Dated to June 16, 2015

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He turned the knob and slipped in through the door, closing it as quietly as possible. Toeing off his shoes the young man wordlessly made his way through the living room and ascended the stairs to the second floor. Any possible noise he could have made was drowned out by the loud noise coming from the bed room. Which was a good thing. It told Des that what he was looking for was still here, that he hadn't disappeared again.

The man sat quietly by the head of the rather large, and all to odd bean bag chair like bed. How sleep was ever managed on this, Des would never know. He sat there, quiet for a few long minutes as he watched Alex, who was curled up in a ball. Face buried into a blue and black sleeveless hoodie that had seen better days. Crying, as if his world had ended.

For the most part, it had. And he had caused it.

A slight shift, and Des pulled his hands out of the front pocket of his hoodie, moving to rub the bridge of his nose, then over his eyes and ultimately through his hair. His glasses were missing for once. But even with them, it would have been easy to see how tired the man looked. He hadn't gotten much sleep in the last couple of.. well in a while. Alex had managed to get him to take a nap here or there, but it wasn't much.

"You scared me when you weren't there this morning..." He finally said. Des didn't bother waiting to hear if Alex gave a reply. "Good thing I know your usual haunts." He mumbled over the sobs. "...When did you leave this morning? Did you even sleep at all last night?" Again, he didn't bother with waiting. "I forgot to bring your cellphone. It's still charging in the kitchen." Came the apology.

Then he went quiet again, his eyes focusing on the blue hoodie for a minute before shifting onto the balled form. "You didn't know Alex. It happens..." He said softly, shifting position and moving to sit Indian style on the bed. "He tugged lightly on a small patch of the fabric that wasn't clutched tightly in Alex's grasp or pressed against some part of him. "Give it to me."


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Alex had felt a lot of things in his time as Kerberos. He wasn't even particularly unfamiliar with the settling feeling int he pit of his stomach that he was a monster - he'd confronted it after his dreams of the future, and after Astrophyllite had fled from him in fear.

It had never felt this personal before.

He had never felt "monster" so deeply in his bones as he did then, when the image of Luka - Caledonia - Caledonite? struggling against Laurelite's corruption was so fresh and visible in his mind. He'd literally handed his boyfriend over to the Negaverse. Gotten him dragged in to the organization Alex himself had come to despise. And the he'd run off to Des and --

He wasn't just a monster as Kerberos, he was a genuinely horrible person.

Des's voice made him jolt and curl around the hoodie even tighter, but his sobs did start to slowly die down.

"W-why are you here?" He asked, between sobs. "I thought, a-after last night, you wouldn't..." But slowly he relinquished control of the hoodie, his grip loosening enough that a good tug would take it out of his grasp.

"I'm...I mean, I really am..I don't even need to do the Ascension thing, I'm already a soulless monster."


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"Why wouldn't I be here?" He asked softly, as he gently pried the hoodie out of Alex's grip and set it in a ball on the floor, out of the bluenette's reach.

"You thought I'd be ashamed of my actions. That I wouldn't want to be anywhere near you, let alone see you. You thought I would leave you in the end. Just like everyone else did in the past." Des sighed softly, reaching over to stroke Alex's hair. "Alex it's not like I stopped you last night. I knew what you wanted... and I was okay with that. And don't start on about how you're only hurting me by doing it. I don't want to hear it." They were going through the same thing, even if the circumstances were different. They could hurt together, however they needed it to happen.

"I never did leave though thought did I?" Came the soft reply as he kept stroking Alex's hair. "Not in the past, not now, not in the future..." Des could remember weird dreams, where he was a nameless Knight of Uranus. Lost, confused and broken. Alex had still been Kerberos, only he had ascended, the cracks over taking his skin. They had both lost themselves in that future. But still managed to find each other. "You weren't so bad.. From what I can remember anyway. Even when the other two were around. You never let the orange haired one get to me. You kept me safe, even though we weren't on the same side anymore. You could have killed me, but you kept me safe instead. That doesn't sound like a monster to me."

Des then shifted, slowly moving to lay on the strange bed facing Alex. He took his ques from Alex, not wanting to spook the broken man off, so any time Des saw him tense or twitched, he stopped only to move again when Alex calmed. "You didn't know Alex... That's not your fault. I know it sucks. Listen to me. Even if he doesn't remember you anymore, he still knows you. He remembers Kerberos. Yes, he's mad at you for how things went down, but you have to trust me, it won't always be that way."

"...After I purified... and became who I was... Lyonesse followed me around like a hawk. I remember being so mad at him. Kinda like how he must be feeling with you. I felt betrayed, that someone I trusted would just leave me like that. Not tell me what he was doing, or who he had become. I refused to believe he was Natron for the longest time... To the point where I kept saying "Not Natron..." I kept doing this for god knows how long, up until the end. He did something, and I realized it was him. But at that point it was too late."

"Things will get better Alex. I can't promise you when, or if things will be like they were before. But he needs to work things out right now. But he knows you. He may not understand what's going on, or what to do right now, but he knows you. He'll realize you didn't what this for him. That you didn't know it was him."


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"Because...you know why," Alex said, and even without the hoodie to hold, he curled back in on himself. "I - I mean, practically as soon as Luka's gone, and Gabriel's missing and - I basically just...I hopped on your d**k as soon as I could and..." He rolled over and buried his face in the bed.

"What the ******** is wrong with me?" He asked, his voice faint.

The reminder of his future sent a chill crawling up his spine. "You're wrong," he said. "I wasn't...keeping you safe because I cared about you. Not then. I didn't care about anyone. You were amusing. I wouldn't let them kill you or take you back because my pretty little Knight was so much goddamn fun, and I didn't want to break my toys. You were more entertaining alive and uncorrupted than dead, so alive and uncorrupted you stayed." He hated talking about the creature he'd been, but it alarmed him that Des thought that way. "I was a cat, and you were a mouse. I would've killed you one day. Or dragged you back. "

It was a fact. Metallia had reached in and scooped out everything human in him, and left nothing behind.

He wanted to scoot over, to curl up against Des and enjoy his warmth and take comfort from it, but he couldn't make himself believe he deserved the comfort.

He let out a tiny, choked sob. "I handed him over! I don't even want to be here anymore, and I was willing to just...sell him out to save my own skin! Of course he'll never forgive me, why would he -- at least Lyonesse didn't...didn't trick you, force you into purifying, I mean..." He let out a choked sob. "I wouldn't deserve his forgiveness anyway."


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"That, is not your fault either. I could have stopped you. I didn't. You weren't using me... And Gabriel... Gabriel's gone too Alex. You know that. We both do... "

"Nothing is wrong with you." He answered, stroking at blue hair again. "You kept me safe." Des urged. "That's all that matters, regardless of what the reasoning behind it was. You kept me safe Alex. You didn't let anyone touch me when you were around. Be it Order or Chaos. You kept me safe and you protected me when you could. I wouldn't have gone with you, sought you out if I didn't think you weren't safe. Even with how different we both were. I knew you'd keep me safe, and you did just that Alex."

"You didn't know." He repeated, as he moved closer and wrapped his other arm around the smaller mans body. "You didn't know. Anyone could have done it." It had happened before, and they both knew that. "You wanted to save him in the end. From all of this. I know you did. Lyonesse's didn't trick me, no. But Natron didn't trust my actions enough to tell me. He didn't me screwing up, or getting in danger because of what he did. Look how I ended up because of that Alex."

When the other man started to cry again, Des tightened his grip and pulled as best as the bed would allow. "Shhh.. It's okay. Listen to me. I can't tell you how much he will forgive you. How mad he'll stay with you. But he'll see you didn't want this for him. For who he was. That what happened was the last thing you wanted for him. That you would have done so many other things, to keep him safe from this. You're just going to have to let him work things out. He will come to you eventually."


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Alex just shook his head, but when Des reached out to wrap his arms around him, he pressed close, burying his face in Des's chest instead of in the bed. It was easy to accept comfort, even if he didn't feel he deserved it.

"I should have told Luka what I am," he said softly. "He would have left, but that's okay, at least he would have been safe." He let out a tiny, faint sob. "I - he would have been better off without me." He let out a tiny pathetic whine. "I couldn't keep Luka safe, I couldn't keep you safe, I can't do anything. I don't even have it in me to try and leave." Not that Order would want him anyway. Hver could say whatever she wanted, they would never accept him, not after what he'd done.

Not after this.

