Welcome to Gaia! ::

Usually I try to make the first line of my threads go with the title; I like to get the thesis out to you guys and just explain my thoughts later. However, this time, I think I'll just write until a title comes to me.

Hello. You all know me as Punkology, some of you call me Shanahan or Phenom, or even Matt. Today, I'm Matt. Nothing else, just Matt. And today, I want to share some stuff with you guys; some personal stuff that I honestly didn't think I'd have to do at any point.

First, let me begin by saying that I don't have a bad life. Sure, it's not the best, but I manage. I have some good friends around me, I'm doing well in school, and my girlfriend and I are steadily repairing our relationship. Well, soon-to-be girlfriend again, I hope. But anyways. Things aren't going bad, per say.

No matter how well they go though, I'm insanely depressed most days.

I hide it, a lot. I hide it from the woman I love. I hide it from my family, my friends, and anyone that sees me on a day-to-day basis. Some days, I'm actually okay. Others, I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to talk to people, I just want to play something mindless to kill the day. It sucks, and I've been trying to figure out a way to cure it; for awhile, I had a way. I called it Bad Blood Wrestling. It gave me something that World of Warcraft, my friends, my family, and anything else couldn't give me: it gave me purpose. Working the forums, planning the cards, coordinating with everyone's storylines and mixing in championships on a 3 week basis was probably one of the most fulfilling things I've ever done. It's sad to say that considering this is just some forum website, but it's true. I was actually proud of my work. I proudly spoke of this place because of the work I was doing; sure, my friends just rolled their eyes and made a joke or two when they saw me sitting up at midnight, planning the next card so you all could wake up to seeing fresh matches, but it made me happy. I felt a sense of accomplishment when people say "Damn Matt, thanks for booking this match! I'm having a lot of fun with it." Why? Probably because I was giving people what I haven't been able to have since Shanahan vs King Round 1 - I was giving them a way to have fun around here.

You may ask, what changed? Well, I couldn't tell you. During the Fall of 2014 though, something did change. I don't know if it was just burn-out from the competition I was juggling in other guilds (For those that don't know, that was the year where I was actively competing in WWF:G and WWE:E, as well as jobbing in BBW and running the show), but something happened and I just... didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to log onto Gaia. I didn't want to tend to BBW. Honestly, the guild almost closed during that "Winter Break" last year, but King helped me up and it kinda recharged my batteries. I came in 2015 thinking I could do even better than last year.

I'm not sure if you guys have noticed, but I failed. Hard. Lemme explain.

I let BBW down this year. Honestly, it all started when I tried to start competing again; even Shanahan vs King Round 2 contributed to this. I went back to trying to juggle competition AND booking. I was trying to coordinate promos with King, on top of coordinating stuff with Joey for our WWF:G storyline, on top of running BBW. I kept telling myself it'll pay off. These storylines are going to be my best, and then I can be done. I can focus on BBW.

Sadly, on paper, they were my best: I love those two angles more than any I've worked. In reality, they weren't. I let both King and Joey down, and those two matches have gone unfinished. It kinda killed my spirit, but I kept telling myself "Hey, maybe we'll get them done next week," but then I even started wanting to avoid them, because I felt ashamed that I couldn't get them done. The two matches I had wanted more than anything this year, and I couldn't finish the job. That mentality kinda... really affected my BBW performance from then on.

I try to work passed it. I decide that the best course of action is to make more things in BBW for me to keep busy with, and it did excite me for awhile. The Brutal Eight segment, there were plans between Dallas, Dion, and myself to start an interview show during every card, where we'd just alternate who holds the reins. I started pushing for more active title scenes, and that worked for a couple of cards. BBW was looking like it'd recover from its low point during June.

As you know, it was temporary. Quickly, I started forgetting about The Brutal Eight; I think the last one was in May. That interview show never happened, because I kept putting it off, despite the golden opportunities I was given for it every card. I started falling behind with roll calls, and then I started getting cards out late. One or two days late usually, and no one batted an eye. Everyone just kept telling me "It's okay man, we know you're busy. Take your time."

