Casperkohai's place.

[inucabbage]

So hey! This is sort of a journal, pretty much. Basically I do a day, I write it down. If it's boring- then hey, random stuff. Also feel free to comment, preferably relevant but yeah!

Also as for stuff about me, I am transgender, FtM- also I'm probably one of the younger ones on here (being 16 and all) but I've only met one person younger than me, so yeah.

As a side note- I will attempt to refrain from emojis, but I tend to use those as expression- so be warned; also I'm not that good at conversations, which is my reason for making a thread here, but nonetheless, feel free to comment!  

[inucabbage]

18 / 08 / 15

Well today, I actually done something. I shopped a bit, mainly getting stuff I needed (besides a Captain America top, we don't talk about that). And then I got leant the first volume of Deadman Wonderland- but I read it in like an hour? So yeah-

And rant-

Although as soon as I get home it's nice to be referred to as a female. I came out in October last year- although for my mum I attempted to two years prior but I was ""too young"" and ""probably confused"". I'd understand if me coming out was a recent thing and they mess up sometimes, but this is an everyday thing now.

I mean it's just annoying how much effort I put into trying to pass as male, when I can't have anything done right now- due to being in England I have to wait ages for an appointment which should set stuff in motion, the most I can do is just bind. Even though it's not a lot, I've been trying so much to just be seen as male, but nothing seems to work. I understand the occasional slip up but everyday isn't occasional.  

[inucabbage]

20 / 08 / 15

So today I got my results, I passed seven, failed two. I'm not that bothered but one of them was art so now I'm worried if I'll get into photography, but I could always do maths instead? Apparently that's good for becoming a teacher.

Also with the results, it seemed that my maths teacher was giving them out and was the first one to see mine, so I got a chocolate bar out of that- but the school went one step further and used my preferred name, which she also brought up, stating that I'd done well for having a lot on my mind.
Although I think I'd done well for someone who procrastinates their life away.

On the topic of my name, my stepdad (who I don't normally get along with) was talking about officially changing my name which would cost fourteen pounds- I mean when stuff starts going in motion, I could get my name changed for free, but that'll be a while from now.

Anyway, all day I've just had a bad feeling that won't go away, but hopefully I'll sleep on it and then boom, gone. Either that or I'll wreck my sleeping routine trying to speedrun pokémon- my first record being four days.

We'll see!  

[inucabbage]

21 / 08 / 15

Well today was productive, I pretty much done nothing. The whole replaying pokémon thing went out the window- I ended up getting sucked into Lake Kindred. I suppose it's something? Well I partially done one thing, I'm working on washing the blue dye out of my hair since I want to bleach my hair again, my roots are just horrible. The only issue with that being, my hair is green in some areas, blue in others.

Anyway, tomorrow my uncle and cousin may be staying over which should keep my busy over the weekend, although it should be fun too. Since they got a puppy, I guess they'll be bringing her over too which might mean I'm on dog walking duty- I need to be more active so I won't mind that much.

That's about it though really-  

[inucabbage]

23 / 8 / 15

Okay so not a lot has been happening, my uncle didn't turn up although I'm probably going to get sent over to his to stay over, I guess anything to get me out of the house.

Since there isn't a lot to talk about, I'll just say like 10 random 'facts' about me.
1. I'm British if you haven't guessed from how I lay out the date.
2. I have two pets, a hamster called Mangle and a cat called Tabbyboo. The cat's name is purely for embarrassment of whoever's calling for him and as for the hamster, when I got her she screamed and reminded me of the animatronic from FNAF- although I'm not a hardcore fan of it.
3. My favourite drink is carbonated water, I practically live off it.
4. I guess I clean my room every week is a good fact? Whenever I clean the hamster I just tend to do the whole room, due to sawdust and stuff.
5. My favourite colour is teal, either that or blue and green- it goes well together.
6. I'm quite a laidback person until it comes to the day of something. Being laidback leads to procrastination though, so it saves me the worry, but nothing's really pushing me to do something.
7. I love photography although I probably won't be able to take it- which sucks because my stepdad's getting me a camera and he'll probably kill me.
8. Somehow I'm good at maths? I'm not sure how- it's just been relatively easy for me.
9. My memory is the shortest thing ever- and that's not a good thing. There's losing stuff all the time, forgetting homework until the last minute- stuff like that.
10. I wouldn't say I hate, but I never look forward to events where I receive presents in real life, such as Christmas or my birthday. Most of them are feminine presents to- as my mum says- "remember that I was born a female", although my mum's not doing the bad presents, she's the one not bothering. It's mainly my dad's side of the family that's responsible.  

[inucabbage]

25 / 8 / 15

So lately I've just been feeling on edge I guess? I just bet something bad's going to happen, and it's been a while since it started. I guess arguments are starting up at the moment, one due to late replies and another due to messaging habits. They're just small stuff but yeah-

Plus my mind's hardly bringing in the positivity- I'd talk more about it but I don't want to make people worry or bother about it- it'll sort itself hopefully. Everything's just so boring in a way- like there's no variety in the day and there's nothing to do. I don't want to go anywhere, like the two people I tend to hang around with, barely like me, I'm just a bother. At prom I was just someone to take photos. Even at my mum's house I'm not that welcome with stepdad and all, so for now I guess I'm self confined.

To add to it all, I need to change my A level options, since I failed art, I won't be able to take photography but I'll probably do maths instead if it works out.  

[inucabbage]

26 / 8 / 15

So stuff is actually happening- pretty much an hour after my last thing, my mum messaged me saying that we're going town on Thursday so I can get smart stuff for sixth form and that my binder finally arrived!

As for the binder, I love it- like the last one's I got had the sizing off, so when I thought I was getting the right fit, I wasn't. But this one was perfect, despite the sizing being quite vague saying like "UK size 6/8/10" etc. so I was more worried about it but nope, it's great! The material's really good too and if that wasn't enough, the labels were pretty cool-- which isn't important but it's pleasing to the eye.

But now I have to go to my mum's since she's meant to be going shopping today with me helping out- plus I might have left both of my important chargers there, well done me. So yeah! I'll make sure to keep you updated!

Another thing, as for the hair- this temporary dye is not so temporary. It's even refusing the power of Head and Shoulders- and sixth form starts in like two weeks? Damn-  

[inucabbage]

29 / 8 / 15

It's like really late (around 1am here) but I needed to update this sometime, A lot's happened- so on Thursday I went town with my mum and we got some stuff, I finally replaced my USB thing (the last one is pretty much dead regardless of how much tape I put on it) and it's sort of cool. I also went all out with a new pencil case, very very professional, it's not like it's a fluffy giraffe or anything.
As well as that, there was the smart stuff. Now I have two outfits for sixth form- still not enough. The issue is, I tend to wear black and greys and stuff when it comes to formal. I don't know why, it's just the direction I go in.

Anyway, I had to stay over my mum's which I never normally do, since it's really cold at her house, I don't know why it just is and I'm used to my double bed. But there was a massive argument between her and my stepdad which led to her and Nicole in tears- plus it was 10pm. The next day, boom, she spends a day in bed, which isn't really a good way of getting over arguments.

On the brighter side, today's my partner's birthday so that's a thing. I'm also missing a chocolate brownie cheesecake just to skype him, so although it is a sad time, I'm getting another chocolate cake. Priorities.  

[inucabbage]

2 / 9 / 15

So it's been a while and a lot's happened. So- there was stepdad stuff, staying over stuff and mum stuff to put it vaguely.

So with the whole stepdad thing- which was on Saturday I think? Well after a massive argument between him and my mum, I'd gotten closer to them in a way so for three days, went around more often. But on Saturday he continuously misgendered me, six times in a row. For the first three times I corrected him but he completely ignored me.

Of course my mum classed this as ""a mistake"", six times in a row I doubt it. And it isn't even the first time. For example, when I was planning for prom, he tried to make me wear a dress, but when I stated my views, those being ""I'm a guy, I won't feel comfortable in a dress"" He said that it [me being trans] was stupid. And my mum also covered for him then as well, since 'men can't always word things delicately'; her exact words, so if you can find any 'delicate' way of wording that with good intentions, let me know.

Then the day after I had to go to my mum's so I could meet my Uncle there, as well as my cousin and his girlfriend. I decided to ignore her to avoid an argument, she created an argument for that exact reason.

Also today, since I stayed over my Uncle's from Saturday to Sunday, she was meant to be coming over, she found out I was there and never came; although there's another reason for that. Ever since Saturday I've been repaying the debt to my stepdad and misgendering him in return, it sounds immature and to be honest it was meant to be immature, I didn't have a better idea up my sleeve, regardless it worked.

Apart from that, it was great staying over my uncle's. I don't see him much but he's glad that he knows more about what's going on with the whole mum and stepdad situation. Me and my uncle are pretty close though, unlike my mum he doesn't run away from the truth all the time, plus he accepted me completely despite me not telling him face to face, which I regret but yeah-

Anyway- that's about all I have to say, besides sixth form is starting soon- I just hope it goes well, so I won't leave the next entry as long, and I won't make it as long, but yeah- seeya!  

[inucabbage]

6 / 9 / 15

So tomorrow I'm starting sixth form, and I'm scared to hell tbh. It's not really with all of my year knowing that I'm trans once I go in, since I never really came out to most of them, only my friends. But I'm scared that I won't be able to do photography, but I'm also worried that if I do, my teacher will bear a grudge at me failing art.

On the topic of art, my mum gave me a present for getting into sixth form- art academy for the wii u, which seems great and all- but lately all she's been giving me are art games, drawn to life, art academy on the DS- I feel like I'm supposed to get a message from this. >.>

But anyway, hopefully it goes well, and that's about it, besides that I need to find my phone so I can see if anyone wants to walk with me, but yeah-  

[inucabbage]

8 / 9 / 15

Nothing really happened today, I went into town two times and that was about it. Tomorrow I have photography which should hopefully be good? I'm still a little nervous tbh. I should be able to see one of my old friends too! I had a friend called Jade way back when but apparently she's been getting pain in her body and it keeps getting worse, so I'm worried and also a little guilty. Like I wasn't really there for her a lot, when I came out, I sort of drifted from her but hopefully I can see her soon, I just really hope she's okay.

Apart from that, my stepdad's still misgendering me and now my nan is- she's using tiredness as an excuse for it but you don't make the same mistake that many times.

Anyway though, there's not a lot else.