He wailed, not even bothering to suppress it. "He'd be wrong to forgive me, I took everything from him - his life, his memories, his family, and I told him I loved him. I'm a monster." He was shaking, even though he didn't realize it. "I'm so sorry, Des, I'm sorry I shoved myself on you like that, that I'm a terrible friend, that I...I...you should go," he said. "P-please go. I don't deserve you being here, trying to comfort me."


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"We can't do that... You know that Alex. They would have come after him if they knew he knew who you were. Who know's what they would have done with you because you told him." Des murmured. Telling Luka didn't mean he'd be safe. If anything, it could have made him more of a target.

"That's definitely not true." The man said, cupping Alex's face as brushing away the tears. "You guys worked for each other. As much as I didn't want to admit it at the time, you were both what each other needed." They had both been hurt so many times in the past. The love between them had been real. "You don't know that he would have left, but things would have been more complicated.

"Shhh Alex. Alex, listen. You tried Alex. You tried to keep him safe in the future. You tired, did and have kept me safe. I'm still here aren't I? If he forgives you that's on him. I told you, he know's you loved him. He may not remember you but, feelings like that?? They never truly go away Alex." Des wrapped his arms back around Alex, letting the smaller man bury his face away and hide.

"Stop apologizing for that. It happened. I'm okay with it Alex. I didn't stop you because I didn't want too. I knew what I was doing too Alex... You're not a terrible friend."

"I'm not leaving." He said sternly. "I told you before, I haven't left in the past, I'm not leaving now Alex. Why would I leave? I've been there for you for things in the past.


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Des was right, and he knew it, and somehow that just made things worse. "B-but maybe he could have...I dunno, but...something..." Surely there was a way he could have fixed this.

He could have let Schörl keep him down there forever, he supposed. Been a subject for her experiments. That couldn't have been worse than knowing he'd betrayed someone he loved.

He sniffled, and stared down at the bed. "I...I love him. I still do, I guess that's not...going away. I just...I also...I mean, never mind." He'd been about to come out with something he knew he'd regret later. "I want him to forgive me someday, but I still won't deserve it." He closed his eyes and leaned forward again, resting his forehead on Des's chest.

"I don't...want it to happen again. I mean, I do, I really do, but not...not like that." Was he saying too much? Bah, no taking it back now. And instead of arguing or insisting that Des leave, he just let out a small sigh.

"Thank you." He was silent, for a long moment, and then - "I shouldn't be here. This is his place, and his things. I don't deserve to be here."


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"We don't know what could have happened Alex... Things could have been a lot worse for both of you." Perhaps things could have been different, sure. But that didn't mean they'd be any easier to deal with.

"I know you do." He said, running his hand through Alex's hair again. "I told you, that's not exactly going to stop over night. For now, just try to stay clear. I can go with you, if you want. When you do you patrols. It's up to him whether he thinks you deserve it or not. So, if he does forgive you, don't shy away from it. Don't tell him he's wrong for thinking so. I know this will seem like a weird thing to say Alex, but it's like you said. He doesn't have a lot of things anymore. But you are the only thing he remembers. Even if it's only one part of you, he knows you. He knows you knew him before all this. He may want to know someday, he may not. But if, and when he does, he'll come to you."

"No.. Tell me." Des urged softly. "You just what." Alex had always been able to tell him things in the past. Now should be no different. "If you're worried I'll be mad at what you say, I promise I won't be." Des really had no right to be mad at him right now. "You don't have to do anything, if you don't want to do it Alex. It's okay, I promise."

Des just hummed in response to the thanks, thinking little of it. He was doing what any friend should do. "Your things are here too Alex. This wasn't just his place. This was your home..." He sighed quietly. "As much as you're not going to like it, you might have to go through these things."

The purple haired man craned his neck awkwardly as he looked about the room. "...We could always... pack things up. His stuff too. You could save it for him. He may want it if he reaches out to you."


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Alex sighed. Des was probably right, it would have been far worse. He was doomed to hurt Luka, to fail him, even though he'd tried so hard for so long not to. He was a ********, and that was it. An irredeemable ********.

"I-I'd like to have you with me," he admitted. It meant he wouldn't be able to slip off and talk to Hver, but he couldn't bear the idea of looking her in the face and admitting to what he'd done, or of lying to her or hiding it. Either was uncomfortable, so he would just stay away. "I know it has to be his choice, but I..." He sighed. "You're right. It's...my responsibility, if he wants to know, to help him. To tell him who he was." He could keep going for that, couldn't he? Because he owed Luka, and whoever he became, that much.