I can't excuse a card being a whole week behind like this last one was. Other guilds? Sure, it happens. It doesn't happen in BBW; at least, it hadn't since our first couple of months back in 2013.

So yeah, I've been letting BBW slip drastically. I can't blame it all on schoolwork either; there have been full days where I haven't been busy, I just didn't want to log onto Gaia. I didn't want to post a roll call, because I knew once I did, I'd start trying to do more stuff. I'd lose myself into the site, or get depressed by the state that I let things slip into. At no point have I thought, "No, it's time to fix this. It's time to clean everything up." Because... well, I haven't wanted to. I know it's my fault, because I took on too many projects and tried run things like clockwork. The "Best of..." series, the Best in The Business (which I've also let slip drastically), BBW, all the side stuff inside BBW, hell, even updating the roster or the championships has been a task in the past few weeks. I just... I've lost my desire to be here. Again. Probably for good this time.

That's nothing against you guys either, of course. I love this community, it's one that I will serve even long after Gaia closes shop. If you guys all went and found a new forum, I'd follow. Probably. Maybe. Probably as a behind-the-scenes guys. But you get my point. You guys mean the world to me, and I'll always be willing to help you all with anything that I can.

That being said, it's time to reveal the point of this thread.

Hardcore Harvest will be BBW's last show.

It pains me to say that, but it's been the plan for a couple of months now. I haven't said anything because I didn't want anyone to phone it in, or just jump ship because it wasn't going to go get them anything in the end (nor would I blame those who did). Honestly, I'm not sure you're even going to see this. I'll probably finish it and decide not to post it, and continue with my plans of it being a "surprise" on January 1st. But... yeah. BBW officially closes shop after Hardcore Harvest. I'm doing this because if I don't, I'm just going to continue letting the guild slip away. BBW is going to end up like every other guild that closes down: inactive champions, maybe 2-3 people who still want matches, and me going "C'mon guys, there won't be a card until I see more sign-ups..." I swore I'd never be that guy, that BBW would always have a show. That no matter how many sign up, BBW would carry on. So to make that legacy stays in tact, I'm closing the doors before I watch it turn into one of those cases.

This is especially painful for me because BBW has been the sole reason I stayed around between 2013 and now. I was done with the community back then, and Marts convinced me to come back and give this guild thing one more shot. If it weren't for him, BBW wouldn't exist. He made the logo, the idea, the titles, everything. The guild was practically 70% his brainchild, with me adding and tweaking things until we were happy with it. Without it, I dunno why I'll log on here. I dunno if I will on a regular basis. I dunno anything moving forward here.

What I do know is, BBW isn't going to fade away. It's going out on my terms, with one last show. One more, then the doors close. The titles are vacated. It sucks, I know. Mainly because there were a good few people who only competed in BBW, or had big story plans there. To you people especially, I apologize. I'm letting you down, and I can't change that. I wish I could. I wish I could make up for it; but I can't.

I'm going to take a small moment to answer what I imagine will be the "FAQs" of the thread.

Q: Why don't you just give the guild to Marts or King or someone else who could run it, until you felt up to the job?
A: I hold BBW to a standard that I'm convinced only I could fulfill. I'm not saying that King or Marts couldn't, but it's not a conviction I can let go. Both of them are amazing guild owners, better than I could ever be, but my OCD won't allow even the smallest change in how things are done. If I saw a change that I didn't approve of, even in formatting, I might lose my s**t. It's just how I am.

Q: Will BBW ever reopen?
A: Yes. Maybe. Possibly. I dunno. If it did, it'd be next August probably. One thing I haven't mentioned is the fact that next semester will be my last and by-far my hardest yet. I need to focus on that if I'm going to come out with my head above water, and then I need to get a job. That's all stuff I can't do when I'm juggling a love life, my gaming desires, AND Gaia. I have to cut something, and BBW is just the most likely candidate. So if it comes back, it would be next year when I have time and feel up to it. If the community would be ready for it, as well. I'm not going to be that guy that just reopens the guild and expects people to flock in.

