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 Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2015 3:02 pm
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In trouble again.
Not that that was anything new.
Xiulan shuffled along towards the meeting room on the main floor, eyes on the floor, hooves dragging. As always, she could feel eyes on her at all times; even if she'd tried to refuse to go, she knew someone would make her anyway. May as well give in and go by herself; at least she'd get a few minutes without being fussed at. She was always in trouble for something, it seemed. She wasn't even trying that hard anymore. It seemed like even when she wasn't trying to break rules, she did so anyway. And they kept insisting that she try to 'fit in'. Clearly she didn't.
She'd given up pitching fits and screaming long ago as she had when she'd first arrived. Though she'd determined early on that these kidnapper weirdos weren't intending to hurt her (or they surely would have by now), her constant screeching had also not convinced them to let her go either. Keeping that up was exhausting and she determined that the effort must have been partly to blame for that long sleep she'd had. And some evil magic. Probably.
She could only think of how ashamed her Momma would be to see how she'd been acting. It felt wrong to be doing such things, yet...wasn't she justified after what they'd done first? She'd never have acted this way at home, Momma raised her better than that. But...this wasn't home. Takeko wasn't here. Would she be ashamed of how her daughter behaved? Or would she understand why and be proud that she was doing everything in her meager power to get back home to her safely?
If she'd even recognize me anymore...' Xiulan thought to herself sadly, looking down at her long limbs and hooves and...and...picturing the wings she knew that spread behind her over her shoulders. Okay...that could be the one good thing in all of this...if she could just be allowed to figure out how they worked.
Her train of thought slowed as the meeting room neared. Well, here she was again. Xiulan closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then stepped forward to enter the recreational room.
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Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2016 5:07 pm
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Xiulan hesitated in the doorway, balking from the Queen's warm welcome. Ugh, that just made all this worse. She felt constantly at odds with herself and those around her when everyone tried to act so friendly and welcoming after ripping her away from her family. Maybe under different circumstances, she could have responded better to these weirdos and their treatment...but after what happened, it all felt like a dirty lie and a trick. She felt she was just waiting for the trap to spring.
Unwilling to offer any details or even the truth, as it had done no good up 'til this point, she answered simply, "'M fine," in a soft voice, staring down at the pillows as she took a seat. She drew her long limbs in to curl in on herself, knees drawn up towards her chest. Yeah, this was awkward...as usual. Her dark eyes flickered towards the offered sweets and it was only a second before she reached towards the bowl. It did no good to starve herself, as she learned, and she might as well take advantage of the offered sweets. She deserved the treat, she reasoned. And anything else she could get.
Then, she stared at the flower crown for a moment, keeping her true thoughts from her face. 'Not really.' Instead though, she silently reached out and took the half-completed crown from the Queen. Might as well do something to distract herself from this meeting. It would likely be painful enough already. Without really looking, she grabbed a few flowers from the floor and started automatically adding them to the half-finished crown. She made it through the first before stopping short on the second.
She remembered this flower. Mom had a bunch of them that grew outside the kitchen window. She used them sometimes in recipes, but even when she wasn't using them, the smell had persisted when the window was open and the breeze blowing in just the right direction. She had frozen, staring at the flower without realizing it. She felt a sudden tightness in her throat and remembering the Queen's presence, hurriedly lifted the flower to her nose, covering part of her face and closing her eyes. As she inhaled the fragrance, it only made the memories stronger and she took the time to try to regain composure, all while she felt like falling apart instead.
'Oh Mom...'
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Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2016 7:48 pm
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Belwen had hoped that by the time the Shee Festival arrived, little Xiulan would have at least developed some form of attachment, or bonded with someone. At the very least, she'd hoped the young lady would have opened her mind a little to the truth. She seemed to have simply closed up and refused to let any of it in.
Many nights, Belwen sat in quiet prayer and contemplation, pleading for help. What should she say? What could she do? Was there any way to get through to the child? The Flutter Queen ended her nightly prayers asking Forn Sheedhiel to aid in softening the young flutters heart, so she may know and understand the truth for herself. Belwen knew the colony was doing their best, but there was only so much they could do before the rest landed on Xiulan's shoulders. If she refused, then she refused.
She watched the girl sit and work with the flowers. At first, Belwen was hopeful, but then she noticed the change in Xiulan's posture and attention. She shifted her position a bit so she was leaning towards the young girl. Ever so gently, she reached out to put her hand on the blue flutter's shoulder.
