Welcome to Gaia! ::

Wicca: Blessed Be

Back to Guilds

For anyone interested in Wicca, Paganism, or Witchcraft 

Tags: Wicca, Pagan, Witchcraft, New Age, Community 

Reply The Guild's Main Forum - - [religion, spirituality, paranormal, metaphysics, etc]
Need help with an awful situation

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Shinigami-Rem_Death-Note

PostPosted: Thu May 12, 2016 12:34 pm


Hi guys, I feel I need some advice here. Apologies for the wall of text.

My friend is in an awkward situation with her family. They abuse her, mentally and emotionally, and her brother wouldn't really be afraid to go physical if he's given a reason. She's told me and our other friends all about the kind of treatment she gets, but without even realising how bad it is herself. They treat her like a slave, expecting her to pick up all the housework that doesn't get done by her bratty siblings or when her parents just don't feel like it. They comment on her weight all the time and have got to the point where they sometimes even deny her food if it's outside of a mealtime even if she skipped the previous mealtime in order to do the chores they wanted her to do. Today she said she hadn't eaten anything yet after doing tons of laundry and when she asked, she was told she could have a wrap and that was it, until she somehow managed to push for a salad because they think she needs to lose weight and call her a pig.

That's not even all of it, they've stopped her from being able to live her own life by always trying to control every aspect of it. She can't drive, they won't take her out places unless it benefits them (not even to hand in her job applications, despite them pestering her to get a job), they insult her interests and intelligence constantly, and her dad is horribly sexist and doesn't take her mental health or anything else about her seriously, though that didn't stop him from one day very rudely telling her for no reason that she must be going crazy and should see a therapist. And he tries to control her contact with others, despite being in her 20s she has to ask permission to use her phone or laptop or to get internet because they don't want her out of their control. Her dad literally said that to her when he was considering taking the phone off her, because he didn't like not being able to control what she was doing on there. And that's without going into the side of how they make her behave for the church and how the dad spent ages one afternoon calling her a sinner just for getting annoyed at something (makes him a massive hypocrite from what I've heard about his past anyway).

As friends me and the others have been trying to convince her for months that she needs to leave, that it's damaging her health and she would be so much better off with our friend who has offered many times to literally drive over there, pick her up and have her come live where she won't be treated so unfairly. We think that their messing with her self esteem and self worth is part of the reason why she's said she's not ready to. And of course that's her decision, but it's getting worse all the time and we're really worried about her.

My point is, what can I do as a witch, to help her? Would you all send out good thoughts? Is there a spell I could use to either give my friend the courage to leave, or to aid her in surviving that place? Or better yet, something to encourage her parents to stop doing harm? I'm not looking for a curse or to manipulate anyone, although in all truth if it were to give those horrible people some instant karma I'd be all for it. I just want to help her make a change and become happy before it's too late.

EDIT: For the record since tomorrow is both friday the 13th and a full moon, that seems like it might be a good opportunity if I were to use a spell to help, am I right?
PostPosted: Sat May 14, 2016 10:27 pm


I'm going to reply to this not as a witch, but as a social worker (which I am).

First of all, I think it's really great that you care so much about your friend and are wanting to help her. That's awesome; it sounds like she needs a LOT of support right now.

The behavior of her parents is unacceptable; no human being deserves to be treated like that. Period.

For some non-witchy ways to help her, I want you to try to step into her shoes for a minute, so bear with me through this upcoming novel.

These are her parents. She literally would not exist without them, so leaving them and possibly cutting off ties would probably be really hard for her. She might feel guilty, like she owes them something, or maybe that she's betraying them in some way. And, like almost every person, she probably genuinely loves her parents. Which she should; it is absolutely okay to love someone who abuses you, you can't just flip a switch and stop loving someone. That's part of the reason it takes a victim of domestic violence, on average, 7 attempts to leave before actually leaving their abuser. It's usually a really slow process. Researching domestic violence might be helpful for you in this situation.

Another thing to think about is where she would go if she chose to leave. If she doesn't have a means of transportation or a job, then I'm guessing she probably doesn't have enough money saved up to pay rent. So she would be staying with different friends, probably moving around so as to not impose on any one person for too long. If you don't know, this is called couch surfing and is technically homelessness. So, if your friend leaves this awful situation, she would be putting herself into homelessness and a really uncertain future. I've couch surfed before and it's scary. It takes a HUGE emotional toll and often comes with feelings of guilt and worthlessness (I work with homeless youth and see this all the time). So even though your friend has offered to take her in, she might not accept the offer because she wouldn't want to be a burden.

