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Posted: Fri Sep 11, 2015 3:53 pm
Three months. For three months, what he'd done to Caledonia had weighed on him. He had all but shut down, doing the bare minimum of his Negaverse duties to avoid notice, taking solace in Des's arms (which was wrong for a thousand reasons, and made him worse for doing it) and actively avoiding anyone who had tried to help him - Kairatos, Aegir.
But most especially avoiding Hvergelmir.
She had been so good to him. She had been a friend, a confidante, a gentle hand that reached even when he was at his worst and offered him salvation. He hadn't deserved it when she had first offered, and he deserved it even less now, that he had dragged one of her own order into the Negaverse.
He hadn't done anything special or spectacular, really, but somehow one of the cats - or, well, someone else he supposed, but the cat had delivered the news and the promotion - had decided that he was ready to be promoted as a late congratulations for bringing Caledonia down. The black bat wings of an Eternal felt heavy on his hips, like a further mark of how lost he was.
And that was why he had finally made his way to her park, because at least she deserved to know he was alive, to have some kind of goodbye in case she worried about him.
When he got there, he stopped a few feet away from the bench, swallowing.
"Hey, Hver." It came out wan and weak, but it was a greeting, at least.
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 2:52 pm
It was always bittersweet, when someone came to her bench promoted. A part of Hvergelmir wanted to be happy for them -- that they were still surviving, day by day, and still felt comfortable coming to see her even as they became further entrenched in the Negaverse -- and she was. Any time someone she knew was gone away from her for a while, she feared the worst. Death. Torture. Youma transformation. Any time they came back, she felt relieved. A part of her, though, always grieved the promotions. Each step higher in rank with the Negaverse was a step deeper in, too -- a further seating of Chaos within the heart. More responsibility, more burdens. More chance that one of them would stay with the Negaverse, despite everything, just to care for the underlings they'd been assigned. More chance they'd given up, or had bought into the party line. More chance that someday, one of them would come to her bench sand say they didn't want to talk anymore. Someday that might be Labyrinthite. If not, then probably someone else. Everyone's luck ran out eventually. Not today, she hoped. Always just not today."Kerberos," she offered warmly, to show he was still welcome at her side, as ever. "I've been worried. Come, sit with me, tell me what's kept you. It's been too long."
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 4:42 pm
Her warm greeting made him flinch, and he thought, guiltily, that she wouldn't be quite so happy to see him if she knew why he'd come. He thought equally guiltily of Hitch, because he'd said he'd try, and he'd meant to keep that promise, and part of him did still want to...
But he still couldn't really accept that it was his right to ask for it.
"I, um," he'd wanted to say he really shouldn't, but there wasn't a reason for that except that he felt terrible. "Yeah, okay." He walked the last few feet, and sat down, and as he sat, there was a soft, muffled jingling - not the normal sound of his jewelry, but something else.
And as soon as he sat down, the answer to the question of what had kept him came tumbling out. "I corrupted a Cosmos Page. Caledonia. I mean, not...myself, obviously, I didn't stick my hand in his chest, but I...he'd still be Order if it weren't for me." That didn't adequately sum it up, not really. "I'm not talking in abstracts. I lured him, I drained him so he couldn't run, I called Laurelite."
Surely she would throw him out, now, tell him to leave, finally see him for the monster he didn't need to Ascend to be.
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:35 pm
Kerberos never sat like he was a man who was relaxing. She'd never seen him relax. He sat like a man who could barely keep going, who'd lost the will to stand. He always looked so lost. Is this why you were promoted? she wondered. For capturing a knight? Is that what's put lead weight in your gaze?"You don't seem like you wanted to," Hvergelmir observed gently. "Why don't you tell me the whole story? Sometimes it helps, to tell someone." Hvergelmir didn't think she particularly needed to hear the full story of what had happened -- though of course, the details were always useful, in her line of work. In general, she could probably work out most of the whys and wherefores, in an overarching sence. Rather, she'd said it because she thought it might do him some good to hear. She thought that hearing someone else acknowledge that he wasn't a person with cruel intentions might give him permission to start believing it about himself. Whatever had happened, it was obvious he'd taken no glee in it. This, though, was how she was beginning to see that the Negaverse worked: you were forced to do terrible things until you began to believe that only a terrible person could do such terrible things, and terrible people didn't deserve second chances. This was how child soldiers were made. This was how people eventually came to accept their yokes. She didn't want to lose Kerberos that way, too. Not when he'd come so far. Not when he'd been trying so very, very hard.
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 10:18 pm
Kerberos was well and prepared for her to be horrified, to tell him to leave, because surely there was a point where even Hvergelmir's gentleness and charity ended, and corrupting a Knight of her order felt like it should really be that point.
But apparently he was wrong. He looked up, looked startled, like her asking questions surprised him. Because it sort of did; he continued to underestimate the depth of her gentleness and compassion. It was startling to think that maybe he was wrong, that she wasn't going to give up on him.
"I-it's sort of a long story," he said, but she had asked and he was going to answer. "You remember I told you I stopped drinking? It, um, wasn't by choice." He felt terrible saying that, too. "I, um, the Negaverse has like - branches, specializations, and when I hit Super I joined the Special Operations. We're supposed to be the shock force of the NegAverse. My magic is...good for that kind of thing, and I was so angry, I just wanted to lash out wherever I could." He stopped, shook his head, realized he was getting off track. "Anyway, there's this. General. Schörl. I...think you know her. She decided my drinking was embarrassing, and needed to be corrected. So she shut me up in this tiny room in Negaspace for two weeks and let me ride out withdrawal." He swallowed. "She wouldn't let me out until I gave her a concrete goal.
"I'd met Caledonia a couple times, and he was..." He ran a hand through his overlong mess of hair. "He was such a good person, he was so sweet and naive, and I told her I'd bring him in, alive for corruption or dead as a starseed offering. She gave me until June. It took me that long to...to work up the..." Courage, was the word he wanted to use, but it felt wrong. "To do it. And halfway through - after I'd already called the ******** General-Queen, naturally - he powered down and it was. Luka. My boyfriend. I tried to get him to run, because I figured whatever Laurelite or Schörl did to me for failure would be better than losing him. But he wouldn't. He stayed, and Laurelite just...shoved her hand in his chest and now he's Caledonite." And he didn't remember Alex, just Kerberos - Kerberos the monster who had dragged him down.
It was hard to explain how thoroughly it weighed on him. He reached into his sash, pulling out three little bells on a delicate chain - one silver, one gold, and one a mix of both. "These were his. They fell off partway through - I think that's why the color is partway changed and not all the way." His guilt was obvious - in every line of his body, in his voice, in the way he stared down at the last memento he had of the Knight he had broken, who had also been the man he loved.
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Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 9:46 am
The saddest part was how unsurprising a story it was. The saddest part was how neatly it had all worked out for the Negaverse, how neatly these things always worked out. Kerberos had been a pawn from the beginning, and they'd continued to manipulate him every which way they wanted for years now. Hvergelmir was determined that they would not be the only ones. The war was fought on many fronts, and this -- within people's hearts -- was one of them. This was where she'd waged her fight, too. She had no intention of conceding it to them. Hvergelmir reached out a hand to curl it over her friend's, tucking his chilled fingers in around the bells he'd shown her. J'adoube, she thought to herself. I touch. I adjust. She offered a compassionate half-smile. "The thing about sacrifice," she began quietly, "is that we desperately want to do it for someone we love. But we find it unforgivable in ourselves when someone we love sacrifices themself for us. No one ever makes a sacrifice for someone hoping it will make that person hate themself." She lowered her eyes to where her hand held his. "Your Luka stayed to protect you, just like you tried to send him away to protect him. He wouldn't want you to go down a darker road because of that. He didn't want you to die. He wanted to give you a chance for something better."
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Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 1:49 pm
Kerberos tensed, at first, when he hand wrapped over his, the same way he had tensed and flinched away from Hitch's hugs the night before. It took him a long moment, but he did relax, taking a breath and trying to remind himself that it was okay to take comfort from her, and that maybe he did deserve it just a little.
She was right, and he knew it - if it had been the other way around, if he had suffered some horrible punishment for keeping Luka safe, Luka would have felt horrible. "I don't know if he knew what he was sacrificing," Kerberos said softly, "but I guess that's sort of the point." When he thought about it that way, it was a little easier to see. Luka might not have known what he was risking, but it hadn't mattered. He had refused to leave, because he hadn't wanted Alex hurt. He had refused before he even knew it was Alex.
"He was always too good for me." Kerberos said, and it was quiet and sad. "In a lot of ways."
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Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 4:44 pm
Hvergelmir shook her head. "That's not how the heart works. That's how the head works, but the heart -- it doesn't listen easily. Love is like a floodgate, sometimes. Once you care about someone, it's hard to stop." She lifted her other hand to settle it on his cheek, light but concerned. "It will always be your choice," she said carefully, "and I can understand if you think that you need to stay, but . . . there's always a door for you. An out. If you want it. The Negaverse . . . it'll only get worse. There's no future for you down that road. Please don't give up -- not when he wouldn't want you to."
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Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 7:50 pm
Kerberos swallowed, and nodded, and his fingers curled a little tighter around the bells. He still wasn't sure what Luka had seen in him - what had convinced the other man that he was the type of person worth loving and worth sacrificing for.
But whatever it was, it had meaning.
"I want out," he admitted, though it wasn't much of an admission. "I want out so badly it hurts. I just...how can I ask for that? Isn't purification draining? I can't..."
Because even if he wanted out, he couldn't make himself believe he deserved out. That there was a Royal that would really do that, for him, for someone who had once enjoyed the terrible things he did in the name of Chaos.
It didn't feel right to even begin to ask.