"I know you don't believe me when I tell you this, but it's genuine. I love you, Xiulan. You are important to us. Your happiness is our happiness, and you aren't happy." Belwen withdrew and picked up a couple of flowers to start making another crown.
"What would make you happy, Xuilan?"
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Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2016 3:31 pm
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As lost as she was in the scent and the overwhelming thoughts and memories it brought forth, Xiulan involuntarily flinched at the contact with her shoulder, dark eyes snapping open and fixing on the Queen with a startled, then defensive glare. Loved her? What was this all about? She claimed that she loved her?!?
In an unsteady tone betraying the effort she was using to try to keep it even, she immediately answered, "If you love me, then why do you keep hurting me?" That's how it worked in her world, after all. You didn't hurt people you loved. Because you loved them. It was simple. So clearly, if the Queen loved her, she never would have taken her away from her family. She wouldn't keep insisting on these painful exchanges, dancing around the truth. She would have let her go home a long time ago, before doing that dark magic to turn her into whatever she was now, so that her family would no longer recognize her.
She wasn't weak. She had been struggling to keep up a strong front all this time. But deep inside, she was just...so angry. So frustrated. She felt so powerless; what was she supposed to do? That feeling, combined with having no outlet, just kept bottled up inside until she was about to burst. At times, in the rare private moment she had, she may have indulged it, but she swore she'd never give them the satisfaction of seeing her break. That's why she'd been such a terror when she arrived...because she herself was terrified.
But the flower's scent, and the memories, and the frustration had sent her on an emotional roller coaster and she was losing all sense of control. She was just so angry and didn't know what to do...except cry.
The tears had been gathering, clinging to her eyelashes as she failed to blink them away. Her dark eyes were wet, the tears beginning to escape when she answered Belwen's question. She didn't have a smart answer for her inquiry. She was tired, emotionally drained, and unable to think of or care about giving any answer but the complete and honest truth. What would make her happy?
"I just...want my Mom."
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Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2016 8:33 pm
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Xiulan couldn't fight the silent sobs that shook her shoulders as the Queen joined her at her side. She was so tired of fighting, so tired of pretending to be something she wasn't, so angry, so frustrated, so...emotionally exhausted. It was true, though they had taken her against her will, they hadn't physically harmed her. Within the tree, she had her relative freedom. But...the outside. The blue sky, the open spaces, the freedom...her family, so far away...all were denied to her.
Then, she perked at the Queen's last line. They'd never wanted to listen to her pleas or objections before. She'd always been shushed, talked over, ignored; told that their way was so much better without even knowing what her experiences were. Sniffling, she wiped her eyes, staring down at the flower she still clutched in her fingers.
"She...she used to grow these. They always smelled so nice. They made the kitchen smell good...when she wasn't cooking something that smelled even better." She started speaking slowly, forcing the sobs down to speak clearly. Then, she started telling her story quicker, jumping subjects in a rush to try and relate just part of the reason why that strange Pae who looked nothing like her meant so much to her anyway.
"Momma made all kinds of nice things. Scones with fruit and honey were my favorites. Cabel would bring honey from his bees for Momma to bake with or use in her teas. After she finished with her chores, Momma would read me stories. Well, some of them. Others she made up, I think. Everyone came to visit a lot, so I was never lonely, even when Momma was busy. But, she always had time for stories," Xiulan reminisced, the tears slowly trickling as she reached up to wipe her eyes again.
"Momma would take me flying too! I liked flying. I haven't been in a long time now..." She trailed off sadly, one hand moving unconsciously towards her shoulder. Was it possible? Could she do so herself now? She hadn't had a chance to find out. That being said... "I miss flying with Momma..."
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Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2016 12:29 am
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Moved by the moment, Belwen rubbed Xuilan's arm and pulled her a little closer. She saw the light in the young girl's countenance when she spoke of her kidnapper family. At least they didn't torture her, and appeared to take good care of her while she was there. The queen thought back to the day they first noticed Xuilan in the clearing. There was no apparent signs that Xui was being mistreated. She wasn't held against her will. But on the other hand, children are easily impressionable.
"She sounds lovely. You obviously miss her very much."
