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 Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 10:11 am
His hand hovered over the knob. Horace was used to the room that lay behind it, the white walls too full of uncomfortable memories mixed in with good. Normally, he would have just walked in, made himself comfortable with a book or by curling around a warm body. Normally, Horace would have had the certainty that he was home and the certainty that if he wasn't, it was okay for Horace to just wait. But things had not been normal for a very long time. So, for the first time in that very long time, Horace knocked instead.
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Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 10:59 am
It was simply by chance that Lawrence was home, in the past he spent hours and hours in the luxury of his room, simply enjoying his own company and the repetition of familiar paths through words, spooling out the familiar passages under his gaze until they lost all meaning and became nothing but rhythm and tempo, an erratic heartbeat pinned out on the page in defiance of time and ageing. It had brought him some small degree of satisfaction to look and to dwell upon the day when he would learn to pin his own existence eternal and enduring the same way.
These days it was not the same, there was an urgency which had bled into his life, like a stain he could not erase. The clone's tick tick tick tick pursued him along with the strange thought that he might never attain the perfection he intended to inhabit without chasing it. Urgency - he found himself thinking as the days fled faster than he would like - was shaped in a similar logical fashion to fear. The sensation of black and looming danger of course was alien to him, his urgency was not of the primal sort that other people seemed to experience (at least according to literature), it was simply an increased tempo to his life, an attempt to outpace his own mortality and outwit the threats that loomed at the edges of his day to day life.
He pursued by doing and doing meant being in the infirmary, elbow deep in life and death to try and get some taste of how to change or alter it. He needed to be there to comprehend and that meant spending a great deal of time in the scattering of tents which passed for a medical facility of late, he had stopped by in fact simply to make himself some lunch as he had begun to feel woozy and Butch had loudly protested.
Looking up, he raised a brow, Melvin had no need to knock and other than the blonde man he had very few individuals on the island who would choose to spend a moment of their day in his company.
"Comiiiing." he half sung, making his way to the door and opening it amicably. He was dressed in a simple t-shirt and loose trousers, evidently both pulled on in order to avoid cooking in his working scrubs and over the top he wore a simple white apron. It was not his normal dress to impress attire. He smiled in a friendly fashion as he looked Horace over.
"Well hello there stranger." he said, and it was conspicuously lacking the strange American accent he normally affected, stripped back to rather formal English with a bouncing lilt of Swedish to it. "Have you come to hit me too?" he said.
"If you have I would rather you let me finish lunch first, I would rather enjoy it without the taste of blood and my own teeth thank you." and he gestured in the direction of the small plate he'd just laid out on the countertop, set with some miniscule salad creation he had apparently deemed a hearty snack.
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Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2015 5:24 am
Horace frowned at the small salad before abruptly reminding himself he should not still care about Jan's eating habits. "Feel free to finish your food," he said, moving into the room. Goosebumps prickled up and down his skin. Horace was kind of glad he spoke without the exaggerated accent - at the same time, he kind of missed it. Not the overblown thing , but how it had been pared back a little bit later on. The more formal English reminded him of the cold tone of voice Jan used when things did not bode well for Horace. "I did not come here to hit you, Jan, or whatever I'm to call you." He thought about sitting down, but discarded the idea. He did not want to get any kind of comfortable here. "Hitting you would imply I had expected something more out of you. I did not." He shrugged half-heartedly, sticking his hands in his pockets and looking anywhere but at Jan. "I came to give you something."
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Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2015 8:50 am
Lawrence did not need to be told twice, making his way over to his plate and retrieving it briskly to sit at on the couch with it resting daintily on his knee. It was not the sort of refined dining he would prefer but as yet the room was somewhat spartan on the furniture front. A visit to ikea in the near future promised to alleviate some of that poverty - even if it was with cheap and flimsy furniture not even close to the standard he truly desired - but for the time being they were mostly table-less. He patted the cushion next to himself invitingly, momentarily holding his fork in his teeth as he did so as if this was an everyday thing to do, resuming eating his food as normal when he was done with the gesture.
"Well do sit down then darling, you can give me whatever it is in a moment."
"I apologise that the place is not quite as homey as I would have made sure it was if I knew I would be entertaining company." He mused, between tiny bites of his food, before seeming to find something rather entertaining and smiling broadly, his laugh oddly genuine. "At least Melvin and I managed to tidy up the stains ha ha ha! That would be embarrassing now wouldn't it, entertaining an old friend and a guest in a room with blood on the floor." His laughter dissipated as quickly as it came and he settled his gaze on Horace with that strange uncanny level of intensity which sometimes flashed a fin and for a moment it seemed like the warmth of his lingering smile did not quite reach it.
"Anyway," he went on, "That assault was very rude of you Horace, and very dangerous. I don't like the implication inherent in it that you did not agree with my choices either, I loved you, I tried and was working towards it, Melvin was something else, I was trying to make him better and set him free. You were important to him as a friend and he agonised a great deal over not wanting to hurt you. I felt his recovery would have been expedited the way things went, and then you had to muddle it up." he sighed and shook his head, giving the other man a warm, fond smile. "It could have been wonderful Horace."
