Lorne didn’t know why it was Sessrumnir’s words especially that kept coming back to him lately; maybe it was because after everything, he was seeing the knight’s words in a new light. Rather than a test of resolve, of whether or not he should be here at all, rather than a highlight of his own shortcomings as a knight -
Have you even learned any self-defense? Do you know fighting basics? Have you even bothered trying?
It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried, exactly. Colin had taken some nights to try and show him things, like the basics on how to throw a punch, how to dodge one, things like that. But he’d never really taken to it. Violence just wasn’t something that suited him, and he always lost his head when he was faced with it, and so what good did it do him to learn it? That’s what he’d begun to tell himself.
More and more lately, after Umber, after Xenotime, after Cinnabar, after seeing what had become of Scholomance as he lay there healing on Lorne’s bed, the squire of Saturn had realized that in a war, there was really no place to hide away and hope the fight never came to his doorstep. It was naive to think he could get through something like this without ever having to get physical about it - and for a time, he had. He’d been able to skirt by, lashing out desperately here and there, and sometimes it works out for him. Sometimes it hadn’t. And now? - he was realizing how lucky he’d been to ever get by at all.
”There was nothing else I could have done.”
"You don't know that! You don't know what could have happened, we could have - there might have been another way, we could have figured it out, but instead you just - you gave up so easily, you just told him to take it!"
Auguste had been right. So painfully right - and he hated that he’d even put his friend in that position at all. Any of his friends. Even Ploutonion had - all because he’d - he sort of had given up on himself. Not all the way, no. He was finding his place and his purpose. But when it came to battle -
He knew he’d never be some aggressive, determined, amazing fighter that charged onto the battlefield guns blazing. But he had people now that depended on him as much as he needed them, and it just - he didn’t need to be a warrior. But if he was going to be here, he had to defend himself. He had to try, and he had to mean it.
Lorne was lucky to still be alive. He was lucky he was still himself.
Hell, he was lucky he hadn’t gotten anybody killed.
So quickly, he’d begun to research. It might have been easier just to ask about, but he just - if he had to, he’d ask for help. But this was something he’d rather do alone. No expectations, nothing riding on it on the off chance that he stumbled or even outright failed.
Aikido had caught his interest initially. It heralded itself as a martial art that focused on not exactly attacking the opponent, but simply fending them off by using the force of their own attacks against them. But the more he read about it, the more Lorne realized that it was not exactly ideal for self-defense, which was sort of the whole reason he was doing this at all - not to mention many people said it was no simple thing to learn. So even if it appealed to him and he made a note to himself not to forget the name, otherwise he let it slip from his mind.
Krav Maga and Kajukenbo seemed the most desirable, the more applicable - and he sat there for some hours after the fact, struggling with youtube and trying to find gauge by seeing what each entailed, maybe which appealed to him more. But it was hard to tell from watching since watching was certainly not the same as doing at all.
So, he researched what places in the city offered lessons in what, and found at least a couple of gyms to try. With hands shaking from nerves, anxiety twisting in the pit of his stomach, he made a few calls and arranged for some lessons - trials, mostly, to start off with, so at least that was good. That made things easier, financially anyway. It did nothing for his nerves what-so-ever.
He flopped back onto his back on his couch and placed his hands over his face, groaning lightly, exhaling sharply through his fingers with his heart pounding a mile a minute in his chest. The cast on his hand, a reminder of what could have been if Ploutonion hadn’t appeared, scratched irritably at his face. He let it fall down into the air beside him and just laid there for some time, staring up at the ceiling and worrying his lower lip between his teeth.
Lorne worked two ways, of course; he either ran by overthinking, or by impulse, like a train stalling and then running entirely too fast, again and again. More and more, he had been trying to rely on the ‘impulse’ side with varying results.
Here and now, once more, he did. In spite of his thoughts of going at this alone, he reflected back on all the failed patrols back when he'd gotten it into his head to try and grow on his own, what Hver had told him about punishing himself, how it wasn't really good for him at all - and even if this really wasn't at all the same, he still -
He set up abruptly, clasping his phone too tight in his hands as he typed out a fast, almost desperate message, his fingers pounding against the screen - then at the last minute Lorne though to delete it, but instead his thumb accidentally struck the ‘send’ button instead, and all, that was that. He stared in utter horror at the screen for a few moments before hurriedly typing out a second message, but it didn’t really undo the damage of the first, and in the end he’d pulled himself up on the couch so he was sitting instead of laying down so he could shove his phone to the far end of the couch, burying it half-behind the cushion as his cheeks burned.
He crossed his legs and first turned away from it, arms awkwardly crossed over his chest, before he opted to do one better and forced himself to go off into the kitchen and make himself a snack or something.
SMS Message
Hey Auguste! I'm going to be trying some self-defense classes, do you want to come with me?
SMS Message
Not that I think you need them or anything I didn't mean that and you don't have to please don't feel like you have to it's really fine
kuropeco