Quote:
She's told me and our other friends all about the kind of treatment she gets, but without even realizing how bad it is herself.


If this is all she knows, then chances are she doesn't know what a healthy family unit should look like. Maybe, to her, this is normal so she doesn't understand what you and your friends are trying to tell her.

Keep in mind that I don't know the situation as well as you do, so there may be other things going on. These are just my educated guesses based on what you've said

Some things you could say that may be helpful are:
"It's your choice and I completely respect that. I'm here for you."
"I get that you love your parents, and that's okay. Look at what this relationship is doing to you though. It seems pretty unhealthy."
"You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect."

Help her to find her worth and her strength, let her see what a healthy familial relationship should look like, don't pressure her to leave, and just be there for her. I know these things might not be as action-oriented as you might like; it's really hard to see someone you care about go through pain. You've just got to remember that this is not your path to walk; it's hers. You can walk next to her, but you can't lead her.

It sounds like you are a pretty amazing friend and are doing a lot of things for her. Just keep being there for her and don't forget to make sure you're okay through this journey as well.

The Goddess of Earth
Vice Captain


Shinigami-Rem_Death-Note

PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 3:40 am


Thanks so much for replying! Honestly yeah I know exactly what you mean, in fact me and the rest of her friends have been trying for months to build up her confidence and it’s a bit of a two steps forward one step back situation. She still apologises for complaining about her family, still believing that she should just bear with it and pacify them because it’s not immediately physically harming her, but they’ve been doing so much to her it’s affecting her physical health anyway. She’s got almost chronic pain from doing so much housework all the time, because she’s expected to do it and ends up getting told to do whatever chores her siblings drop too because they seem to think that if she’s sitting still for two seconds she’s lazy. For any Disney fan out there I can seriously compare them to a perfect mix of Claude Frollo, Mother Gothel and Cinderella’s stepmother. Or maybe the Dursleys in Harry Potter. It’s disgusting.

We try our best to tell her in whatever ways how this is not healthy, how she doesn’t deserve that treatment and should be treated better, and how she doesn’t need to be their slave. I mean for gods sake what kind of “loving” parent groans like a bloody 10 year old because it’s apparently such an inconvenience to go get their own daughter’s glasses fixed or get her some more contacts so she can SEE? Their neglect and selfishness is so harmful!

In fact something I didn't mention is the fact that while they seem to want to keep her under their thumb and cooped up, they also do stuff to suggest they want to get rid of her at the same time, like when she was once volunteered (without talking to her first) to go do charity work for the church in a country that as a woman would be actually dangerous for her. Luckily that was one of the times when in the end she told them she didn't want to do it and didn't go, but they're in a church (or at least a family) that seems to value that "be selfless for the good of your community" attitude a whole lot.

We’ve made it a promise that if she ever gets out of there, she’s forever welcome to live with that one friend who offered. Said friend even has plans to help her get a job if she does, and eventually a place of their own together. They’re best friends, and none of us would ever let her become homeless. I think the friend’s been planning the options for a long while now, and I don’t blame them.

There are times when things have got a little stressy for all of us unfortunately, as everyone in the group has their own stuff going on as well and we’ve all been so worried for her. Some have nearly come to their wits end trying to be patient which sounds horrible but seeing our friend get hurt like this is torture. Nothing compared to what she’s going through, but still torture. We continue to try patiently to help her at her own pace, but some of us can’t help occasionally losing it a little, not getting angry at her but at her family. We just hope that some time soon she’ll end up ready, before that physical pain gets too bad to do what she enjoys, or they cut off her communication with us, or worse.

I tried to cast a small spell the other night anyway, just one to help protect her, give her a bit of courage hopefully. But mostly to in a way pray that her family receive at least some of their actions threefold sooner rather than later so that maybe they’ll see what they’ve done and stop. Though who knows. I'm not exactly the best witch.

Again thank you for replying though, it means a lot.
Reply
The Guild's Main Forum - - [religion, spirituality, paranormal, metaphysics, etc]

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum