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 Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:46 pm
Melvin stared miserably at his phone at he laid in bed before letting his hand fall and setting his phone down. Groaning, he grabbed Jan's pillow and laid it over his face, pressing both hands against it and groaning again while also inhauling the sweet shampoos and expensive lotions the other wore.
It was calming, but he still felt like the worst person on the island - which considering the concentrated amount of s**t to person ration, was saying something.
"Jjjaaaannn." Melvin mumbled from behind the cushion.
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:14 pm
Lawr had been quite frankly overworking himself since the clone had died, spending long hours in and around the infirmary tents and on occasion even forgoing sleep until he woke up on a chair or somewhere quiet in that area with no recollection of passing out. This had also resulted in him more than once forgetting to eat, something he did not generally do at all and which given his extremely thin frame had resulted in dizzy spells and Butch worrying. He had eventually deduced that all of this had come from some subconscious desire to distract himself rather than return to the room and deal with the changes to his schedule and to address the absence felt by having one less person in his life but figuring this out had not motivated him to change it. In fact it had gotten to the point where on that particular day he was mandated a day off and told not to come on duty as things had calmed enough that this was fine and his performance was suffering from overworking himself. As such he was at home, carefully chopping some food in the kitchen when Melvin groaned. The other man had been acting unusual, and based on Horace's most recent text, he could absolute guess why. He had left it alone when he first heard that Horace had found out about their relationship, determined not to make everything worse by asking Melvin unwanted questions before it was acceptable to do so. He was already down to one person in his life and was not keen at all to reduce that number back to zero, it would be frankly inconvenient.
He looked up from his task as his name was called and - neatly setting aside the knife - moved to kneel by the bed.
"Are you all right?" he asked gently.
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:51 pm
Melvin had been recovering very slowly. Without a shield, without Saliva, his stab wound had been a very slow process of healing and he was left in bed. Without Jan, he spent a lot of the time sleeping or checking his phone. This usually resulted in many text messages to Jan if he was okay. Without the other here, he constantly replayed that day in his head and felt sudden spikes of paranoia that something was wrong and he had to know if Jan was okay. Between the time he would send Jan a text and he would get a message back, he would lay miserably in bed staring up at the cieling with just his thoughts and pacing heart until the phone buzzed back.
Without Saliva, it all felt too quiet. Without Jan, it made him constantly uneasy.
It was strange without America here, even if she was a clone, and after talking on twitter, he missed the fake.
He didn't know why Jan was gone so often and just guessed he wanted to do all he could to help in the face of such a large attack. There were people that needed his skills, but that didn't mean Melvin wouldn't be left sighing and touching Jan's side of the bed which remained cold. Sometimes he wondered if Jan was upset about Melvin not saving him from the cliffs. Sometimes he worried Jan would see that Melvin offered him nothing that could keep him alive. Sometimes he wondered if Rin would realize that too.
It was rare but welcomed to have Jan here, and while he should have enjoyed every second, Twitter was the only thing in reach while the other was in the kitchen. Horace and him had been talking and it was something he had tried to bring up countless times.
When jan came, he pulled away the blanket to set on his chest and set the phone between them. "Horace knows about us.......I finally told him." He sighed before looking up. "I'm such a piece of dirt."
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 4:07 pm
Lawrence's pale gaze flicked to the phone and back to Melvin.
"A piece of dirt?" He raised a brow. "So honesty was a negative response in this case?" People were so often going on and on about how honesty was important and he was terrible for not being honest. There really was no flat solution to anything and he wondered how anyone with a conscience quite frankly dealt with it all.
"I do not think you are dirt. I think you are possibly the cleanest individual I know." he said with a hopeful smile. He was not very good at jokes, he wasn't sure it even counted as one.
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 4:11 pm
He turned to look at him, slowly rolling over and being mindful of his stitches, and smiled at the sweet joke. "Nah, he hates my guts - and he deserves to. I said I was his friend, and I am with you now even when I was with him when he said he still wanted to be with you. That he was still confused, but still has feelings. I wasn't a good friend to him at all by not telling him, and even worse for not telling him sooner. Any other guy would say I went hoes before bros here. Uh - not that I'm saying you are!" He said, freezing a moment.
