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 Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 4:44 pm
Late January 2016 It didn’t seem fair: the thought of dying a painful, agonizing death was no where near as daunting as the reality of trying to find some way to pay for the unknown amount of medical bills that Ilian now had to his name. Even with minimal insurance, there was no way everything was covered for him. A cast for his arm, bandages and numerous stitches, and a prescription for pain medication to help him breathe deeply while waiting for his broken ribs to heal, with the warning that he could develop pneumonia should he not make sure to breathe. Thankfully, there hadn’t been major damage to his skull or brain that the doctors could see, and he didn’t require surgery for treatment, but was still warned about possible headaches he could experience.
Ilian said nothing on the taxi ride to his apartment, his face already blanched white from the pain and the cost of his pain relievers. How he was going to afford recovering from what he’d been through, he didn’t know. The doctors had wanted to keep him in the hospital at least a few more days for observation, but Ilian refused, terrified of how much it would end up costing.
His movements were slow and deliberate as he picked himself up out of the cab. Thankfully his civilian clothing still had his wallet in one of the pockets, and he was able to pay the driver. Lovely had come with him to make sure he didn’t get kidnapped a second time, he assumed, since he’d been with him as often as he could since he woke up. On one hand he appreciated the gesture, but Lovely wasn’t exactly known for his bedside manner, so on the other hand, he wasn’t expecting much to come from his being there, other than company.
The sun was just beginning to rise, which meant that very few people were out and about. The apartment complex was quiet, which suited him just fine because he didn’t want to try and explain his absence, especially with butterfly bandages all over his face and his arm in a cast. He was lucky that the cuts on his face didn’t need stitches, but he also needed to make sure they were kept clean to lessen the risk of infection.
He’s been lucky, the doctors told him. Unfortunately, Ilian couldn’t get past thinking that dying might have been better than an impossible medical bill. <********,” he hissed as he fumbled the key from his pocket and it clattered to the ground, still several feet away from his apartment. Giving up on trying to retrieve it at that very second, he side stepped to lean heavily against the wall next to his neighbor’s door. Snow crunched under their feet as they exited the cab in the parking lot and made their way up to the apartment. Lovely, perhaps in an uncharacteristic show of support, stayed close to Ilian incase Ilian needed someone to lean on. It was probably stubbornness that kept Ilian from doing so. Lovely rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything about it, keeping his hands deep in his coat pockets.
He sighed when Ilian dropped his key. Lovely leaned over to pick them up and used them to unlock the door instead of digging out his own.
The apartment had changed somewhat since Ilian had last been there. The most noticeable difference was, of course, the window, which had still not been replaced. A tarp covered it, but it wasn’t enough to keep the cold out. The living-room was therefore quite chilly, even with the heat on higher than Ilian usually kept it.
Lovely stepped inside and held the door open for Ilian. He grabbed onto Ilian’s good arm to help him, even if he didn’t think his efforts would be appreciated. He shut and locked the door behind them, then guided Ilian to the couch and made him sit down.
There were other things Ilian might notice if he took the time to look around. A blu ray player had been hooked up to the TV. There was a stack of movies on the floor next to the dilapidated TV stand. A box of cheez-its was still on the coffee table from Lovely’s last movie viewing. In the kitchen, three boxes of cereal sat on top of the refrigerator instead of one. There were dirty dishes in the sink. A bowl sat on the kitchen table. Lovely hadn’t put it away after eating a meal of buttered pasta the night before.
“Do you want anything?” he asked, setting Ilian’s keys onto the coffee table. He didn’t look at Ilian, but stared off to the side awkwardly.Ilian groaned miserably as Lovely took hold of his arm as if he were an invalid, but he didn’t have the strength to jerk away. Instead he just slowed his steps, trying not to trip over anything as he was led to the couch to sit.
For what felt like a long time, he sat with his head leaned against the back of the couch, eyes closed. For a while he didn’t even respond to Lovely, instead just trying to force himself to breathe deeply without whimpering pathetically. He felt chilled and sweaty, but he couldn’t tell if that was because he had a fever or if it was just from the pain.
When he did open his eyes, the first thing he did look towards was the window. Which wasn’t there. And he stared at it in concern. “What the hell…” he breathed, before glancing around to observe the rest of the room. For a few moment he just looked around in bewilderment at all the additions to the room.
“What the hell…”
Apparently that was all he could manage to say.Lovely crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. He still didn’t look at Ilian, but he could see him looking around the living-room in his peripheral vision.
He didn’t really want to explain what happened to result in the changes. It was both embarrassing and frustrating and Lovely was tired of being harped on. Dorian and his mother continued to leave voicemails despite the fact that he refused to return any of their calls. He didn’t want to be lectured anymore, or accused of s**t he thought was beyond his control. It had been over a week and he was only now making decisions about what he wanted to do with his life now that he’d left home. He didn’t want someone questioning him. Or worse, telling him to leave.
He could lie about the window and say he’d found it like that when he came over. He was sure this area of town had its fair share of break ins. But he’d lied enough recently. He should get back into the habit of telling the truth.
