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 Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 7:43 pm
This is where you should post any short story, poetry, quotes, possibly even joke, and then receive feedback from others.
If you are going to be writing in a sort of series or journal type of thing, please make your own thread so that this one does not become clogged. Comments on those threads should be posted in this board though.
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 9:30 am
This is a short story, one of many I have half written. It is the only COMPLETED one I have done. The others are all, half finished....
Silence. That is the only word to describe space. Silent, and dead. "There is no air in space for others to hear you scream." Someone once said. It was true, and no one knew that better then the Methian race. The Methian had been fighting in space for most of their recorded history. From the upper atmosphere, to the far end the galaxcy and back. They knew war, and they knew it well. But, I wander, so let me get back to where I was.
Private First Class Nari Izumoto stared out of his Mech cockpit. The stars around him were unfamilure, but that could be because he was "upside down". For you see, in space, there is no ups and downs, left or right, forwards, or backwards. It is all reaitive, and often commanders fight realitive to a planet, or a certain plane of combat. It is confusing, and often fleets advance with different planes, throwing off any hope of a "clean" battle. Now, let me again, return back to my story.
So, Priavate First Class Nari Izumoto stared out of his cockpit, scanning and observing the beauty around him. This was his first time out in space, at least, not in the simulator. In his opinion, the simulator was good, but it could not match the raw beauty infront of him. But, he also did know that the beauty of the stars would soon be interupted by a dance of death. The heathen Valdemorkian were rumored to be coming, and Nari would defend his homworld with his life.
A small screen lit up on his hud. He pressed a button on the fast array of controls. The small screen enlarged to a full scale briefing. Nari sat back and watched his briefing, as he would during the simulations. It covered the suspected attack axis of the enemy, and the high value targets. Nari had gotten bored, so he skipped to the end, for the final points. Now, with his briefing taken care of, he could go back to gazing at the pricks of light, dancing in the endless votex of his galaxcy.
As he looked among the stars, one of them changed. Instead of being a nearly impossible size, it started to grow. It was not a star going nova, it was an enemy jump point. The star expanded into a black, empty void, blocking out the stars, and standing out against the stillness of space. The circle hung there in space, looking no bigger then the moon behind him. At least, it was untill the nose of the first ship came out. The large, dagger shapped vessel edged it way ou. It was a Valdemorkian "Hearld" class. Nari felt his insides chill in his controled envorment. The "Hearld class" was about five hundred kilometers long, a massive shipe comparted to his one hundred and twenty foot tall mech.
But, what really scared Nari was not massive Hearld, which his IFF identifed as the "Alberich". No, it was the hundreds and hundreds of smaller vessles exiting the gate. The size of the fleet astounded the young pilot, but he stilled his resolve. Under a tight beam radio message, his unit leader's voice came across the COM with the slow, steady chant of a prayer. "Amen." The other three enlisted men answered. It was time to start the battle.
There was a flash of light off to his starboard side, as the thrusters on his commander's mech burst into life. The thrusters were the only signs of life on the mechs. Now, the five pilots sped towards what looked like certian doom. Once a target got within range, Nari's targeting computer activated, and locked on. The arm carrying the beam rifle swung to get within range, and his finger hovered over the trgger. Seconds turned into hours, as the adrinaline pumped through his viens.
There, locked on, and allinged. His finger depressed the trigger, sending a beam of death at his target. His target, a small, ten crew friggate, took the blow on her shields. The beam's effect disapated, and was absorbed into the shields. Another shot was fired, and again the same effect. Now, the enemy ships were reacting to the sudden and unwonted attack. In his helment, Nari could hear the pinging as enemy ships attempted missle locks. He reached out, touching a number pad, and quickly entered in the code. The ECM kicked in, and the pinging subsided.
Another shot at the friggate, and the shields were down. The shields had turned opeaque at the last hit, and then shattered. Now, the mech flew straight at the Friggate, the left hand swinging up, then down. On the down slice, a sword of pure, contained energy came out of its arm. The sword clove the ship in two, where the crew was sent into space, dieing from the dead air.