"Just a saying. Just - friends before exes. Usually hands off rule. I tried to explain but he thinks I was never his friend." He sighed again and rolled to half bury his face into the mattress. "I can't even get one person to be my friend who believes what I say. He said the worst things too. He didn't even believe about Rin at all."
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 4:51 pm
Melvin's words followed a very complex train of events and associated upsets and Lawr found himself patiently trying to follow it step by step. He could not make head nor tail of it, gathering only that Melvin possibly had been sleeping with Horace, that Horace still had feelings for him (of course he did) and that -
"I am not a "hoe"" he said patiently as if clarifying this for someone who genuinely might suspect it was the case. "Unless, I suppose I was channeling one, which I can say I never have."
He finally caught up on what the problem was the the other man went on. Apparently it was about some violation of the "bro code" which he had tried to understand some years ago but never really had. If he wanted to sleep with someone he often did and had no rules regulating this other than his own self interest. "But why should he think that? Why should he think that he had some divine right over me and my life?" he asked incredulous. And now there was the slightest edge of irritation in his voice.
"I wanted you Melvin, I cared for you, I still care for you. I do not feel you did anyone a disservice by being kind to me and making me happy and I will not have you feel bad about something which was so essentially good for me." he moved to lay on the bed itself, his chin propped up on his good hand. "And of course he didn't, he never really took either of us for what we were or really believed us. You see he asked a lot of questions but like a bad scientist, he felt he already knew the answers, he didn't need to listen. I would tell him things and he would do the opposite, I would ask him to trust me and he would rhyme off one occasion where he couldn't and use that to mistrust me for ever."
He sighed. "He means well I am sure with how he behaves, but if he wants to cut you out and miss out on you then that is his loss and my gain. I am always glad to have more of you for myself."
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 5:27 pm
He gawked at needing to state he wasn't a hoe. "I - I didn't say - it's a - " But Jan didn't dwell on it and his inwardly sighed with relief that he wouldn't start a fight over it. He never wanted to make Jan feel like he was easy to get, not that Melvin didn't feel blessed every day to have his attention.
As Jan moved, Melvin scooted only enough to let Jan be comfortable but only just, starving for his place beside him after the past few lonely nights alone. Even he could see the signs of wear and tear on Jan's usually pristine looks. It hurt him inside to see them and he was glad he was slowing down today to recover.
Scooting closer, he set his hand on Jan's waist and smiled, before leaning into him. "I know. I'm an idiot. I just.....I really wanted Horace to be happy. Before, I never would have gotten in the way with you and Horace. You two seemed happy and I wanted you to have a happy life without me taking so much of your time like I selfishly had been doing. Not when you gave me so much. So much hope when no one else would listen."
He took a moment to process things and could still feel the sting of people turning his back on him and Rin.
Looking up, he brushed Jan's cheek and then his hair which was growing longer now.
"But I was happy you were with me. But...I also wanted Horace to be happy since he was my friend. It just....got so confusing since he still wanted you. Still does. I was cheering him on before and now I was part of his problem. I can't be a good friend to him if I am a obstacle in ihs way. I just - hoped he would understand when I told him, but now he just thinks I was always there to jump on you."
He bowed his head, dropping his hand to look at him. "That you were just here with me because you do that with everyone."
Looking at Jan, who took so much of his time to look perfect and pick out each product exactly to his specifications, who was making food to his high standard, it seemed impossible he would be so lax to just ******** whatever came his way without any bar. He did everything with some deliberate choosing, and for Horace to say that insulted Jan's standards. The standards that Melvin loved and would smiled from across the room watching. How he plucked his hair, made sure each tooth was paid special attention when brushing, and the way he trimmed his nails before a manicure.
"Ya know, what the ********? How can he say that about you and say he loves you? What kind of person says those things?"
