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Posted: Sat Feb 06, 2016 12:25 pm
After Melvin left, Horace slowly wound his way upstairs, hoping to be slow enough not to catch on the other man's heels. Melvin was up yet another floor, so he wasn't too worried. The entire conversation left him feeling raw and uncomfortable, like his skin was an ill-fitting jacket. Hopefully, this little tête-à-tête would not take long. He was afraid of what might happen if it did. Rounding a corner, he was greeted by the sight of Lawrence leaning against a wall. Horace's feet tripped a little bit, his rhythm knocked off kilter. Was the sight of him always going to affect Horace this way? "Hi. Did you, uh, wait long?"
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Posted: Sat Feb 06, 2016 12:50 pm
There were a lot of things which Lawrence considered a sign of poor character. Latecoming was one of the foremost of them, he felt that arriving late to arranged meetings showed a level of indifference, callousness and poor character which was difficult to justify. He had been waiting quite some time, half inclined to leave but lingering simply because it would reflect poorly on his own character to let one act of ill breeding preclude another.
He seemed initially to be staring at the opposite wall but when the rhythm of footfalls along the corridor changed, he looked up like a predatory animal hearing the limp of lame prey. Expression returned as he took in who it was, the smile warm and almost playful.
"A little while." he said, leaving the too long unsaid. "Busy day?"
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Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 1:02 pm
Horace was always weak to Lawrence's expressions, he thought, even when they didn't mean anything at all. But Lawrence had followed America to Russia, was with Melvin, was everything he didn't need. He was just here to get his curtain back. Despite that, he still felt bad about letting the other man wait. "Not really..." He shrugged. "But I had an unexpected visitor. Melvin came by and I couldn't very well tell him to go leave so I could meet up with you." Horace's mouth twisted. Saying those words felt terrible. "I'm sorry I kept you waiting."
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Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 1:22 pm
There was a hint of a smirk which sidled into his smile. "Well you could have." he said. "Unless you had some sort of ulterior motive coming here. You don't do you Horace?" And he casually glanced each way along the empty corridor.
"And waiting is not entirely an issue." he fished out a set of keys from his pocket which had a surprising number of keys strung on it for someone who was supposed to have a single room. Unlocking the door he opened it up. "You'll have to take them down." he said, stepping inside. "I have not done much in here since before."
The room was still spotlessly tidy but it looked like someone had been using the desk for some sort of craft work, with clay and bonding glues neatly lined up in their place. There was also, in a corner a long black wig and several bags which had not been there at any point while Horace was in Lawrence's room in the past. All in all it still looked rather lived in, if not slept in, and the print of Lucifer being turned away by Gabriel was no longer on the wall.
He pocketed the keys and flipped the light on. "Do come in, close the door if you would, you know how I feel about the nosey individuals on this island in any situation."
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Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 3:07 pm
"I never have ulterior motives, Lawrence. I think you're better at those than I, anyway." It wasn't said snidely, but just as though stating a fact. "I could have told him, but Melvin might have thought things that weren't true." He followed behind Lawrence, closing the door with a soft click. If he'd thought about it, Horace might have protested closing the door - simply for his own comfort. But he'd done it almost automatically, without thought.
Curiously, he looked around. "Still using it some?"
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Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 3:24 pm
"Never?" Lawrence said. "I would not say never. There was the time in the infirmary, I am sure you remember, I certainly do." He shrugged his shoulders. "I think you'd find that Melvin is very loyal and would not think ill of me even if you told him where you were going. Though he might have tagged along."
Moving out of Horace's way he moved to sit on the bed.
"Yes, a little, less than I was, I use it when I need a little privacy for some project or another." he gestured at the wig and clothing. "And then there's the old skin belonging to Chantelle. Before she got upgraded to not being a figment of my imagination." Something about Lawr's tone seemed to hint at this being as close to a joking slant as he ever got.
"You spent a lot of time in this room." he added, thoughtfully.
