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 Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:58 pm
“Chris, we need to talk,” was never a good way to start any conversation—Paris had learned that over the years; it was a guaranteed cause of stress—but it was how she began the one that occurred on the evening of September 25th.
The entire thing was done against her better judgement. She'd had days to think about it. Weeks, even. It was not a conversation she particularly wanted to have, but one she thought was necessary. The more she considered the topic, the more it bothered her; the more it bothered her, the more stressed she became. With the babies likely only days away, she was on her last nerve.
They were at the Gallos' mountain cabin enjoying a weekend long babymoon. Chris was on the couch flicking through the channels on the television when Paris came out of the bedroom in her pajamas. She was at her wits end and probably looked it. Her eyes were wide and earnest; her hair was in slight disarray; she kept picking at the end of her flannel nightshirt nervously, like she was afraid of what to expect.
“Sorry, I mean... that's not how I meant to start things,” she apologized, hoping she hadn't put Chris immediately on the defensive.
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:01 pm
Oh, he was immediately put on the defensive all right. He immediately tensed and stopped chewing the popcorn he’d just shoved into his mouth, and his hand paused as he reached to grab another handful. His eyes were wide with concern and his mind raced to try and think of what it was he could have possibly done wrong this time.
Did he forget to pick up his underwear from the bedroom? Did he leave his toothbrush on the counter again? Maybe he forgot to put the milk away in the fridge so that it was left out and got bad.
Perhaps there was a special date that he forgot about. It wasn’t her birthday, and he couldn’t think of anything important that happened in September, but he was probably wrong. Or maybe it was more to it than that. Was she finally getting tired of dealing with him being pathetic and helpless and she was wanting to take some time apart??
He couldn’t even turn to watch as the show he’d been watching started showing the hydraulic cabinets he’d always been interested in, instead forcing himself to swallow the half chewed popcorn and shifted slightly on the couch to hide his sudden discomfort.
“Uh… what’s up..?” he tried, not sure how convincingly nonchalant he sounded while looking like he was about to panic.
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:03 pm
He didn’t look convincing at all. Paris immediately knew that he was nervous. She could have kicked herself for being so stupid as the start the conversation that way. This wasn’t how she’d wanted things to go at all.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized again. “It’s nothing bad, I promise. Actually, no, it is something bad, but it’s not… it’s not like I’m angry or anything. Just upset.”
She was doing a very poor job of reassuring him and she knew it.
She’d gone back and forth about whether or not she wanted to talk to him about this. Finally she’d decided it was too big of a thing to let go. She couldn’t stop thinking about it, at least, and that was usually a sure fire way to tell if something was conversation-worthy.
Still picking at the hem of her nightshirt, Paris said, “A few weeks ago I was out patrolling when I met a knight,” she explained. She eyed Chris carefully in order to judge his reactions when she said, “His name was Celsus…”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:03 pm
When Paris reassured him that it wasn’t anything bad and that she was just upset, he thought it was best if he tried to act as though he wasn’t expecting things to come down on him. She would have said that if she was upset with him, right? But she wasn’t angry, so that was good…
Chris watched her as she continued to pick at her hem, and he casually brought another handful of popcorn to his mouth, only to end up nearly choking on it when the name Celsus was mentioned.
He coughed and wheezed, tears brought to his eyes from inhaling the kernels, although that was probably enough to admit his guilt. But just because she’d met him didn’t mean that he would have told her anything, right?? Surely he would have kept their conversation secret because it was only going to cause him trouble if Paris knew, right??
“I… invited him to dinner. His brother too,” he quickly admitted, hoping that Paris would latch onto that and, if anything, complain that he didn’t get more details about the types of food Fritz and his brother liked.
Suddenly, he felt as though the cabin was much too small and he wished he’d managed to escape before this conversation started.
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:04 pm
Under far different circumstances, Paris might have fallen for the trick. But, circumstances being what they were, she failed to be distracted by it. She had a feeling that had been Chris’s intention anyway, which meant he likely knew what she wanted to talk about and was trying to avoid the conversation altogether.
