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The words kept coming, and he couldn’t stop them, couldn’t stop because he’d never said them out loud, because everything that he had built up over the years was now coursing through his head like a violent wave, and he felt like he was being swept away in the tide.

“You said you know,” said Celsus, and his voice, normally so calm and so confident, trembled now, whether from suppressed anger or another emotion entirely wasn’t clear. “You said you know, that he told you about the accident, but he wouldn’t have told you about trying to ******** kill himself because he didn’t even tell me, because I had to come in one day to his bloody room and find that - half empty bottle of pills - “ The word was spat out, choked on, like he couldn’t quite say it. “ - he was so bloody desperate to be out of this world, to get rid of that guilt that ate away at him, and I had to watch as he fell apart. He wouldn’t talk to me, he wouldn’t - talk to me, and we’ve been together since we were born, we’re ******** twins and I had to sit there - I had to sit there and watch as he drowned and there was nothing I could do about it.”

His voice splintered, cracked at the ends - and though he didn’t seem to notice it, the corners of Celsus’ eyes were damp, his eyes too bright, glimmering in the moonlight, his freckled cheeks starkly red beneath the sky, against his uniform.

“I couldn’t do a <******** thing for him,” Celsus choked out, in a voice so tense it was surprising it didn’t shatter right then and there. “And then - and then he finds you, and you sweep him off his feet, you make him these - these promises, and he believes you, and I can see it - you think I can’t ******** see it in his eyes, I know him, I know him better than anyone, I can tell just how much he - I can see, and how the ******** do you think that makes me feel?”

He was yelling by now, his voice hoarse, and he felt as though he was going to come apart at the seams, his own heart unraveling piece by piece.

“How do you think it makes me feel,” Celsus screamed, heedless of their location, ignoring everything but the man in front of him. “to know that you could do what I couldn’t? I’m his ******** brother, his twin, and I couldn’t do a ******** thing while he was drowning, and you somehow manage to pull him out of that, you’ve made him - you’ve done things for him, you changed him, you made him better and I don’t - I couldn’t do a <******** thing.”

And without anything more left to give, he sank down, his strength leaving him, Celsus gasping for breath, his hands pressed flat against the grass, trying to reign it all back in, trying simply to breathe.

Eurydike said nothing. What could he say? - what could he do but stand there and take it, but let Celsus unload all the anguish and fury that had been building up inside of him for so long? The tension that first day. The way he’d thrown such a deliberate remark about being a twin and how that meant so much more than anything else. It made more sense now, and it was one more thing - even if he didn’t like Celsus, Fritz - it was one more thing to be guilty about.

Not helping Tolliver, no; if he’d been able to help him, get him on the path to healing, doing even a little of what Tolliver was doing for him, he’d - but he felt guilty, not for the first time, for this. This rift he’d caused between them. And now, for taking all of Fritz’s time and effort and negating it, just like that - making Fritz feel -

He didn’t like Fritz. No. But he didn’t want to make anyone feel useless. He knew what that was like, and Hitch wouldn’t have ******** wished it on anyone.

Eurydike stood there for a moment longer, looking down at Celsus now, digesting what he’d heard and seen… and finally, he dropped down into a squat, eye-level now with Tolliver’s brother. He still didn’t quite look at him, though. “I’m sorry.” He’d never been much good at talking. Somehow, Tolliver was able to put the pieces together and know what he was saying. But that didn’t mean everyone else could. “Look, I - I never wanted to - take him away from you or anything, “ and it wasn’t a whole lie; he’d been jealous, stupidly, of Fritz in the beginning, but that was more because he thought Fritz had the power to will Tolliver away from him. He’d been proven dead wrong and then some about that. “I didn’t know, but - “

He took a deep breath. “I’ve never - done anythin’, but - where Tolli’s been, I - we’re - a lot alike, me an’ him, “ and he didn’t really want to dig any further than that, prayed that he wouldn’t be asked to. “But I - I know how it feels so be - to not be able to help someone you love, either, “ and it wasn’t the same, again, not at all the same. But some of the feelings, between Fritz trying to reach Tolliver and pull him out of his depression, and Hitch trying to get his mother through the long days of tests and treatments, maybe some of those feelings were the same. Even just a trace, a hint, the way he’d felt those times when Tolliver had been all but gone from him and he’d had to fight and claw to get him back to the present.

“An’ I just know, I - I’m really happy if I helped, I - but I know he’d be a hell of a lot happier if he could have both of us. - he misses you, y’know.”