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Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 4:03 pm
"I would call that... an opportunity taken. It was on the spur of the moment. I didn't go in planning to do that - though I guess it sort of worked." The reaction was alarming, but it was a reaction, nonetheless. "Loyalty is blind, sometimes." He moved over to the windows, but paused, instead turning to drag his hand along the sheets.
"Yeah, I was here a lot. I liked it here." Even if he remembered a broken lamp at his back, talons around his throat, in his shoulder. He shivered. "You prefer living with Melvin?"
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Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 4:25 pm
"It is rather blind at times." Lawr said coolly. "But I find that brand of blindness rather endearing as it is just a heartbeat away from faith. And faith requires trust."
"Melvin has a larger room." he said.
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Posted: Mon Feb 08, 2016 7:49 pm
"Blind loyalty and trusting faith can be very different things. The outcome is similar, I suppose." He fell silent for a few moments before moving to the window. Slowly and methodically, he begin dissembling the curtain, carefully keeping his eyes on the curtain and not out the window. It was here that he fell on the lamp, he thought, eyes flicking to his left. And it was here that he first felt Butch's talons around his throat, so like and yet unlike a tree's reaching branches. He folded the cloth carefully and sat down next to Lawrence. "If I get promoted at some point, I'll need this. Maybe more. It still, ah, windows still give me the heebie jeebies." His fingers fiddles with the curtain. "So you only want him for his room, huh?" As far as jokes went, this one fell horribly flat and Horace shifted uncomfortably.
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Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 2:33 pm
Lawrence did not comment, finding both to result ultimately in someone who would do what they were conditioned to do. He preferred faith, but when that was thin on the ground, blind loyalty made a satisfying substitute.
He watched Horace work on the curtain without thinking to ask to help, unwilling to go to the trouble of dismantling the thing with only one hand to help with.
"I think everyone has their fears on this island." Everyone he had seen. "Perhaps windows are less crippling than some. Not so much in the day to day, but at least one is not going to climb out of a well so to speak on a mission." he sighed, realizing it could be taken as an insult ostensibly. "I am not trying to belittle your issues. It was an attempt at humour, which I am not particularly talented at. There was a horror movie about a well. "
"As far as Melvin goes, he is loyal and does not challenge me when I do not have the energy to be challenged. Which is a relief. I do not end up exhausted, you were exhausting Horace and you did not ever relent."
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 5:29 am
He snorted. Imagining a window climbing out of a well was hilarious. Although, really, he was frightened of what lay beyond windows. Black out curtains could cover it up, but not eliminate whatever was lurking beyond. Most of the time, that was sufficient. He almost asked what Lawrence was afraid of, but bit his tongue instead. He already knew or, at least, he was ninety-seven percent sure.
"I didn't think you'd be watching movies like The Ring. Pop culture doesn't seem your thing." He folded up the curtain carefully. But when Lawrence spoke about exhaustion, he stiffened.
"I am sorry to have subjected you to my inconvenient emotions," he said stiltedly. No one ever wants to hear that someone they cared about think they are exhausting, and clearly not in a good way. "I guess you and Melvin must be a good fit, then. Though I wonder why you keep contact with me if you find me so exhausting. Why you bother to say you miss me."
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 11:00 am
"I am not a fan of pop culture certainly, I hardly wade into the festering mire of reality television and the like, but I have still watched movies, attended the cinema and so on. My family members enjoyed day trips." he smiled faintly. "So I am not oblivious, even if they are not my "thing"."
He rolled his eyes at Horace's outburst about his inconvenient emotions. "I am not here to pat your ego Horace. It is up to you to understand why I keep in contact with you. Fishing for compliments is rather futile with me, I find it grating. Whatever compliments you take should be self evident, I do not need to butter you up."
Shrugging his shoulders he added "I also refuse to repeat or elaborate about missing you. You can interpret it however you will and let your own self conciousness chew and gnaw at it until it is completely contorted out of its original innocent shape." The look he gave him was blank.