She was, however, mildly concerned when he choked on the popcorn. Paris stepped over to the couch and sat down beside him, reaching a hand out for his back when he wheezed.
“I’m sorry,” she said again. This wasn’t how she’d meant to start the conversation at all. She didn’t want to be confrontational or put Chris on his guard. She just wanted to hear the truth from him. Now she thought it might be difficult to get it out of him, if she was able to at all.
“He told me some things that really upset me,” Paris tried to bring the conversation back around. She slipped her hand away from Chris’s back when he seemed to have the coughing back under control. “And I wanted to hear it from you, what the two of you talked about.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:04 pm
Chris coughed a few more times, eyeing Paris cautiously as she moved to sit beside him and placed a hand on his back. Part of him knew there was no point in denying what he and Celsus had discussed, and silently he cursed Celsus's obvious desire to try and help, although Chris wished he hadn't cared as much. He was sure it was a noble gesture, which he should have guessed would come from someone like Celsus, he knew Paris was now upset with him.
He was going to let Celsus have it if he ended up on the couch that night because of him.
"We... just talked..." he said lamely, and although he didn't look Paris in the eye, he did reach for the remote to at least put the tv on silent. "I hadn't seen him in a while, so we were just catching up. Talked about New Years and all that..."
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:05 pm
Paris flinched when Chris mentioned New Years. Normally she was able to put it behind her. It’d been nine months since then and things were back to normal. But she disliked being reminded that Chris had been there too. She liked thinking about what he went through even less than she liked thinking about what she’d been through herself.
She cleared her throat and shifted on the couch. Her hand slipped away from Chris’s back to fiddle with the hem of her nightshirt again.
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about,” she told him. She didn’t sound angry, but it should be obvious by the strain in her voice that she was upset. “You talked to him about what happened with Laurelite. You told him you wanted him to… if you were ever corrupted… you wanted him to take care of it.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:05 pm
Chris was surprised he resisted letting out a groan, no matter how small. Of course Celsus would tell her. Why wouldn't he? He made a note to himself not to expect his friend to keep things like that secret.
"I can explain..." he tried to backtrack, although he was sure the damage was already done. While he's been hoping that she was oblivious on the subject, he didn't bother trying to redirect the conversation now that he knew.
"Look, I know you're going to try and save me if something does happen and I do end up corrupted. And I like to think that you will save me, if that does happen, but I don't know what I'd be like... I could be beyond saving. I don't want to end up hurting you in the process of you trying to save me..."
He let out a small sigh and shook his head, knowing it was useless and she would argue. Which was why he's hoped Celsus wouldn't blab. "I would rather die than be responsible for hurting you... or worse."
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:06 pm
“Don’t say things like that,” Paris snapped.
She didn’t mean to. She was more upset than she was angry, but it was easier to react on the anger. She’d been going over this in her head for weeks now and she was emotionally exhausted by it. She shouldn’t have brought it up now and risk ruining their time together, but she simply couldn’t hold it in any longer.
Of course, knowing now that Celsus had been telling the truth (not that she’d thought she was lying, but it was different hearing it straight from Chris’s mouth), the knowledge hurt worse than it did before.
“You’re not going to be corrupted,” she insisted, “and if you were, I’d save you. It doesn’t matter how you’d end up or what you’d be like, I’d still save you. You’re not going to hurt me, so stop saying that. I can’t believe you would make someone agree to something like that. You can barely raise a hand against a Negaverse officer, but you expect someone to kill you if you were one?”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:06 pm
It was Chris's turn to flinch, and he turned away from Paris, not wanting her to see how true her words were or how much they affected him. He knew he wasn't a fighter and it wasn't that he couldn't fight but that he didn't want to. She knew that, but it still hurt knowing he was setting himself up for his own downfall.
"Of course I don't expect him to kill me, but at least if it does come to that, someone will know it was my own choice and... I wouldn't want anyone feeling guilty..."
If the did have to kill him, at least they had his permission. Celsus he doubted would ever get that far, which was probably why he told Paris about everything.
