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 Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 5:15 pm
 x what: Zeffer reveals the nature of his relationship-related ******** ups to Aprife
Slowly, he wandered up from where he had pulled the mutantblood aside, eyes scanning the area. He had to be around somewhere, and Zeffer intended to find him before they left with the mother grub.
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Posted: Mon Aug 17, 2015 6:49 pm
Aprife certainly was around, and it wouldn't take long for the blueblood's eyes to find him, leaned against the wall a short distance away. After settling things with Muerte, he'd gone looking for Zeffer, as well, and he'd found him, though not alone. Had it been anyone else, he probably would've stuck around to observe—hell, who was he kidding, creep was a much better word—but he'd respect whatever was going on between his matesprit and Byakko.
Not that he didn't have an inkling about just what that something was, though he didn't think much of it as he waited. He'd seen them hugging, but that alone was hardly surprising. They'd all been through hell, they were lucky to be alive, their leader most of all, he was sure. A moment of respite, that much they deserved. There was room for gentle affection in black, too, wasn't there? At least, Aprife believed Zeffer's feelings were tipping that way. He couldn't quite speak for Byakko.
With a genuine smile, one of the few reserved solely for Zeffer, he waved and pushed off the wall. A few joints popped, but he hardly showed his discomfort as he closed the gap between them.
"Hey." He looked the blueblood over quickly, concern evident. "You doing okay?"
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 5:03 am
Zeffer could feel his face heat up as he spied Aprife nearby, though any feeling of affection was also tinged with nervous embarrassment. His matesprit must have seen him with Byakko, and Zeffer briefly wondered if Aprife was cross, or suspicious. The yellowblood's smile quickly gave an answer for his question, and through his guilt, he smiled back. His stomach twisted; there was no way Aprife could know what was happening, or know about Zeffer's shifting emotions. Zeffer found himself caught up in the sudden turmoil of it all, and after the initial realization had hit him, he might have been happy to throw himself off a cliff, rather than bother with the idea of quadrants in the midst of an all out war. Like many aspects of his life, things were quickly slipping into a chaos that he knew was uncontrollable.
"Aprife." He slunk over to wrap his arms around the yellowblood gingerly, not wanting to exacerbate any injuries. "Yeah, I'm okay. What about you?" His bloodpusher fluttered, and his chest ached as he offered a halfhearted grin. Far from the usual for him, as his mind slowly descended into the panicked process of deciding what, exactly, to do, or say.
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 6:29 am
There was a stiffness in the moment, one the perceptive yellowblood picked up on quickly. Part of it was surely the situation; they were both injured, both likely dealing with the fatigue that came with quickly draining adrenaline. Aprife shifted, wrapping his largely uninjured arm around Zeffer's waist. The other one continued to hang limply at his side. What else, though, he found himself wondering, momentarily losing himself to his thought over answering his matesprit.
Was it because they hadn't seen each other lately? They had been busy with so many things, both for the Initiative and not, and temporary separation had never hindered them before. Perhaps Zeffer was simply in an uncomfortable mood. Maybe, ah yes maybe, something else had happened between him and Byakko from the time Aprife had seen them to now. They simply might have argued, who knew.
"Sore, but fine," he assured, flashing a toothier grin than before. He was a little more than sore, but it wasn't worth mentioning right now. There were no words minced as he rubbed his hand at the small of the blueblood's back.
"I saw you with Byakko. Hope you're not too mad." It was a joke, of course, his tone made that apparent. Still, his voice softened and an obvious worry punctuated his speech next. "You two looked okay. I thought for sure that black crush of yours was going somewhere, but... did something happen?"
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 1:20 pm
"Yeah, same here. Gotta get fixed up before we head out." Zeffer offered a weak laugh, and leaned against Aprife slightly as the yellowblood wrapped his arm around him. Again he tried to return Aprife's smirk, and again he failed, more or less, as his guilt shone through, though he knew it probably appeared to Aprife as exhaustion.