Belwen drew a delicate touch over the outer edge of Xuilan's wing. She held her finger up so the girl could see the shimmery blue dust. "Flutter dust. It helps us fly. Did you know you could fly? Not very well, mind you - young wings and such. But ever since you emerged from your chrysalis, your wings have been growing bigger and stronger. You are safe in the tree, while your wings are delicate. But soon, you and your brothers and sisters will be ready to fly on your own. You'll be strong enough to emerge from the tree."
Gently, Belwen put the special flower in Xuilan's hair, tucking it in behind her ear. "It suits you." The queen smiled, but there was underlying sadness. She was torn, and it was breaking her heart. She couldn't let Xuilan go, but she couldn't keep her here either.
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Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2016 3:29 pm
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While the Queen seemed to be listening, Xiulan was still conflicted. Part of her wanted to take some comfort from the contact and the reassuring voice. But another part of her reminded herself that she was still stuck here, no matter how nice the Queen tried to make it sound. As long as she wasn't allowed outside, or to see her family, she was still a prisoner. She had to keep reminding herself that, no matter how 'nice' they acted.
The temptation grew even stronger with the new revelation, however. So she COULD fly! They just wouldn't let her. But...could they teach her? Would they? The idea was more enticing than anything else they'd tried to offer her so far. There wasn't room in here inside the tree or she'd have started trying her wings out long ago. Instead, she was kept confined to the ground on her hooves. She couldn't even climb the walls like she used to. She kinda' missed that. Flying would make up for it, but being ground-bound for so long AND kept inside, it was no wonder she was going stir crazy! Maybe fine for these other kids to stay inside if they'd never known anything else, but not Xiulan. She craved freedom; in all senses of the word.
She closed her eyes and turned her head as the flower was added to her hair. With a sigh, she wiped her eyes again to rid them of lingering dampness. "I do miss her, very very much. And my brothers," she said pointedly in response to the Queen's references to her 'siblings' She considered Kane and Saffron and the others more her siblings than those here in the Tree. "And my nieces and nephews too. So..." She turned back to the Queen with a frown, feeling her throat tighten again, despite all the crying already. "Why won't you let me see them? If you care so much, then why can't I go home? They're probably really worried about me. Momma's probably really upset and...and...she won't even recognize me anymore! She probably thinks I'm dead!" Her voice had risen in pitch, breaking on the last line with another sob. Darn it, now that the flood gates had opened, it seemed she had no idea how to close them again.
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Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2016 4:06 pm
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This question was one Belwen was waiting for, yet nervous to answer. Xuilan didn't believe anything else anyone told her, so the queen wondered how much of this the young girl would believe. Or if it would set her off again.
Gingerly and cautious, she reached to offer a warm, reassuring hug.
"Little Xui, you were born here. You, like everyone else started life as a seed born of Forn Sheedhiel. You are a child of nature and magic. The Sheedhiels - yes there's two - keep us protected. They are the ones letting us know when it is time. Forn says you are not a prisoner. My sweet girl, this is your home. That day in the clearing, Lisian and I rescued you; our precious lost seed.
You see, the pae you call 'mom' took you from us. We had been searching for you, and can you imagine the excitement buzzing in the colony when we found you? Our long lost sister! We had to stage a diversion to rescue you from your captor."
Belwen paused. She considered for a moment the pae that took Xuilan. To Belwen, this woman was a kidnapper. She was the only one the flutters witnessed take a newly fallen seed. She was taken before harvest, when Paradise and Lilian were still timid and scared of the outside world. They all learned a lesson that day.
"We're afraid if they see you, we will lose you again." The flutter queen answered as simple and honest as she could.
She reached for a small linen from her work table (beside her pillows) and handed it to Xuilan.
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Posted: Mon Feb 29, 2016 4:38 pm
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Not a prisoner. And yet, she couldn't leave.
Xiulan wasn't completely ignorant of her origins. At least, she knew everything that Mom had told her she knew about her. The little flutter had no misconceptions that Takeko hadn't given birth to her, of course. But, just because they looked different, that didn't mean she didn't love her like her own child. Takeko had lots of kids. A lot of them didn't look at all like her either. Yet, she loved them all the same.
Though she didn't want to acknowledge this whole business about 'belonging here,' Xiulan had been entertaining thoughts that maybe she had been born here. Once. Maybe. She took the linen to wipe her eyes and try to compose herself before speaking.