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 3:28 am
Lawr leaned into the touch like a cat, enjoying the contact and being the focus of it. "I only ever wanted you to be happy and I felt I was uniquely equipped to ensure that was the case, Rin asked me to help you for a reason I feel and I am glad that she did." He closed his eyes with an exhalation, as always only registering how tired he physically was when he stopped moving, the bed was comfortable, Melvin was comfortable, both were facts independent of emotion and therefore simple to navigate. "I choose where I place my attention." he said. "You received nothing more and nothing less than you deserved, and as Horace began to rebel, to seek friendship elsewhere and redefine his priorities, he received nothing more or less than what he deserved." To Lawrence it was simple fact, and if Horace had not wanted what had happened he would simply have given up more and tried harder to please him, he would not have taken it upon himself to see off America like some agitated suitor.
"Perhaps he is the one who cannot be a good friend if he cannot place your happiness with any value at all." he smiled gently. "I bear no ill will towards Taym for instance, yet he pulled America away from me. It made her happy so I ceased to care about that particular facet of her life. I moved on in some ways. Any issues I have with her presently are issues related to her alone. Horace does not seem able to do that, he thinks you were taking advantage of me." This did seem to genuinely amuse him.
"I am not as easily taken advantage of as some people might think, and you would not have been able to "jump on me" so to speak if I had not desired it." Melvin was innocent in his way, determined to think the best of him at all times, and in some ways it gave him something to aim for, a subtle inclination to fit that high bar that the other man set.
"I will be the first to admit." he said. "That I have had relations with quite some number of individuals, I am - as you know - a man who does not particularly mind sacrificing himself to the happiness of others. If they wanted it and it mattered to them, it did not detriment me to give it to them, after all I do not have the same emotional attachment to the act that others appear to. It was something I could give and any perceived negativity from doing so was all in the heads of other people. So perhaps it was that that Horace so harshly levelled against me and it does not mean that is the case any longer."
He moved to very carefully embrace Melvin, mindful of his injuries (after all he helped tend them). "He never really understood." he said flatly. "He would say in one breath he loved everything about who I was while in the other screaming at me about something else, like being fixated on America, a factor I tried to explain I could not help and did not want. He wanted me to change, to be someone he could love and who could love him back. I cannot change, not like that. I can certainly don /masks/, I am an excellent actor and an excellent channeller but the individual beneath, well that will always be me and if my partner either looks down on or resents that side of me well...."
Brightening again he smiled. "But you? Well you are different than that, you do not mind what I do or who I am, you remain consistent in your affection and in some ways give me something to aim for. You speak a familiar language. I think I can love you in the way you need to be loved." It wouldn't be with emotions, which he did not have any grasp of, but he could handle the day to day, the upkeep and maintenance of the other man, the mutual needs, logical sensible things which he could understand and check off, without the incomprehensible needy void of emotion which so often tripped him up.
The only thing about Melvin which unsettled him more than anything else was the fact that this life with its caring for the injured, domesticity, calm and stable affection was reawakening the oldest persona he had and the one he had hoped was gone for ever after Maja's betrayal, it was a persona useful for nothing other than pleasing others and striving hopelessly to be convincingly normal.
He felt like a Lawrence again, and that was frankly concerning.
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:05 am
He welcomed Jan to his side, holding him in turn and taking comfort in having him near. He felt starved for his attention and wanted the reassurance that their relationship was still okay after the incident in the lighthouse. There was also the strong desire to just prove he existed and was ok after everything that had happened, proving that this wasn't a dream and he was physically here and unharmed.
"I guess so, it's just to be a good friend, I wanted to tell Horace the truth. I can't honestly say I'm his friend if I continue to lie to him or keep something from him. I also didn't want to keep hiding something like this like I was ashamed of it. It made it feel – as if it was something terrible when it isn't. I just didn't want him to get in the way of his happiness as his friend, but didn't want to back down from ours. I just – never thought he'd put me in some sort of position to choose, but even if he had, I already went this far and he would never forgive any of that. He seemed very clear on that.
