you have to get this knocked out. People won't put their effort in if they don't 'get something out of it' so they will wait until the last minute.
It's not rude, it's just the truth, they need to be forced on the bandwagon.
Thank you. I already picked a color and said I wanted to check out the dress to approve of it if it's okay. But I have back up bridesmaid dresses for cheap that they can for sure fit in (they already tried them on) for any procrastinators. It's not my issue if they don't fit it on the day of. That was easy for me to work around and I had this planned and ordered last year in advance.
It's my wedding dress that was the issue since the mother of the groom wants to pay for it for me as well as her other daughters being there. I finally got my sewing machine the other day and just need to set it up.
Besides I get to write off how reliable or close I want to be with them for sure after this Sunday because if they decide to be flaky, they basically stood me up after my birthday. I'm going to hold it over their heads for a long time to get out of anything they want me to do or if I don't "feel well" to see them.
I like knowing where a person stands because it gives me more leverage and confidence to be more aggressive/rude or nicer (it gives me the chance to find my footing on how to be assertive) without my own guilt coming into play. The person may even praise me for standing up and helping them realize they messed up and I'd still be upset at my own actions ha ha. I think I have a huge issue with the perspective of arrogance.
I had the same issue. I went dress shopping 11 months before I got married, and invited my maid of honor and bridesmaid to go. They went, and I showed them ideas of dresses I wanted them to pick out.
Literally two weeks before the wedding, I text them to see their dresses. Neither of them had picked one out. They had 10 1/2 months to do this, and they didn't. So I got fed up, sent them the dress I wanted them to buy ($30 Target dress) and told them to wear a pair of flats in either black, grey, or yellow.
The day of my wedding, they showed up, and had just purchased the dresses that morning. They didn't fit properly, so I told them to figure it out or to go home. They ended up figuring it out, but were pissed at me the whole day.
Long story short: Get their sizes and order cheap dresses for them yourself, or it won't get done. Or you can tell them to get their s**t together or their out of the wedding.
You gotta be the tough bride sometimes. It sucks, but it's your day.
✘✘✘
I don't know why but I'm not getting any updates from this thread when I got a reply until today!
I'm sorry your bridesmaid did that to you. Even my other bridesmaid who lives out of state from me and poorer have been more practically helpful than my fiance's sisters, but I still love them in sibling-ly feelings. It's just we're not close siblings where we can ask if it's a topic they're interested, but that's it. Friends at least know you better and feel more open to butt heads if needed. It makes me sad seeing my fiance's sisters slip into very stereotype "rich white girl" reactions because I see them as strong characters or seen them give empathy. I just have to assume they get rubbed the wrong way easier when it's their only plight left to complain about.
Did your bridesmaid at least look happy for your photo's? Are you still friends with them, or did they apologize?
It's hard on me because I feel like it isn't my day ha ha. I'm trying to not get cold feet. Apparently I fall in the spectrum "not wanting to be responsible on big decisions or never had to make big decisions before" so I keep trying to push the idea that it's too late to back out (I have kids, a house, pets, insurances, and car with my fiance already) and the wedding is in a few months. I don't want to cause drama and regret for a feeling that only appears before the wedding. Did you ever had a moment of cold feet?
Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2016 1:58 pm
DefauIt
Go without them. You don't have enough time left to wait on them. You've given them enough extra chances I think. Just do what you gotta do to have the bestest wedding ever!
Also Congratz!!!!!!! I demand pictures<3333
Thank you! I have one planned with my fiance the next Saturday for a bridal that's farther in case I can't find one that I already made appointments with (plus they are closed on the days that the mother of the groom is available, whaaattt).
I shall send pictures~ It's an angelic theme wedding and I had to do a lot of customization because apparently it's very limited and my tastes are different. I would have done more customization but I am in the "screw it" mode because I have wayyy too much small details to refine and check over before the day. I'm just going to switch any out for better customizations if I have time near the end.
OH and sorry if I haven't chatted much on Skype. My new puppy was sick on top of tons of work lately, only to lose the puppy after all the money and sleepless nights spent on him trying to get him better. Got me a bit down but I am okay now!
