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 Posted: Tue Dec 01, 2015 5:30 pm
The announcement of visitors was enough to rouse Bindhi. Poking just enough her her head out of the blankets she'd wrapped around herself, she wondered if this was a new doctor they wanted her to talk to. Instead, she found herself staring at the last two people she would have ever expected to see. Blinking, she forced herself into something approximating a sitting position and rubbed her knuckles into her eyes. When she looked again, they were still standing there.
Suddenly feeling grubby, small, self-conscious and like the most awful person imaginable, Bindhi considered diving back under the blankets and hiding. Only that would be rude. Still. Why had they come to visit her? She didn't deserve it. She was poison, didn't they know that?
Finally, the silence lengthened into something even she couldn't ignore. Clearing her throat and flinching at how ragged her voice sounded, Bindhi finally gave in and tried to make the giant mass of Awkward a little less so.
"O-orah? Laney? What're you two doing here?"
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Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2015 6:06 am
There were a lot of things it was no use saying. There were more things it was no use thinking, sometimes, either -- but it didn't always stop the mind from thinking them. Why did you do this?
Why didn't you trust me enough to help you?
What would've happened if we hadn't come by that night?And then, one thought that lingered -- one that it was important not to forget, not to lose sight of: Are you going to do this again?These were the things Laney kept to herself. Surely no good could come of them. Responses to pain, after all, were more visceral than they were rational -- and it was pain that drove this kind of behavior. She stepped forward with her calmest expression, pretending she was somewhere else other than where she was, doing something other than what she was doing. Laney hefted a brown paper shopping bag in her arms. "We thought you might want some things from home," she said gently, stepping closer into the room. "Hospitals can be a bit cold. Do you mind if we visit?"
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Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2015 9:25 pm
Laney had always been calmer, more rational. More thoughtful. She always knew what to say, how to respond, what to do. Orah was never that good. She felt too strongly and she had never been good at bottling that up and pushing it down. It was why Thraen had never liked her... she wasn't cool and logical. She let her emotions drive her.
Emotions that had been running high ever since finding Bindhi. Fear was the greatest of them, fear of loss. They could have lost this woman, not to some horrible future or some aggressive opponent, but by her own hand. Anger was next, stemming from the fear. Sadness. Why hadn't she said anything? Why had she let things go so far? Orah couldn't truly say she didn't understand the motivation, the why of what had happened... after all, hadn't she considered it herself? Held the knife in her hand and considered how easy it would be? But why hadn't she said something? Why hadn't they known? She was so wrapped up in her own problems her own pains, how could she have missed something so huge in someone she cared so much about.
Love flavored the sadness, made her ache in a particular way. Chariklo meant a lot to her... had been a friend for such a long time, even if that time wasn't real. What she felt was real, like what she felt for Laney was real. And in a moment, she could have lost it, like she had lost other things, other people... because she hadn't done enough. Hadn't seen it. Hadn't been good enough to stop it.
It all bubbled under the surface, carefully lidded, though it leaked out in her white knuckled grip on her messenger bag and the light behind her dark eyes. She was silent because she couldn't trust herself to speak and didn't know what to say anyway, besides the endless questions that turned over and over in her head.
Why? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you let it go so far? Why didn't I see it?
It was good Laney was here. Laney was a better person... she knew how to call up words that weren't accusations and offer a pleasant face. Orah trailed behind her in slow, careful steps, trying very hard to find a measure of calm.
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Posted: Fri Dec 11, 2015 6:54 pm
An expression of almost child-like confusion flickered across her face as both stepped further into the room. Shaking her head gently, BIndhi sat up straighter in the bed and tilted her head, as if examining the pair.
"I... you... um, no? I don't mind if you visit. Thank you," she murmured, accepting the bag and trying not to cry as she opened it and took out a simple fleece blanket and hugged it to her body like a life-line.
"Is... is Sanskrit okay?" she asked, needing to know suddenly. She'd counted on him being noisy enough to be found after she was gone. And in the midst of her feelings of resentment at being saved, she felt a deep shame for what she'd done to her poor little dog.
