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The first day of college was daunting - even if Nadia had taken all the time to show him where to find his classes, even if he knew he had all his necessities (he’d checked twice), even if he knew this was nothing compared to going out as Mont Blonc at night - Lorne would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. The classes here were big, he already felt like he was drowning in the throngs of students, and he was still hurting a little from everything that had gone down on the train.

It would be okay though, he reminded himself, catching himself slouching and making the conscious attempt to straighten up. He could text Nadia between classes, assuming she wasn’t busy with practice, and he knew he was going to her place again tonight - ever since that night, he’d - he’d been spending more nights over there, on top of looking for a place for himself and his cousin. (Half consciously, he was watching for an affordable place to open up closer to his girlfriend’s loft - he didn’t want to crowd her or anything, but until he got a car, it would make life much easier for them, would it not?) Then there was Colin, there was Isaiah, there was - there were plenty of little things that would make this okay.

The transition wouldn’t be easy, but he was trying not to fall back into the old habits he’d had in high school. This would be better. This was a fresh start, and he was a better person now - wasn’t he? Yes, yes, of course he was. Everything would be fine.

It had been a long time.

Archer stepped into the building with his head lifted, shoulders a little tense; but the air in which he carried himself was one of confidence and disinterest in most of his surroundings, dark eyes flickering from left to right as he made his way down a flight of steps. The crowded hall, filled with throngs of students going this way and that, made him a little annoyed to have to deal with, but there was no getting around that. He’d put off going back to school for the past two years since graduating from high school, but in time he’d finally decided to return to education, even if it had taken him a while to determine this. He disliked the amount of people to deal with, but the classes were, at least, interesting.

He wasn’t wearing a backpack, like many of the other freshmen. Instead, a sleek leather bag was draped over one shoulder, Archer making sure to keep a hand firmly on it as he wove past giggling, laughing girls and yelling, excited boys, past the new kids who looked terrified simply to be here in the first place. And Archer may have been new himself, but he certainly was not going to act like it.

He’d gotten his supplies already, gotten his map of the campus, but the last thing he was going to do was walk around with it plastered to his ******** face like everyone else. Archer had already memorized the classroom numbers and buildings he was meant to be in, and he walked with a certain amount of briskness that indicated he knew exactly where he was going.

His shoulder brushed against someone else unintentionally; Archer gave a low hiss of irritation, only half twisting out of instinct to see who’d he’d bumped into -

-and then he stopped, his steps slowing to a halt, because he knew that face. Knew that dark head of hair swept to one side, knew the posture and the slim figure like the back of his hand; and although it had been at least a year since he’d last seen him, there was absolutely no doubt in Archer’s mind as to who this person was.

There was no surprise in his voice, tone level and even.

“Lorne.”

Sometimes, here and there, Lorne thought he saw flashes of people that resembled Archer. It wasn’t due to any lingering feelings, exactly, just… some things still made him think of his once-boyfriend. Certain hair cuts. Certain wardrobes. Certain gestures. Sometimes little reminders like that were okay, and sometimes they weren’t, sometimes they rattled him and he had to take a moment to remove himself from the situation. It wasn’t like Archer was ever actually there, just - there was no reason to get worked up over it, and he knew that. But the tightness in his chest still lingered, here and there. Less now than it’d been before, but he still got little flashes of it.

Like when someone bumped into him, someone with black hair and a hiss of annoyance that sounded startlingly familiar. “S-sorry, “ he mumbled out. Lorne almost did a double-take, but refused to let himself, keeping his gaze pointed down at the floor. He knew it wasn’t really Archer. Archer was back in France, it was never really him, and he was learning to just ignore it the best that he could.

Until he heard his name called, and stopped dead in his tracks because he knew that damned voice from anywhere and he certainly hadn’t imagined it. Someone else bumped him, going from the other way, but Lorne hardly felt it at all that time. Slowly, almost like he was afraid of what he’d see (and maybe he was a little), he turned to face -

“A-archer, “ he sputtered out, taking a step back out of surprise. His blood ran cold. Why on earth was he here now? - why was he here at all?? “Y-you’re - you can’t - y-y-you’re supposed to be in France!”

The reaction was to be expected, though Archer’s eyes still narrowed slightly as he watched his former boyfriend grow more and more flustered. He stood there, quite still, in spite of the fact that they were in the middle of the hallway and people kept jostling past them on their way to classes and the cafeteria for breakfast, one hand still resting on his bag, the other at his side.

“Je suis revenu,” said Archer, once Lorne had stopped spluttering. “I was there until a few weeks ago, but I decided that Destiny City suited me better. France certainly has its appeals, but…”

He gave a dismissive shrug. “Things did not quite work out the way I planned them to, so I’ve returned here instead. Did you expect me to stay there forever?”

It wasn’t said with anger or disgust, merely a vague sort of curiosity, Archer’s voice still as calm and collected as it ever was. His dark eyes flickered over Lorne with a sort of scrutinizing expression on his face, taking in everything from the hair, to the clothes, to the overall appearance, to the stunned look on his face. Details, filed away for later, sorted into the compartments in Archer’s mind in their proper places.

He hitched the bag on his shoulder up a little higher.

“How have you been?” Archer asked, and the question was a strangely simple, less direct one than he would have normally asked; but it had been some time, after all, and he was interested in Lorne’s reactions to everything.

Things didn’t work out the way he’d planned, just what had he planned? What had Archer expected to gain and hadn’t? - why did he have to come back now? Why did he have to be here of all places? All those questions burned in his mind, but his tongue failed him again, heavier than ever now in his once-lover’s presence. Lorne took another step back, feigning that it was the casual shift from one foot to another. There was really nothing casual about this for him. He was, internally, drawn as taunt and rigid as a wire, desperately longing for an out, or better yet for this not to be real at all.

Yes I expected you to stay forever.

Everything about Archer was the same as he remembered, from his tone to the way he looked at him, so analytically, so - Lorne bit his lower lip at the loaded question, because he knew there was nothing simple about it. Was he testing him? - possibly.

Well, fine then. He wanted to ask.

“I’ve been very thank, merci, “ he said, trying to look at Archer instead of at the floor - even though he really desperately didn’t want to be facing him. But maybe he could handle this, or maybe he was making something out of nothing. - no, would Archer even bother with something if it was nothing? “I have a girlfriend now.” He smiled at the mention of her, a very deliberate action. “She’s the loveliest lady I’ve ever met. Couldn’t be happier.” Somehow, it felt so gratifying to say that, although he felt a bit malicious for thinking like that. “And you, Archer? How have you been?”

And his voice didn’t even shake.

He could almost see the cogs working in Lorne’s head; and while it had been over a year since he’d last seen him, Archer still knew him well enough to know that he was displeased at seeing him again. It was rather baffling; so much time had passed, after all, and hadn’t he gotten over things by now? It didn’t make sense to cling to the past so much, though Archer had to admit that he did find it rather curious.

A single eyebrow rose, Archer tilting his head slightly, a little frown tugging at his lips. “A girlfriend?” he repeated, eyes following the line of that smile, trying to figure out if it was the truth or simply a method of attempting to get rid of him more quickly. It was deduced, however, with a bit of scrutinizing, that Lorne probably was being honest; he had never been particularly good at lying, after all, at least not in Archer’s mind.

“I’ve been well,” he said, fingers still against the bag, because Archer never fidgeted, never tapped his hand or foot, never played with his rings or bracelets or messed with his shirt while standing or sitting. Instead, he stood perfectly still and at apparent ease, watching the man in front of him carefully. “I’m currently staying at a nearby hotel while I look for more permanent lodgings near the university.”

Archer’s head tilted to the side, dark hair falling across his forehead.

“What’s your girlfriend’s name?"

Cling to the past. If he only knew how much of Lorne’s idea of intimacy he’d shaped for so long - but had Archer been a virgin? Lorne had. Only recently had he really realized how much Archer had affected him, and not in the good way he’d thought way back in the beginning, but had made him shrink into himself, had made him shy away from sex and anything related to it more than he already would have on his own.

So yes, of course their relationship had stayed with him. For worse, not for better.

The scrutinizing look made him bite his lip, but Lorne kept himself straight and tall, wanting to look proud and confident. It wasn’t a look that suited him, didn’t quite fit even now. “Yes, a girlfriend, “ he said again, rather cheerfully. He knew he was a bad liar - and in this case, no, there was nothing to lie about. Nadia was amazing and everyone should know it. Especially him.

(God, why on earth was he here?)

Lorne was the opposite of Archer in this sense, always - he was constantly fidgeting, toying with his sigil ring and biting at his lower lip. “There’s a website you can search - that lists some apartments - I’m also moving out of a place, so maybe you can talk to the guy that’s still there. It’s near campus.” Abruptly, he realized he sounded like he was trying to help him, and no, that wasn’t what he wanted - it’d just naturally flowed right out of him, and Lorne was already kicking himself for it. Too late for take-backs, though, and he hoped the advice would be taken as just that, casual advice.

Once, he’d liked the way Archer’s hair fell across his face. He used to brush it back for him. But that was literally a lifetime ago, now. Now, “Nadia, “ he ran his fingers through her hair, kissed her, embraced her, shared nights with her on patrol and in her bed. Nadia, a simple, beautiful name filled with utter adoration.

Archer had not been a virgin when he’d met Lorne, because it was not something that he found to be as “special” as everyone said it was. It was just sex, just intimacy. There was no need to make a big deal out of it when it was something intended to make one feel good, and Lorne’s initial aversions to it had been taken into account and then dismissed rather easily. Archer had made him feel good, hadn’t he? That was what mattered, in the end, and it hadn’t taken much to convince him to get into bed with him, anyway. Just a few select words here and there, and Lorne had acquiesced to his requests; Archer hadn’t forced anything, it was what Lorne had wanted, really.

There was a certain amount of cheerfulness about him when he spoke of his girlfriend, Lorne fidgeting in front of him. Archer gave a little nod, not entirely surprised at the offer to to help, because this was Lorne, and he was simply that sort of person, after all. And besides, in spite of it having been a while, it was just expected that he should fall into place beside him again. That was how it had been before, that was how it should be now.

“Thanks for the tip,” Archer said lightly. “I’ll keep that in mind. Perhaps I’ll be able to find a place near where you’re looking, or something.”

The reverent way in which Nadia was spoken sent a strange surge of annoyance through Archer. He found he disliked the name in and of itself, disliked the way that brightness in Lorne’s eyes when he thought of her. Clearly this was just a misunderstanding, after all. There was no need for him to sound that utterly whipped when speaking of the girl.

“Nadia,” Archer repeated, shaping the word himself. He gave a little shrug, half turning away from Lorne, intending to continue on to class. “Well, I suppose you should let her know that I’m back now, so you won’t need her much longer. I’ll give you a call when I get settled; your number is the same, isn’t it?”

Good. He’d gone along with it because Archer had deserved it, or so he thought at the time. He’d been so helpful and so confident and so interested in Lorne when no one else was. It felt like love, at the time. But the sex… it’d still ached. It’d still made him squirm uncomfortably. It’d still mortified him. He’d still never really enjoyed it, just let his body react when it could, but - it was all so different now. So incredibly different that he didn’t know how he’d ever even thought that was real. That that’s what sex was supposed to be.

Archer, he’d - in so many ways, he’d helped his anxiety. In so many other ways, he’d made it so much worse.

The ‘thank you’ was almost normal, almost enough to make him think for a moment that maybe this might be okay. But then, he frowned at the comment, ‘near where you’re looking’, and wondered for a moment if he hadn’t been clear enough. Probably not. “I’m not going to be living on campus or anything, “ he clarified. “I’m moving in with my cousin - you remember Kyle, yes?” Why was he even telling him all this? He didn’t owe him anything. “I’d like to be closer to his school - and to Nadia.” Just in case it wasn’t clear enough that she was his girlfriend and that was that.

Apparently not clear enough though. His jaw dropped, and he blushed, but more from sheer discomfort than proper embarrassment. Not the kind of blush that happened when Nadia kissed him, or when Colin took his hand, or - “I - I - no, I - I will need her, “ he sputtered out, taking another step back. “I love her Archer, I - my number is not the same.”

That time, yes, he was lying - and it was very obvious.

Something flickered within the depths of Archer’s brown eyes - irritation, perhaps? Or something else, something a lot less cordial than he’d been acting. But then it was gone a second later, and the calm expression on his face was as it had ever been. A slow nod was given, Archer lifting a hand to run it absently through his hair before it dropped again.

“I remember Kyle, yes,” he said. “The dark haired one, the clingy one.”

It was said without malice, just as though it was a simple fact. Archer caught the end of Lorne’s sentence - and to Nadia - but discarded it after a second, rather easily. It didn’t matter. She would not be in the picture much longer, after all, because he, Archer, was back, and that was the truth of things. He had every intention of stepping right back into the place he’d been before he’d left.

His eyebrows rose, the blush on Lorne’s face familiar in a way that reassured him. “You can’t love someone when you belong to someone else,” Archer pointed out, as though this was entirely the basis for everything - which it was. “I’ve returned, haven’t I? You don’t need anyone else other than me, that’s how this works.”

He knew Lorne was lying the second he said it, and Archer gave a little nod of approval.

“Glad to see that you haven’t changed much,” he said lightly. “But really, I should get to class. Want to meet up for lunch afterwards? We can catch up.”

he look of irritation, however short, didn’t go unnoticed - and Lorne frowned deeply at the mention of Kyle being ‘clingy’. (Hadn’t Kyle disliked Archer? - even when things had been good, he’d - )

After that, though. The rest of it left Lorne completely dumbstruck, taken aback by how - plainly Archer stated his intentions, what he thought his place in all of this was. (Once, more than a year ago, he’d found the same thing endearing - when Archer looked over at him and declared that Lorne belonged to him, that they’d belonged together. Lorne had never realized once that Archer had never once said he belonged to Lorne, though.) “Y-you - what?” he gasped out, nearly bumping into a wall he’d backed so far away at this point. “Archer, you - you broke up with me, remember?” It hadn’t been the other way around, although it probably should have been. He probably should have known sooner, but - “I was too much for you, remember? - didn’t you say that to me?”

He wanted to say more, to say Archer was so beyond wrong, that Lorne had so many other people now he loved, that loved him, that he needed. But he also didn’t want to give him that - he didn’t want to give him more information about his life than he had to.

The nod made him shudder, and he wondered for the first time if maybe he shouldn’t just go ahead and change his number. - hadn’t changed too much. No, no! He was wrong! Beyond wrong! So much had changed, so much had - “I’m busy today, “ he said a little lamely, looking down at the floor, trying to shake the oppressive feeling of being trapped. “Sorry."

The look on Lorne’s face was almost comically aghast, Archer watching him, not with amusement, but with a certain amount of surprise. He had to admit, he hadn’t expected such a reaction upon his return. He’d expected him to be startled, yes, but after he got over the initial shock, things were supposed to have just fallen right back into place. That was how it worked - they were supposed to just go right back to how they had been before he’d left.
“Too much at the time, perhaps,” said Archer, unconcerned. “But that was only because I was getting ready to leave, wasn’t I? And we were both in the middle of figure out where we were going, it wasn’t a breakup, really, just a temporary break. And now I’m back, so we can pick up where we left off, right?”

He said it all straightforwardly, leaving little room to doubt, at least in his own mind. Archer hiked his bag up a little more onto his shoulder and followed along to where Lorne had pressed himself against the wall, head tilted to the side, and he was completely ignoring all of the curious looks that passersby were giving them.

“Busy with what?” he said. “It’s been a year, Lorne. Shouldn’t you at least sit with me and talk for a bit? We can talk things over, you can tell me why you think we aren’t together when we still are.”

