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 Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 9:55 pm
Triumphalis still hadn't been to his wonder, but other than that he thought he was getting the hang of this whole page of Chronos thing. He'd made... well, he wouldn't say friends with the other members of his regiment, but he'd made acquaintances, some better than others. He was particularly fond of Celsus. Leave it to the soldier to find the most experienced member of the group and latch onto him. (The cupcakes were probably helping.) "So, these are vanilla cake with mulled wine frosting," he said, taking the lid off the tupperware and holding it out to Celsus. "Please let me know if they're too weird. I'll break the news to Virgo gently. We've been doing a twelve-cupcakes-of-Christmas special at the Holiday market. I think this is for Wednesday." He bit his lip. "Again, if it's not too weird."
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 8:42 am
Celsus looked rather a lot different than when he had first met with Triumphalis. There was no bright, beaming smile on his face this time, no cheerful, laid-back attitude, in spite of the facade that he kept pulling back on, with little to no avail.
Instead, his cheeks were pale, dark circles ringing beneath his eyes indicating a severe lack of sleep, or maybe just a lack of everything. The consistent tremor running through his hands was subtle, but still there, and his hair was twisted back into a messy ponytail at the back of his neck, lank and limp.
The cupcakes, at least, made him smile a little, corners of his lips quirking up.
"Virgo does well with whatever she bakes, at least from what I've been given," said Celsus, unwrapping the cupcake and taking a little bite of it. His stomach gave another twist - eating was not exactly a priority on Celsus' list at present - but then took another bite, slowly savoring it.
"You can tell her that these are delicious, though maybe a might less frosting," he said thickly. "Still good."
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 9:59 am
Triumphalis nodded. "I'll tell her," he said, glad that he'd found people besides himself to taste-test Elke's baking creations. He kept fit but... there was still only so much cake you could eat before it all started to taste the same. Cupcakes out of the way, Triumphalis looked Celsus over again. He'd noticed his state of disarray when the other knight arrived, but he was trying to be tactful. "Pardon my saying so," he said, after letting Celsus enjoy his cupcake undisturbed for a bit, "but I've seen you look better." He didn't think it was exactly normal for your hands to shake that much while eating a cupcake. "So, ah, man," said Triumphalis, trying to put this as gently a she could, "I know trauma. I go to therapy once a week for trauma. And you look like you've been through some s**t." He pursed his lips together. "Anything I can do for you?"
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 10:38 am
It was silly, perhaps, but being a taste tester for Virgo's sweets somehow made Celsus feel still connected to her, as abstract as it was. She had always been one of his mentors, one of the people he admired the most, and in spite of all that had happened with him, he still maintained that respect.
Even if right now he felt as though he was hardly being kept together, falling apart at the seams.
A flinch passed across his face, Celsus almost dropping the cupcake. He brought his other hand up to hold it steady, and offered Triumphalis what was supposed to be a reassuring smile, but it came out more as a strained grimace than anything else.
"I'm sure I look I just dandy," he said, still trying to act casual, keep his voice light. He ate another bite of his cupcake. "I, ah...just haven't been getting much sleep lately, is all."
An understatement, and a redirection. Celsus licked frosting from his fingers.
"How are you getting on as a knight?" he asked instead. "You have everything figured out yet?"
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 10:53 am
Triumphalis nodded, although he wasn't convinced. A lack of sleep might have been a symptom of what was going on with Celsus, but he doubted it was the cause. Something was weighing heavily on his friend's mind... but pushing on a wound wouldn't get him anywhere. "I think I'm finding my sea legs alright," he said, taking the redirection. "Out of one war, into another. Everyone's a whole lot more casual about ranks and formations but I don't think I can quite complain about that. Space travel's weird, though." He'd only done it twice, both times upon being summoned to Olympus. "I haven't been to my Wonder yet," he admitted, after a moment. "Can't get over the feeling that it's all one big joke. Or afraid of what I might find. Six of one and half a dozen of the other, I guess. I know I'm missing out by not going, but... I'll give it another few weeks."
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 3:46 pm
He liked Triumphalis a great deal, which was perhaps why Celsus was so relieved that he took the bait and gone a direction other than his appearance. He nibbled on the cupcake and gave a slight laugh, though it didn't quite reach all the way to his eyes.
"Glad to hear that you're not completely a fish out of water," said Celsus. "But yes, space travel is...well, different, I suppose."