"Whatever will I do with you?" he said, and breaking the stare with a resigned and playful shrug he turned back to the last of his food, finishing it up and dabbing his mouth with the corner of the pristine apron before setting the plate aside and leaning back decadently on the chair in a single exhalation, his arms spread across the back of it. "I am to assume that this gift you bear is not the physical sort I am hoping for, yes?"
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Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2015 10:03 am
He hesitated, hesitated again, and then say down, trying to make his body take up the least amount of space possible. No touching legs, no sir. "Yes, well, Melvin certainly knows how to get blood off the floor." Horace did not point out that Jan knew he was coming, even if it had been some sort of undetermined future point, rather than specified. The intensity of Jan's gaze was unnerving, now, and so like the look that apparition in the forest had given him. Stay. He blinked. "You did not love me; stop contradicting yourself." His fingers drummed on his thigh. "Rude, perhaps, but rudeness begets rudeness. If he had truly agonized over telling me, if he had actually cared about me as a friend, things would have been different." And with that and a small wave of his hand, Melvin was dismissed. The scabs on his knuckles were already gone - healed by his weapon. "It would not have be wonderful. There were many, many things not wonderful about it, Jan." Horace took a deep breath and looked at his knees. "I hope," he said, and stiffened as Jan leaned back. Horace was like a nervous girl on her first date - nervous in all those same mannerisms for all different reasons. He swallowed. "-that you will do nothing with me. It is a physical sort of gift, a returning, but ah...it's n-not sex." Horace did not move to retrieve the item from his pocket; it was as though he'd almost forgotten about it even as he spoke of it.
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Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2015 10:26 am
Lawrence smiled and shook his head. "If you need to tell yourself it would not have worked out one day to cope then that is acceptable to me darling, you know that. I just want you to be happy, whatever works for that. I wanted to learn to love you to make you happy, it was not quite good enough for you and that is acceptable. You moved out of my life, you removed the part of me that held onto you, it is gone, that is what you have come to tell me."
He gave Horace another soft smile, a tinge of sadness creeping into the words. "Isn't it?"
He let the thought hang in the air a moment before pressing on. "I will admit that I am a little disappointed, both in what you have come to say and in the rejection of something more significant, but it is not admittedly unexpected from you. What have you brought me?"
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Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2015 9:11 pm
"I removed no parts of you," he said, suddenly sounding incredibly tired. They had been over and been over these sorts of things and it only ended in Horace getting hurt. Again. He wished Jan didn't have that kind of power over him; it would be so much better if he could leave and never, ever look back. "You can't make this all my fault, Jan. It's not true." Horace resumed looking rather studiously at his knees. He felt his exhaustion drape across him like a blanket and in some ways it was a blessing - it dulled everything. Made everything a little easier. He let out a soft laugh, finally fishing in his pocket. "How can I reject something when it rejected me first?" Horace held out his hand, fingers tightly clasped around something. "Here, give me your hand."
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Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 3:55 am
"If you say so Horace, whatever makes you feel better you can have, even if it is not entirely true. I did not say this was all your fault either, there was a contribution of sorts on both sides, I simply wanted to make an effort to change, you would change nothing for me, nothing important anyway. It was all words, I love you Jan, I want nothing more than you, but it was impossible to handle the fact I perhaps was not entirely monogamous, that was too much to bear. You lied to me as much as I lied to you, and you did it with self righteousness." He shook his head in mute condemnation.
Refusing to extend his hand he clasped it instead. "You rejected me long before I rejected you. And no. I will not. My hand is valuable and I can no longer trust you Horace, you have already attacked your friend and mine, I no longer know where your loyalties lie. You could be here to harm me. Show me what it is and I will consider giving you my hand."
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Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 10:41 am
Horace chewed on his lip. "Nothing could make me feel better about this. There was a double standard you imposed on me that was unfair. Everything was not about a lack of monogamy. I did not reject you before you did - you pushed me away, pushed me down and continue to do so. I should never, ever speak to you again, Jan. All you know how to do is hurt people." HE frowned and finally, actually looked at Jan. "What do you think it is? Razorblades or something? Come on. I already said I'm not here to hurt you." He reached out with his other hand and began to try and drag Jan's hand over.
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Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 10:51 am
"If you say so." he said, and it was with obvious hurt in the words. "I would have stayed with you if you had been okay with my teaching of Melvin. Perhaps we could have been happy. All of us." he shook his head. "That I admit was what I hoped for, to have you help me look after Melvin and make him better and then send him on his way if that was what he wanted. But it is fine, I will accept the blame if that is where you want it to lie, I couldn't love you like you wanted and this is my punishment." he smiled, but still with that underlying sad hint to it.
When Horace seized his hand, he ceased all objecting, passively letting him have it in that strange limp way he sometimes reverted to when manhandled.
"I don't know what to think any longer Horace." he said. "Your words apparently never meant anything."