“Someone’s coming by to fix the window tomorrow,” he said. He figured concentrating on the here and now was better than explaining what happened before. “The living-room and the kitchen are cold, but Trish let me borrow a space heater for the bedroom, so it stays pretty warm in there.”All Ilian could do was focus on breathing, and trying to clear his mind of all the sudden worries that suddenly started popping up. How was he going to pay for that? What was he supposed to do about school? What was he supposed to do about his ********… I missed so much work,” he groaned pathetically, feeling angry, frustrated tears spring up into his eyes against his will. “I missed my rent payment,” he added even more miserably, and threw his head back against the couch more dramatically than was necessary, misjudging the distance from the wall, but didn’t comment on his now painful head. He was in enough pain that he could just ignore it.
It took several more moments for Ilian to pick up on something Lovely had said, although he didn’t think he had the strength to comment on everything he wanted to.
“How the hell do you know Trish, ow…” he ended in a groan, lifting his head enough to eye Lovely curiously. “Have you been staying here??”Lovely focused his gaze on the broken window instead of looking at Ilian. He crossed his arms over his chest defensively.
“I called your boss for you,” he said. He kept his voice emotionless because it seemed better to act distant than to act on things like feelings. “I lied and told him you were in the hospital. Well, I guess it’s not really a lie anymore. But whatever. I think you still have your job, even though I have no ******** idea how you can stand working there.”
He felt uncomfortable. Lovely wished he didn’t even need to have this confrontation. It would be much better for him if Ilian just shut his mouth and went along with everything without questioning it.
“Your rent is paid,” he continued. “I went down to the management office and paid it in cash. You know, if you set up your bills to be paid electronically you wouldn’t have to worry about missing a payment since it would just be taken out of your account automatically.”
As for whether he’d been staying there… that was the question he wanted to answer least, but it was also the one question he couldn’t get away with not answering since it was pretty obvious that he had, indeed, taken up residence there.
“I left home,” he admitted.
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 4:45 pm
There were a lot of things Ilian wanted to say, wanted to ask. He didn’t even think about all the normal things in life that he normally worried about during the time he’d been locked up. But now, even with everything else he was concerned about, all he could do was stare in confusion at Lovely.
“What…?” he asked weakly, trying to wrap his mind around what was going on. He didn’t even ask about the window, or anything else in the room, but he was concerned about why Lovely left. He wanted to ask what happened, but also didn’t want to be pushy or nosey. This was weird enough for Lovely to hang around as long as he was.
Ilian looked the other over a little longer, before turning away to rest the side of his head on the back of the couch. And then after a few moments, shifted his body so that his torso slid down the back of the couch and ended up half laying, half sitting.
He immediately regretted the decision and whimpered pathetically again from the pain and his own stupidity.
Lovely scowled at the window. He wished Ilian would have focused on the other parts of his answer, the job and the rent, and maybe gone on to express his gratitude that both had been handled in his absence. Instead, he focused on the thing Lovely didn’t want to talk about, because it was harder to explain what was going through his mind at the time.
He still didn’t really understand it. What came over him? Why had he left without a second thought, and then refused to return? He had no explanation for his actions in those initial days. Now things were a little bit different. Now, in an attempt to teach him a lesson, Claude had cut him off from all financial support. One might think Lovely would sulk back to his comfortable world as a result. Instead, he thought he should teach Claude a lesson.
He could take care of himself. And he’d prove it. ******** Claude for treating him like a child.
“I left home,” he said again, since it didn’t seem to have processed through Ilian’s brain the first time. “s**t happened. Dorian pissed me off, so I left. Claude cut off all my cards because he’s a ******** a*****e and thinks he can just get away with ******** me over.”
The thing was, Claude could do just that. Lovely couldn’t really do much about it except try to find some way to survive without his family’s help.
Ilian didn’t know what to think. What did Lovely expect him to think? Of course he was going to be worried. Lovely left home and now he didn’t have access to his money and now he was living at his apartment and there was no way Ilian could go to work like he was! What was he supposed to do to make sure they had enough food, and that the rent was paid? And still meet their quotas??
“Why the hell… would you do that??” he groaned, shifting enough to lay on his back, pulling one leg up on the couch, bent at the knee. The other was still over the edge. He brought his good hand to cover his face. He tried to ignore that it was shaking slightly.
“Go the ******** home, Lovely. It’s not worth living in this dump,” he tried to point out, because what was he going to do to support both of them, should Lovely end up staying there for long. He couldn’t live in this place. He said before how much he hated it. And it was cold and potentially dangerous and Lovely would no way be able to handle his neighbors.
Lovely rolled his eyes and huffed out a sigh and finally turned his head to look at Ilian.
“You’re going to regret lying down like that when you try to get up,” he said.
He didn’t like being told what to do and he made sure Ilian knew it by glaring at him. Not that Ilian was really looking at him, but just in case he did, Lovely wanted to make it absolutely clear that he wasn’t going to be ordered around. He could do whatever he damn well pleased. If Ilian had a problem with it, he could just shut up and deal. Lovely had everything under control.
Or so he told himself. Deep down he was pretty sure he was in over his head, but he was too proud to admit it.