I would do what was suggested before. Be like "I'm going this day. I'd love if you could come with me, but I understand if you can't." That way if someone cancels, they know you won't reschedule again. They'll just miss shopping with you. But if someone's free, they're able to go with you.
Thanks for the script! Sometimes I get stuck on the wording in the moment when I have to actually be vocal, so either I come off rude or confuse others even further ha ha.
I just realized now I'm sure my fiance's mom wouldn't mind if I gave her the receipt to reimburse me if I had to choose my dress without her or the others. She just prefers if there is a possibility to create more sentiments in life, but I forget she isn't the type that throws a fit if I exclude her (like the groomsmen, so much drama lol).
Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2016 10:01 pm
Trainer Aurora Rain
!d!ot Amer!ca
I had the same issue. I went dress shopping 11 months before I got married, and invited my maid of honor and bridesmaid to go. They went, and I showed them ideas of dresses I wanted them to pick out.
Literally two weeks before the wedding, I text them to see their dresses. Neither of them had picked one out. They had 10 1/2 months to do this, and they didn't. So I got fed up, sent them the dress I wanted them to buy ($30 Target dress) and told them to wear a pair of flats in either black, grey, or yellow.
The day of my wedding, they showed up, and had just purchased the dresses that morning. They didn't fit properly, so I told them to figure it out or to go home. They ended up figuring it out, but were pissed at me the whole day.
Long story short: Get their sizes and order cheap dresses for them yourself, or it won't get done. Or you can tell them to get their s**t together or their out of the wedding.
You gotta be the tough bride sometimes. It sucks, but it's your day.
✘✘✘
I don't know why but I'm not getting any updates from this thread when I got a reply until today!
I'm sorry your bridesmaid did that to you. Even my other bridesmaid who lives out of state from me and poorer have been more practically helpful than my fiance's sisters, but I still love them in sibling-ly feelings. It's just we're not close siblings where we can ask if it's a topic they're interested, but that's it. Friends at least know you better and feel more open to butt heads if needed. It makes me sad seeing my fiance's sisters slip into very stereotype "rich white girl" reactions because I see them as strong characters or seen them give empathy. I just have to assume they get rubbed the wrong way easier when it's their only plight left to complain about.
Did your bridesmaid at least look happy for your photo's? Are you still friends with them, or did they apologize?
It's hard on me because I feel like it isn't my day ha ha. I'm trying to not get cold feet. Apparently I fall in the spectrum "not wanting to be responsible on big decisions or never had to make big decisions before" so I keep trying to push the idea that it's too late to back out (I have kids, a house, pets, insurances, and car with my fiance already) and the wedding is in a few months. I don't want to cause drama and regret for a feeling that only appears before the wedding. Did you ever had a moment of cold feet?
I definitely had a moment of cold feet a few times. I was terrified of the thought of marriage for a while. But once the big day came, it settled back down. It's natural. The week before the wedding, I was washing our Jeep/get away car and I just froze because, "Holy s**t I'm getting married. I'm going to be a wife." It was a terrifying realization for me for some reason, lol. But everything is fabulous now. I have never had a single shred of doubt or regret over getting married to my husband.
I totally understand the "white rich girl" stereotype you're speaking of. It's why I didn't have my devil-spawn sister in law as one of my bridesmaids. She made my wedding planning all about her. I mean, I never felt like it was "my day," even now, because my husband's friends announced their pregnancy at my reception after I had asked them not to and my devil-spawn sister in law announced that my brother in law (husband's brother) and her were pregnant on my anniversary. So I'm not looking forward to my anniversary this year, because I know someone else will make it about them.
I'm no longer friends with them, at all. I was kicked from one of their weddings to be replaced with someone who will be 9 months pregnant during the wedding. The person who kicked me from her wedding made fun of my wedding the entire time I was planning it, but is basically using the exact same ideas as I did for hers (same colors, bouquets and boutonnieres, she got her dress from the same off the wall shop as I did, and even interviewed with my officiant). I called her out on it, she cussed me out, and that was that, lmao. They look an obvious "fake" happy in my pictures, but I don't care.
BUT ANYWAY. I love the wording TipTop gave you. That's a very nice but stern way of going about this issue.