Quickly moving away from the doomed vessel, as its reactor went critical, Nari couldn't help but notice a strange sound. As he wove through the ships, and their heavy laser batteries fired into each other, he pundered what this sound was. Then, he realized it was the light calibur AAA batteries on the enemy ships. The weapons that were effective against fighters, but not his more heavily armored mecha.
With a quick glance at his radar scope, he spotted his unit mates. All four of them were hammering away at the shields of the largest vessel, obvisously the flag ship. With a grin, he pushed his mech forward, and went to go join the pounding.
So, after the battle, which became know as the battle of Moon Shine Gate, the Karsite won the war. Thanks to the skilled pilots of the 501st, they were able to deal a devastating blow to the heathen army. But, all the 501st moruned the lost of such skilled pilots, but the war was not over.
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Posted: Wed Mar 22, 2006 6:46 pm
I think you have a good concept, but I honestly think that your story simply does not work as a short one. For things of that nature, you need a series or a larger piece.
You have a great deal of character impute, but then you switch to simple detailing what happens. It might be better if you expand on your character's thoughts and feelings about war, making that the focus, or simply stick with the detail and make the lack of feeling a focus.
At this point, I see no real defined meaning or intention behind this. I am one of the first people to say that a story does not need a meaning, but a common theme is generally nice. Or, if you are going the route of merely telling an interesting story, you might think about adding more background or interest in the character.
Still, it is a nice little piece and you could really take it some place, but my problem with it is that it feels like it has been cut right from the middle of a book. Please, write more!
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 7:00 pm
Nice work Gilyan, but I felt that it was cut off suddenly at the last paragraph...so I pretty much agree with Soviet.
But now, you can crit my work. xp This was a pretty recent work...and I can't really explain the darkness of it and my other stories I've written lately. I think it was started when a kid I know tried to kill himself...
Dark corners welcome me, calling to me as the shadows playfully tug at my cooling arms and legs. Their laughter is mischievous and contagious as they cover my nearly lifeless body and I try to laugh with them, but my bloodless lips crack painfully. A sigh, a shudder later and my last breath escapes my body. I hang there, at the last checkpoint between life and death as the shadows continue to cover me, the swirling darkness a protection against that which comes. Weakly I open my eyes for the last time, and then I die, the final spark leaving my body.
The shadows gently glide up to my face and close my open eyes, a sign of love and respect. Sliding under my body, the warmth finally gone, the shadows lift my body up into the air and swarm over me, their antics as graceful as a thousand dancers. A dark purplish-blue light begins to form where my heart should be, slowly growing, steadily enlarging until the light bathes my entire body in it's glow. Light brown hair is replaced by silky-soft shadow colored hair as the light grows brighter and the shadows slowly turn my body. The dark glow grows brighter still, creating a blinding flash before disappearing altogether. My closed eyes suddenly open, their color changed to the ever-flowing, ever-changing color of the shadows. I feel reborn as the shadows lower me to the ground, and I step to the floor, the cold stone biting into my bare feet. My eyes close again as I search my memories, trying to understand how I came to be like this.
Everything is slowly coming back, but it's going in reverse, starting from the present. I see myself being held up by the shadows, and before that, so close to dying, and my actual death. As my memories from further back return, I see the cause of it all. I see my murderer. My eyes open, the shadows tainted with a dark red. I move like a cat, the shadows trailing behind as I run, bent on the destruction of a man.
I find him not far from where I died, drinking himself into oblivion in a dark alleyway. He doesn't know who I am, nor should he, I was just some person he mugged, the beating carried to the extreme. He wouldn't recognize me anyway, I have changed--grown so much!
My skin, once tanned, is a bloodless white. My hair and eyes once a golden brown, now shimmer with the likeness of the shadows. My face and body still bear the scars of the beatings, though the lines are so fine they appear only as silvery threads. When I walk, I glide - the shadows supporting my every step. I have changed, yes...more than anyone could ever know.
" Wh..wh..who...are..*hic*..you?" He sounds scared, and well he should be. My eyes have turned a blood red, and my hair waves as in a stiff wind though there's not a breeze to be felt. The shadows roll at my feet, their protective and menacing nature apparent...obvious.
"I am someone you killed." My voice is cold and as dark as those that made me. He screams, yet his cries are heard by no one, the shadows see to that. My work here is done, I leave the mangled body behind, though it will only baffle the police.