He felt color rush to his cheeks and buried his face in Des's chest further, as if that would cover up his embarrassment. "No, don't worry about it, forget I started to say anything." He'd been a slip of the tongue away from telling Des he loved him, too, and no, definitely not the time.

"I'll box up his things. And mine. And...I dunno, do you have extra space at your place? I don't...I can't stay here." He couldn't be surrounded by Luka's things and Luka's memory, not after what had happened.


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"I know that sigh. Stop that. You didn't know. It's not like you meant to hurt him. Give him some time. You can apologize after a while if you want too. Offer to help him remember if he wants to know. Take your ques from him. Remember, it's going to take him time to adjust. That doesn't mean you can't try to make it right."

"I'll go with you. We can take Airi if you want. He's apparently really good at tracking. ...When he's not sleeping on the couch all day. He could let us know if someone's around before we feel them." And with the youma's collar, it made him untrackable. He blinked when Alex flustered and hid against him. "Nooooo. Tell me!" The man whined. "Tell me" With a quick roll, Des was sitting on top of Alex with a devilish grin and flexing his fingers. "Or else..."

Too bad he didn't give Alex much of a chance to make up his mind before he started mercilessly tickling the poor guy.

A few minutes later full of reckless laughter and a few tears (from the laughter, Des swore it.), the older man stopped. "I'll hafta check the storage room, but if not I got a storage unit going to waste you can use if it's needed. You uh... you can stay with me if you want? Or your uh, friend. The one you told me about."


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Alex nodded. Des was right - it wasn't like he'd done any of this on purpose. And maybe...one day Luka would understand that too.

He opened his mouth to protest, to continue to insist he wasn't going to say anything, because oh god no he did not want to tell Des what he was thinking, but the tickle assault was quick and merciless. It wasn't long before he was drowning in a torrent of laughter, and struggling to breathe under the onslaught.

"I'm not telling you anything," he protested breathlessly, between giggles. For a moment, everything was okay - and for another moment, when Des stopped, Alex wanted more than anything in the world to lean up and kiss him.

Damn it.

"A storage unit would be...really great," he said, instead. On topic. He could not be kissing Des, not now.


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"Why nooooooot." He whined again. "You tell me everythiiiiiiiing." Well just about everything anyway. But Alex never was very good about keeping secrets. At least from him anyway. "Tell meeeeeeeeee." He pouted, making his best pouty face, with puppy eyes and everything. Quite a feat when it looked like hadn't slept in a few days. When Alex withheld, he whined more, swaying from side to side a bit. Too bad he leaned a little to far over, and some how managed to tumble off the over sized bean bag.

"Ow..." Came the whimper. "Forget it. I'm staying here. I'm not moving. I'm too tired for this. Can I just sleep on the floor?" Not that the angle he was at was particularly comfortable but beggars cant be choosers.

"We'll see where we can shove everything. Shouldn't be too hard." He murmured from the floor.


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Alex slid off the bed, and surprisingly casually positioned himself to straddle Des. "Are you really sure you want to know?" He asked, and suddenly he was completely serious. He didn't want Des to think he was kidding around if he said it, not like the last time he'd come out and admitted his feelings.

Which had never gone away, which he was pretty sure made him awful.

"Because I am completely serious, I don't think it's fair for me to drop this on you right now." Not with everything the way it was. Luka corrupted, Gabriel missing - there was too much going on for him to think it was a reasonable time to tell Des that his feelings hadn't changed.

If there ever was one.


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"And why wouldn't I? Dude I thought I was your best friend. To my credit, the only times I don't listen to you are when you wanted to brag about your old flings. I mean, no offense. I just didn't need to know how big Joe Schmoe's trouser snake was from four blocks over. As it is, I can't say I didn't listen to you when I was mad at you or we were fighting cause we ended up talking that stuff out..." He blinked, trying to mull things over and remember if there were any other times he didn't really listen.

"You've dropped things on me before..." The young man pointed out. Des wriggled slightly, trying to fix his position so that he wasn't as haphazardly strewn across both the crazy bed and the floor, but to little avail. Eh. He'd been in stranger positions.


