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 Posted: Mon May 09, 2016 10:58 pm
In a room, there was a celebration and someone got drunk. Beside two people was a tumble of bottles, the two had a conversation.
A: "I like you."
B: "It’s a funny joke, thank you. You’re trying to make me laugh, right?"
A: "Nope, I really like you. Anyway, do you have someone you like?"
B: "Uh huh...quite a lot."
A: "I mean “crush”, you know it."
B: "Hmm...of course - if I can call that a crush."
A: "Do you keep a distance from them, like what you do with us?"
B: "...I don’t understand what you mean."
A: "You do. You always remind yourself not to get too close to anyone. If you notice it, you step back obliviously. Don’t underestimate me."
B: "As if."
A: "What’s the reason for that? Why? We're scary?"
B: "...You. Are. Too. Nosy. One day you’ll get killed because of that -"
A: "You know me, I won’t leave you alone until I get the answer -"
B: "Don't pretend you're interested in me, okay? I don't wanna be haunted by your weapon."
The conversation went on, going over random topics and stuff.
A: "You like red?"
B: "Not really," she paused. "-That's the color burn in my memory and haven seen most. That's all."
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Posted: Mon May 09, 2016 10:59 pm
All she'd see was the color of red, it filled up every bit of her vision.
- She couldn’t respond, all she did was to watch and be rescued absentmindedly. Her newly bought sailor style blouse in white and blue covered in wet blood. (That was her costume, like an actor waiting to go onto the stage, she could just watch and wait for the moment). She was alright, capable of standing and walking with her feet even in such a miserable circumstance. It was too confusing to think about it and cleared up her mind.
Everything happened so fast but she seemed to have spent a very long time - about a decent - in that small car. She stared at the driver being saved, he was slightly injured like she did but for a different reason. Then her eyes shifted to gaze at two bodies already covered by white cloths, beneath one a tanned athletic arm hanged out. (Their roles had ended).
Looking at it with hollow eyes, she'd recalled how it once used to hug around her or ruffle her hair rudely. A quick whim of rushing forward to hold it firmly died within seconds, she simply couldn’t move a step. Another thought appeared as the night wind flipped up part of the cloth covering another, a sliver of red hair thus disclosed. The owner had put her hands tenderly on her face and comforted her in the agony, she made her make the promise. (Past scenes came into mind to help bringing her into the mood).
Surrounding her was the clamor from rescuers, they used the saw to remove part of the taxi, a boy already in coma was brought out from the front seat and carried over to an ambulance speedily. On his face was a device providing oxygen, half which covered in blood running down from his head. She wished she could clean it up, remembered how lovely his bashful smile was…...She wanted to see it once more.
Not knowing how she reached the hospital, the blood her sister left on her pale face had dried. She had no idea how awful she looked until a timid nurse passing by was startled and dropped a tray filled with stuff.
Slowly raising her hands which shook uncontrollably, she noticed they were stained in dark red, as if she had dipped them into a bucket of red paints. Again, she didn’t realized the pretty buns her sister did meticulously with a smile unraveled, and so her long hair buried her face. Something wearing white clothes in red with black long messy hair standing still. That was her image in others’ eyes.
She turned around and saw her parents dashing towards her way, i.e. outside the operation room with a bright red light "IN PROGRESS” above lighted on. They asked the officer about it, a dumbfounded expression appeared on their faces due to the bad news. Her mother burst into tears and had to sit down with the help of the officer, the news had dragged away all her energy. The girl overheard her self-possessed father nervously asked about his son.
Right after the officer mumbled something, he turned to look straight at the closed doors of the operation room and finally noticed her. “Why? Why you’re the only one alright?" He bitterly swore out of spite. (She knew it was almost the time she became the spotlight of the stage).
On the other side, the driver was being asked about details of the unfortunate car accident, he held his head like he had a bad headache. Two dead, one in coma, only two were fine, why such a thing happened to him?. The girl's attentions remained on her parents and the red light that hadn’t turned off yet.
“It-It wasn’t my fault, I-I d-didn’t drink, I did nothing, you’ve to believe me! It-It was…….” he stuttered helplessly, swallowed and paused, then his fluctuating eyes caught the sight of the girl. She was quietly looked at the red light. He flung his arm and shot his finger at her like a killer gun. “It-It was her! If she didn’t yell, I won’t turn the wheel - T-That’s the truth you want - it - it’s all her fault!” The driver claimed and shouted loudly. Shortly, everyone was looking at her. That day, the girl turned eighteen.
If nobody was aware of the silent girl, his accusation did it. She'd watched her father stopped punching the wall and headed over, wrenched her hair with those white knuckles in a clasp. “You again? You awful demon!” He thundered with his ireful voice. She stumbled like a fragile doll under his brute force.
“How many people you’d make them suffer? First your brother and friends and now your sisters and younger brother?!” Her head could only follow the direction his hand swung around and it made her too dizzy to say a word. It was a misunderstanding. Many eyes were on her, but they were just the watchers. It hurt.
Then, hearing the footsteps the pumps made, the girl looked at her mother wistfully. The hope that she'd saved her shattered into pieces with the searing pain she felt on her face. The sad woman clenched her teeth in disbelief, “How can you! …...They’re your sisters and brother...How can you -” she nipped with each of her word between her white teeth and red lips, the girl looked at her mother’s watery eyes, they were blazing with anguish and wrath.
It was the first time she did realize the docile woman can act like that, she looked like a ferocious banshee heckling her sin. “You’re a monster - W-What have I given birth to? What have I given birth to? You shouldn’t be born! Y-You’re not my daughter!”. The pallid woman screamed and repeated words shakily out of her mind. The girl pushed and fell onto the ground, said nothing. Even though she accidentally bit her tongue and it bled badly.
