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 Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:27 pm
crash
Staten Island's number two claim to fame, second only to the dump you could see from space, was Todt Hill, the highest peak in all of New York City and most of the eastern seaboard. Ben didn't really care very much about any of that. All he knew was that for some reason, everybody said it Toad Hill, and that name filled him with the same whimsical pleasure he gleaned from his dad's bedtime stories. Whenever anyone mentioned the hill, his mind sparked with visions of talking animals, streams infested with tiny mermaids, and adventures that would take him far away from doctor visits and whiny sisters and neighborhood kids who preferred stealing his bike to riding around the block with him. Bennett secretly lived for the day when going over the hill would lead to a magical world instead of just the stinky old mall.
That was where Liv and Dad were today, picking out a dress for her preschool graduation, as if mastering the coloring book was something that anyone actually needed to celebrate. Bennett was in second grade where they did math and learned cursive. There was no nap time. He was all grown up and nobody was throwing him a party over it.
He tried to be genuinely upset, but jealous pouting was something he had never really gotten a handle on. Anyway, it wasn't like he wouldn't get any of the ice cream cake his parents had bought or a couple of Olivia's balloons to play with once they were through with being decorations. There would be other trips over Todt Hill too, and the next time they went to the other side, he would make sure he was there with them.
Three hours after Dad and Liv were expected home they got the call, though Mom had started panicking long before then. In that moment, everything changed. The hill wasn't magical. It was just some stupid pile of rocks and dirt that had killed his father.
[ march 11, 1991 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:31 pm
hello
The way his stomach dipped when he shook Vic's hand was unexpected, a curious sensation that started out as clammy panic but soon spread, warm and slow, from the tips of his toes to the crown of his tousled head. In hindsight he concluded the reaction probably had more to do with the other boy's crooked grin than his slightly damp palm, but at the time Ben had been more concerned with keeping the flush from his cheeks than pondering why it was there.
"Hey. I'm Bennett." With the mumbled introduction behind him, he was free to turn his attention back to Olivia as his fingers went lax, giving his sister the same once over he had thousands of times in the past nine years.
too hot? too cold? thirsty? hungry? breathing right? crying? unconscious?
She looked a little flustered herself, but she got that way around a lot of guys, which was why it was so important that he... not. It had never been a problem before. He cleared his throat, suddenly itching to leave.
"We should—"
"Hold up... Rabbit? Is that what you said? Like all Bunnicula and s**t? Cool."
No, it wasn't. Bennett chuckled anyway, unable to help himself. He looked up, meeting the other's gaze for the first time and instantaneously wishing he had not. Vic's eyes were wide and blue as the sea, the pale grey around his pupils a brewing storm. There had to be a million better nicknames out there, but none of the others had been given to him by Vic ******** Doyle. It made all the difference. Ben forced his lungs to expand even though he was drowning.
"Yeah. Rabbit. Call me Rabbit."
[ august 2, 2000 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:32 pm
tattoo no. 1
"You tattooed my name on yourself? You silly b***h."
Vic scrubbed his hand over the short hairs at Rabbit's neck before slinging his arm over his shoulder and planting an exaggerated, buzzing kiss on his cheek. His stubble tickled Rabbit's skin and he squirmed, a giddy chuckle huffing out of his nose.
"No one's ever made me so permanent before."
[ april 3, 2002 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:40 pm
goodbye
He stared at the chipped ceiling of Vic's dorm room, bony chest working like a bellows as he fought to catch his breath. Everything felt gunky and slick, like he was lying in a pile of those dark little salamanders he saw that one time in the Poconos as a kid. What he and Vic had just accomplished had been exhilarating enough—and okay, fine, that last bit had been unexpectedly spectacular in its own way—but he still didn't quite understand why people made a habit of it. All he wanted right now was to take a shower and get his clothes back on. Rabbit sighed softly through his nose. He supposed that if doing this regularly managed to keep Vic from wandering off, he didn't much care if it eventually involved clown makeup and a theremin orchestra. It would be worth it.
This was his last hope. It had to work.
In the months that had followed their introduction they had been as close as brothers, and that had been more than enough for Rabbit. Besides his actual, real-life sister, he'd never had a cohort, and for a time, Vic acted like they'd been sharing secrets their whole lives. Had things remained that way, Rabbit could have contented himself with what he'd been given, but it wasn't long before Vic's attention had strayed to those who could give him what he wanted, and Rabbit recalled that the feeling of falling he had experienced the first time he'd looked into Vic's eyes had never truly left him. He might have been in love, had he known what to call it. He was definitely jealous, and his graceless attempts to counter that jealousy had led him here.