The temptation to lie flashed through his thinkpan, an alluring temporary solution to buy him some time to sort out his own emotions. He tried to tell himself that it wasn't that big of a deal, and maybe it really wasn't...but it felt like it was. The things he had been doing with and for Byakko would likely be more than enough to make Aprife feel betrayed, if he knew the nature of Zeffer's feelings regarding those things. The blackrom that had begun to blossom felt like a weak charade now, taunts and teasing laid over something deeper. She trusted him, and he felt as if he would do anything for her.
But...he would do anything for Aprife, too, wouldn't he? He was his oldest, closest friend, and he didn't deserve to be lied to. Knowing him, it wouldn't take too long to find out anyway, if he wanted, and Zeffer knew that that would be far worse. He swallowed hard, grin fading as Aprife joked, his eyes shifting down to the rocky cave floor.
"N-no...I mean..." Zeffer could have suffocated on the wave of self-disgust that hit him. How could he have allowed things to sink this far? His blood pressure began to spike as he struggled to think of what to say. "A lot's been going on, I think...I'm not sure if, uhh..." He sighed, and tried not to look flustered as he gathered his thoughts. Aprife would likely press him, and he welcomed it as he tried to find his usual confidence.
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Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2015 7:49 am
If there was one troll who understood the value of a good lie, and felt no qualms about using that to his advantage, it was Aprife. In the lifelong situation they'd found themselves in, honesty was best used with extreme discretion. Likewise, he hardly expected anyone else to spill their guts without a fight. That's why he was still honing his skills, every single night, though the yellowblood believed he was at least relatively proficient at getting information.
When it came to Zeffer, things were different. They'd been together, gone through so much, been friends and more for so long now. He had grown comfortable and open with him, and that's what he tended to expect in return. With his matesprit, Aprife was genuine.
So, it was no real surprise when he started to push, hand now gently clenched in the worn clothing at his back. The blueblood's demeanor was nothing like usual and that concerned him. Hell, he could barely crack a smile... that alone was a red flag. Add the uncertain attempt at choosing his words and Aprife was positive there was something pretty damn wrong.
"Hey, what's up?" His voice was even and low, as it always was now. "What's been going on? You know you can tell me. Maybe I can help you out, man."
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Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2015 8:03 pm
A tense sigh seeped from the blueblood as he began to avoid eye contact, still trying to find the right words. He'd never been very good at speaking with much tact or subtlety, and he cursed that now, as he stood there floundering. His face had begun to flush, but only in a miserable, embarrassed sort of way.
"I guess the truth is...I've been spending a lotta time with her." Zeffer sighed, reaching up to rub the back of his head, scratching at a place where blood had dried against his scalp. "Especially since she started taking care of Maneki." His voice was low, and almost wavering. He remembered the night he'd found the kid's egg, how elated she'd been, in her own way. They had rigged the escape tunnel together, and had even spent a bit of time up in her mountain hive. He realized now that he had done many things that would break the trust in his relationship with Aprife.
"I dunno if you could call the crush very black, anymore..." He murmured, eyes glued to the floor as he finally admitted it. He swallowed hard against the lump that had begun to rise in his throat, unable to look his matesprit in the eye.
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2015 12:29 am
Spending a lot of time, yes, okay, not an issue. Aprife mulled for a moment, wondering if his matesprit legitimately felt guilty for having other relationships. Had he projected some kind of neediness, possessiveness? He didn't think so, but then again, it was always so difficult to see the self that others saw. Despite his perceived self-awareness, perhaps he had overlooked his own feelings. Brows furrowed.
It took effort to keep from speaking up then, assuring him it was fine. In spite of his immediate reaction, however, the look on Zeffer's face read he had more to say. Continue, Aprife's eyes requested in return. Except the blueblood wouldn't look at him anymore, wouldn't meet his gaze. Something felt awfully bad about that, it made his stomach clench in a way not many things did. What could Zeffer possibly be that torn up about?
The eventual, though vague answer to his prodding had him near frozen as he tried to process what had just been said. Sharp teeth dug into his bottom lip.