“I’m not going home,” he insisted. “I told my family they could ******** off when they tried to make me, so if you think you’re going to be able to convince me, you’re wrong. I’ve already made up my mind. I can do whatever the hell I want. They’re not going to call the cops on me. They’d rather let me suffer. They don’t think I can do anything by myself. ******** them. They don’t get to control me or judge me or ******** with my life.
“It’s either this or go back to France,” he said. “I can’t do that. Not with all this Negaverse s**t. Like hell I’m going to go over there and do this by myself when it’s your fault I’m even involved with it to begin with.”
Lovely blew his bangs out of his face and stared at Ilian like Ilian was being a child about everything.
“No, you don’t get to die,” he said. “You don’t have any ******** idea what you put me through, and all because you were a ******** idiot and went out on your own. One of your neighbors reported you missing and the ******** cops showed up at Dorian’s door to take me in for questioning. Dorian decided he didn’t want me hanging out with your stupid a** anymore because he thinks that you’re a bad influence and that you like to beat the s**t out of me.”
Strangely, his harsh language didn’t have as much bite behind it as it usually did. His voice sounded flat, like he was just trying to recite the facts with as little emotional involvement as possible. Cursing was just a part of his nature, apparently. Even when he was trying to be cordial the words still slipped out.
He wasn’t really all that mad anymore. Sure, he was still pissed at his family and absolutely refused to talk to them, but his anger at Ilian had faded somewhat. He’d gotten used to the idea of being stuck here, and, even though it was a huge inconvenience, he was resigned to the fact that he no longer had access to a ready supply of cash.
“I should hate you,” he said. “You’re the only reason I’m in the Negaverse and now it’s ******** up my entire life, but you know what? ******** it. I don’t need Dorian, or my mom, or Claude, or the ******** house or car or any of that bullshit. If you don’t want me here, then… whatever. But I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 4:46 pm
The more Lovely explained, the more difficult it was for Ilian to wrap his head around what exactly was going on. One of his neighbors reported him missing? At least someone realized he was gone.
“And that’s when you found out? When the cops showed up?” he wondered, almost bitterly, remembering how Jericho had his family to go back to. “Your brother never wanted you hanging around me,” he added, lowering his hand from his face to frown in frustration at Lovely. Of course someone like Lovely and his family would think so poorly of him. He was poor, lived by himself, went to Hillworth. He was sure they thought he stole from their house and probably reviewed any security footage each time he left their house.
Still, he did notice the strange way that Lovely didn’t sound… quite as bitchy as he usually did. Ilian figured it was because it was the crack of dawn and he was just as exhausted as Ilian.
“I’m sorry I ******** up your life, okay? If you don’t want to do it, then don’t. I’ll keep up your quota,” he offered, looking up to glare at the ceiling in pain. “You should hate me.”
“Yeah, well, no one gets to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do,” Lovely said.
He hesitated and tried to determine how much he actually wanted to tell Ilian about what went down while he was missing. Some of it was sort of embarrassing. Maybe he should wait until later. But if he waited, he knew he’d just keep putting it off, and then he’d have to deal with Ilian badgering him about it, and it wasn’t like Ilian wasn’t going to find out eventually, considering his neighbors pretty much witnessed it all.
And were responsible for some of it. At least as far as the initial boyfriend assumptions were concerned.
“I knew you were missing before whoever the ******** it was reported it to the cops,” he admitted. “Check your phone. You have a s**t ton of texts and two voicemails. You don’t have to listen to them. It’s just me bitching at you. I thought you were ignoring me. But then you missed our recital, so I figured you were either missing or dead, since you wouldn’t have missed it even if you were sick. When I came over your bike was here but your apartment was dark and you weren’t answering the door, and Alex said he hadn’t seen you since the week before. I could pretty much figure s**t out from there.”
He wanted to ask exactly what had happened to land Ilian in captivity, but he was sure it would only piss him off if he heard it, so he didn’t bother.
”Phone’s dead,” Ilian grunted, but he believed him enough to not bother trying to look. Of course now he was even more upset that he’d missed a recital, and couldn’t play the piano until his arm healed. Just the thought made angry tears spring into his eyes again. “********…”
He knew it was his own damn fault for getting kidnapped. He should have been more careful. But he wasn’t going to live his life making sure someone was there to babysit him the whole time. He was still going to go out on his own, despite whatever Lovely or Jericho said.
“Did you break into my apartment? How do you know Alex? and Trish?” he asked, coughing and groaning because the coughing hurt. “Forget it,” he decided, figuring it wasn’t worth arguing with Lovely about. There was too much going on.
“Where are you going to sleep…”
Because he just realized he only had one bed, and whoever was on the couch would probably freeze...
Lovely almost felt bad for Ilian, what with all the grunting and groaning and the obvious amount of pain he was in. He saw the tears in Ilian’s eyes and frowned. Lovely really wanted to b***h at him some more, but for some reason he just… couldn’t. As annoyed as he was, as mad as he was, the sight of Ilian in so much pain actually made him feel guilty.
He didn’t like that. It was weird. He felt weird. He didn’t know what the ******** was going on, but he wanted it to stop. He was creeping himself out.