The feelings of inadequacy had, over the past several years, taken root in Celsus’ heart, winding their way around it to take ahold of it, bury it deep within his chest so that there was nothing else he knew except for that. He’d let down everyone, had lost everything - the Zodiacs were a splintered mess, the knights of Chronos were lost to time, save for a few, his princess was gone, Virgo - his mentor, his friend, his captain - was gone, and Tolliver was gone too, lost from his grasp. And Celsus knew, somewhere, that he’d been holding on too tightly, but Tolliver was all he’d had, all he’d been able to keep as the years had passed and everything else had fallen away.

And all of it - all of it - was by his own doing.

His arms were shaking; Celsus realized this belatedly, and he curled his fingers beneath his palms, feeling the cool grass against his skin. A soft rustling noise indicated that Eurydike had crouched down in front of him, but Celsus did not raise his head, did not look at him, his hair falling forward so that most of his freckled face was covered by thick locks of red.

The apology made him wince, violently. Celsus felt it shudder through him, and his fingers tightened on the grass, and he felt so very, very small, so very vulnerable right here. He was one of the last remaining knights of Chronos, a Transcendent through and through, a man proud of his role that the universe had given him - and here he was, on his knees, lost within his own desperate feelings of need and pain.

A laugh escaped him, lacking humor and weighing in bitterness.

“No,” said Celsus, his voice a little hoarse. “No, he doesn’t. He has you now, he doesn’t need me, or want me.”

And it was not said with anger, but a sort of flat acceptance, as though this was the most basic of basic facts. Celsus slowly eased himself up so that he was sitting back on his legs, his head turned to the side, his face wet, though he was not paying attention to this, or his trembling fingers.

“You could do what I couldn’t,” he said quietly, gazing skyward. “I lost him a long time ago, you only picked up the pieces of what I left behind and were able to put them together again, in a better way than before.”

He had to get out of here, he couldn’t stay here, he was suffocating beneath the weight of all of his inadequacies. Celsus dragged himself vertical, swaying unsteadily on his feet, trying to ignore the act that his cheeks were flushed and his eyes were rimmed red.

Eurydike frowned deeply; maybe it was because he resembled Tolliver so much, especially when he cried, that made it hard to watch. Made him badly want to stop it. Or maybe it was just because in his own way, whether he liked the person or not, he just - he just hated seeing people suffer.

Maybe the real reason was because Tolliver wouldn’t have wanted him to suffer - and by extension, Hitch didn’t want it either.

Whatever the case, he rose with Celsus, and by instinct, reached out to grab his wrist. “Wait, “ he said in his gruff, quiet way, “You’re - you’re wrong. You’re really, really wrong. I didn’t, I - “ His face had burned at the remark that he’d somehow made Tolliver better, because no. No, he wanted to help, but really, it’d been the other way around. “Just because - he was in a bad place - it doesn’t mean he didn’t love you, or he didn’t want you around, he - “ He sighed, his shoulders sagging. “Tolli talks about you practically every day. It doesn’t even have to be in a big way, just - it’ll be about your cat, or your art, or the tea you drink, or - you haven’t, Fritz, “ and he slipped, “You haven’t lost him at all. I just - all I wanna do is love him, too. That’s all I ever ********’ wanted. To love him and have him be okay an’ - an’ protect him, an’ - ”

He bit his piercing, hard. “I couldn’t even do any of that if you hadn’t saved my a** from Cinnabar that night. I’d be dead right now if it wasn’t for you, y’know. - I never actually said thanks, I mean, for that.”

He let Eurydike take ahold of his wrist, Celsus not making any effort to pull away. but he didn’t turn to look at him either, instead just standing there, silently, his shoulders partly hunched over. Everything felt dead inside, broken into a thousand icy pieces that lay at the bottom of his stomach, slowly ebbing through his chest until nothing was left but the cold.

He drew in a ragged breath, and a shiver went up and down Celsus’ spine. “No - “ he started to say, but the thought wasn’t finished as he closed his eyes, swallowing hard. Tolliver talking about him at all was almost unbelievable - but it shouldn’t have been, because Tolliver’s heart was one of the biggest and the warmest and the most caring that Celsus had ever known. He was not the same; he did not have that same depth to his own heart, Celsus watching his brother from a distance, wishing and wondering if it would ever be possible to have something similar.

And he had no doubt at all that Tolliver liked - loved Logan Hitchcock. Celsus had known it already, from the moment they had sat down together, all three of them that first time. He had seen the look in his brother’s eyes, had caught the adoring look on his face, the tender affection, and back then they had just begun to be together; they hadn’t been in the same situation as they were now, and yet Celsus had still known, just as he knew, deep down, that Eurydike was not simply stringing Tolliver along.

But he also knew that really was only a matter of time until his role as protector and guide and friend was to come to an end.

Another laugh escaped him, quiet, still edged with bitterness.

“You’re welcome,” said Celsus, and he lifted his head, easing out a sigh.