There was the slightest, briefest tremor that ran down his spine at the mention of Wonder, though it passed in a flash. Celsus finished off the cupcake and licked his thumb, absently folding the empty wrapper up into little squares without actually looking at what he was doing.
"Ah," he said, after a moment. "Well. Yes, Wonders are...tricky places, just be a bit careful when you do decide to go. There's no telling whether it's inhabited already or not by your past ancestor, such as mine is."
Don't think, don't think, don't think. Keep it light.
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 7:38 pm
"Right," said Triumphalis, biting his lip. Ancestors - or lack thereof - were a constant source of anxiety for him. "Virgo told me a bit about the last knight of my station," he said, "One of her handmaidens. She was... in love with her. I'm concerned that might be a problem, if she's still hanging around. And if she's not..." Triumphalis shrugged. "Look, I'm a modern guy, and how other people live their lives has no bearing on me, and... I'm not going to pretend like I've got any idea how this reincarnation business works - but what does that mean for me? That I was a woman in a past life?" And - that he was in love with Virgo but never meant to be with her? Honestly, it seemed better to just avoid the place and let it be Schrödinger's reincarnation. "Sorry, that's getting a bit heavy," he groaned, shaking his head. "It's just been on my mind a lot lately."
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2015 8:53 pm
At that, he turned his head a little too quickly and regretted it as a wave of dizziness overtook him momentarily, sweeping across his vision. Celsus winced ever so slightly and blinked rapidly to dispel the haze, focusing instead on what Triumphalis was saying.
"You mean..." he said slowly. "Worried about...about if a past love is still around to make a new love happen? Or that - oh."
It made sense, that he was worried. Celsus twisted the newly folded cupcake wrapper into smaller and smaller pieces, tearing it slightly out of habit, and said, "Would it be...problematic, if you were a woman in a past life?"
It was said curiously, rather than scornfully, as Celsus himself had no idea how he would feel about such a thing himself, and he offered Triumphalis a slightly strained smile that was clearly meant to be reassuring, though it didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Yes, well, it's not a problem," he said. "Our minds have a way of focusing too much on...certain things, after all."
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Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2015 12:00 pm
Triumphalis gave Celsus a piteous look. "I don't know, man," he said, hold his head in his hands.. This conversation was fast approaching the danger zone, but if you couldn't talk about your weird existential drama with your favorite comrade, then who could you talk about it with? Not Elke. And it wasn't as though he'd been in town long enough to have many other friends. After a moment, he added, "I mean, it is what it is? I just... I don't know how all this s**t's connected. So either I'm gonna go there and there'll be someone waiting for me who's pissed that I stole her girlfriend, or - or - or I spend the rest of my life wondering when this is going to ******** me up. I mean. I was in the army. I'm not unfamiliar with the concept, you meet all kinds, but--" He sighed, throwing his arms up in the air. "I guess it doesn't really matter. I mean. Ha! Mismatched past lives are probably common, I mean, as weird as this situation is to begin with," he said, studying Celsus's not-quite smile. Something was definitely up. "Are you sure you're okay, man?" he asked. "Like, forget my petty bullshit. What's going on with you?"
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Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2015 11:42 pm
He needed to pull himself together. At this rate, Triumphalis was going to see all that Celsus was - a man barely able to string two words together, a man incapable of handling even the most basic of things - and realize that he was hardly worth the time and effort expended upon him. His hands shook - the tremor was becoming more persistent as the days passed, and he dropped them quickly, cape swishing as Celsus toyed absently with the folds of it.
"I wouldn't - I wouldn't call it stealing," he hedged, attempting to at least give some sort of advice. "It's not as though you set out to purposefully take someone else's girlfriend, you simply fell together, isn't that how things like that are supposed to work?"
Like you would know, whispered the little voice inside of his head. As if you would even know what a real relationship entails.
All kinds. Tolliver fell into that broadened category, as did Hitch; maybe if Celsus had had a past ancestor that had been - maybe he would understand more -
His mouth opened and shut, the twisted up cupcake wrapper, now minuscule, falling from trembling fingers and spiraling merrily to the ground. Celsus didn't seem to notice it, moonlight reflecting off of his glasses and causing the shadows beneath his eyes to stand out in stark relief.
"I'm - " He couldn't say fine, except he had to say fine. What else was there?