For a moment, she looked between her friends in silence before her face crumpled and the tears came pouring out. Burying her face in the blanket, her whole body shook from silent sobs as she moved within a myriad of emotions that she couldn't control or even identify with any kind of rationality. Deep down, she as sure they both wanted explanations and she had no idea how to even try to explain.
She was bad. She was poison. Mintaka hated her, Ava and Amytis didn't want her anymore. All she was was a stupid, useless drunk. Why on earth should Orah or Laney care about what happened to her?
"Why?" her muffled voice rose from the blanket. "Why did you save me?"
There was no accusation in her voice. Only genuine puzzlement and gut-wrenching sadness.
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Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2015 9:55 am
Laney came around the side of the bed to sit next to Bindhi, leaving the other side free for Orah's use. She kept herself close, but she didn't try touching her friend just yet . . . she just let herself be there. "Sanskrit is doing okay. We took some of the dog food from your place, since we didn't know what brand would be good, and he's been staying at Orah's place and eating that for now." She didn't go too far into the subject -- Bindhi didn't need to be told that her dog missed her and feel guilty about it, but she also didn't need the idea that her pet might be better off with someone else. Better not to reinforce those kinds of thoughts. Neutral statements only. "We love you very much," she said. "And we know you're in a lot of pain. That's okay. This happens to a lot of people. We're glad you're still here . . . and if you ever want to talk about it, we'll always listen."
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Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 9:14 pm
Orah came closer as Laney did, but she couldn't bring herself to take the other side of the bed. She still felt... too raw. She wasn't sure she could be close without this boiling kettle of emotions exploding in the worst kind of way.
The questions yanked at her heart, as much as the sight of one of her dearest friends sobbing and heart broken. Every cry tore at her and it hurt, almost as bad as anything she'd felt before.
She heard Laney give the politic answer, the kind and gentle answer, but it was impossible for Orah to echo the sentiment.
"I couldn't not save you!" Orah burst out finally, her hands tightening to white knuckle around the strap of her bag. She felt ashamed of the harshness of her tone, but it was impossible to keep it out of her voice. She drew a deep breath and let it out, forcing her voice down to something softer. "I don't... even know how you could ask that. I love you... I couldn't just... let you go."
The young woman dropped her eyes then, her grip shifting restlessly on her bag as she scuffed the toe of her boot against the floor.
"I don't know how to take care of a dog very well... but I'm trying." She offered after a while, feeling awkward now.
It was so hard to face this... the potential loss of a friend. She felt years younger suddenly and the hospital room had a weird smell to it, a tang in the back of her throat she couldn't place. She'd forgotten how much she hated hospitals, all these years later, and it was ironic, considering she planned to make a career of working in one.
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Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2015 8:50 am
Shoulders shaking, Bindhi's sobs quieted after a while, though she didn't raise her face from the blanket. Not yet. Instead, a muffled, "Thank you" rose up in response to the fate of her dog.
It took even longer after that for her to risk peeking out and trying to articulate half of the reasons why they should have left her to rot. And after a moment of visibly fumbling for the words, she scrubbed one hands over puffy, red eyes.
"Amytis isn't coming over," she began, voice raw and harsh. "And Ava said she was staying with Amytis. I gave up my life and who I was because it was the right thing to do. So I could protect them. And they don't want anything to do with me anymore. Ares vanished not long after she brought me into the Court. Maybe I drove her away too."
The tears were coming again as she flinched away from unsettling thoughts that she'd never bothered to examine before. By now, her coldly logical side argued, she should have been used to change and people leaving her life. The rest of her simply howled like a wounded animal.
"Mintaka... she... she told me I was a liar and siding with hateful murderers when I ran into her. Bianca's dead because of what I was, what I promised her she'd be safe being. Everyone I care about ends up leaving in the end."
Already regretting saying that much, her face vanished back into the blanket as she shook and tensed. Waiting for the inevitable when Orah and Laney would end up joining the ranks of everyone else who'd decided to leave because she was worthless.
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