Raito wondered what it was like to be in love and to be happy about it. It wasn't something he could say that he'd experienced before, or would ever. His heart was gone, taken by his Sunshine without any hope of getting it back. Rai lifted his head from where it had been lowered, trying to figure out where he was. He'd been walking for awhile now, head down and lost in thought. Thoughts of Arioso and his girl, the Valkyrie. Simmering jealously clawed at his insides for a long second before he managed to get that under control. Ari was not his, would never be his. That much he was sure of now. So he had no reason to be jealous, no reason to feel so hurt.
But he did. It wasn't rational or even the way he wanted to be, but it is how he was. Obviously, he wasn't what ArI wanted. They were friends, but that's as far as it went, or would ever go. Because he was in love with someone else, had been, apparently, since foalhood. Maybe the fact that Rai had missed it spoke volumes about how he either lived in a world of denial or just... wasn't as close to Arioso as he thought.
So, he could add depressed and kinda of pathetic to his long list of feelings regarding Ari and his girl.
Maybe if he'd made a move sooner, told him sooner...
Maybe if he'd told him at all...
Raito didn't like all the maybe's and what if's. He couldn't change the past, and his future. Well, it looked to him like he was going to end up growing old and dying alone, since the soul that he loved loved another.
"What did I do to deserve this?" Rai muttered, lowering his head again. He didn't know where he was, didn't really care either, just kept plodding along, lost in a sea of torment. It just wasn't fair. He shouldn't feel this way over someone who was never his. He should be able to be happy for the younger stallion. He should... but he didn't.
A sick, sad feeling had swallowed him up, made him leave and wander away from lands that Ari would know, because he didn't think he could stand to face him now. Not without bursting into unjustified tears or throwing up on his hooves. Rai just... didn't know what to do, so lost in his own pain he wasn't thinking straight, or really at all. All of the Soquili he knew were Faythren by blood, family by blood, Arioso's family. It wasn't like he could go speak with one of them to try and sort out what he was feeling. He had the distinct impression that would not go over well, and it would get back to Ari, and it would just be bad.
Worse than wandering out in what felt like the middle of nowhere, pretty much acting like walker-bait?
Probably. He didn't want Ari to know, not now. Not ever.
It would just be nice to have a friend of his own, who wasn't attached to Arioso in anyway. Someone he could talk to, who could tell him what to do now. Instead, he was walker-bait. Might not be a bad thing, actually. There would be a fight, and he coul get his mind of anything but survival for a little while.
A twisted smile overtook his face. The fact that he would be happy to have a skinwalker attack him said a lot about his mental health. Or lackthereof, apparently.
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