"What do you mean?" The question tumbled out before he could catch it. Of course he understood the implication. If not black, but still there, then what else could it be? Pale? That would leave no reason for his matesprit's awkwardness around him. The uncomfortable whorls of hot and cold he'd grown to recognize as inklings of anger began to coil in his chest. If this was a joke, it was a bad one. "Red, is that what you mean? You're kidding, right?"
The hand at the blueblood's back clenched a little too tightly before letting go as Aprife took a step back. There was no way for him to know to what extent things had happened between Zeffer and Byakko or how long this had been going on... It didn't matter. The thought of emotional betrayal made him ache either way. He'd trusted Zeffer, his best friend, with so much of himself, and it hadn't been easy. As useless as it felt, he could only hope this was an unfortunate joke as he fought to keep his cool and hold back anymore premature responses.
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2015 7:00 pm
Zeffer's posture became just as tense as Aprife's as he attempted to explain himself. The yellowblood's hastily posed question caused his chest to ache with sickened shame, and he heaved another shaky breath as Aprife squeezed before letting go. When his matesprit stepped away, he finally steeled himself, and forced himself to look up, eyes ablaze with an expression spelling out that what he'd said was no joke. As tempting as it was, he couldn't bring himself to lie or backpedal; Aprife was his friend and deserved better than that.
"I'm sorry...I didn't want to lie to you." His voice caught in his throat as his hands dropped limply to his sides, resisting the urge to hug himself. He could sense Aprife's growing ire, and didn't want to close himself off, knowing he deserved the repercussions of his actions, whatever they ended up being. "I didn't realize it until now...I don't know what happened. I'm sorry..." He babbled, eyes shifting down again, too ashamed to maintain eye contact. For as smooth as he usually acted, the whole situation had his mind in a panic, and he didn't know what to do.
He began to take a slow step back himself, and nearly stumbled on a small boulder. The conversation was turning into a nice little mess, and though he hadn't wanted to lie, he realized that such a talk probably could have been saved for a better time. If any of them survived, anyway...he sighed, and reached up to rub his face, glancing up at Aprife again and bracing himself for a negative reaction.
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:07 am
Before he even let everything sink in all the way, really sink in, he was opening his mouth again. "You always were pretty piss-poor at keeping yourself reigned in. Never ******** thinking." Now Aprife was the one refusing to think, letting his emotions flare up and get the better of him. "What are you even trying to say? I mean really say. Is this some ******** ploy to push me to oscillate? You do realize how much I pity you, right? Does that matter to you? Or hell, are you just done with me?"
Despite the way his throat held him back, his voice was slowly rising in volume. The louder it got, the weaker it sounded, scratchy, hoarse, wavering. A very unfortunate contradiction when all he wanted to do was express how he felt. Everything in his goddamn head was a jumble and that was something he wasn't at all used to.
"How far have you even gone with her? Not that it matters if you already let yourself get attached."
There was a part of him that knew this was hard for Zeffer, unbelievably hard, but it was just as difficult for Aprife to accept they both were hurting. All he wanted to do was make the rash decision to cut ties, to push him away. A hand, slightly shaking, pushed back against his dreads as he paced to the side, stopped, paced back. This sure as hell wasn't anything he wanted to be thinking about at all, let alone in the middle of a fight for their lives. He didn't want to say this, not until he could properly mull over everything, not until they were all home safe and there was time to breathe, but it tumbled out anyway.
"I can't deal with you if this is the s**t you're gonna pull. I ******** trusted you, Zeffer, and I have to watch my back enough between the crown and our own 'comrades,' apparently." Now that hand was fisted in the blueblood's coat, knuckles clenched white, still trembling. "So ******** tell me... are you with her or do you want to be with her?"