Slowly rubbing his back, he digested the relationship he and Horace had, and Jan had with other faceless people. "I hope you aren't sacrificing yourself now. You already did so much of that to help Rin and I, but dating you, being with you, I don't want you to feel you have to do that now. To put on a mask or have any expectations. If you don't want to do something or…just don't really get anything out of it, then don't. Please. I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of you all the time. I want you to be happy and comfortable too."
The conversation stirred sour feelings of the past for him. "I can…kind of relate. I had a girl in college who really seemed to like me. We got along well and were even engaged, but she started to change once we had plans for the future. She got upset about my….personality. She wanted me to change this and that, and started demanding things. Take off the gloves. Leave the hamper alone. The dishes would be fine for now. To ignore these things. She asked more in – other ways. Said if I took medicine and tried harder, it could get fixed. I really did try a lot. I – loved her a lot." But that hadn't worked.
"Rin accepted a lot of me, but she was a bit different. She nudged me to try but never to the point where I became just….a riled up mess." Sighing, he started to comb Jan's hair with his hands to help calm himself down. "It was nudging but….at least she knew who I was and still wanted to keep me around. I was surprised she even wanted to be with me at all.You know how wild she gets, so…well, she had other guys who could meet that drive. Guys like…Rep. I could never meet that bar. Still, no one else on the island ever wanted me as bad as she did. I didn't exactly want it either before. After a few days, people usually got demanding or put off by me."
Hand stopping, he smiled as he focused on Jan's pale face. "But you aren't, and I can't say how much that means to me. I don't feel all this….pressure and guilt. That I couldn't please you as much as some other guy could."
But there was still a tinge of something off about Jan that made him sad and he hoped he could get through to the other hunter. "Jan, don't think you always have to give to me to meet my expectations. Just be you. I don't want to love someone that you think I should love. I want you to be happy and yourself. I also want to be the guy who loves the person you are, the way you need to be loved too. OK?"
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:56 am
"Horace just wants to feel in control I suppose." he said. "Able to draw a line and say that you crossed it, if it makes him feel better you should let him have it."
"As far as "sacrificing" myself, I have not done it in some time." he said to Melvin. "I have not quite had the energy lately to go around helping other people. I have been content merely with helping you." The truth of it was that he had nothing to gain from sleeping with other hunters at present, his physical needs were met by Melvin and the potential monetary advantage he could accumulate with a bit of infidelity simply wasn't worth losing the stability and comfort he possessed at present over. The simplest and most direct way to stop Lawrence from doing something was for the loss to outweigh the gain.
"I do not feel that I am being taken advantage of by you." he said reassuringly. "I assure you that it is quite the contrary, I feel like I intrude upon your life daily and ask a great deal of you. It does not help that I am not quite able bodied and encumbered by the limitations of my hand." He had to request Melvin's aid fairly often in the infirmary and elsewhere, unable to even use Butch's talons for certain important things.
"But I do understand how it can be for people to think that the shape of a mind can be altered by medicine. Perhaps it can for some individuals, it is not the case for all. I spent a large swathe of my childhood heavily medicated in fact. They could not decide what was wrong with me, I was labelled with as many different disorders as we could find doctors willing to take over my care. None of it made any difference, of that much I am certain, whatever mood instability I experienced I did not truly feel anything and for the most part I found myself sick or feeling off. When it stopped, when they thought I had assumed normality I had simply made up my mind to do it on my own, to learn what they wanted me to do and say and meet those expectations." He smiled wryly. "I could likely take the hare psychopathy checklist test today and pass it as a normal, well adjusted and intensely empathetic individual." He sighed. "Which is simply not the case. I learned to lie, that was all that medicine taught me. Learn to lie or feel incredibly, incredibly nauseated and alienated every day of my life."
He made no comment about Rin, always careful when discussing the woman, she had been vivacious and intense in a way that he could not understand and which he struggled to emulate, but instead focused on what Melvin had to say regarding him. "You do please me." he said. "A great deal, I want for nothing." And then deeming that this was a lie and should be corrected, amended. "Well, I want for nothing I do not always want for, wealth, power and so on. But beyond those things I am satisfied with the life I have here."