“You can sleep on the bed,” he said, in a rare show of generosity. He was actually surprised at himself. He’d had every intention of claiming the bed for himself until now. “I’ll… ********, I don’t know. But I’m not sleeping out here. I’ll take the couch cushions off and bring them into the bedroom and sleep on the floor or something.”
Lovely paused and was quiet for a moment. He shifted on his feet awkwardly and glanced down to look at the floor. He told himself to shut the ******** up before he said something he’d regret, but he was already on a roll with all this honesty s**t, so his mouth kept running.
“Also, everyone thinks I’m your boyfriend,” he spat out before he could think better of it. “Play along. Everyone’s real sympathetic about it. Trish keeps giving me stuff and Ashley brings over food. It’s awkward as ******** but you better believe I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth.”
”I’m your what?!” Ilian nearly sprung off the couch and immediately regretted it. He managed to get halfway up, but it was way too quick and it made him lose his breath and his legs crumpled beneath him. He hit the ground hard, catching himself with his good hand before he fell completely.
The medication was only enough to dull the pain, and he sobbed bitterly, in pain, and angry about his inability to do anything. “What the… hell…” he cried now, but it wasn’t tears of anger, despite his words. He wished he could be angry, but he was just confused and felt so lost.
He’d been gone for over a week, and everything seemed to have changed.
He missed his brother. Lovely wanted to get away from his, but Ilian would have done anything to get his back. He curled up on himself as much as he could with the pain his ribs caused him, ugly tears now falling from his eyes.
It wasn’t even as though it was that horrible of a thing, but not even getting a say in the matter, after going a whole week of expecting to die… He just felt like he had no control over his life any more. Lovely gained control over his own, but in the process took over Ilian’s life.
He’d expected Ilian to be weirded out by it more than anything. Maybe a little angry. But not like… this. This just made Lovely feel uncomfortable. He winced when Ilian shouted and sprang up, lifting his head to look at him with an expression that said “what the ******** am I supposed to do about it?”
The crying got to him. Lovely dug the toe of one of his shoes into the carpet and crossed his arms a little tighter over his chest. He shouldn’t be bothered by it. It wasn’t like Ilian had never cried like a little b***h before. Lovely always got a severe case of the awkwards when it happened, but he’d been through this at least a couple of times. It shouldn’t be anything new. That was just… Ilian. s**t happened. He got angry. Or… upset, or something. Sometimes he cried over it. Lovely could sort of understand it considering how much Ilian’s life sucked.
Although, until now, he hadn’t really realized how badly it sucked. He’d looked at Ilian’s lack of a family as if it was just another part of life. It hadn’t concerned him. He didn’t have any part in it. Besides, Ilian was getting by. There hadn’t been any reason for Lovely to feel all torn up over it.
But now he was without his own family, and even though he was slowly getting used to the idea, he was still scared. It was better now that Ilian was back, though. He felt a little more level headed and a little less likely to cry over every shitty thing.
But now there was… this. Lovely didn’t really know what to do about it.
Hesitantly he moved toward Ilian, watching him cry on the floor for a while. Eventually he uncrossed his arms and crouched down and… awkwardly put his hand on Ilian’s ********,” he said. “What do you want me to do?”
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 4:47 pm
Ilian continued to cry, having been unable to reveal any of his fear or emotion in the face of the White Moon. He was angry at them, for what they’d done, but… part of him wished he’d died. Now that he was back home, there were bills and pain and he was alone and scared.
He unintentionally flinched when Lovely put his hand on his shoulder, but didn’t react much beyond that. Except maybe cry harder. It was embarrassing and he hated being so emotional, but he also hated losing what little control he had. And it wasn’t as though he even wanted the control for himself. It was forced on him. He didn’t have a choice. He was on his own because it was so much better than being forced through foster care with horrible people who were from horrible situations and backgrounds.
He wanted Sorin. He wanted to be able to cry against his brother, only to be told it’s okay and that everything would work out. That they would soon have enough money saved up to rent a recording studio for a few hours. That they would take the songs they composed together and show the world who they were. That they were not just orphans. That they had talent and purpose and were alive.
But now Sorin was gone, and Ilian was alone.
He didn’t know what to say when Lovely asked him what he wanted him to do. He needed someone to be there and let him cry. Lovely might have taken away the little control he had over his life, but at least he was there. Ilian couldn’t decide if it would have been better or worse if Lovely hadn’t been there with him.
Finally, when his still sore and bandaged wrist got tired of holding himself up, he shifted back so he could turn into Lovely’s shoulder and chest, his good hand reaching up to cling to his shirt. He hated this, but his emotions were all he had left for himself.
Ilian was crying against the only good coat Lovely had with him. This annoyed Lovely a little bit, since it wasn’t like he’d be able to afford these sorts of things anymore and he wanted to preserve what he had, but he reassured himself that tears were just water. It wasn’t like it was going to stain. He could deal with it. It would dry and his coat would go back to normal.
But it was still really, really awkward. Lovely had no idea how to comfort someone. He was pretty sure it was because so few people had ever comforted him—partly because he’d never had much of a reason to be so upset before, and partly because his family was just kind of like that. His mother would stroke his hair and cradle his face and kiss his forehead, but she wasn’t really very nurturing. To her, he was just something cute and pretty that she loved, but there wasn’t any drive in her to be maternal.