At that moment, with past memories all linked together and made sense, she reluctantly figured out her mother was always scared of her, treating her like a horrible beast in dormancy - (It was her fault, she was a murder). She didn't say anything in her defense, her mouth was shut firmly when the blood dripped down her chin.
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Posted: Mon May 09, 2016 10:59 pm
"You wanna know me more? Fine."
She pulled herself up and walked to the middle of the room, expression swiftly changed into an innocent bright grin. “Ahem. Greeting, my name’s - hiccup - oh I forgot I no longer have a name - Never mind. My mother gave me that name she hoped she and me could grow up like beautiful ladies just like blossom of flowers, it was a wishful blessing. After all, It’s not unusual for our parents to insert their expectations and hope through naming. I had one elder brother, two elder sisters, one twin sister and one younger brother.”
“Father’s side always wanted a boy, sadly my first brother died when he was very young, it’s not surprising my second brother was sooooooooooooo loved as a result. In contrast, girls got ignored most of the time and being judged on every aspect.”
“I guess - the moment I born I already knew he disliked me, he never hug me once.” Her eyes looked far away as if she was reminiscing the past.
“He always wore a strict face and seldom talked to me except when he scolded me. ‘In the naive girl’s heart, she still believed if she did better, it would change his mind!’ ”
“One time, I showed him the poster that won a competition, it'd turned into pieces. That medal I got from Sports Day got dumped into the rubbish bin. No exception to the ceramic figure made on the Father’s Day, it became fragments that couldn’t be put together again. Sisters tried to stick it back, but something, once it breaks, it’s impossible to restore.” She gave a smile, but it wasn’t showed in her eyes, they remained cool.
“ ‘She really tried, and didn’t give up at all.’ It’s so unfair, I tell you. He’s so kind to my brother, out of envy, I bullied him. It was fun to see him being embarrassed. But he was so - hurtfully sweet! He endured me, he protected and loved me just like my sisters. Even without friends and father’s love, my childhood was not too bad.”
“Then, father began to drink, his temper got worse when he was drunk. One day, he found a small cutting wound on brother - that’s because we were running around and he fell. He got unreasonably mad and grabbed my arm, asking why I hurt his son. I was shocked, father had never been that violent before. Gladly brother explained it and he let me go, it was scary still.”
She paused to curl her hair, “I thought it was just an incident, but it was just the beginning."
“Every time he beat me, he made sure there was no one but mother. When my sisters were there, they won’t allow him to touch me. Mother never stop him, the pathetic woman loved that man too much, she would only cry in sorrow while treating my wounds, nagging me with her soft and weak voice, not to tell anyone and hide them carefully if I didn’t want father to get into trouble. Endurance's a beautiful virtue in the core of our tradition.” She'd narrating it in an ironic way even the teaching was rooted in her mind.
“Like hypnosis, she always told me to bear with it and it’ll be fine. She touched my hair gently, it’s like she’s saying I’m a good girl. Still, It wasn’t never fine.” She twisted her forearm and stare at it hollowly. “It hurt but it hurt more when I saw the aching expressions my sisters made, thus I smiled and told them I’m okay. I’m quite a quick adapter. I learned to hide in the cupboard and waited until someone came back, I'd put some sweets in pockets when I got locked up and starved, I'd wore long sleeved baggy sweater to hide the wounds, I'd done different things to temporarily forget who I am and convinced myself everything would be fine.” She counted her fingers, talking it like she was ordering some delicious desserts.
“It took me some times but I did it. I knew he couldn’t get over the loss of his first son, it was the first biggest setback in his life. And so, that poor man needed a reason and he managed to find it. I didn’t hate him, really. He's as pathetic as I am.”
“I finally gave up on his love when he gave me this scar, the completely indifferent look told me he didn’t care. It’s sad how deep his hate was, there was no solution to it. I don’t want anyone to ask me about the scar, so I seldom reveal my legs.” She'd idly fondled over a spot along her calf.
“......Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, as always.” She beamed to the questioner almost like a natural reaction. “Life went on, he didn’t stop but my strength grew with adaptation…...I was wrong again, I'd made too many mistakes in my life. I thought my position was a daughter he hated, after ‘something’ happened - I found out he never see me as his girl. In his eyes, I was just a monster, a curse, a demon that took his son’s life.”
She was smiling, vaguely. “Even my mother - she - was scared of me. They both called me monster and said: I’ll make however love me suffer, the more I like someone, the worse their life would become. So I shouldn’t like anyone and deserves no love.” Their voices were loud in mind whenever she recalled that slice of memories.
“You’re drunk. You should stop talking.”
“Isn’t it true?” She'd asked naively. "I wonder what monstrous look I have in their eyes..." Her hands touched her face.
“My sisters left me, my brother in coma, my parents lost everything. I’m really what they said. Someone lives for themselves, but I live for someone. I know it's stupid. It was my siblings, my sisters that gave me the will to live - they knew it well. That was why they made me promise to live on behalf of them. To chain me in this world instead of following them, they knew I would try my best to keep it no matter how hard it is for me. They want the best for me, always.”
“I fear loneliness, I'd do wrong things, so I need to stay around people. Yet, I need to draw a line so I won’t put anyone in harm. It feels calmer to be with someone not knowing that side of me, the awful hideous me.” She put a finger on her lips, “Shhh.”
“Are you satisfied with my story?” She stared at the questioner, smiling with a blush on her face.
“You’re not a monster, you don’t look like one, don't be silly. It’s late, now get some rest. I should be grateful you won’t know what you’ve said the next day, or you would leave us.”
Like a good girl, she closed her eyes and let her consciousness be lost in sleep.
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