“You’re free to do as you wish,” he said, and carefully, easily extracted his wrist from Eurydike’s grasp. “I have no desire to intervene anymore. Tell Tolliver…”

HIs breath caught in his throat, a half strangled sob bitten back as he steadied himself.

“Tell Tolliver I hope he’s happy now,” said Celsus softly, and it was not sarcasm, nor bitterness that laced the words, but a quiet ache, a longing for something that no longer existed. “I’ll leave you two alone, just...don’t get him into any trouble, please, I beg you.”

Eurydike frowned. He frowned deeply, and hard, and the pronounced lines of many frowns before were etched into his face. He leaned forward, and abruptly, maybe without warning, he reached out and up and smacked Celsus lightly in the forehead with his palm. “Why’re you sayin’ that like you ain’t gonna talk to him again? - why don’t you just ********’ call him and say it yourself?” And even if he was chiding him, gruffly, he wasn’t really being harsh about it. “I know you’re not dense. I just said he still wants you around. - were you actually listenin’ at all just now Lite-Brite?”

Why did he have to sound so dramatically final about it? Seriously. “I get how you feel, but don’t. Just don’t. Tolli’s still alive, y’know. - don’t ********’ waste your time pussyfootin’ around him.” All the things he wished he’d said to his mother. All the things he wished he could take back. “If I’m free to do what I wish, what I ********’ wish is that you two would ********’ talk already.” He didn’t have a brother, of course. Not that he knew of, anyway. But if he did… he thought of his mother’s family, rejecting her for him without ever getting to know him.

The second person he loved to lose a family bond because they chose to keep him? - no. Not if he could help it.

He crossed his arms and sighed, dipping his head. “Frankly, he’s the only reason I even bother comin’ out here. - for all the damn good it’s done.” Eurydike hadn’t exactly been the most effective senshi on the planet.

He’d had every intention of just walking away and leaving things as they were - but Eurydike’s hand came out of nowhere and smacked him in the forehead, and Celsus staggered sideways, in spite of the light tap, a look of surprise registering on his face. He’d dealt with all sorts of punches and kicks before, but this was entirely different, and it took him a moment to comprehend the action.

“Because I had no plans to talk to him,” Celsus said, feeling oddly defensive about the matter, a hand lifting to rub at his forehead where Eurydike’s hand had been. “Why are you making this so difficult for me? I’m telling you that I’m letting the two of you live your lives without my interference - I’m telling you that I’m not going to bother the two of you anymore, and you have a problem with that? I thought that was what you wanted.”

His face was burning with shame, Celsus looking away from Eurydike now, his head dipped to his chest. He took a shuddering breath, eyes closed briefly to try and keep his own emotions, usually so calm, in check, reigned in, his throat tightening with each drag of air into his lungs.

“What am I…” Celsus said, and then stopped, shaking his head, his hands back to trembling, one of the few traits he shared unknowingly with his brother. “I have no idea what the hell I’m even supposed to say to him, you’ve been a better person to him this entire time - “ and he hated admitting it, hated saying it aloud, but it was there anyway, out in the open, and he couldn’t take it back now. “ - all I’ve ever wanted is for him to be safe and protected, and I couldn’t even do that.”

Instead, he’d clung on too hard, held on too fast, and look where it had gotten him.

Eurydike had arched a brow at him, cocking a hip and toying with his piercing. He was about to say something when Celsus apparently ******** realized he was being a giant stupid glowing idiot, so thank goodness for small favors.

“I’d never say I’m a better person than you.” There was a subtle edge of self-deprecation there that was just second-nature to him by that point; he didn’t even notice it was there. “You could, I don’t know. Be normal an’ start by sayin’ hi?” He waved a hand in the air to emphasize his point. “Then maybe tell him you love him even if he’s with some weirdo little troll an’ you’ll deal with it? - maybe you’re glad he’d happy? - y’know. Like. Normal stuff.” He snorted and rolled his eyes, because really, “You’re ******** twins Lite-Brite, an’ you ********’ know him. Open up the line to talk an’ he’ll do it. He might be a little sore for awhile but we both know he’ll probably just cry about it.”

A small, fond smile flashed across his features at that. The kind of smile reserved for someone very much loved.

“Jesus ********’ christ though, man - do I gotta hug you or somethin’?” he droned, extending both arms and taking a menacing step towards him. “Cause I’ll ********’ do it. You look like you need one. Do you really want a hug from your brother’s scary gay boyfriend?”

The self deprecation was not missed, if only because Celsus knew it well, even if he didn’t show it. All of his inadequacies that he buried deep may have been hidden, but they were still there, and they still ate away at him like a virus, steadily and slowly eating him up from the inside out.