And his brothers were just… clearly not the best at comfort.
So Lovely just kind of kneeled there stiffly and let Ilian cry. He didn’t shush him because he thought it was weird. He didn’t really touch him all that much because he thought it was even weirder. Physical contact was not a common thing in his family. His mother hugged him sometimes, but that was it. He didn’t know how to hold anyone, or even how to be held.
He could sort of understand, though. Ilian had been through a lot. He was in a lot of pain. Lovely would probably be crying, too, if it was him. Hell, he’d cried about running away from home and not having any money, and that was nothing compared to being kept in a jail cell and tortured for days on end.
He didn’t know what to say, so he just started rambling and hoped something he said (or even just the sound of his voice) calmed Ilian down a bit.
“I took $3000 out of my account before Claude was a ******** douche and cut me off,” he began. That should help, he thought. Having money would make things a little less stressful.
“I bought some food ‘cause you were kind of low and I was hungry and your cereal was stale. Then I went to the ******** mall. That place is a s**t hole. But it has a Macy’s and that place is more tolerable than some of the other s**t department stores. I bought you some jeans because the last time I saw you the ones you were wearing looked a little short. You have some new shirts, too. If you want, we can go get you your own suit to wear at recitals. That was kind of one of the things I forgot to bring. I wasn’t really thinking and I was in a rush, so… whatever. If you need anything, I can go out and get it. Or if you want anything. You know… if it’ll make you feel better. $3000 should last until you get back to work. We’ll probably have some left over. And Trish is helping me find a job.”
It was really, really weird listening to all the things Lovely had done with him in mind. Even though he had taken it upon himself to allow a stupid rumor like them being boyfriends spread, and moved in. This wasn’t like Lovely at all. He was spoiled and selfish, but for some reason Ilian didn’t mind. Lovely used to just be a rival that he could work towards being better than, but they’d also been through a lot of things too. Even before they were taken into the Negaverse, Lovely had been generous enough to allow him to borrow his suits.
If anything, Lovely’s voice was soothing. Even if he didn’t do anything but let Ilian cry against him, that was fine. He just needed some time to let out his sorrow and anger and pain. Lovely was no Sorin when it came to comfort, but Ilian knew it was more than what Lovely would have normally offered.
Maybe it was because Lovely knew he’d been through hell with so many others who had been taken. He wasn’t sure.
Eventually he calmed. He was still in pain, but his emotions were slowly being reigned in. He was most surprised that Lovely admitted that Trish was helping him find a job. Lovely? A job? When he had so much he could easily go back to if he wanted. He didn’t have to stay in this dumb. He could live a comfortable life with plenty of money and never needing anything.
“Sorry,” Ilian eventually said when he’d calmed down enough, pulling himself away from Lovely so he could sit back against the couch on the floor. He was just so tired and in pain. He wanted to sleep, but didn’t know if he’d be able to make it to the bed. And he didn’t want Lovely sleeping on couch cushions either.
“I… planned on dying…” he admitted, feeling guilty for it. “I thought I was going to die. I was ready for that. I’m… I don’t know if I’m ready for all… all this…” he said, indicating to his arm and to the various items Lovely had through the living room and to the window as well. “I don’t know what to do…”
Lovely didn’t like to hear Ilian talk about dying. In his mind, dying was something that should only happen to old people. He knew that wasn’t always the case, and shitty things happened to people that left them dead long before they were old, but he’d never experienced that sort of thing in his life. Everyone he knew who had died had been old. Young people dying hadn’t been a thing in his perfect little bubble.
But now his bubble was broken, and he had to come to terms with things he’d never really had to consider before. One of those things was death. Ilian could have died. Lovely had even entertained the thought that Ilian might never come back. He didn’t like it. It made him very uncomfortable. To hear that Ilian had actually planned on dying was… well, it was awful. And it made Lovely feel even more guilty, which he hated because it made his stomach upset and his chest hurt.
He wasn’t used to feeling these things. He was kind of scared by it.
Lovely let Ilian pull away, but he remained kneeling on the floor, trying to figure out something to say that wouldn’t be mean or insensitive. It wasn’t like him to put so much thought into the things he said, but he was making an effort. He hoped Ilian could see that.
“Well… the window’s going to be fixed, so… that’s not really anything for you to worry about,” he said. “The rest of the stuff… I mean, I can put the cheez-its away. And I can find somewhere to put the movies that isn’t on the floor. I just got so ******** bored here by myself and I needed something to do. I can… I don’t even ******** know. If it’s really not something you want, I guess I can find somewhere else to stay. Maybe if I got a decent job I could afford my own dumpy apartment. I just… I don’t want to go home. It probably seems so ******** stupid to you, and it is, but…”
He didn’t know how to explain himself. He didn’t know what was going on inside of his own head. He just knew he wanted to be away from his family. The reasons for it were a jumbled ********,” he said. “Just… ********. I don’t have any idea what I’m doing. I got so upset about everything, I cried like a little b***h in front of Trish. I don’t know jack s**t about living on my own, but I’ve been told I can learn s**t like cooking and cleaning, so… ********. I’m so ******** bad at this. Tell me what you want me to say and I’ll say it.”
