|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2016 5:10 pm
His fingertips pressed against the smooth surface of the door and he watched it creek open slowly. The room was dark aside from the light coming from the lamps beside their nightstands, and he walked in. His backpack dropped to the ground and he looked down, groaning at the small flecks of soot and asphalt that bounced down onto the floor. It was one of those little things that made him feel like everything was too much after it all.
He wanted to clean it, but the energy required was missing. He peeled off his jackets instead and set them on the coat stand before looking back to the warm light from their bed.
To where Jan sat. Alive. Alone.
He the wake of seeing him, he was reminded why he left, but his heart beckoned him to put more of a burden on it already. Today was too much. Living as too much. All of it was too much.
So instead, he licked his dry, broken lip, and called back a raspy. "I'm home."
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:55 am
Lawrence looked up from the book he'd read a hundred times before at the sound of the door opening and took in the sight of Melvin, bedraggled and scruffy, a state which for the other man was even more foreboding than it might have been for anyone else on the island.
He placed the bookmark and closed it.
"Welcome home." he said, unsure how he should feel right now, unsure what emotion was appropriate, if he should be joyful or upset, if he should be apologetic. He opted for no emotion at all, helpless in the paralysis of choice.
"Are you all right?" he asked, and it felt so redundant in the face of someone so obviously not.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 9:11 am
He body felt like dropping when Jan asked him, and he teetered on the borderline of breaking down. He instinctively moved towards the other, moving towards his bedside to reach out and touch him but stopped before looking down at himself. He was a mess and couldn't sink deep into Jan and the covers like he wanted, and he pulled his hand away reluctantly. He cradled his hands in the other and looked about and back at Jan.
"I'm..... Going to clean up real quick. Just... A moment." He said, absolutely pained that he had to even leave. That before he could even get close, he had to wash up.
He moved to the bathroom and turned on the water to heat up before he started to peel off layers of caked and torn fabric, feeling gravel in his hair and dust on his skin. His eyes went unfocused while looking at the bathroom tile work before he snapped back, biting his lip hard to keep any noise from echoing loudly and turned the shower in full blast. He was glad for the money he put into the showered. The high pressure drowned out a lot of noise.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 12:32 pm
Lawrence was almost pleased when Melvin moved towards the bed, desirous of nothing more complicated than human familiarity and warmth. He found those desires firmly dashed as the man excused himself to wash. Ah yes, he realised, there was the hygiene thing. It was a complicated issue and one which though more often than not made him feel venerated and respected sometimes made him feel either as if somehow he himself was unclean or that he was inhuman in some way.
Sighing he swung his legs out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, casually removing layers of clothing as he did so and setting them aside. He was less angular than he had been by sheer virtue of enforced mealtimes but there was still a very very long way to go before he'd be anything close to healthy.
Stepping into the shower, he did the only thing he could think of to do with someone who was very far away emotionally in a place he couldn't understand, not sure if it would get him knocked flat or yelled at. He put his arms around Melvin.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 1:41 pm
His glasses were set beside the sink, clothes not in the hamper. Too dirty. Filthy. Would stain Jan's and Rodney's clothes.
Instead he would leave it for later - a rare clause that excused thise screaming urges with exhaustion and rationalizing how messed could beget messes.
He was a mess.
His hand rested against the wall as he stared down, eyes unfocused as searing hot water hit his head and shoulders, dribbling water down his nose and chin. The steam roamed around him and he heard the chittering whispers in his ear. The last flash of a hunter's coat. Bringing his hand up, he rubbed at his broken nails free of blood and the black flecks of gravel.
When the arms came, skidding pale and thin about him, his body jerked before he shoved out against him.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 1:50 pm
Lawrence knew what he was hoping for when he put his arms around Melvin.
What he was hoping for did not happen.
The shove was enough for him to lose his footing on the shower floor and to fall straight backwards, cracking his head off of the tile and falling dazed and seeing flashes of grey before his eyes.
Physical contact was evidently the wrong choice for someone emotionally compromised.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 4:21 pm
He whipped around as he heard the squeak of slippery skin and crack of a skull hitting solid wall and tile work. "Jan!"
Rushing forward, he grabbed the other and started to bring him upright, reaching out blinding between the spray of hot water and poor eyesight to turn the knob before turning back to him. Wiping away the water the dribbled down his face, he cradled the other man's head and looked him over.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry....I'm...so so..sorry..." The inspection that was his fingers checking to see if his head was cracked also turned into a soft petting of sorts shortly after he felt the man's head wasn't spilling it's contents into the drain. "Are you ok? " He looked around and back at the other.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 5:05 pm
There were a few moments which felt like being waterboarded and he wondered if this was how he'd die, drowned half unconscious in a shower. And then he was hefted up again in warm arms and poked and prodded.