As Melvin pleaded with him to essentially stand up for who he was and to be himself, he couldn't help but laugh without mirth. "I would very much like to do that for you Melvin, I would love to be who I am, but if I am entirely honest with you, at this point in my life I am not one hundred percent certain any longer who that is. Helping others takes its toll, it erodes your very basic self and I have never channelled anyone as long as I have been channelling Rin."
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 8:13 am
]HIs heart stilled as he stared at Jan, a mix of concern and shock flickering in his eyes.
"Jan....is Rin....destroying who you are?"
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 8:16 am
Lawr fell silent for a few long moments, his breathing slow and relaxed.
"Don't worry yourself about it." he said. "It is fine, any damage that is done is entirely worth it for you and being sure you both can be together again."
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 9:25 am
His concern broke into full guilt and sadness over what Jan was telling him. "Oh god. I'm…I'm killing you. I'm – I'm destroying you."
With a grunt, he sat up and looked down at the blonde. "Why didn't you tell me you were loosing yourself by keeping RIn in you so long? Why didn't you say she was taking over your body."
Isn't this what you wanted?
A cold reminder washed over him. If Jan was being taken away, if part of his problem was sacrificing himself to others, then the problem in trying to find himself, to feel, could just be damage caused by giving himself to other people. Just like now, he was giving himself to Melvin and in turn destroying the person he was trying to find.
And yet –
He had wanted it. He had wanted Rin to take over. He wanted all her time. He wanted her to have a body. He wanted her to be here.
But things were different now. He was with Jan now too. He wanted him here just as often as he wanted Rin. He wanted them both. That selfishness, that ignorance, that need was ruining everything. Take. Take. Take. That's all he ever did.
"Oh god."
He was going it again.
"Oh s**t."
He couldn't help it, could he? He was a monster.
Pushing off the bed, he held his side and got up, touching his brow with the other hand as he looked, wide-eyed at the ground. "You're going to wind up like her – and it's my fault."
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 9:34 am
Lawrence did not sit up but remained sprawled in feline fashion on the bed, seemingly indifferent to the potentially weighty thing he had just told the other man. "You are not doing anything to me I did not elect to do." he said. "You need her, so I am willing to deal with whatever that takes." There was absolute resignation in his tone, void of judgement or regret.
"Don't panic about it." he said, propping his chin up as he eyed Melvin. "You are always talking about how happy you were, I would like to see you that happy again." He did not voice the fact that he felt there had likely been any number of problems in the relationship, to the constant spectre of Rep which he could not seem to let go of to his changing and fluid definition of who Rin actually was. He didn't have to, all the decisions came down to Melvin and if the other man in the end decided that he was fine with the potential dissolution of who he was in favour of his ex girlfriend then that wouldn't hurt or surprise Lawr himself. There was nothing to lose.
"How I end up doesn't really matter to anyone, even me."
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 10:06 am
"It matters to me!" He shouted, turning around to look at him. "I don't want to see you gone. I don't want to be that obstacle in finding yourself. I don't want her to destroy you. I.."
He stepped back, sitting down on the bed. "Oh god." His head felt heavy as old desires and new ones mixed with his guilt. Everything had been so nice before. He wanted to keep this peace he had forever, but it was all brought on by not knowing what he was really doing.
"I'm so stupid."
He ran his hands down his face as he rubbed his eyes before he looked out across the room.
"Jan….Before, before I knew you, I did just think of Rin. I missed her a lot. I lost her so suddenly. Just like that, she was gone, and it was because of me. She loved me so much that she protect me when I could do nothing for her. Rin is that type of person. She would never want to hurt someone. She loved plants and animals and would rather hurt herself than others."
He turned back, wincing at how awkward twisting his body was. "Jan, I don't want her to take you just so she can be around but…" What did he want. "…I want to do what she wants me to do too. To set things right."
"But this isn't right. You shouldn't have to kill yourself for anyone. This goes beyond helping. I want a future we can share. I want one where we can all be together. I – I love you."
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