Did he want Lovely to stay somewhere else? He knew he’d said it of course, but did he really mean that? He could tell that Lovely was putting in an effort at that he was going to say. It was strange. He wasn’t used to it. He told himself it was only because he’d been missing for a week and… he didn’t know… maybe Lovely was worried for him? It sounded like a strange thing for Lovely, but perhaps?
As for the items around the apartment, Ilian shook his head lightly. He knew what he’d gestured to, and it wasn’t so much of the items that he wasn’t ready for, but the concept as a whole. People thought he and Lovely were boyfriends. Lovely was staying at his apartment and paying his bills for him. Lovely was planning on getting a job. Lovely knew more people around the apartment complex than he’d ever bothered to meet before, and all just in a week or less.
When Lovely asked him what he should say, Ilian was surprised. He still had tears falling from his eyes, but lifted his good hand to try and wipe them away without irritating the cuts on his face.
But what could Lovely possibly say to him that would make him feel better? Did he really want Lovely to leave? No, of course not, but he knew the reality of living in place like this would probably be too much for him. And it wasn’t like Lovely to show any selflessness like he was showing now. It was just… so strange.
“Will you really stay with me…?” Ilian asked cautiously, pausing in wiping away his tears to pick at one of the bandages on his cheek. It throbbed painfully. He wondered if he needed another dose of medication.
“Because… I don’t… want to be alone,” he admitted miserably. For all he knew Lovely was just staying there until he realized how difficult it was and then would leave. And then he would be alone again. He hated being alone, but sometimes it was better than being with people who were absolutely horrible, like in the foster system. He would take being alone any day over that.
And then he wondered with a groan, “You couldn’t have said we were just friends? Or cousins?”
Lovely frowned and slapped Ilian’s hand away from his face.
“Don’t pick at it,” he said. “You’re only going to make it worse.”
As for whether or not he was really going to stay, as much as Lovely would rather make the decision for himself, he knew it all came down to whether or not Ilian wanted him there. If Ilian wanted him gone… well, he didn’t know what he’d do. He could try to find another place to stay, or… see about maybe getting his own place, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t be that easy. In that event, he probably would end up sulking back to Dorian’s place.
He didn’t want that. If he went back, he’d just prove to his family that they were right.
Lovely sighed heavily. The boyfriend thing was hard to explain. It’d happened before he realized it, and then by the time he got around to playing along with it it was already too late to stop.
“You can blame Alex,” he said. “He asked if I was your boyfriend, and he didn’t believe me when I said ******** no. Then when I broke into your apartment to make sure you weren’t dead in here, everyone threw a ******** fit about it so I told them I was your boyfriend so they’d just back the ******** off. Then the police came, and someone already told them I was your boyfriend, and I couldn’t deny it because it’d look suspicious and I didn’t want to deal with all their ******** questions. Dorian hounded me about it when we got home and said I couldn’t see you anymore. We argued. He grounded me. I left.”
He paused and thought that sounded a little weird. And it was. Being grounded was a stupid thing to run away for, which put most of the focus on the fact that Dorian didn’t want him seeing Ilian anymore, which had to make Ilian wonder why he even cared about that. Lovely felt his face heat up a little bit and told himself he just didn’t like being told what to do.
Which was true, but… sort of a weak excuse.
“It doesn’t take much effort to play along,” he said. “It’s not like we have to… do anything, or… whatever.”
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 4:48 pm
Ilian felt the blood rushing to his face as Lovely explained just how easy it was to pretend that they were boyfriends, and that doing anything wasn’t necessary. Then again, it was probably a good thing that his face gained some of its color back after looking pale and sickly for days, even though Ilian might very well die from embarrassment.
“Oh my god,” he groaned, staring at Lovely, practically trying to back away from him. “Oh my god, why would you say something like that??” Why would Lovely even think that it needed to be implied that they didn’t actually have to do anything in order to pretend to be boyfriends.
But the other thing that made him confused and feel awkward was the fact that Lovely decided to leave home after being told he couldn’t see Ilian any more. And that only came up, he was sure, because of the assumption that they were boyfriends. Why would Lovely have cared when he was faced with the decision of being grounded and running away over just agreeing to never see him again??
“What the hell were you thinking?” he coughed, his voice weak and his eyes still wide as he stared at Lovely, trying to figure out what the heck was going through his head.
Lovely rolled his eyes. It was good to see some color back in Ilian’s face. It made him look a little less near death, which was obviously a good thing. Unless you were Ilian, who apparently would have rather died.
“You don’t have to be such a little b***h about it,” he said. He stood up again and crossed his arms back over his chest, choosing to glance off to the side instead of looking at Ilian on the floor. “It’s just sex. And we’re not having it. So it’s not a big deal. No one has to know.”
It embarrassed him to talk about it though, because then his mind started acting without his consent and brought up a bunch of gross images he’d be better off without.
He made a point of not telling Ilian that he’d told Alex Ilian was the woman in their little fake relationship. He didn’t think that would go over very well. Maybe he’d admit to it one day, but that wouldn’t be until Ilian’s ribs had healed and he wasn’t wearing a cast anymore. You know, just to be nice, so Ilian could freak out and b***h at him without hurting himself. Lovely thought he was being really kind and considerate for making that decision with Ilian’s best interests in mind.