Q: What about the Social Guild?
A: I will definitely try to still be on here to facilitate things, because if there's ever an issue, people can just tell me on Skype and I'll hop on to deal with it. So I'll still be trying my best to play mediator around here.

Q: Best in the Business?
A: Yeah, I know it's still a thing. I'll be finishing it out this year and then probably passing it off to someone who wants to do it. Or I'll just run the thread, since I wouldn't actually be involved in anything nominated. You know, that might help... ah, we'll get there when we get there.

Q: #OneMoreMatch?
A: No. I'm done with that too, as far as I'm concerned.

Q: Saint Joseph or Kingly Kelly?
A: I dunno, that's tough. I love them both, they're both two of my best friends in this world... I'm gonna have to say Cartwright instead.

Joking aside with that last one, I think that sums it all up. Now, let's single people out!

@Trent: I'm sorry to you, because you and I had a lot of great plans for Ameno vs Omen. It was actually something I was extremely hyped for, and planned on it being my last storyline for a VERY long time. It's not a dead idea by far, but it's one that... well, we're going to have bookmark for now.

@Marts: Sorry for letting BBW come to this man. I didn't want our guild to ever be one that needed to close up shop, but I can't do it anymore. I hope you understand man.

@King: I'm sorry Matt vs Kelly Round 2 wasn't finished. Maybe we'll finish it sometime, who knows.

@Joey: I'm sorry Matt vs LEGACY wasn't finished. Once again, that match is on me bro. I ******** up. I hope we can finish it sometime soon, if I can find the drive.

@Dallas, Dion, Mad Dog, and other BBW exclusive fans: Yes, I know Dion competed in WWF:G for a month or two, but the point stands. I'm really sorry to you guys because I know that BBW was the only place where you really did business, for your own reasons. I hope that changes though. I hope there's a guild out there that'll make it fun for you.

@Cartwright: I'm sorry I never added Russo as a legitimate member of the roster. If/When BBW reopens, I'll add him to the thread.

Again, I'm sorry guys. I just can't do it any longer. I've been trying, and failing; it's time to admit my faults, and do what needs to be done. BBW's last show starts November 9th. Best in the Business voting will hopefully begin around then as well. After all... who knows. Maybe I'll bounce back in January like I did last year, and decide it's not time to lay down and quit. Maybe I'll come back in August like I said. Until then, I'm wrapping up what needs to be done and letting it all go to rest. I'll still be around as much as I can to help the community in any way possible; if anyone needs advice on cards/storylines, or help booking something, you know I'm here. But, mainly on Skype. Anyways, I'm dragging this out.

Ask what you need to, post what you need to. I'm an open book.

This isn't fair, I want you to know. It's not. Im stopping in the middle of making dinner to type this, and Im just saying, this isn't fair.

Today my heart was broken over the tragic loss of a man that my mother and father have known for thirty years. My heart broke because I had to watch both of my parents break down as they lost someone so very important to them. Now, I too feel like something extremely important to me has died. Say what you will about what this online community is, say that it's never been more important than real life, whatever. I've been going at it here for 8 years, and spent my childhood G-Fedding. I'm almost an adult now, and still, Im going strong, and I owe it all, in the end, to you.

However, I am thoroughly convinced, and I know you will try to tell me otherwise, that G-Fedding will die without you. With it dying will a part of me that I've nursed FOR YEARS. Dude, when I tell you I owe everything to you, I mean it. I had chance on chance on chance on chance given to me by people in guilds and I blew it all, until 2013 when BBW came around. You were there for me on nights when I felt like s**t, you let me call you up on skype and helped distract me, you were there for me when I needed to blow off steam in regards to the things people were doing to me so I wouldn't blow me top in public like I used to, and you helped give me what I consider my greatest opportunity ever, when you gave me the opportunity to be the top of your guild. You gave me the ball and told me to run, and albeit I fumbled, working for you and in BBW was the most fun I ever had anywhere. I would give up everything, my championships and stories in F:G, my entire title history, my years of experience, any ******** thing, for you to not do this. I care, I care a lot, about this guild and what I accomplished there, and even more so about you.