"Just...tired," Celsus finished pathetically, rubbing a hand across his face. "I shouldn't - it's my own burdens, really, I needn't impose them - "
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Posted: Thu Dec 31, 2015 8:18 am
Triumphalis pursed his lips together, mouth forming a tight, worried line. He considered Celsus's words and body language for a moment, and then said, "I might be new to this whole knight of Chronos thing, but I know a lot about being in a unit, working closely with other soldiers. For six years of my life, that was all I knew how to do. And I know that when a comrade's injured, when a comrade's struggling - you take their pack. You help them carry it." That inspiring speech out of the way, he added, "So seriously, what's wrong?" It wasn't like he didn't know what carrying around secrets could do to a person. But when that hurt was playing out so close to the surface... it was like a loose tooth. You'd just keep jarring it until it came out. "You've done more than enough for me," he said. "Let me do something for you."
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Posted: Thu Dec 31, 2015 9:27 am
A slow and steady flush had started to creep across Celsus' cheeks. He felt the burn of humiliation, of shame, of pain heating his face, seizing his chest so that the breaths he took felt labored and strained, as though he couldn't quite get enough air into his lungs.
I can't say it, I can't say it, I can't tell him -
He'll think terribly of me -
(He already does.)
The burn in his face was an icy hand in his heart. Celsus took a step back, stuttering out an exhale that felt more like a trapped flutter than an actual breath or a sigh, and one hand extended between them, palm facing Triumphalis, his eyes wide.
"No, I haven't - I haven't done anything - " The words felt stunted, hoarse, splintering on the final syllable. Breathe. Get yourself under control, don't do this, don't show this side, don't let it out, don't let him see, don't do anything stupid -
"I just - introduced you a bit, is all, I haven't - " He tried to get his words out in full sentences. "I haven't done anything else, I'm not - there isn't - "
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Posted: Thu Dec 31, 2015 9:48 pm
Triumphalis gave Celsus a bit of a strange look. He didn't want to push too hard, but it wasn't in his nature to just back off when someone was so clearly suffering. "Haven't done anything?" he sputtered, incredulous. "Don't sell yourself short like that. I mean. You've never dug me out from under six feet of rubble but I don't think that showing the new guy the ropes is any less of an accomplishment. You've made me feel welcome. More than that, you've made me feel like I might actually get my s**t together and figure out how all this works someday." He put a hand on Celsus's shoulder, but, like, not in a gay way. "What I'm saying, man, is that I value and respect the <********> out of you, and if there's something you need from me or something I can help with, all you've gotta do is say the word." "I don't do butt stuff, though," he added, trying to lighten the mood. "Just... never liked it. Anything else's fair game, though."
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Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2016 9:04 am
Triumphalis was saying things, and they sounded like good things, but Celsus could not get his mind to accept them, his heart hammering wildly in his chest as though trapped there, desperate to burst free of the cage from which it was confined.
Lies, said the voice in his head, all lies. He's just saying that to make you think you're better, but you're really not. You never were, you're just a mockery of everything, aren't you? You're not really all that helpful, he's just pitying you.
You were a mistake, after all.
Celsus swallowed hard, the weight of Triumphalis' hand and his words sinking into him heavily. Even the joking comment made his eyes widen slightly, Tolliver and Hitch's angry, hurt reactions fluttering through his mind, and he tamped down on it, on everything, desperately trying to keep himself afloat.
"I..." His voice sounded hoarse, even to his own ears, strained. The spotlight on him was blinding, overwhelming in its intensity.
"I don't - " he said jerkily, swallowing hard. He could not look at Triumphalis, eyes averted, chest heaving with the attempts at keeping his erratic breathing under control. "I don't - know - what I need - "
To not feel as though I'm suffocating under this mantle of Celsus. To feel as though I am not drowning.
To be free.
But he could never be free, not really.
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Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2016 9:55 am
Triumphalis quickly banished his first thought - that Celsus was on some kind of drug - in favor of a much more logical conclusion. This was a panic attack. He'd had them himself dozens of times during his year in rehabilitation - and, with patience, he'd learned how to stop them. "Celsus?" he asked, forcing his voice low and steady. He tried to make eye contact as best he could, but Celsus was like a rabbit in a trap. "Can you - can you slow down for me? Take some deep breaths?" "I get these, too," he added, trying to exude calm or whatever it was that got people back off the edge. "Like the walls are pressing down on me and I can't get enough air. It's normal, when you've been through a war. When bad s**t's happened to you. So I need you to slow down and breathe with me, okay?" He took a slow, deep breath as demonstration, let it out just as slowly. "Celsus?"
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