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Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2015 10:37 am
Irritation knit his brow. "You do realize I only found out about you and Melvin months after I left the island. Melvin had nothing to do with why you told me to leave you or you'd kill me, with why you said I was no longer worth your time." It would be so easy to fall into that sad tone in Jan's voice, to believe it. Horace closed his hand tightly around the metal chain, but it wasn't sharp enough to hurt. His fingernails dug in. Who knew how many people Jan's 'all of us' meant? Probably more than he'd even consider telling Horace about. "I loved you, obviously still feel something if I'm willing to ever see you again." He let out a breath that could have been a laugh, but sounded more like a short sigh. "But you don't want me and I can't want you, so I came to give something back." Can't did not equal don't, he thought sadly. Horace pressed the necklace into Jan's hand.
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Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2015 11:45 am
"Melvin is exactly the same reason as America Horace, be serious here, you are jealous, viciously and bitterly jealous and it was something you could not and would not change for my sake. You wanted to smother me until I could do nothing you did not approve of, you wanted everything and everyone in me whether I wanted to give them to you or not."
He nodded to the other man's grip on him as if this was simply an illustration of his controlling nature.
"I wanted you and of course in many ways still want you, but if rejecting me on the basis of that makes it easier go right ahead, but do not expect me to agree with you."
Taking the necklace he eyed it for a moment and set his mouth in a thin line. "And I see you could not even throw away the things you do not want any longer on your own. You would rather I did it because I have "no emotions" is that it? Mockery? You want me to throw away an expensive gift I bought you. I would call you cruel if I could be hurt Horace, as I would rather you kept it. But."
And he stood with a shrug, pulling away from the other man, necklace in hand. "If that is what you want then I have a bin over here."
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Posted: Sat Oct 17, 2015 8:59 am
"The same? It couldn't be more different, unless you'd shank me over a pair of Melvin's shoes." He paused for a second. "Would you? ...d-don't answer that." With Melvin he'd felt so angry and hurt, but with Jan he just felt... defeated. Worthless. Like someone had stabbed him so many times in the same place that he could not remember what it was like to not hurt. Horace had tried, but it hadn't been enough. As usual, he had not been enough. "I wanted to know you, all of you, which isn't a very uncommon feeling in relationships. And I wanted you to try to be a better person, somehow. I wanted-" It didn't matter, had never mattered what he wanted so why should he bother to detail it again, now? He breathed in sharply. "I tried; I tried to throw it way but I couldn't. I thought that, by giving it back, I could... I c-could give back everything else, too. Y-you can do with it as you wish I guess.." He watched as Jan stood. "Can you at least," he said, a little desperately. "-wait until I'm gone?"
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Posted: Sat Oct 17, 2015 9:14 am
"You took something that I wanted, it didn't matter why or if you didn't like the person Horace. You overstepped a boundary I placed as if it didn't exist at all, do you know how offensive that is to me? I have to endure it from any number of people but I had thought you were better than that. I did not expect you to make decisions on my behalf. I would do the same again if you did the same no matter what the object was, if I placed any value in it and you - someone who professed to care about me - simply ignored that then yes, I would not regret treating you with the same respect you showed me." The warmth had drained out of his voice at the reminder of that particular insult to his pride.
"And no, you cannot give back everything I gave you, though I can understand why just like everyone else you would want to. The people here treated the clone the same way, not good enough, no matter what they did, no matter how they learned they could never have the entitled emotion that everyone else considers their birthright." The face of his watch lit up, as if he had activated the nightlight on it, a sign that he was strongly considering summoning Butch or that the weapon was rambling with intent in his thoughts.
"And no, I will not wait till you are gone. You no longer want it, why should it make any difference to you when I throw it away? Unless you want to keep hold of it, it is going out, because I have no reason to keep something which obviously means nothing at all to you. You did not want to know me, you never wanted to know me, you wanted to fix me, you wanted me to learn nothing more than how to be your perfect little husband."
He held out the chain over the bin, opening the lid with his foot. "I tried to learn that once before and look where it left me, with a wife who left for no reason and a child who much like everyone else seems to think I am only barely human."
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Posted: Sat Oct 17, 2015 3:45 pm
He shivered as it Jan's cold voice were a breeze that ghosted over and through him. Horace kept silent there, unabel to argue further. He had overstepped boundaries, but Jan ignored intent in that overstepping. He had worried over Jan's fixation, in every context, but Jan did not want to be rid of it. Horace stayed silent, simply listening, biting his lip, until Jan dangled the necklace over the trashcan. "Wait!" "I did not say I no longer want it," he said, with difficulty. Horace had not wanted to say his reasons aloud. "I said I cannot have it and t-that I couldn't throw it away. It's different." It was the difference inherent in a dieter having a cupcake and a diabetic having a cupcake. Or someone allergic to sugar having one. It was... more dangerous, even deadly. "I did want to know you, all of it, and I thought you were... distressed over your obsession and wanted help I believed you when you told me you did! And there were so, so m-many things you did not tell me." He half-started out of the chair and now stood, arms dangling uselessly at his side. His right hand picked at a loose thread on his shorts. "I do want to watch you throw away that and everything it means to me. You can, but please-"
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