“I - I - I - “ They were getting plenty of curious looks, yes. But in spite of the increasing panic on his face as Archer closed the distance between them, no one stopped. He threw a few imploring looks, but they did him no good. His chest was growing tighter, and the sensation of being trapped grew stronger, more and more oppressive until the air he sucked in felt heavy in his lungs. “N-no- w-we can’t - I have a girlfriend now, Archer, “ he breathed out, trying to maintain his calm. Trying, and failing. Ever expressive, his cheeks were still stained red, bright with desperation and mortification. “I-I have a girlfriend, and I’m not - you ended it, and now we’re not - I love Nadia, Archer.“

It hadn’t worked the first time he’d said it; he didn’t know why he thought it’d be any different now. He tried to slide away, to maneuver to the side, to put some space between them. “M-maybe another time, “ and he knew it was a mistake to say that, he knew, but just to get his space back, just to be able to breathe again for now, “I- I’ve got class, I’d - I’d better get going - nice seeing you, “ and it slipped out of courtesy, not honesty, and Lorne instantly kicked himself for it.

The look on Lorne’s face was noted, filed away, but not taken into consideration of his actual feelings. Clearly, the other was just surprised at seeing him after so long, that was it. The flush to his cheeks, the stammers, the constant referrals to Nadia, the constant claiming of his love for her - it was all just a show, really, Archer knew.

He waved it aside, brushed it beneath the rug to forget.

“The more you say it, the less I actually believe you,” said Archer lightly. “You sound as though you’re trying to convince yourself of the truth, rather than me. You already know how I feel about this, Lorne.”

And a hand shot out smoothly, pressing against the wall to prevent Lorne from moving any further in that direction. “Look, I know we possibly ended on a bad note that one time before I left, but now I’m back, and things will be better this time. You belong with me, Lorne, that’s how it works. There’s no one else you need but me.”

It was all said very matter-of-factly, Archer leaning in. His lips brushed against Lorne’s temple and then he was stepping back, allowing him to move, should he wish to.

“Go to class,” he said, as though he were the one that dictated this decision at all. “I’ll call you this weekend, you can help me figure out a good place to live. Maybe you can even let me meet this Nadia girl. If you’d rather me be the one to tell her about us, then I wouldn’t mind doing so. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell her, it’ll be all right.”

And it was the same thing he always said, the same reassurances that he always made, too many times before.

“Everything’s all right, Lorne.”

“W-what?” Lorne sputtered, “N-no! Archer, I - “ He had to keep saying it! Archer wasn’t taking the damned hint, what else was he supposed to do?! He opened his mouth to say more, to insist and to correct and to try and make Archer understand finally because he just wasn’t listening why didn’t he just listen?? - when a hand invaded his personal space even more than he already was, and Lorne’s breath shuddered, his chest growing tighter still, his hands faintly shaking.

Stop saying that. Stop saying you’re the only one! You’re not!

The lips brushing against his temple made it all so much worse. He shut his eyes tight and pressed himself even further back against that wall, as if somehow he could make himself sink right into it - even if Archer had stepped back, it took Lorne a moment to realize this, and in a lot of ways the damage had already been done.

Nadia. No. God no. He didn’t want Archer meeting her. He didn’t even want Nadia to know about him in the first place. None of this was supposed to be happening, none of this was -

“Don’t call me, please.”

He choked out the words before breaking away, and honestly, class was the last thing even on his mind anymore. Lorne just desperately needed to be away.

Everything’s all right, Lorne, he’d said that the first night when he ignored Lorne’s protests and had sex with him anyway. He’d said it so many times to him, sometimes soothingly, mostly to make him do things and go places he didn’t really want to be. He’d thought when it was making him stronger, making him better, making him more likeable, making him someone more easy to love --

He ducked into the closest bathroom, locked himself into the nearest stall, and just sat there on the toilet, gasping for air with his face buried in his hands, shaking like a leaf. He fumbled for his phone once, stared at it, and then set it down again, pressing the heel of his hand into his eyes. Was he overreacting? Was he -- ? The look on his face as he kept insisting, kept easily saying Nadia could be replaced no matter what he said, no no no - Lorne fumbled for his phone again, and thought to call the one person who even knew Archer existed to begin with.

“C-Colin, p-p-please, c-call me back when you get it, please - I’m sorry, just - please, Colin, call me back, “ he breathed, stuttering and stumbling over his words, trying desperately to catch the breath he’d lost when Archer had appeared, to shake the tightness in his chest. It wasn’t working. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will himself to just calm down. “P-please, Colin, please.”