"Momma said I came from the Fae Clearing," she started quietly. "She said she found a seed and didn't know what it was. And when she tried to read it, it didn't tell her anything. She said that only happened once before." The explanation would likely confuse the Flutter Queen, but made perfect sense to Xiu. It was how she'd always understood Takeko's special power working, and never thought that others wouldn't understand as well.
"She said there was an acorn one time that did the same thing. It wouldn't tell her anything. And instead, she said it grew bigger and a baby Faun hatched from it! She didn't know for sure, but she thought maybe my seed was the same. And she said there was no one else around. She said I was abandoned. She didn't wanna' leave me there all alone, just in case...she didn't want to think about what could have happened if something came from the seed and something happened to it because no one was there to take care of it."
A note of bitterness may have crept back into her voice by the end of her story. She also remembered Takeko saying there had been two seeds that day. Pointedly, Xiulan kept quiet about that. Hopefully, the one that her friend had taken would appreciate the gesture. Hopefully, one less poor soul that these crazies could steal from a happy home, if she didn't say anything.
She wasn't crying anymore, she was out of tears, but she sniffled softly. Picking up on something Belwen said, she repeated, "Can I imagine your excitement? No, I guess I can't. I mean, you didn't even know me. I was just a seed to you. But, Momma raised me. Can you imagine how she'd feel to know I was alive?"
Xiulan twisted the linen in her fingers, staring down. She swallowed hard to push down a lump in her throat. Part of her rebelled against what she was about to say, but another reminded her that she'd give anything to see her family again. "What if...what if I promised to come back? Couldn't I at least see them again? Just...to let them know I'm okay?" The young flutter turned her dark eyes up to the Queen again; free of bitterness and anger, they showed only sadness with a glimmer of hope.
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2016 5:58 pm
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Belwen closed her eyes and took a deep breath to keep her composure. Of course the villain would fill the child's head full of lies like that. "Sweet child, how would she know you were abandoned? Do you really think if you were sitting out in a field abandoned we'd risk everything to get you back?"
The flutter queen continued weaving the flowers together, stacking them delicately in a basket adorned with small wildflowers and ribbons when each was completed. She did not dare let on what she was really thinking to the child. Had to maintain decorum and authority, but Belwen was considering that maybe the initial kidnapping could have been a misunderstanding. But if it was, that puts more of the blame on the harvesters, and that was a truth Belwen would investigate further. Regardless of the outcome, it was still within the colonies right to reclaim their lost child.
The mention of an acorn like Xiulan brought up new questions. Did this 'momma' person make it a habit of collecting 'lost' seeds? Was this acorn perhaps a seed from the other tree? Was 'faun' what the outsiders called them? More things to consider and investigate. Maybe in time, she'd ask Xiulan more about it, but not right now. There would be time later, she hoped. First priority would be discussing this with Lisian.
"You are quite mistaken, Xiulan. You were never just a seed. I knew you, and I loved you."
Still in quiet contemplation as she considered Xiu's request, Belwen handed more flowers over to her. The young flutter wouldn't like the answer to her request. Instead, Belwen was going to take a risk, and go against her normal judgement which was to deny the request. She rose to her hooves, and fluttered her wings to lift into the air. She gently flew up to the large window that led to the outside and propped it open. It was a portal big enough any flutter could fit through, as it was most commonly used as quick escape.
She slowly descended and sat on her pillow once more. "If you want to leave, the windows are always open. As I said, you are not a prisoner. Your wings aren't strong enough to carry your body weight, so please be careful. But I do hope that you consider staying, because if you leave, it wouldn't be wise to return. It is my responsibility to protect both trees and all of the flutters so I can't let you compromise everything that every flutter in this clearing has worked their entire life to protect."
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2016 9:15 pm
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A faint frown touched Xiulan's face and she focused inward, considering the Queen's response. How did she know that? Because, Momma told her. Momma didn't make things up. Well, except bedtime stories sometimes. But this wasn't a bedtime story. It was her story. If she hadn't been left all alone out there...then why hadn't they tried to get her back then? If they were watching, why would they have lost her for so long?
Something didn't add up.
Speaking of things that didn't make sense, she stared at the Queen when she mentioned knowing and loving her before. That...didn't make sense. Did it? She couldn't have known her before she hatched, when she was just a seed...they'd never met until that fateful day...right?
Still, she held onto hope as the silence dragged out, even accepting the offered flowers. If she was cooperative, maybe...just maybe...
