Tolliver,


I hope this letter reaches you safely. I'm leaving it on the door of yours and Hitch's apartment, because I know that was where you felt the safest, and maybe one day you'll see this and read it.

Maybe one day you'll forgive me.

I'm sorry I never told you who I was. I never wanted to drag you into this, and I never wanted you to be a part of it - any of it. I've been Celsus for almost five years now, and I never told you because I was trying to protect you from it all.

It seems pointless, now. I couldn't protect you from your accident, I don't know why I thought I could protect you from this.

It's funny; you're a few minutes older than me, but I've always felt like the older brother, somehow. I've always felt like I'm the one who's supposed to take care of you, who's supposed to watch over you. Maybe it's because you've always been quieter, shyer. Or maybe it's just because I've tended to be loud, in the past.

Maybe it's because your heart is better than mine.

You've always been better than me in that regard.

I won't try to tell you that what you've done is wrong, or that what you've done is a mistake. You've made a choice, and you're sticking with it. I know you, better than you think I do, even if over the past few months I've felt separated from you. I know you probably just did this to prove something, or maybe to become stronger.

I know you, Tolliver. You're not a bad person.

But I am. And I've lost you, and I've lost everything else, because I was never meant to be a knight. I was never meant for this life, even though I've been doing it for years now. It was all a mistake; those higher than me in the White Moon have already made this clear. It was a mistake that I was chosen as a knight at all, I'm not worthy of this, and I never was.

Your heart, as I've said, is full. I'm not angry at you. Just at myself, always at myself. I wish we could have talked more about this. I wish we could have sat down and figured things out together. We could have figured it all out.

I wish you had come to me first, but you stopped coming to me years ago.

I hope that Hitch will protect you. As much as I've struggled with your relationship, please understand that it was only because I knew I was losing you, and I never thought it would come so soon. I've never been on my own before. I don't know how to do this. But Hitch loves you. He'll take care of you.

Keep moving forward, Olly. Remember that I love you.

Please be safe.

Fritz