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 Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2016 7:02 pm
Rep hadn't come back, that night, nor any of the days and nights following, and Jordan had concluded (fairly enough, he thought), that things had gone as he'd thought they'd go, and he was single again. He hadn't been down to the bar for a while, and he wasn't avoiding it, not as such. He wasn't avoiding Rep. Harrison ... well, maybe, to some degree. That was still raw. The exchange on Twitter had been weirdly, well, civil; Harrison had sounded almost friendly, and he usually didn't go in for the kind of subtly sarcastic mockery that the conversation about Jordan's hair could have been. Nevertheless, Jordan didn't feel like talking to Harrison. Not just yet.
He'd gotten the haircut from Stormy, and his head felt weirdly light without the weight of fiveish inches of hair that he'd been keeping in a ponytail or braid. He hadn't gotten around to doing the dye yet, and the cut had gotten rid of most of the red fade, so he was blond again, his hair feathering in layers around his ears and the nape of his neck. It looked fine, thank you very much, and not dowdy, he thought. It was a response to the breakup, and he wasn't blind enough to think otherwise; a concession, maybe, a statement that he accepted it, that he was letting go, if he could.
It was late when he slipped into the bar, late evening, around the time when he knew Rep would be taking a break from making drinks. He didn't know if Rep wanted to see him or talk to him. If he did ... well, then, that was up to him. Jordan was here, either way. He chose a booth off to the side, where he could drink quietly on his own if Rep preferred not to notice him, or where they would have a little privacy, otherwise.
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Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2016 7:21 pm
Rep spotted Jordan when he came in but at first didn't even register entirely who it was, engaged in collecting some empty tumblers from tables and setting them on the bar, he'd get someone else to clean them as always because he still had quite a bit of trouble when it came to cleaning things up to an appropriate degree. Work was something which kept him busy and kept him away from trying to pick fights on twitter to soothe his ill mood and lingering depression. Things had been thrown off kilter by the argument and he felt completely worthless and helpless, like he had caused all of it by trying to make a second go of things. In addition to everything else there was the issue that Harrison for the first time hadn't stopped him from making a terrible decision and hurting everyone and that he frankly couldn't blame the other man for that. He was supposed to be responsible for himself, the problems came from the fact that he wasn't.
When all the things were set aside he glanced over and actually noticed the other man proper, the difference in appearance catching his attention. He didn't even consider that Jordan maybe didn't want to talk to him as he wandered over to the booth.
"Did you actually cut your ******** hair?" he said, in what was probably the most obvious question ever asked.
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Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2016 8:02 pm
"Yeah," Jordan answered, a little defensively, and lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Said I was, right? I got tired of how long it took to dry." It wasn't a lie, not really; he had actually been annoyed by the time it took to dry the longer hair. But they both knew that wasn't all there was to it.
A kid Jordan didn't recognize had brought him a whiskey on the rocks, and he took brief refuge in it, because now that Rep was actually here he had no real idea what to say. The drink didn't offer him any answers, and when he put it down, what came out was, "You okay?"
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Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2016 8:38 pm
Rep had never been good at talking about the things which really hurt him, really bothered him. They all got buried deep deep down in him and never dealt with, added to a hoard far greater and more looming than the one which he maintained in real life. Sometimes he complained about superficial things, people and things which irritated him, in fact he complained all the time, it was a good way to detract attention from the things which mattered, the things which left him crippled and unhappy in ways which bled into his life at unexpected moments throughout every single day.
It all just never reached the surface and he didn't feel like letting it reach the surface now would matter, or help anyone. He'd made Jordan unhappy enough, he didn't need to inflict anything else on him, let him think he was fine, that things were and could be fine again. It was simple enough.
"I'm all right." he said, "And it suits you. I remember when your hair used to be real short, you always were more tidy and neat than long hair really fitted." Rambling about other things was easy and it came natural.
"I hope you are like, getting on all right. I mean as well as can be expected and s**t. I'm sorry it happened that way, I'm sorry I like, gave you hope and s**t. I didn't do it to be mean, I had hope too."
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Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2016 8:57 pm
"I can be tidy either way," Jordan said, and huffed a short breath, half-pretending an offense he didn't really feel, the pretense itself an shell of playfulness that wasn't quite true either, but was a part of the game they played, a hollow part. Maybe neither of them believed it, right now. It was still necessary.
He put his glass down at the apology, started to reach out. Stopped, aware that it was maybe not welcome, maybe not allowed. "I'm sorry too," he said, and held himself as steady as he could. "I ... misunderstood things. I guess that was always the problem." A careful, controlled breath. "I know you weren't trying to hurt me. Not then, not now."