As for what he was thinking, well… he didn’t really know how to answer that question.
“I have no ******** idea,” he said. “********, I know it’s ******** stupid, but I’m here now and I don’t give a damn about going back, so let’s not worry about what was going through my ******** head at the time, because it doesn’t make any ******** sense and I’m honestly tired of thinking about it and trying to come up with a ******** answer.”
He would appreciate it if Lovely just stopped telling him anything that might cause him to hurt himself. “It’s just sex?” he sputtered and coughed and groaned in pain. What made Lovely think that they had to have sex to be boyfriends. Not that they were!! It was just a lie Lovely came up with!
So Lovely had no idea why he decided that living with Ilian was suddenly a much better idea than to stay with his brother and have access to his money and his car and everything comfortable. Great. Okay. That was fine. Except now people thought they were boyfriends. Which, if Ilian thought about it, it wasn’t the worst thing, but it was definitely embarrassing! He’d never even bothered thinking about his sexuality because it never mattered ********,” he groaned pitifully, and shook his head. He was exhausted… too much so to worry about this any more. He struggled to push himself back to onto the couch, and then onto his feet, and shuffled his way towards the bathroom. He felt gross and just wanted to go to sleep, but when he turned on the light to look for his toothbrush… well, there were two in the holder, but not one he’d been using.
“Where the ******** is my toothbrush?”
Lovely, in another rare show of consideration, almost moved to help Ilian up. It was obviously a struggle for Ilian to get back onto his feet, but he seemed to manage it well enough, so Lovely stayed where he was and did little more than look at him.
“Hey, don’t look at me. Your neighbors are the ones who assumed you were gay. I’m just doing it because I get something out of it.”
That was all. People were nice to him. They gave him things. They sympathized with him because they thought he was all torn up about his boyfriend being missing. Not that it hadn’t bothered him that Ilian had been gone, because it did, but he got a lot more attention from people by pretending to be Ilian’s boyfriend than he probably would have if he’d just said he was Ilian’s friend.
Really, he just had ulterior motives.
He stood there while Ilian dragged himself to the bathroom, but turned around when Ilian questioned the location of his toothbrush. Damn, and he’d been hoping Ilian wouldn’t even notice the difference.
“I got you a new one. Your old one looked like it needed to be replaced,” he said. For some reason he kept going instead of stopping right there. He told himself it was because it was funny to see Ilian freak out about things. It was way more normal that the clinging and the sobbing had been.
“I also kind of used it because I forgot mine when I left. So, because I’m apparently feeling pretty ******** considerate these days, I bought you a new one so you wouldn’t have to worry about that indirect kissing s**t. Not that you would have known, because I didn’t have to tell you, but I would have known, and it would have weirded me out to watch you brush your teeth and think about how our tongues touched the same thing.”
Ilian stared at the toothbrushes in the holder, his brows furrowing in frustration at the entire situation, but also trying to figure out which toothbrush was supposed to be his while Lovely decided to explain exactly what had been going through his head to prompt purchasing a new toothbrush.
“What the hell,” he groaned, reaching out to lean heavily against the counter with his good hand. “Why the hell would I care?? Do you know how many toothbrushes I’ve had to share in my life??” he glared, but only because he could see his face turning redder in the mirror. Foster care didn’t always treat kids well. But for Lovely to just assume he would be worried about that indirect kiss bullshit.
“You mean you were worried about that indirect kissing s**t! Don’t lie to me. What the hell has gotten into you??” he asked, coughing slightly as he got worked up.
“You broke into my apartment with the excuse I was your boyfriend, then you left your brother’s house after being grounded and told you can’t see me again, you switched out my toothbrush because you were concerned about indirect kissing, and you just told me it’s okay to pretend because we it’s not like we have to do anything!” he wheezed, stumbling back as he searched for the toilet seat to sit down on before his legs gave out from the strain of yelling.
“And why the hell would my neighbors think I’m gay??”
Lovely thought Ilian was overreacting.
Okay, sure, so the whole thing was a little awkward, but it wasn’t like it was bad. So what if people thought they were dating? There were worse things in the world than two guys getting it on (not that they were getting it on, because that was just weird and kind of gross in Lovely’s opinion, but if that was something they did, it wouldn’t really be that big of a deal).
Not that Lovely liked it when the assumptions first started, but he’d gotten over it by now and thought it was pretty awesome that he was getting stuff out of it. Maybe it was selfish of him (okay, it was really selfish of him), but he didn’t really want it to stop.
Lovely meandered over to the bathroom doorway and leaned casually against the doorjamb.
“Aren’t you?” he said. Since Ilian’s neighbors seemed to think Ilian was gay, Lovely was beginning to think it, too. “You should ask them. I wouldn’t have said any of that s**t if they hadn’t made the assumption. Besides, it’s not like there’s anything wrong with it. I don’t really give a damn who people want to ******** rest of Ilian’s ramblings Lovely left unanswered. Lovely thought he’d already made it pretty clear that he didn’t know what was going on inside his own head. At this point he was just winging it.