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Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 9:16 pm
Hvergelmir frowned visibly, sliding her hands up to clasp them around Kerberos's beautifully tattooed forearms. "You don't think you're worth it," she said. In her mind, she saw not Kerberos's face, but another one laid over it -- petite and rounded, green hair and confused eyes. This was what had lost them Persephone -- this horrible, heartbreaking belief that they weren't good enough for the chance they were being offered or the power they'd been born to wield. Not again. Not Kerberos, not my friend. This one, I'm going to save. Please."That part, we can work on," she promised, her smile faint but fond. "I can call for Cosmos to do the job right now, if you like. If she's free, she'll come."
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Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 9:51 pm
"I'm not," Kerberos said, and it came out like it was the most obvious thing in the world. So many people thought he was, but it was so hard for him to accept it. "I don't think I am, at least." But so many other people did. Kairatos, Eurydike, Aegir.
Hvergelmir herself.
Maybe for once he shouldn't listen to his self-doubt.
"Cosmos?" He only knew of her as a story, as the thing the Negaverse sought, as some powerful being whose capabilities were immense. "I mean, I can't -- she's Cosmos." It probably didn't have to be said that Kerberos couldn't imagine that she would show up for him. "I couldn't ask for that."
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Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2015 7:15 am
Hvergelmir shook her head adamantly. "Sailor Cosmos is a woman with magical powers," she said flatly. "No more and no less. A human -- not a god." Hvergelmir leaned in, lifting one hand to feather the hair away from Kerberos's face, tuck it behind his ear once more. In a light motion, she traced the pad of her thumb over one of the little fissures that cracked the skin of his forehead. "My darling boy," her voice came quietly, just barely bridging the space between them. "Redemption was made for sinners. You're afraid that you might somehow be stealing it, that it might be offered to you by mistake . . . but Kerberos -- sweetheart -- it exists because you need it. Because in very dark hours, it's the last thing left. The sharpest weapon. You've wandered farther into darkness than most people go -- I'm offering you a great weapon because it will take a great weapon to fight your way back out. Redemption is the last and strongest sword -- and it doesn't exist for anyone except the person who needs it." She looked carefully into his eyes. "Tell me what it is you're afraid of."
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Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2015 11:07 am
A woman with magical powers. That didn't seem to be how the Negaverse saw her - but fear was a powerful thing. How many in their ranks were afraid of this powerful woman who could purify their soldiers? Plenty, he suspected, and it was easy to build up that which you feared.
But she was still a Royal, still someone far above himself. He was an Eternal now, with everything that came with it - but he believed he deserved that title about as much as he believed he deserved the redemption Hvergelmir was offering.
He flinched, guiltily, when her thumb ran over the cracks in his forehead, as if it was his fault - because it was. He had willingly accepted this. If he hadn't chased the name "Persephone" in the vague hope of finding something - anything - about his sister, it might have been an Order cat that found him instead. He wouldn't have needed saving.
There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to argue, because he couldn't possibly be worthy of what was being offered, that as powerful as the weapon offered was, he was not the one who was meant to wield it.
What was he afraid of? Only everything.
"I'm afraid that I won't be good enough - that she won't do it, and even if Cosmos does agree to purify me, I'll just...I'll just fall again, or be dragged back." He swallowed. "I'm afraid that all the bad things in me - the pieces that became Ascendant General Kerberos - they're just. Me. That monster is already inside me and nothing can fix that. And I don't want to be that. Not even in the small ways. I..." He stopped. "It's. I mean. Everything, really."
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Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2015 1:05 pm
"Oh," Hvergelmir whispered faintly, studying Kerberos's face. "Is that all." She leaned in closer, till she could reach near enough that she very carefully kissed his forehead, lips lingering with delicate certainty over the cracked skin she'd traced with her thumb. She settled back again, but only far enough away to bring their eyes level again, a few breaths of space between them. "I hear," Hvergelmir confided, "that your odds of success go up when you file an application." She let both her hands trace the lines where his pale neck met his shoulders, afraid that if she didn't keep contact with him, he might clam up and retreat. Don't be afraid, Tam Lin. You're not alone. I won't leave you. Whatever shape you take, I'll hold on until your queen lets you go. My faith in you is that strong."You're so afraid that you'll fail, that you've decided to fail yourself before you try. What sense does that make, darling? Why wouldn't Cosmos agree to purify you?"
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Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2015 2:50 pm
Kerberos flinched, again, when her lips touched his forehead. He wanted to take what she was offering, to run into it with open arms - he wanted it so much it hurt. He wanted to be free of the Negaverse - and maybe he could talk Fangite into coming over, too, convince him that what he'd seen didn't have to be what happened. That he didn't have to be the lost, broken Knight he'd been before.
It was so easy to feel comfortable and safe when he had Hver's hands on his shoulders, and her encouragement in his ear.
"I know, I know I can't get anywhere if I don't try, but..." He shrank, just a little. "I haven't done anything to be worthy of it. I never even tried to get out, or resist, or anything. Don't you have to earn redemption? I haven't. I've killed so many people, hurt so many more - and now Caledonia..." There was so much red in his ledger, he could never even begin to balance it.
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