"Heeeeey." Vic's voice was a drawl, the tone one that Rabbit could barely tolerate on a good day, let alone right after he'd made a fool of himself. It usually meant he was going to be made to do something he didn't want to, and at the moment he lacked the focus to even remotely predict what that might be.
"Hm?"
"I've been thinking."
Bad sign.
"You're an interesting guy, right?" He didn't wait for Rabbit to respond. "And you've got plenty of other things to do that are better than this." Vic chuckled. He was as earnest as he ever got, but all Rabbit heard was that laugh, a chittering mockery. He shook his head, unaware that he was doing so.
"I don't. I... I'm just..." He turned to look at Vic, but Vic didn't look back. It seemed the ceiling was positively fascinating for them both.
"What did I...?" No. He was not going to ask what he had done to push Vic away, not when he knew they'd been moving apart from the moment they'd met. That didn't make it hurt any less. Rabbit's fingers flexed into painful fists. He sat up.
"Say what you're gonna say, man."
Vic didn't hesitate. "I can't stand this s**t anymore. The way you cling."
It wouldn't have been half as bad if he'd said it with any feeling, but Vic's voice was flat and tired, his gaze still on the ceiling. Rabbit's eyes began to sting. He pushed himself to his feet to get them to stop.
"Okay. Then I give up." Those five words were all that made it out before his throat closed up, dead and dry. He retrieved a smattering of belongings that might have been his on the way out the door, only barely aware that he was making his walk of shame in the buff.
Later, when he came back to himself, Olivia told him a tale of punching college students, crossing four lane highways, and stealing bikes, but even though he saw the security footage in time, Rabbit never recalled most of that night. What he did remember was Vic's whispered reply as he'd left, softer than he'd ever spoken before.
"Bye. Bennett."
[ september 3, 2002 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:46 pm
official
Rabbit wasn't sure why Liv was giving him some wrapped stack of papers instead of something a little more gifty. He didn't want to ask, not when he was fairly certain that every other word that escaped his mouth right now would broadcast the fact that he was on the drunker side of tipsy. In front of his mother, no less. He supposed it didn't matter. She had been the one to buy him all that wine in the first place.
"Papers." He tried for excited, but only managed sarcastic.
Liv snorted. "They're the preliminary forms you need to legally change your name. Mom and I did all we could as far as getting together your birth certificate and all the fees and stuff, but we can't go to the courtroom in your place or anything. It's on you now."
Halfway through her explanation, Rabbit started looking everything over, all the words blurring slightly as his attention meandered between sheets. It was a bit overwhelming, everything from the sheer number of boring things he was expected to sign to the fact that his mother was even okay with this in the first place. He restacked the papers once he had been through them once, using his knees as a clumsy level. It really was a very thoughtful gift. He had to clear his throat before he could speak again.
"I'm sorry, Mom."
That wasn't what he had meant to say. His mother rested a comforting hand on his back, taking a seat at the end of the sofa between him and Olivia's chair.
"For what?"
Wasn't it obvious? He was throwing away the name she and his father had chosen for him in favor of some idiotic misinterpretation made by a person he could no longer stand. Not that she was aware of that. Or maybe she was. For all he knew, Liv had filled her in on the whole sordid story.
"Well, I'd be shittin' all over Bennett, wouldn't I? I just thought you'd mind. Or Dad would."
"Your name might be strange as far as names go, but you've used it for, what, four years now? I'm used to it. Mostly. I do think you should be happy above all else. And as far as your father's concerned... he's not here."
The silence that followed raised the hairs at the back of Rabbit's neck, spreading to the ones on his arms and legs as the quiet continued. He hadn't ever heard his mother talk about his father unless she was forced to, and especially not in such a flippant way. Any responses he might have made fizzled and died as he came up with them. How was he meant to react? Did she need to be consoled? What did his sister think? As if she had heard his thoughts, Olivia drew in a slow, mock-affronted gasp.
"Jeez, Mom. How much chardonnay did you have?"
His mother's comforting hand made a few loose circles as she smiled at him. "You should see your face, dear."
"Well, I mean... Mom."
Yeah, okay. It was pretty funny once he got over the initial shock. He allowed himself the smallest of smiles. It felt blasphemous, which only made things more amusing.
"Thanks, guys," he said around a grin.
"We should have a toast!" Liv didn't drink all that often, but she had a supernatural love of toasts that Rabbit had never understood. With a shrug, he rose out from under his mother's touch and grabbed three glasses and some whiskey out of the cupboard. His sister held hers aloft once they had all been poured.
"To Rabbit, my beautiful, shining brother! May he rise from the corpse of some guy named Bennett without too much legal red tape!"
His mother raised her glass as well. "To Rabbit!"
There was nothing to do but follow suit.