His eyes were dark as the words finally died in his throat. He'd been rambling, but it was so hard not to, there was so much he wanted to say.Kamileunaire I totally edited this but only for like one tiny grammatical thing that was bothering me LOL
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Posted: Wed Sep 02, 2015 3:00 am
Zeffer winced as Aprife snapped at him, exhaling slowly and holding it as he took the verbal lashing in silence. Despite the fact that Aprife's voice was dulled by his old injury, he may as well have been yelling, as the bitterness shone through in his tone. Zeffer's eyes remained glued on the floor, and he began to gnaw away at the inside of his lip, fists clenched. There was a pause, and Aprife presented him with more questions, questions he wished he knew the answers to. Regret was seeping into him more heavily with each passing second.
"I --I don't know--" He huffed, eyes flickering up and back down, shuffling his feet as he fidgeted in place. Watching Aprife stalk about was making him antsy as ********, the tension in his muscles rising. Did the yellowblood have it in his mind to physically lash out? Zeffer realized after a moment that it was silly to think such a thing, and was about to attempt another stuttered answer, before Aprife continued on his ********! I --I don't <******** know!!" Zeffer's voice wobbled dangerously as the lump in his throat rose. He made no effort to struggle or push away as the yellowblood snatched at his coat, eyes glistening with frustration and shame. He hated himself for what he had done, but he couldn't resent Akko or their growing relationship, just like he couldn't deny the bond he shared with Aprife. He hated the fact that there had to be a choice.
"I never wanted to hurt anyone. Especially you. She needed someone she could trust, and I couldn't just..." Zeffer looked away as the sentence trailed off, feeling too foolish to try to explain it, to justify it. There was nothing he could say or do that would vindicate his actions. He heaved another shaky breath, and clenched his jaw. At this rate, maybe it would be alright if he didn't make it out of the swamp. His eyes slipped downward again, as he tried to purge the rotten thoughts from his thinkpan. Objectively, it all felt incredibly juvenile, but he knew the matter wasn't going to be brushed aside so easily, if they all managed to survive the ordeal.
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Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:03 pm
I don't know.
Such a copout answer, Aprife thought. Weak. Spineless. But even so, it was real. It was so very obviously real, wavering and emotional, and that was already wearing at the fire in his chest. What only moments before was an inferno had died down to ash, leaving a hollow buzz, lukewarm and growing colder as those familiar blue eyes dropped away from his again. Fingers untwined from his coat, lingering only a moment, sliding along the hem.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. Especially you.
The next instant the touch was gone, his hand retreating to rub absentmindedly at his injured arm before dropping completely. Their reality was sinking back in again, as pointedly as the headache forming behind his eyes. He was exhausted, emotionally now even more so than physically. It felt like hell to flip-flop like this, Aprife craved the sense of control that came with managing his emotions, but lately it slipped so easily through his fingers like the sands of the desert they were being chased out of.
Enough. Now wasn't the time for this. No longer looking at Zeffer's face, done with meeting only his downturned gaze, Aprife spoke, voice tired and raspier than usual.
"Someone she could trust. I see." Tired, yes, but there was a bite to his tone. It sounded so ironic to him. "I don't have time for this right now. We have to get ready to move." It was hard to will the work ethic back when he knew he'd be thinking about this all night, but it was all he could grasp for now, a possible escape through adversity, an outlet for his anger. It probably wasn't right to cut it here, they'd solved absolutely nothing, but right now he simply didn't want to solve. Without another word he turned and began to briskly pace away.
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Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2015 8:48 pm
Zeffer felt about as spineless as Aprife's thoughts regarding his reply. He hugged himself as Aprife pulled his hand away, trying to gather his thoughts, trying to think of something more to say. Nothing came to mind, though - nothing that could fix the situation he'd created, or get him out of the hole he'd dug himself into. Whorls of regret were starting to cloud his thoughts. If they didn't make it out, this would be their final, rotten memory of one another...
"Right. I'll....let's talk, later...Be safe." He murmured it as Aprife marched off, biting the inside of his lip hard. He didn't expect a response, but he couldn't bare to leave it at that. Part of him was tempted to turn, to chase the yellowblood down and apologize...but the damage had been done. Whether they ever saw one another again or not, they each needed time to think. Sucking in a breath, Zeffer slunk away to regroup with Akko.
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