Though she hoped, she never expected what happened next. Xiulan's eyes widened in shock as the Queen fluttered up to the window, opened it, then told her...to go. Was it that easy? Was that all it took? Some small part of her brain screamed:
It's a trap!
But was immediately shushed by another:
It's worth the risk!
Without hesitation, she was on her hooves and rushing for the wall beneath the open window. She jumped, attempting to latch on, but she no longer had her little sucker feet that she'd so enjoyed as a child. She'd never missed them more than this very moment. Her hooves scrabbled and her fingers clutched at the rough bark, but found no purchase. She fell back down to the floor on her bum, frustrated and huffing. She wasn't done yet, not by a long shot.
She took it slower this time, reaching up for a hand hold, finding purchase, then trying to follow with her hooves. They made climbing difficult, but if she took her time and was careful, maybe, just maybe... Hand over hand, one hoof at a time, she stared up where the light streamed in from outside. The open sky beckoning her beyond. She was encouraged by the sight and latched onto that for inspiration. Her little-used wings fluttered at the thought, giving her only a momentary boost to stretch to reach a hand hold before settling again. She could do this! She'd get outside, finally be free...
...and then what? The stray question darkened her hopeful line of thought. As she attempted to climb, she was forced to take her time and focus on the task...which meant her brain was slowing down from the emotional twister and leaving her to contemplate some details. Like, how she had no plan once she found herself free of the tree. Belwen's words echoed in her head:
"...if you leave, it wouldn't be wise to return. It is my responsibility to protect both the trees and all of the flutters, so I can't let you compromise everything..."
She couldn't come back? Fine, she didn't wanna' come back here! But...what if she got lost trying to find her way home? She couldn't come back here for help. She'd be all on her own. The Queen couldn't let her come back? That sounded...vaguely threatening. Even if they'd showed her nothing but kindness once she was here, she hadn't forgotten that these people had taken her from her family. Maybe if she couldn't be turned to their way of thinking, they'd eventually give up. And if she was a hopeless case, then why bother keeping her around? Best get rid of her...she'd done nothing but cause trouble anyway...
She swallowed hard, beginning to pant with exertion. Her fingers were growing sore, her muscles beginning to burn. She'd never pushed herself to this level of physical activity before. Or not in a long time; definitely not in this body. The window was just ahead. But what lay beyond? Open skies, yes, fresh air...the forest beyond...the unknown that waited between here and Momma's house.
Wherever that was.
Her ascent slowly halted. She'd never been allowed out on her own before. Not even back at Momma's. It was too dangerous; Momma or one of the others had always been with her. And she had been only a child, so as much as she enjoyed flying with Takeko, she'd never paid much attention to where they were actually going. If she got free...where would she go?
She had no idea how to get back home again.
More likely, some danger would find her first, and she couldn't even come back here for help. She'd definitely never see her home and family again in that case.
All this time, she'd been pushing for them to let her go. Now, she had it...and what were her real options now? It was the first time she'd had to consider them, and upon initial thought, she could see only two options: she could leave and likely get eaten by something before she could ever find her home again, or she could stay here and try to improve her situation. The open air was almost tempting enough to choose the first option; but the second meant she stayed alive. That sort of won out.
With a reluctant sigh, she turned her eyes down from the window and began to descend. The descent should have been easier, but she was already tired now, her fingertips raw from the combination of holding on to tiny hand holds so tightly and the rough surface of the tree. She maintained focus until she'd reached a reasonably safe distance from the floor. Her concentration wavered and she slipped, sliding the rest of the way to tumble on the floor. She shifted off her bum to her knees, hooves sprawled on either side of her and her head down. She was shaking, as if sobbing again, but there were no tears this time. She shook from exertion...and frustration.
I'm stupid. I'm weak and dumb and lost. What am I supposed to do? I'm sorry, Momma. I don't know how to get home.
When her voice lifted again, it was clear her mood was sour. There was no venom, however. More like...she was grumpy and pouting.
"If I did leave, you wouldn't have to worry about me coming back. Something would probably eat me first anyway."
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The Flutter Queen buzzed busy lately as she helped in preparing for the coming-of-age ceremony for their teenagers. It was so exciting to have their next generations finally reach adulthood! So many of the young flutters helped in preparing the decorations and some of the food. The mood in Forn Sheedhiel was so upbeat and exciting. Except for one little flutter. The colonies little challenge that broke up the monotony of everyday activities. 