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"You are my best friend," Alex said, and he moved off Des, tucking himself into a corner and curling in on himself. "That's the problem." He couldn't even meet Des's eyes, or look at him at all.

He took a long breath, and then let it out. "I'm still in love with you," he said, and he said it as quickly as he could, a blush coloring his cheeks bright red. He buried his face behind his knees, prepared for the inevitable rejection, because once again, timing. Last time it had been right after a breakup, now t was with Gabriel missing and Luka corrupted and him barely together.


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"Course I am. No one can take your stories with a straight face but me. Ever." Des face contorted as he twisted around to follow Alex into a corner. "Okay, I'm calling bullshit. That excuse has never stopped you from telling me something before."

Ah.

So that's what the issue was.

Des sat against the wall for a moment, just staring at Alex before once again scrubbing at his face. "You know... It's funny." He said, as he dropped his hands into his lap. "You act like I didn't already know that. When the truth is I've always know. I could always tell you did, even when you were dating someone else. Whether it was someone you actually cared for, or the ones you dated to try and make me jealous. Don't think I don't know about those attempts by the way..."

Not that he could forget them. Des had beaten the s**t out of a number of them after a few lines had been crossed. He didn't touch Alex or try to coax the boy out from his hiding spot. Which was probably a good thing. Maybe.

"But anyway... I always knew. I'll admit though, I didn't fully realize it till a while after you had confessed. At that point though, I was still pretty torn up about my break up. I just didn't... I don't know." He sighed. Bringing his knees up, Des stretched his arms out on top of them. the tips of his fingers lacing together as he stared forward at an invisible spot on the opposing wall.

Then he was quiet for a moment, as if he'd gotten lost in thought. "I think I was scared, honestly." He said finally. "I had seen what a few of your relationships were like, and I had been in one relationship, that ended in disaster. And that had been with a friend that I got along with, saw on a regular basis. After the break up?" He sighed, tilting his head back till it thumbed against the wall. "I couldn't even tell you if he still lived in the city. So I got to wondering, what would happen if we dated, and then the inevitable break up happened. Would we just, stop talking? Stop seeing each other? Or would we have been forced into awkward conversation when our paths crossed cause of who we know."

"I didn't want that. You could say that it wouldn't happen. That you'd work to make sure it didn't. But what if it did Alex? We can't control things like that. I was too scared of the prospect of losing you, that I didn't think of what good could come from being with you. I know having to watch me date Gabriel tore you up inside, and I'm sorry for hurting you like that. I'll be honest with you... That came out of left field for me. I didn't expect for things to happen like they did... But they did. And I was happy... For the first time in a long time."

"Then you found Luka, and I suddenly learned how you felt watching me and Gabriel. I know I got loud about my protests about the two of you. But at the same time... I could see that you were just like me. Luka had made you happy. I could tell you loved him a great deal. You guys meshed so well. You got him up and moving and out of my hair, and he kept you save, calmed you down in a sense. I often found myself thinking a number of times, 'Maybe this one will be the one.' And that was... quite a huge thing for me to admit about Luka. But I knew he made you happy, and I wasn't going to get in the way of that."

"But I want you to know something, and I want you to listen to me, and listen good." He said, as he finally turned to Alex, wrapping an arm around the curled up frame. "I never stopped knowing you loved me. I am reminded, each and every day. Even if you don't verbally say it. That being said... I never stopped loving you either."


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Alex held his breath - not on purpose, but because he couldn't make himself breathe. He didn't know what to expect - well, no, he did, he expected another rejection. There was no way Des could feel that way about him. Not without regretting it a whole lot. Alex didn't exactly consider himself an easy person to love, by any means - or really a person worth loving at all.

He wanted to protest, but he couldn't make himself say anything, either. He did, however, slowly begin to uncurl himself, because...well, none of this sounded very rejection-like. And he started to get his breath going again, but it was quiet and shallow. This couldn't be happening, there was no way.

Because this was sounding less and less like a rejection, and he didn't want to get his hopes up, but he couldn't help it. He was hoping.

At some point, he started crying silently, not even really aware there were tears rolling down his cheeks. It hurt, to be reminded of how he'd felt when Des got together with Gabriel, because he had been happy for them - but it had hurt. And then he'd found Luka and he'd realized how much he loved him, and he'd thought - maybe he would finally be over it.

