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 Posted: Mon Feb 01, 2016 6:34 pm
Something about his posts seemed off. Al knew it and questioned why he was still choosing to poke the proverbial bear. He questioned it and yet here he was, staring down Rep's door with a bottle of whiskey in hand. The silent whys went from simply being to outright buzzing furiously in his thoughts as he reached out and knocked on the door.
He had been thinking a lot lately, but thinking without outside input was dangerous. The scenarios and lies ones mind is capable of all on its own. He missed Rep. Now probably wasn't the best time. When was the best time? It wasn't all about him any way.
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 11:25 am
Rep was in his old room again. The wall had been repaired and he'd moved some of his old furniture up from where he'd put it in storage in the hoard. He'd given up after a chair and helping to put out the bed. The whole place had needed a re-paint and plaster after the elements had got in and gotten damp into things. It had ended up being a bigger job than he'd expected. Now everything was clean, white and alien.
He wasn't expecting someone to knock the door - he hadn't lived here in a longass time, had it been almost a year? He couldn't tell any longer. He exhaled as he stood and headed over, about to tell whatever ******** Jehova's Witness of an a*****e was out there to go ******** themselves. He wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone, friend or foe, there was just too much s**t to deal with and he was ******** angry at everything.
The door opened and a cold blue eye looked out of the crack, behind him the whole room was in darkness, he hadn't even thought to turn on the light. He didn't need it anyway with his artifact.
"Go the ******** away." he snarled, when he recognised who it was. "I told you already."
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 2:37 pm
"You said you were here?" He held the bottle up to the eye for inspection. "Look man. Obviously something is up. You don't need to talk about it or anything."
He sighed, "Just. What do you need?"
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 2:57 pm
The blue eye narrowed viciously, looking nonplussed at the proposition of drinking to forget his problems and finding it despicable Al thought this was a good suggestion for his time. "I need you to get to <******** the door slammed shut.
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 3:13 pm
Al signed audibly and sat the bottle down by the door. He hoped they could share it but apparently this was going to be nothing more than talking through the door.
He sat on the ground and stayed there in dead silence. His shadow very apparent under the door to the dark room.
He wondered to himself, when everything got so damn complicated. There wasn't an answer. The soft thump of his finger was heard as he poked the door.
"Why," he asked finally.
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 3:53 pm
Rep stared at the door angrily for a while, as if it was its fault that he was forced to still deal with Al despite it being between them both. He might have brooded in the dark, letting it envelop him, but the fact remained he couldn't tell it was dark, the woodgrain of the door itself as clear as daylight.
"Because I don't want to talk." he snarled gruffly. "Especially no with you." The idea of having Al's grand ideas of what Rep should be held up to how he felt right now was absolutely abhorrent. He didn't feel comfortable baring his emotions to Al when the other man had shown plenty of times that feelings or raw carnal truths were inconvenient or made him uncomfortable.
"So why don't you go ******** play somewhere else?"
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:48 pm
"I'm no demanding you talk," He shifted on the floor, turning around and then pressing his back against the door. He slid his legs out and placed his hands in his lap and began absently picking at his own fingers,"I just." He stopped, tucking his fingers between fingers and tightly squeezing for a moment. Just enough for his fingers to turn white and then release again. "I don't know what I did to deserve that 'especially'."
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Posted: Wed Feb 03, 2016 9:07 am
Rep just stared at the door until his eyes unfocused and the world faded out. Instead he found his attention drawn to the cool steel of the ceremonial blade at his chest. The dagger was always cool to the touch, but exceptionally so when he was in the dark, it was the main measure he had of the brightness of his surroundings these days with his eyes so magically predisposed to ignore it. The only time it grew warm to the touch was after he'd used a fear attack aided by it. It was an unsettling thing but one rendered essential by the ever-present need for power.
He didn’t ever think to take it off.
Al’s voice felt numbed and far away through the door, and perhaps that was best, it felt like talking to a recording, not a living breathing human. He didn't need to feel bad as he registered the pain and hurt in the other person's eyes, he didn't need to feel vulnerable and disappointing either. If he had ever gone to church it might have put him in mind of a confessional but instead it just reminded him of the rank and fetid anonymity of a glory hole.
“You do ******** deserve it.” He finally said, softly and quietly. “You might ******** think that you didnae but that’s part of the problem. You are ******** stupid and ignorant, always the innocent party in your own ******** head who can do no wrong. Well you do.” And he snarled out loud in exasperation. “Every time I’m around you I need to live a lie, a lie called “being what Al wants me to be.” Any time in the past I’ve shown even the smallest fraction of a real emotion or weakness, you’ve shuffled and gotten uncomfortable about it as if me having feelings disgusts you or inconveniences you. You don't care about me, you care about what I am to you. And don’t ******** pretend you haven’t ******** DONE it, it happens every damn time I show a weakness. Every single time, even when you think you are saying what I want to hear because you don't goddamn know me. So yeah obviously I don’t want to bear my soul to you, I don’t want to even deal with you when I feel like I might accidentally show a bit too much humanity and be made to feel like a MUTANT FOR IT.”