I definitely had a moment of cold feet a few times. I was terrified of the thought of marriage for a while. But once the big day came, it settled back down. It's natural. The week before the wedding, I was washing our Jeep/get away car and I just froze because, "Holy s**t I'm getting married. I'm going to be a wife." It was a terrifying realization for me for some reason, lol. But everything is fabulous now. I have never had a single shred of doubt or regret over getting married to my husband.
I totally understand the "white rich girl" stereotype you're speaking of. It's why I didn't have my devil-spawn sister in law as one of my bridesmaids. She made my wedding planning all about her. I mean, I never felt like it was "my day," even now, because my husband's friends announced their pregnancy at my reception after I had asked them not to and my devil-spawn sister in law announced that my brother in law (husband's brother) and her were pregnant on my anniversary. So I'm not looking forward to my anniversary this year, because I know someone else will make it about them.
I'm no longer friends with them, at all. I was kicked from one of their weddings to be replaced with someone who will be 9 months pregnant during the wedding. The person who kicked me from her wedding made fun of my wedding the entire time I was planning it, but is basically using the exact same ideas as I did for hers (same colors, bouquets and boutonnieres, she got her dress from the same off the wall shop as I did, and even interviewed with my officiant). I called her out on it, she cussed me out, and that was that, lmao. They look an obvious "fake" happy in my pictures, but I don't care.
BUT ANYWAY. I love the wording TipTop gave you. That's a very nice but stern way of going about this issue.
Ugh I always get so upset when I read about people's special day(s) and other people do something unbelievable. I keep hoping what I read is an exaggeration, fictional story, or that people can't be that bad. I wish people were never that bad. I think I care about people too much and it makes me hate them even more when they fall below my standards. Such a hate/love relationship.
I got my wedding dress! It went over my budget, but my groom's mom was very nice about it. She is always so sweet. However it went into play what I was concerned about before but with a plot twist. The sister in laws supported and comforted me, but the mom made me cry. I understood where she was coming from but it still hurt when she thought I was blaming others that I had so much to do for the wedding. She took her overwhelming on me (I didn't ask or expected them to talk about what I needed to do with the wedding, I was just planning it mostly on my own with my sister's help and I thought they were just curious what I had planned).
She immediately felt bad the moment she saw me tear up (I couldn't hold it in, but I at least didn't sob), but I dislike crying in general. It was right before my bridal appointment too and my makeup was getting ruined (cheap makeup lol). I didn't even get to finish my meal at the restaurant during our chat. It mostly hit me with a curve ball as I thought I was being eager and open to their insight and advice and was doing very well despite setbacks and other responsibilities.
There was a change of the manager in charge of the hotel, booking everyone's room for with kitchens for several nights at the lowest flat rate and airplane roundtrip tickets for little to no cost for 7 people, change and found a better and cheaper wedding cake, cheap and large buffet catering that has won two years in a row from several cities, make a wedding budget including other budgets, have a list of to do list for others to see online and edit as a teamwork collaboration, make a playlist, did chores and work and childcare and helped homework, grocery shop and go to the doctor's without my fiance's help or babysitting, saving up thousands of money without my fiance's income to pay the wedding myself, got the invitation cards and guest list ready, have back up bridesmaid dresses, find a dancing class, researched for dresses and shoes, have decor supplies ready and just need to piece them together, got my own sewing machine instead of relying on fiance's parents who takes a long time to get things out of their garage, potty train the dog all by myself, wash a really big couch and other heavy things by myself when I'm only 80 pounds while watching kids, making dinner, paying bills, deferring loans, covering vet/hospital bills, and taking care of my fiance who's been recently in a slump - he used to help with chores a lot and cook dinner and homework, planning the kid's birthdays and have them go to the birthday party on time with the right stuff packed, clean the car, sort legal documents and filing, take care of the neighbor kids when they come visit, binge watch shows lol.
At least it helped me not feel so guilty about the price of the dress. She still feels bad about what happened but I said I wasn't mad, just sad how it played out and have lingering emotions (usually a nap or night's sleep helps me reset my emotions) as it was still only a couple of hours ago, but I forgave her. She still feels bad though ha ha.
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