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Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2016 5:44 am
Rep picked up the slack of the gesture to take hold of Jordan's hand, not afraid to take hold of him or touch him, despite everything. If anything now it felt more all right than it ever had, the strange lingering feeling that this time there was closure, this time there was something out of his hands which had made the decision he was scared to fully make. There was nothing flirty about it, just a natural end to the movement, they'd all known each other too long for him to be flighty about it now.
"I think we all ******** up in our own way. I ******** up probably the most, I don't make good ******** choices and I always rely on other people to like..stop me. I shouldn't rely on people like. I should try and do things myself. I am just ******** clumsy and people get themselves hurt and s**t." he gently stroked the back of Jordan's hand with his callused fingertips.
"Maybe this will straighten things out more." he said. "Ace seems happier. I know he's a bit of a d**k when he wants to be, you know that too obviously. But I think he wasn't happy hurting you, he was really miserable. I didn't read either of you right."
He sat down, leaning his chin on his hand. "Your hair does look good though. A new you."
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Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2016 10:24 am
Rep's hand in his own made something tight ease quietly in Jordan's chest. He breathed a soft and involuntary sigh, listening, feeling the gentle contact. It was touch without the thrum of tension that had often drawn tight between them. Not neutral, but not charged, either; a kind of comfort.
"We tried," he said, "I got to try. That helped. I couldn't let go, before. I think maybe I'll be able to, now. Knowing that we just don't ... speak the same language, he and I. I'm glad he's doing better." He'd had a little time to think it over, to realize the depth and weight of how very differently they understood love and how badly that mismatch had torn at them.
Rep's understanding was closer to his own, somewhere between, he thought. But that was neither here nor there. Regardless of what Harrison had said some time ago about the relationships being a separate thing, the two of them were part of one another, and it was intertwined inextricably. He would cause strain on that bond, had strained it. He would settle for being happy for them, rather than with them.
He let Rep's hand slide out of his and picked up his drink again as Rep sat down. "Thanks," he said. "I think I'll keep it short. It's just easier like this. I like it." He ran his other hand absently though his hair, feeling the ruffle of the shorter strands. "Think I should re-do the color?"
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Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2016 6:39 pm
Rep nodded. He didn't understand entirely what the core difference between Jordan and Harrison had been but the fact remained that it was there. Maybe it had always been there but no one had ever noticed. It made him bitterly sad to think of it now, so much obliviousness and well-meaning. They had managed to be happy for a while, for the most part and that in itself was a good thing, leaving a lot of good memories. Maybe it was all right that it had gone the way it had, that in the end it had all been figured out and that this had been the only way to avoid hurting each other any further.
"It's so shitty." he said. "I mean, how it all went. But aye, maybe.." and it pained him to say it, to ever say that anyone had permission to let go, to have a life away from him when he wanted to keep them, when he thought they were an excellent person that it'd be an honour to possess. "Maybe you can now, I hope so, I can't stand seeing you sad and lonely." He couldn't own people, he realised more and more, he couldn't keep people in his clutches just for the fear of losing them, just for the fear that if everything else failed him, he would be on his own. Jordan got hurt when he was too close to him in the end, too willing to try and make him happy out of sheer love when he was a bottomless well of unhappiness which could probably never be satiated. He took and he took from the other man and gave a fraction back. "I just want to be able to stand seeing you happy, and maybe in time I can. Thats where the ******** effort lies, the idea that anyone else could care about you as much as I do."
He tried to press on. "But I think you suited the colour, despite being really ******** partial to a bit of blonde as you know. I like wild hair colours. It's exciting."
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Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2016 7:24 pm
"It'll be all right. Give it some time." Jordan reached out again to brush his fingers across the back of Rep's hand. "Not going to be looking, not soon, I don't think." I still love you, he didn't say, because it wasn't fair, and because he wasn't waiting, this time. He didn't argue that it hadn't been shitty, nor that he wasn't sad. Maybe he should find something casual, to soothe the sting or to make himself less a temptation. He didn't know if he could do casual.
He'd thought of asking for the ring back, not as a gesture or to wear, but to keep, as a memory of the times when it had been good. But maybe that was the opposite of letting go, and it was still too soon, pressure on a fresh bruise.
He half-smiled. "Maybe I'll do something stupid bright. Neon, that'd be a change. Not like we do stealth real well in the first place, might as well be loud." Rep seemed almost subdued, a kind of pained quietness about him, but he seemed also to be trying to keep it in check, the walls cracked but in place. Jordan could respect that need to look okay. He felt it too.