“It’s not like you have to hold my ******** hand when we’re out in public or anything. I’m not really the hand-holding type.”
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 4:49 pm
Ilian opened his mouth to respond but managed to look more like a fish gasping for air than actually responding to the question. His knee jerk reaction was to say that of course he wasn’t gay! Why would he be? But the reality of it was that he just never really thought about it before. What if he was? If people obviously thought he was gay, did that mean people could tell and he just didn’t know? But that, in and of itself, was absurd. How could he not know one way or another.
“What does it matter??” he sputtered instead, glad that the lid of the toilet had been down when he sat, because the last thing he needed was to fall into a toilet on top of people assuming he was gay.
“Just… shut up, okay??” he groaned, so tired of all of this. He nearly stumbled into the wall when he pushed himself back up to stand in front of the mirror, grabbing the first toothbrush he could reach, and shoving it under some running water. He didn’t care if it was Lovely’s or not. They both looked new, and if Lovely had an issue with it, then he could always just use the other toothbrush.
“Did I ever say it mattered?” Lovely said.
He didn’t think he had. He paused to go over the entire conversation in his head, but he couldn’t remember a time in which he’d say anything like that. At least not today. At this point, he was cool with anything so long as it meant he could stay here and continue to get sympathy from people.
He watched Ilian grab a random toothbrush and sighed. “That’s mine,” he said.
But it didn’t seem like Ilian cared about indirect tongue kissing. Lovely chose not to let it bother him. If Ilian just wanted to roll with whatever toothbrush he grabbed, Lovely wasn’t going to stop him. He could always use the other one.
He’d just really wanted the blue one. Oh, well. Purple wasn’t so bad.
“Look, you’re the one making it a big deal. We don’t even have to do anything to keep the lie going. Just let it be. People can think what they want and we can just go on with our lives the way we always did before. Except me. Since my life is drastically different now. But it’s whatever. Shouldn’t you be in bed anyway?”
”Shut up,” Ilian grunted as he put toothpaste on his new brush and shoved it into his mouth. He could care less about bullshit indirect kissing or whatever Lovely’s reasoning was. It wasn’t the most hygienic, but it was better than not brushing his teeth at all. He’d lived through some pretty unhygienic things, after all.
After over a week of not being able to brush his teeth, he made sure to be as thorough as he could, rinsing his mouth out and starting over after the first time. Just because he lived in a shitty part of town and didn’t have money didn’t mean that he couldn’t be clean.
Finally, when he was satisfied, he put the toothbrush back and turned to face Lovely with a glare. “Now I’m going,” he informed him, taking hold of the wall for support, the arm in its cast over his chest. He went to his dresser to first struggle with opening the drawer with one hand, and then to pull out the warmest pair of sweatpants he had. He pulled out a teeshirt as well, not thinking he could get the sleeve over his cast.
Refusing help even if Lovely offered it, which he doubted he would, Ilian struggled to change his clothes with one hand, whimpering from the pain every now and then. He was straining too much with his ribs the way they were, but he was used to being on his own and needed to get used to doing this for at least four to six weeks.
He practically fell over onto the mattress once everything had been pulled on, not bothering to try and get the blankets since he doubted he could move any more without causing more excruciating pain. He would just freeze that night.
At first, Lovely didn’t follow Ilian into the bedroom. Even if the indirect kissing wasn’t as bad as he was making it out to be, and even if they were pretending the be boyfriends (he hoped they were; he really didn’t want to lose the sympathy and the support they were getting because of it), that didn’t mean he wanted to see Ilian changing clothes. He supposed it wouldn’t be any different than changing around guys in the locker-room, but… things were already weird enough today. Might as well not make it even weirder.
When he was sure Ilian was done, Lovely moved from his spot against the bathroom door jamb and made his way over the short distance to the bedroom, huffing at how pitiful Ilian looked on the bed.
“You’re such a ******** baby,” he said, but there wasn’t any heat behind it.
He didn’t do anything about the fact that Ilian wasn’t using either the sheet or the comforter. Lovely didn’t really feel like struggling with it since Ilian’s weight was on top of both. But he did move to turn the space heater on, setting it on high to make sure the room would stay warm enough.
“Go the ******** to sleep or something. I’m going out for a little while. I have to get some s**t done.”
Lovely approached Ilian’s dirty clothes where Ilian had left them, digging through his pockets until he found Ilian’s cell phone. He put it on the bedside table and plugged it in so Ilian would have it close by.
“Call me if you need anything,” Lovely told him. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Don’t be surprised if I wake your a** up. You’ll need more of your medication by then.”
With that, Lovely turned on his heel and left the room, shutting the door behind him to trap the heat inside.
He stood there for a little while, letting himself stress out over the situation. On the one hand, he was glad Ilian was home because it meant he wouldn’t have to be alone anymore. On the other hand, they had a lot to work on if they were going to make living together work.
Whatever. They’d figure it out. Lovely already had plans to make things a little easier. And a little more comfortable. He just had to get his a** out there and hope Claude hadn’t gone to extremes when shutting down his cards.
With that thought in mind, Lovely left the apartment and made his way to the bank.
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