His head was aching but thanks to the miracle of fear shields intact and not fractured.
"Yes, no." he said dazedly, trying to find his footing. "I did the wrong thing. I shouldn't have crept up on you. I should have given you space. I apologise."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 5:30 pm
"NO! No. I was wrong. I wasn't paying attention. I shouldn't have done that. I just - just..." Hurt everyone.
"Just....hold on. I'll help you." He looked around and was about to move out of the shower when he looked at his hands and still noticed dirt. He had barely been in the shower. Grabbing the shower nozzle, he turned on the water, sprayed himself quickly down and washed his hands, before dropping it to the ground and turning off the water.
Getting out, he grabbed the towels and wrapped Jan up, lifting him from the shower and back out in the bedroom. Dripping wet, he brought him back to the bed and laid him down, not comfortable with how easy it had been to carry the other man.
"I'm sorry I did this to you. I keep - doing these things. I should have been paying attention." He breathed out, moving to take one of the towels clustered around Jan's body to start gently wiping his head and face, hands shaking as he worked.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 5:38 pm
Lawrence lay dazed on the bed and quietly thought to himself that he should have just stayed with his book.
He reached out and took hold of Melvin's shaking wrist with his hand, slow and as serene and unflustered as always, even with the adrenaline from the fall thrumming in his veins.
"Melvin. Slow down. Relax. Breathe. Something is wrong with you. I don't care about the dirt at all, if you see any more, ignore it. Please sit with me and tell me what is wrong or I cannot understand."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 5:44 pm
He gripped the towel, but didn't pull from Jan's hold. "You know I can't ignore that!" He snapped back, knowing in the back of his mind that what shower he did take would only satisfy those thoughts for so long until one got loud enough to say he hadn't used any shampoo or body wash. That he just rinsed off.
Frustrated, but willing, he sat down, the mattress jumping from the force while Melvin used his free hand to wipe what parts of Jan down that he could. "I don't need to talk about this right now. I just got home. I can't deal with it all right now. About you. About me. About the mission. I can't think about it all." He didn't want to think anymore. Most of all, he wasn't sure he wanted to BE anymore.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 5:49 pm
Lawrence did not recoil but his silence was a recoil of a sort on its own. Melvin did not want to talk and almost sounded angry. The best thing to do with anger when one wanted it to abate was to remain passive, apologetic and calm.
So he did.
Looking away he nodded. "All right." he said evenly. "Then don't talk if you do not wish to. Take your time." he closed his eyes. "And I am sorry then, that I interrupted your shower."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 5:52 pm
He was quiet in turn, slowly wiping Jan down. Yet the other man's tone was only that of caring and he couldn't help but feel guilty of doing the same thing that he didn't want Jan to do.
"It's ok. I just didn't want you touching me...when I'm like this. My head wasn't with me anyways. I thought you were....something else." He sighed as he gave up drying Jan for now.
Slowly he leaned forward and sank in the bed beside him, turning to him as he closed his eyes a moment.
"..............why do I interest you?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:00 pm
Lawrence always basked in the attentions of the other man, quite happy to be fussed over, but he seemed more distant even than usual, when Melvin gave up, rolling onto his side to look at him, his expression unreadable. He didn't want him touching him was the statement he took away from it, whatever the reasons he had found a place and time where - when vulnerable - Melvin pulled away from him.
It seemed to him like the decision with Horace had instilled faint and almost invisible cracks in the very foundation of what he had built or at least that was the best he could assume.
"Why?" he asked and couldn't help but feel exasperated, convinced everything should be self evident. "Because there is no one else like you, because you are loyal. Because you are who you are. You are /there/, even when you shouldn't be. Or were. Perhaps that is over or perhaps it will be when you deign to speak about it."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:07 pm
The old argument, the old thoughts, and the old mental game he played with himself before came back, but it lacked as much heat and energy as before. He was still tired, and that was probably for the best.
"...because when you say Horace and I are just a interest, it makes it seem like it's something you can easily get bored of...and I think I'm rather boring. It makes me think that whatever is holding your interest now, won't later on. I don't know if I should be walking on eggshells now. Now when there are other people who can be there for you. Better people that won't hurt you.........that one day you'll loose interest."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