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Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2016 7:38 pm
Rep couldn't cope with it. It was too close to a death, too close to the forbidden thing he never, ever did. Grieving was shut off, locked away in that place he kept the weaknesses and stood guard over them. He couldn't grieve the relationship, he couldn't let go or move on, it was like a frozen and jammed up lock which even with the key in his hand he couldn't get to open. He didn't voice it, he didn't try to explain that he could only hope things would be all right but that his faith wasn't strong.
The thought of Jordan with anyone else, touching anyone else, being with anyone else made him almost frantic with anxiety and a twisting clawing nausea which paced in his gut. He couldn't cope with it, but he would have to when the time came, so it too was something which was locked up. When and if he had to deal with it, he'd chain up that monster jealousy and hope that the shackles held.
He glanced at the fingertips against the back of his hand aware that there, invisible lay the mark of Protection. He wasn't really good at defending anyone or protecting them, but maybe at least this would protect Jordan from him. He had been the worst thing that could have happened to the other man, and maybe realizing that was what protection was.
"I think neon would have a lot of people wondering who ******** kidnapped their Jordan. I like it. Surprise people, make them reconsider what they thought they knew about you."
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Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2016 8:04 pm
If he got to a point where he felt like trying another relationship, Jordan knew Rep would not be happy about it. He'd as much as warned him in their last conversation, and it was just in Rep's nature, the possessive and obsessive edge to his affections. It would make things awkward, if it happened. Jordan turned his thoughts deliberately away from the subject. He wasn't ready to think about it, even in the abstract. For now, they were still figuring out where they stood.
He hoped that the obsessive edge wouldn't mean that things would be weird; he thought they could manage friendship, at least. It could have been a cycle, bringing them together and apart again, but it wasn't going to happen again. It might be a difficult friendship, but he would do what he could to make it work in the ways that it could.
He laughed a little. "Neon, or leopard spots or something. Something crazy. If you get your bet in early you could probably make a little money off the pool." Whether or not anyone was actually betting on what he was going to do with his hair he didn't know, but bored Life division techs would bet on anything.
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Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2016 1:49 pm
Rep raised a brow at Jordan. "No leopard spots." he said warningly. "Don't steal my ******** ideas." He was always irrationally upset when he felt like someone was stealing his ideas despite said ideas frequently being as original as a sonic the hedgehog fancharacter. He was proud of his tiger stripes and they were one of the few things he didn't mind showing off. He didn't really think Jordan would go full tacky either.
"I bet you'll come up with something classy despite yourself, you always had a ******** solid sense of style." he looked down at his own tank top which was bright purple with the rainbow Amiga logo on it before looking back to Jordan. "Unlike er, some of us I guess."
He crossed his arms. "I try I guess."
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Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2016 8:14 am
"No leopard spots, okay," Jordan agreed with a faint smile. He'd been expecting the objection, and animal print hair really wasn't within his taste anyway. It had been a suggestion mostly intended to tease Rep. He glanced at the bright and tacky shirt. It was probably actually Rep's, unless B0nez had picked it. "You have your own sense of style," he said solemnly. "It suits you." It wasn't suitable for formal occasions, naturally, but he'd come to find Rep's lack of taste in clothes kind of charming over time.
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Posted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 1:37 pm
"Good." Rep said with a stern look. "Cause this took all my ******** brain cells to think up."
Rep looked a little awkward at the accusation of having a sense of style. He tried to look like someone who hadn't intentionally ordered the tanktop from the internet to a drop off store or anything and picked it up on leave. "I mostly just wear what Ace buys and s**t." he waved a hand vaguely.
"Its probably no warm enough." he said. "I mean, for the weather and s**t. But I don't feel the cold much."
He eyed Jordan's glass as if someone elses drink was somehow superior to one he could have gotten for himself. "Do you have like, any plans? Or is it like..too soon?"
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Posted: Fri Feb 26, 2016 3:34 pm
"Oh, that explains things," Jordan said, the small smile widening as he relaxed a little into the familiar back and forth. "That's what they got used on."
"I think your closet is permanently stuck somewhere in the 90s. Not that there's anything wrong with that," he shrugged. "Anyway, if you get cold, that's what you got a coat for, right?"
Spotting the acquisitive glance, he pushed his glass a fingertip closer to Rep. Other people's drinks were always more tempting, and he didn't mind sharing with a few select people. "Plans," he said, thoughtfully, the smile fading. "Well, I was thinking of picking a house to fix up. After the snow's gone, anyway." He kept to himself that it had been originally intended to be a shared space; no reason, now, to say so.
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