Standing alone atop a building, I look down over the city, my eyes swirling the normal black-purple-blue. I make a solemn promise this day...no one will suffer the same fate I was doomed to, they will not die and leave their murderer un-judged. I am friend of the shadow, one with it; so watch your back...
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Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 1:00 pm
s**t, Bristi. Remind me not to cross you in a dark alley.
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Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 1:16 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Wed Mar 29, 2006 11:29 pm
-bows- Sorry you all... It just seemed right to me to cut it off. Its kind of an ongoing/never really work on it do to lack of motivation/I have no fliping clue what the hell I'm doing kind of thing...But, I'll work on some more. Very nice Britsi and Ru'ni.
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Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 7:50 pm
Would anyone be interested in reading a fantasy book about a necromancer? Sort of like writing about a nice vampire, but with a necromancer.
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Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2006 3:52 pm
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Posted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 10:08 pm
Here's a poem I scrawled during class one day, I just can't seem to finish it-- I wanted to go into more details of the gun and then give some backstory of why he shot the man. Maybe make it into a full ballad..
The task, the deed, is gruesome done
The chamber down from six to one.
Expecting screams but hearing none
the trial's through and I have won.
The brass shells ring, he could not run
My vengeance swift, fueled by my gun.
The stock was locked the hammer pulled
Silencer snug, the blast was dulled.
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Posted: Sun May 07, 2006 6:51 pm
Well this was from my Story Idea that I wanted to do... Sky city... I think I still have the outlines for the RP... sadly I never got a chance to really get it off the ground, it was a bit too big for me to handle... well summers comeing up mabey I can do it then.. anywho this was from the Sky City RP I was planning to make...
Staring outwards across the clouded sky Zero watched as the clouds passed and swirled around Sky City. As his white coat flapped around him he turned around heading back from the way he came, only to find it blocked by three Guards their weapons pointed at him. "Code name Negative ZERO! You are to be arrested and detained until you are consider fit to return to the BIO lab! Resistance will result in the use of force!" The Guard cocked his gun emphasizing his point. Zero looked at the Guards with white eyes "I can not return, I still must complete my mission" Rushing forward, his hair a writhe of white flames and his arms charged with pure white energy, he dodged under the bullets the Guards fired, and grabbed the leader by the head. Pausing only for a second he lifted the Guard and threw him over the edge of the city. All three combatants stopped and watched the Guard fly through the air screaming, before disappearing behind the clouds. Zero looked at one of the remaining guards and, leveling his arm at him, fired off a beam of pure energy, hitting the Guard square on the chest, and leaving nothing in the wake of the beam. The last Guard, seeing all this, turned and ran. Zero watched him, suddenly dashing forward, leaving a trail of energy behind him, he quickly caught up with the guard. Passing him in an instant he slid to a stop, a magnificent sword in his hands, the guard behind him falling over in two pieces.
Opening his eyes Zero floated in a large tube of green liquid. Two people stood before him, a male and female, there lab coats told him they were like many of the scientists before. The man walked forward pressing a few buttons on the control panel and the liquid drained from the tube. "Zero, we have stood back and watched what everyone has done to you." He looked away and the female walked over and put a hand on his shoulder "Zero, we're freeing you, your life is now your own. Go, go out and explore this small little world we live in." Zero looked at them not sure what to do. "I do not understand, what are my orders?" He asked. Before they could respond the room filled with flashing read lights and sirens began to blare. Both scientists looked around before the man spoke "Damn! They must have hacked our personal files!" Looking at Zero he shouted "ZERO! GO, ESCAPE! LIVE!" Standing there Zero looked confused "THAT'S AN ORDER!" Needing no further prompting Zero turned and fired a beam of energy at the wall behind him. Dashing through the hole he looked back to see both Scientists holding each other as the room filled with guards, Zero rushed away to complete his orders...
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Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 8:36 pm
Nice..both of you. Cool character Jan.
That poem's really cool Gourou, would make an awesome ballad.
Reminds me though..I get some of my best poetry ideas while doing Math. xd
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Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 6:05 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Wed May 31, 2006 6:53 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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