He started to pace back and forth in front of the door as if he was a caged animal, finding the motion cathartic. “You never made me feel safe or an equal, you’ve never BEEN my equal. You exist in a way which, forces me to act like your ******** slavemaster while you remain in a lot of ways, very much in control. Even if you don’t realise it. You give up things which suit you while giving nothing of your inner ******** self over, you feign compromise while drawing lines which unequivocally don't ******** budge. To everyone I look like this evil tyrant who controls your life while I control /nothing/ about you, its all just things you willingly give because you don’t care about them. There’s nothing truly honest about you and I don’t think its ever going to be possible for you to be, because you don’t even understand yourself. You can say the bedroom s**t was you giving something up, you can say helping me with s**t and looking for my approval are things you gave up, but you LIKE those, you like someone else to take the control away from you. There's s**t I can't control or take and s**t you'd never be SMART enough to ******** know I ever needed in the first place. I keep you at arms length because your clumsiness ******** WOUNDS me and it will STAY that way.”
There was something cold and vicious in Rep's voice as the footsteps behind the door stopped he spoke again, leaning against the doorframe, his palm splayed one the wood.
"But you know what the worst part is?" he said. "The part that makes me ******** fear and hate you sometimes? It's no just the ignorance. You see like, you were born without the ******** internal voice which almost all people have, the voice that tells you when you are being a complete tit, that warns you when you are going to say something goddamn embarrassing in front of the whole universe. It's the voice that speaks for society, that speaks for ******** cultural and social acceptance. You don't have it. You don't ******** have it so you want to FEED mine. And you don't even ******** understand how huge and monstrous that voice is in me and what it ******** does to me, or if you do you don't CARE. If it was a monster it'd dwarf us all and yet you are happy to feed this ******** thing by forcing me to apply it to you AND me. So rather than me just ******** feeling like an inadequate f*****t myself I get to nitpick all the ******** s**t you do to make you an inadequate f*****t and let it grow. And you ENJOY it. You like feeling like you are ******** aware of something you are normally SO blind to. Well I DONT. You make the darkest sickest most ******** cancerous part of me stronger and selfishly don't ******** care cause you like it, because it makes you feel like someone is LOOKING at you. It's all about your ******** ego, your need to feel SEEN at the cost of anything else. And I'm sick of it. I'm ******** sick of it."
He leaned his head against the door, his every muscle tensed with fury. "What ******** ELSE do you want from me? Because I'm ******** DONE. I'm DONE with it. Find your own ******** DOM to CODDLE your oblivious ******** arse and to take the rap for it in public. I don't have the energy for this s**t any longer."
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Posted: Wed Feb 03, 2016 6:11 pm
Al fell silent again, long after Rep was through. He just stared blankly into the dimly lit corridor as he struggled to comprehend any of what he'd just been told. None of it, not one bit, sounded familiar. It was no surprise that it didn't either because Rep had been holding it in, all of it from day one.
He pulled his legs back in, but just to hug his knees to his chest and swallow dryly. His head barely propped up as he finally spoke, "I'm sorry."
He swallowed again and tilted his head downward, "I never meant to hurt you."
"I just...," he rubbed his face against the cloth of his jeans. "The day I woke up. The day we met. I was so scared. I was even more scared to let anyone know I was scared. I was so used to just pretending everything was ******** fine all the time. Any more than that was weakness. Emotions were ******** weakness. But... you were interested. Just. Some. I didn't feel so scared with you around. Deny it all you want but you are a really ******** strong hunter and I felt that."
He sniffed and lifted his head to laugh sharply and without mirth, "I mean, here's this high ranking a*****e man and of all the ******** people on this ******** island - he chooses me to help. The shitty little brat that not even his ******** parents wanted around anymore."
He lowered his head again, "Then that fear went away. I finally felt like I could handle this life. I fought in that ******** tournament and hell, I got pretty damn far. I was stronger than I ever thought."
He cracked a small smile, "It was really ******** amazing." Then the smile died as quickly as it formed, "But I just... I was still afraid. I didn't know why you kept me around. I didn't understand why..."
He unraveled the scarf from around his head and placed it in his lap, "I still don't understand what you ever saw in me that day. I was so desperate and afraid of undoing it - whatever it was. I refused to change anything. It's pathetic I guess. You were the first friend I ever made. I don't know how friendship works though so maybe you just picked wrong."
He drew a shaky breath, "I never said I hated any of the s**t either. I just, I felt like it was worth it. I felt like you were trying to toughen me up and the fact you even cared enough to suggest the things you did in the first place. I never meant for any of the backlash on you. I never ******** complained that I can recall because to me there was nothing there to complain about. Oh boo hoo, I get to ******** sleep on polar bear fur. Why would I ******** b***h about that? Have you ******** seen the standard issue trainee beds? It was a ******** upgrade. When I looked, most of the s**t in stock had blood and ******** knows what stains."
His frown deepened, "I was never scared of your wounds or emotions though. I'm not ******** blind Rep. I see them. I see them every day. I just... I thought by pointing them out I would have been making it worse.The ******** knife sticking out of your damn chest is kind of obvious. Did you really need me to also twist it like "damn, I bet this hurts"? I feel too, even if I'm really ******** good at hiding it, I guess."
He tilted his head downwards until his forehead was pressed against his knees. "I tried to share myself once. The whole cooking and baking bullshit. But it's an embarrassment even here. I can never ******** escape being a disappointment. I wanted to share why I liked that... I also wanted to play my violin for you just once but then that's even more embarrassing and I don't think I could take much more real rejection from you. I just lack... any ******** manliness I guess. I won't even ******** fight anymore because I'm afraid of losing."
He stiffened his jaw and sniffed, "I should have said something sooner. You should have too. It's a huge mess now but you can't say it is all my fault."
He lifted his head again to stare at the door across from Rep's blankly, "why did you give me your scarf anyway?"
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