Lite Brite was not a nickname he appreciated, Celsus’ eyes darkening somewhat, but he looked away, his face flushed with a mixture of shame and embarrassment, because he was getting a lecture on this from Eurydike of all people. Eurydike, who didn’t even care for most of the time, but whom he had to interact with because of their mutual acquaintance. A flinch fluttered across his expression, Celsus tamping down on the annoyance.

He did, however, look back in time to catch that little smile, and if he had ever doubted how much Tolliver was loved by this man, he did not doubt it now. That was not a smile that could be faked, not a smile that could be duplicated simply on a whim, and Celsus felt that ache in his chest return, a longing for something that he did not and could not have.

“That - no.”

A hand shot out, Celsus immediately attempting to block Eurydike from coming any closer, a look of exasperation on his face.

“Please don’t hug me,” he said flatly, but his lips twitched ever so slightly as though he had almost smiled. Almost, Celsus’ hand lowering after a second, though his stance remained guarded, as though he half expected Eurydike to leap at him and embrace him anyway.

There was silence for a moment, and then -

“He...he really misses me?” Celsus asked quietly, surprisingly vulnerable, his expression shifting. “Even after - how I treated him?”

A pause, and then -

“...both of you?”

“Are you sure?” Eurydike took another step or two closer, wiggling his fingers in the air - three of one hand because two were still in a ******** cast of course. “‘Cause lemme tell you, I’m a pretty ********’ awesome hugger.” Maybe he was right to be defensive - the urge was totally there just to go ahead and do it anyway, make the guy squirm a little.

But he tucked that one under his cape for later, flashing Celsus a soft, maybe surprisingly understanding smile. “Course he does. I might be his boyfriend, but, “ he fidgeted a little, toying with his piercing again. “Nothin’ replaces family, y’know? - especially you. If you could just hear the way he goes on about you… s**t like that, like - bein’ rejected for - who you love or whatever - ”

He shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “Yeah, it hurts. But it doesn’t make you stop lovin’ the person, y’know? It doesn’t mean you don’t ********’ ache for them when they’re gone. - an’ you could make him happy, like, crazy happy if you just ********’ said that didn’t matter an’ you still loved him anyway. Trust me. Tolli misses you. If you ********’ called him tonight, I guarantee you, he’d never be ********’ happier.”

Eurydike frowned suddenly, crossing his arms again. “It’s not like everyone just goes through life with one person makin’ ‘em happy y’know.”

“Yes, I’m quite sure, thank you,” said Celsus, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. The cast was given a mildly exasperated look, but he wasn’t about to get into this with Eurydike because no.

The smile that was given to him was not one of the smirks he was used to. Celsus’ shoulders relaxed, just a little, some of the tension easing out of them, his hands absently brushing against the glittering gold coins of his uniform, making them jangle pleasantly (clearly his specialties did not lie in stealth). The word boyfriend made him wince, just the smallest amount, but not because he found it disgusting; rather, it was just something he wasn’t used to, and thinking of it in relation to his own brother was still somewhat difficult.

But knowing that Tolliver still talked about him - still cared about him, still loved him was more than Celsus could have hoped for. His pride had not allowed for him to realize anything of note until now, stubbornly resisting any and all attempts to prove himself wrong, but he’d lost - he’d almost lost Tolliver over his own pride.

His mouth opened and then shut again, Celsus working through this last phrase inside of his head. It was true, wasn’t it, though? Happiness was not meant to be built upon the actions of one singular person; one could not simply rely on a singular thing their entire lives, codependency was a confusing, messy thing. People needed other people, the way that Celsus needed to be surrounded by people, even if he was close to none of them.

“Look,” he said, almost awkwardly, almost defensively, but not quite, just bordering it. “Look, just so you know...I’m not...I’m not a homophobe.” And he said this as firmly as he could, Celsus lifting his gaze defiantly to meet Eurydike’s. “I’m not against anything, it’s just…”

He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not used to this, all right? I’m not used to my twin brother having a - boyfriend. It’s not that easy to get past the mindset I’ve been so used to, so just...just give me time.”

A pause. He forced the word out.

“Please.”

Eurydike listened with a faint, unreadable smile.

“I know you’re not a homophobe. - I just said it to piss you off.” He knew what homophobia looked like, and Fritz had never been it.

He glanced down, and let it hang without being said: I know you don’t like me, and who the ******** would? Tolliver didn’t count. “Take all the time you need, man. You’ve got that right. Just - I don’t care if you’re cool with me or ********’ whatever. I just know he needs you. An’ he’s gettin’ by, yeah, but - if you weren’t that, that’s the kinda hole time doesn’t fill.”

Abruptly, he looked up, his eyes wide and a hand pressed to his cheek as he gestured wildly to the air behind Celsus. “HOLY s**t, what is that?!”