You're the absolute best. You're the best, the best, the best, the best, the best. It pains me because I always knew from us talking that you were depressed, but to know I am not someone who can help make you feel better, to maybe change your mind, hurts even more. This affects me more than people probably think it should, but I always felt close to you because of everything you did for me. I thank you a million times. This isn't fair because the story doesnt feel like it's time to end...but...I understand. Like Dallas said, I know I have a multitude of other ways to talk to you, but I will miss you and it hurts.

Thank you, for everything. Thank you so much. Thank you for giving me the opportunities I had. Thank you for saving the fun. Thank you for saving Hiro. Thank you for being you. Thank you Matt.

TLDR

Just kidding!! You don't have to explain yourself, Matt, nothing lasts forever. You did a fantastic job running this guild and this was one of the best guilds I've ever participated in. Best of luck in future endeavors xp

Oh, ******** you. razz



That was twice as much on my head as yours. I'm sure everyone in this community knows how horrifically inactive I am. This wasn't on you.

Seriously though, I don't need to explain what a loss this is going to be. With BBW closing doors, if the exclusives disappear and nothing fills the void, G-Fedding is going to be on its last legs. I say that as crew in F:G. It's a big hole, and it's going to sink the boat.

But honestly? Forget BBW, just for a second. Let's focus on the real loss here.

I could probably say 'what Hiro said' and be done with it, but I think I owe you more than that.

Yes, you were a stellar captain, no doubts there. Hell, I'd even wager to say you're the best writer we have, and judging by the quality, that's high praise. You've mastered the weird art of what we do here. You have such a tiny ego compared to so many others here - you'll admit your faults so much more readily than anybody else here. Whenever anything happened, you'd listen to me rant. Hell, sometimes you'd even join in! Glorious times, friend.

But more than that; honestly, you're just an all-around good person. Do you realise how damn rare that actually is? I've been on some pretty shaky ground in my time, but the one constant for the eight-or-so years I've been around is 'Matt is awesome,' and it has never faltered. Some people say that people you meet on the internet aren't real friends, that we're all acquaintances swimming around in this festering pool of back-alley culture. But I'd proudly call you one of my best friends. Call it, not type it.

It always sucks when real life drags you down. It sucks that you feel depressed, and it sucks that life is going to get harder for you real soon - final semesters are no joke. It'll be tough, at least if you're doing it right. But admitting that something is wrong is a step, and once you see that it is wrong, it can be changed. It's not a fun road, but it can be done. Keep in mind - speaking as someone who's slogged through the drudgery of self-medicated and empty-nighted academia and been pushed unwillingly into the leap-of-faith that is adulthood - things really do get so much better. You're patching things up with your girl, and that's great. You have your future ahead of you. You'll do things. Real things. You'll go places.

Sometimes you look on the horizon and you see storm clouds. But as the days go on, the seasons change. Those clouds will pass. The sun will dance and you will feel alive, and everything seems okay. Live for those moments, friend.

Never stop being awesome; never stop being you.

Everyone's going to miss you here. Well, sort of. Everyone here is going to harass you on Skype, so this is not so much a goodbye as 'I'll meet you at the internet cafe across the road, rather than stay at this strange sports bar.'

tl;dr This sucks, and I love you, you stupid American heart

I didn't plan on responding to this thread at all unless I was asked something, but I just wanted to say thank you all for your support. It means more to me than I can accurately express. To the two of you that tried to issue you some apology, don't sweat it; you have nothing to apologize for. As I always say, real life happens. That's what spurned this thread, unfortunately: real life. Never forget that, don't the stray match or promo get you down.

emotion_jawdrop Wuuuuut?!

It's ok, you're still emotion_awesome

emotion_dowant I'd really like to take part in that last PPV.

.. other than that.. emotion_eyebrow

emotion_dealwithit Stay cool.