[ september 5, 2003 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:50 pm
apartment
Their first apartment was nothing special; a studio with a fabric storebought partition that worked for them because neither sibling snored and Rabbit could sleep anywhere. The only good thing about living where they did was its location, but that location was very, very good. All of Liv's doctors were within fifteen blocks, and there were any number of bars, restaurants, and supermarkets nearby looking to hire people just like Rabbit year round.
It was at one of those jobs that he met a guy whose roof was always open as long as you didn't mind crawling up a ladder in a trash-filled alley. As fastidious as he was, Rabbit still didn't, but a lot of that had to do with the fact that Manhattan trash wasn't trash in the strictest sense of the word. Of course there was the occasional spoiled casserole or bag of cat litter left too long, but most of the time it was all blenders and styrofoam, especially in this neighborhood. Rabbit spent an entire winter up there, every morning between the time he clocked out until the time he was expected to help Liv to therapy, drinking and watching people hurry through their meaningless lives. His might have been meaningless too, but seeing just how pointless it all was made him feel better anyway.
[ winter 2003/2004 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:51 pm
tattoo no. 2
He was a few shots past tipsy when he stumbled into the tattoo parlor and turned a grin on the kid manning the counter. Rabbit's eyes were a little unfocused, but he still looked hurt despite his smile.
"I want this covered up." This was the word 'Vic' printed neatly on the inside of his wrist. Someone who knew him better might have been able to tell it had been traced off a sample of some of his more careful handwriting.
"Sorry, man." The kid gestured at a sign outlining their policy on tattooing the inebriated, which basically could be summed up in one word: NO.
"I'm not drunk. Look, I just want a black bar here, right?" He leaned forward on his elbow and pointed, tracing the phantom rectangle around Kevin's name.
"I said sorry. Sleep it off and come back tomorrow."
"And I said—"
"Don't fight, children." The gravelly voice was immediately followed by a large man in a black tank top, his salt and pepper hair swept to the left in a tousled mohawk. He narrowed his eyes at Rabbit. "I remember you. Didn't work out, huh."
"No." Rabbit was sullen now, his anger gone out as quickly as it had ignited. He didn't remember this guy, as memorable as he was, but this had been the place he had come to last time, so it wasn't outside the realm of possibility that he might have been remembered. "It didn't work out three years ago, but I'm just getting around to moving on."
The man chuckled, motioning Rabbit into the back. "Forget the sign tonight, Louie. I'm bored and this one's entertaining."
Rabbit couldn't decide if that was meant to be an insult, and a few seconds later he decided he didn't care. He followed the tattooist behind the counter and into the back, pulling a face at the back of Louie's head as he went.
[ june 6, 2005 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:53 pm
band
Of course he had ended up in a band. Even Rabbit could see how terribly cliched this all was and yet he had still agreed to the favor. Thankfully, it was only for one night, and he certainly looked the part. He could only hope that no one would be sober enough to notice that he was by no means their regular drummer.
"Five minutes, hon."
"Coming, Carla."
Rabbit grinned at her in the mirror as she passed the door behind him, the makeup around his eyes bunching into dark crescents. Too bad getting dressed up and handed a pair of drumsticks didn't give him some magical ability to play well. They'd gone through the set a couple of times the night before, though most of what he recalled centered around how much his arms started to hurt in the middle of Skeletons in the Water Closet, the fourth song of sixteen.
He pressed his hands against the glass-topped table and leaned closer to his reflection, reminding himself of all that Carla had done for him these past few months. She'd managed to pull him out of a jam involving some stolen property, an act that had generated more than enough gratitude to bring him here, though it did nothing to calm his nerves. Just last week she'd also landed him the cushiest day job he'd held in a while and offered to let him and Olivia move in while she helped them find a better apartment. Lately he'd started to feel like her doll, a plaything who would eventually owe her so much that he wouldn't be able to pay her back in his lifetime.
Still staring himself down, Rabbit reached for his back pocket, sliding a silver flask free with only the slightest creak. Like the clothes he had on, it was borrowed, but the mystery liquid inside still stopped his hands from shaking just as effectively as any drink he might have poured himself. This was the least he could do, but he was pretty sure that after this, he was done.
With several final adjustments to his leather pants, leather vest, and multitude of flimsy silk scarves, Rabbit hurried upstairs to join the rest of Hotness as the group took the stage. Just one night. It might even be fun.
[ july 27, 2008 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:55 pm
p***k
"He's ******** huge! Look at him! We'll never get another mouse in here again!" Rabbit danced around the frolicking animal, bouncing the plastic fishing rod he held in sync with his steps. Tiny claws latched onto the pompom at its end, or at least the claws would have been tiny had they been attached to a smaller kitten. At three months, this cat was already the size of an adult, and god only knew how much larger he would grow.