"You corrode your own happiness so consistently it is almost startling, refusing to accept anything for the simple intention it was given, always trying to make it more and more about you, about an ill opinion of you. Compare yourself to Melvin, try to force me to soothe your ego by saying you are more than he is, impossibly above him. When no. You are both different and no comparison can be made."
He smirked. "That was never ok with you though was it? You always wanted to be compared to America, and when I insisted you were different and nothing alike you made the comparisons for me. You can't stand the idea of a world where you have your own merit related to no one else, where you are a singular entity bound to no one."
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 7:45 pm
Horace stiffened further. It was clear that he and Lawrence had irreconcilable views about what 'being important' meant. This wasn't about padding his own ego, though Horace would fully admit that ego-padding felt nice. And he certainly wasn't trying to fish for compliments, not in the way Lawrence was describing. The feeling must be similar, he thought, to drowning and being told he was only doing it for the attention. Everything hurt in a myriad of ways. For a moment, he only concentrated on breathing, on remembering how to push air through his tired body. After a few moments, he moved - stiffly, like his legs were made of wood rather than flesh and bone. Horace stood in front of Lawrence, mouth a sad line, curtain tucked messily under one arm. "Do you want to know why this, all of this, is important to me?" He didn't, Horace reasoned. But that was okay; it was a rhetorical question and Lawrence would get the answer regardless. He reached out with his left hand, running fingers along Lawrence's neck and jaw. Seeing the edge of the ugly scar America had added to Lawrence's throat. His chest felt tight, and burned. In these moments, he was constantly aware of his own scar, of his imperfect left hand. His hand dropped, fingers curling in on themselves. "It was the closest to love I thought I could get from you," he said tiredly. "I had wanted to be bound, to you."
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Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2016 12:30 am
Lawrence did not flinch at the contact but its sent the usual nigh unbearable slash of sensation through his body. He was particularly sensitive around the scar, preferring to pretend it didn't actually exist at all.
"How do you think it might feel to me." He said thoughtfully. "To know nothing you ever said meant anything, that it was simply throwing thoughts into a hollow void. Anything I have ever said regarding your worth you have chewed up and spat out. You instead devise your own ways of feeling important and your own scales. Melvin wants to feel loved I imagine but what he wants is simple daily efforts. You wanted something wild and untenable. I think even if I could love I would never have been enough for you. You are a needy hole in the world, constantly wanting more and to have people meet your impossibly high standards of love without giving much back." Horace got a critical look
"What did you give me besides compliance? Did you ever give pause to consider what might make me feel human or loved? Did you ever think about what mattered to me? No, you tried to control me and to make me into someone who'd make you feel like number one." He shook his head. "You are selfish, possibly as selfish as me and you still even now tell me I will never be enough while trying to what? Torment me in my sanctuary and no doubt leave once again with a smug sense that I was always at fault and you are entirely the victim."
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:09 am
His jaw clenched and the skin around his eyes felt tight. Horace had always knew he was perhaps... intense in his emotions - he'd certainly been told that often enough. It was something he needed to fix, but he felt and he felt and he hadn't figured out how to turn it off. He knew he was like this, and yet, he'd still thought that, in the context of a relationship as he knew it, he'd erred on the side of reason in his wants. Wasn't it reasonable to want to be loved? To not be lied to? To want to be happy? Maybe he was wrong; everything was wrong and, of course it was his fault again. He ground his teeth together.
Everything Lawrence had said meant too much, which was why every lie hurt. Horace couldn't even figure out what was lies and what wasn't anymore, if he ever could. But he didn't say this, and instead stood silently as Lawrence continued to speak. Horace flinched, hearing some of his own words, thoughts, said back to him.
"You lied, always. Always. Didn't you only want b-blind devotion, someone to swallow every lie?" He could have argued that he tried to give Lawrence what he'd wanted, had loved him in the ways that he knew. He hadn't asked for more except that Horace ignore everything that hurt him. Horace stood there, knowing he should leave, but both the fight and flight had drained out of him and he knew, if he uncurled his hands, they might shake.
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