"It's not important anyway..." he added softly, knowing there were bigger concerns than being corrupted at the moment. "I'm sorry, I'll tell him I take it back..." Anything to keep Paris happy a little longer.
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:06 pm
“It is important,” Paris insisted.
Her voice was becoming more strained. Her eyes grew wet with tears. Frustrated, Paris lifted a hand to brush them away. She didn’t want to start crying. She hadn’t meant to, but the thought of something happening to Chris, the thought of him being corrupted, the thought of him dying, no matter by whose hand, was more than she could bear.
“You can’t just go around saying things like that, asking people to kill you like there’s no other way out when you know there is one,” she said. “You’re just setting yourself up to fail, Chris. You don’t fight, you barely defend yourself, and now you can’t even use your magic. Which, yes, I know isn’t your fault, but the way you go about things… it just seems like you’re giving up without even trying.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:07 pm
”Of course I’m trying,” he said, but something in his tone wasn’t enough to convince even himself. “It’s not like I want to die.” Although sometimes it seemed as though it would be easier for everyone. Yes, Paris would be sad for a while, but she was strong and resilient and would move on. She had the babies on the way and she had the idea planted to have her own child next time. It sounded horrible, yeah… but life went on.
Chris frowned at the corner of the couch, still refusing to look at Paris. He managed to stay in one place at least, even though he wanted to get up and move around. He wasn’t mad at her, just at himself.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I’ll try harder,” he said trying not to sound as though he was just saying the things he figured would settle her. Just apologize, agree with her, and promise to do better. He could repeat it over and over if that was what would make her feel better.
Why had he said those things to Celsus? Was he really that desperate? Was he just scared? Of course he was scared. He was still scared, but times like this reminded him how much he needed to be careful about dragging Paris into this as well. “I’m sorry,” he said again, his hands clutched tightly together as if willing everything to be better.
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:07 pm
“You can’t just say you’ll try harder and then not put in the effort,” Paris said. “You say that all the time, but you never do anything differently.”
She could tell he was trying to mollify her and it only made her feel even worse. Was he taking this seriously? Did he not understand how much this hurt her? Did he not realize how upsetting it was for her to hear these things? Having him say things just to make her feel better… it didn’t solve anything. It only settled things for a while, but it was bound to come up again at some point.
“How many times have we had this conversation?” she asked. “You don’t fight, you barely make an effort to defend yourself, and now you’re going around asking people to kill you if you’re ever corrupted. Like you’re planning on it happening. Don’t you understand how awful that sounds?”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:08 pm
”What do you want me to do?” he asked, shaking his head at her. He knew she was upset and as much as it upset him to know that she was hurting, there just wasn’t anything he could think to do differently. He was trying. He really was… or so he told himself. There wasn’t much else he could do except fot try to find an answer that might not even exist.
“I’m not… I’m not planning for it to happen,” he said through gritted teeth, his chest aching whether because he was thinking about it too much, or because the damage was getting worse, he didn’t know. He didn’t want to know.
Finally he stood from the couch, unable to sit in one place for much longer. He felt restless and needed to pace or at least just stand.
“It’s easy for you to fight when your magic does all the work for you. Kyrie fought for me, but a lot of good that did! I have plenty of scars from when I managed to get out of fights alive. I’m still here, aren’t I? Do I need to go over every time I could have died but fought so I wouldn’t??”
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:08 pm
“I’m not doing this to make you angry,” Paris said.
She tried to stay calm, knowing it wouldn’t benefit either of them if she were to get worked up, too. She flinched when he stood, not because she was afraid he would do anything, but because it hurt to know that he was hurting, too. What was worse, she didn’t know what to do to help him.
“I know it’s been hard for you since that night with Laurelite, but sometimes… it just feels like… like you wouldn’t try as hard if it happened again,” she said. Paris sniffed wetly and rubbed more tears from her eyes. “I’m just worried about you and I don’t know what to do about it. You’re different than you were, and not just because you don’t remember. I just… wish you would get the right kind of help instead of asking people to kill you.”
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