"I'm glad you like him," Olivia said, eyes glinting with mirth. "What do you think we should—"
In a fit of innocent excitement, the kitten abandoned his toy, leaping for Rabbit's naked ankle ******** p***k!" The fishing rod abandoned, Rabbit dropped to the ground, clasping his hands around the first of many cat-induced war wounds.
From that moment on, the beast had a name.
[ july 14, 2011 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:56 pm
ashdown
He was trying really hard to be an adult about this. Moving to Massachusetts was just as important as moving to the city had been, but knowing that and accepting it were two different things entirely. Rabbit wanted to get down on his knees and wail, to demand that Liv's stupid doctors and stupid insurance keep her right where she was, but even he couldn't be that selfish, at least not where his sister was concerned. She was doing really well with her new therapy, like, miraculously well, and there was no way he could take away the chance she might do even better, no matter how much he might miss home.
They knew more about her treatment in some shitty little hospital in Ashdown than they did in New York City, so Ashdown was where they would go.
Ashdown.
Bleh.
[ october 19, 2012 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:58 pm
job
Rabbit had been a bartender once or twice.
It was the only remotely relevant experience in his history that might have qualified him for a receptionist position, and even that was unlikely. As a firm believer in trying against all odds, however, Rabbit had applied anyway, more shocked than anyone when he learned he had landed the job.
Salon greeter. Him.
He had predicted it would go exceedingly poorly, and it had in some ways. Phones were easy, running credit cards was easy, restocking was easy. Basically anything that didn't involve direct physical contact with customers ran smoothly. But when he had to take a coat or make a return appointment, some people got a little confrontational. This wasn't a bar, and hunchy, inked up guys who smelled of smoke and laughed a little too loudly were to be avoided at all costs.
His boss adored him, as did Stanley, the cut and color guy who Rabbit was pretty sure Gloria was porking in the back when no one but him was around, and so he stayed, all but assured of a job for as long as he wanted. Despite the customers, it was nice. They were easy to ignore for the most part anyway.
[ november 3, 2015 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 9:01 pm
jim
A hole had opened in his chest and it ached every time he took a breath. He could make a guess as to what had been there before, but why waste the time? Whatever it was had gone, and he knew exactly who had taken it from him.
James Andrew Nielsen. Jim. Thirty-one years old. Six foot one. Sandy hair. Blue eyes. Caring nurse. The practically perfect man his sister had grown to love more than she loved him.
And wasn't that just the sickest ******** thing about all of this? Whenever he stopped being riled up long enough to think about what had done the riling, he had to wonder exactly what sort of unapologetically incestuous bullshit his subconscious was into. He envied his sister's boyfriend, for god's sake. He should have been happy for her.
In all fairness, this wasn't such an easy thing to quantify. It wasn't really envy, it was jealousy, simple and strong, and it had nothing to do with getting all Lannister on Liv. But knowing that deep down did nothing to soothe it. Rabbit might not have been primed for a daily surge of anger anymore, but when he did get going, he could slow-boil with the best of 'em. For three out of the last six nights he had idled outside Jim's house, chain smoking and wasting gas. Tonight was the fourth, his presence rendered even more pathetic by the lack of Olivia's. She was at home watching How to Get Away With Murder while her brother plotted one of his own.
He wanted to knock on the man's door and sucker punch him when he answered, but Jim was built like a giant... rock... thing, and trying something like that would only make his hand hurt. Liv wouldn't like it much either, and in the end that was enough to push him to turn the car around and make his way home. She was waiting for him when he got there, and even though he was pretty sure she knew where he had been, she gave him a hug and asked him to make her some hot chocolate. It was a Spongebob band-aid over a gunshot wound, but it made him feel a little better anyway.
[ january 9, 2016 ]
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 9:02 pm
fog
This past week had been one of the oddest on record. Not only was Rabbit pretty sure he had met about as many new people outside of work as he had over all of last year combined, but on top of that, there were the dreams. They weren't bad dreams, just dreams like no other dreams he'd ever had before. Formless things touched with a curious foreboding that he wished he could clarify. He couldn't even describe them when he woke up, other than to say they were weird.
And then there was the fog.
Gloria called him for the first time in... ever... to tell him Maverick was closed until it cleared up. Dr. Martin advised Liv to do her exercises to the best of her ability at home and to not put herself in unnecessary danger rolling around town all willy-nilly. Brother and sister sat on the couch with a bowl of popcorn between them, watching Repo and howling along, joyously off key. It was pretty great.
Rabbit liked to think it was because Jim wasn't there too.
[ march 18, 2016 ]
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