But he was never over it.

And apparently, neither was Des.

Alex jerked his head up at Des's confession, and uncoiled himself from the ball he'd twisted up in, and then he reached up and yanked Des down for a very wet, unfortunately teary kiss.

"You a*****e," he sobbed, when he pulled back, "you ******** a*****e, it's not fair, I shouldn't be so happy - not after what I did, but I...damn it," he said, and then he dropped his head down to Des's chest and started to cry all over again, arms wrapping around the taller man's shoulders and squeezing.


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Des' immediate response to Alex's sudden movement was to scramble, thinking the blue haired teen was about to introduce his fist to the other man's face. However, that was apparently not the case. "Has anyone ever told you it really looks like you're gonna punch someone in the face when you do that? Cause it does." He said, blinking slowly.

Des moved Alex into his lap, and let the smaller man cling and cry against him. "Hey, that's not your fault either so stop blaming yourself for it, alright? If I thought it was a bad idea, you know I would have stopped you." He murmured, stroking Alex's hair once more. Again, he slipped into silence for a few minutes, letting Alex cry before speaking once more. "It might sound weird, but I want to think that they knew... That we cared about each other. That if, in the off chance that anything happened to them both, that we'd find each other. That we'd help each other cope." Whatever coping may be. "We'd understand how each other felt." He sighed. Maybe he was wrong.

"How could you not know?" He said, almost laughing. "Alex, there is a metal bar in my mouth and I got a ridiculously large tattoo on my back just because you said you thought it would look good. When have I ever done something like that at anyone else's word? Hell, I barely did your sisters suggestions."


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"I don't usually do that," Alex said, but it came out weaker and less snarky than it might have otherwise. He was conten to let Des scoop him up while he cried - it felt safe and warm, and maybe even more so knowing his feelings were reciprocated. It didn't make him feel any less terrible, in the pit of his stomach, when he thought about how Lika might feel -- but maybe Des was right.

Maybe he would have understood. And maybe it was better that things had fallen out exactly the way they had. Des and Gabriel had been so happy -- had needed each other, in a way, because both their first loves had fallen apart. And maybe he and Luka had needed each other the same way - even if he had never been the kind of person Luka really deserved.

"Maybe you're right," Alex said, and it was the closest to something positive he had come out with. "I didn't...mean that, though, I mean I don't think I really..." He swallowed. Des obviously disagreed, anyway, but - "I'm not sure it's fair for me to be happy with you after what I did to Luka. I might as well have killed him..."

He swallowed. "I should have realized how you felt, but..." How did he explain that it was hard for him to even consider that someone might care about him that way? As a friend, sure, or to want him for sex - but to actually love him romantically? To want to be with him not as a hookup, but as a real lover?

Incomprehensible.


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"Not usually. But lets remember I know you like the back of my hand. I can usually tell when you're seriously gonna punch someone."

"Alex, it is totally fine, and fair for you to be ******** happy in your life for once. Regardless of what you do in life. He's not dead. Be glad they didn't ask you to kill him. Or maybe they would have killed you and forced you to watch. Because at that point you'd be wishing for this outcome instead. It's shitty what happened to him, yes. You're hurting. I am too. Not just because of Gabriel. Because of Luka. He was my friend, whether or not I would admit that. I'm hurting because of you too. I don't like seeing you like this Alex. And if I can make you happy for once, then you can bet your a** I'm going to try."

Des huffed, patting the bluenette's back. "It's not like I made it easy to tell. And if I did tell you, it was always 'no'. So, I don't blame you for not realizing it. Like I said, I didn't put it together right away either." Not until Alex wasn't at his side anymore, standing next to him like he always had been.

"So? Do I need to say it for you to get it? I. Love. You."


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Alex inhaled sharply. It was all too easy, with the vivid picture in his head, to imagine Laurelite running Luka through - or instead, handing him to Schörl, so that he could slowly be broken down while Alex watched.

Yes. Better.

"He's alive," Alex acknowledged, "and maybe...I mean, it wouldn't be fair of me to leave you alone, not after what happened to Gabriel." Justify it as for someone else. As for Des. Maybe that made him less terrible.

"I know I already said it, but - I love you too," Alex breathe,d and then he leaned in to steal another kiss.

It wasn't okay, not yet. But maybe it would be.