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 Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2015 11:31 pm
He didn't know what time it was.
At some point - he also didn't know when - they'd somehow moved from the couch onto the mattress on the floor, Tolliver on his back, clothes long discarded, his mind completely devoid of any thought except how much he wanted this, how much he wanted Logan Hitchcock.
He'd never felt so incredibly cared for, in so many ways. It was an extraordinarily liberating feeling, once he'd finally let go and given in. For the most part, Tolliver had let Hitch lead, but every now and then he would instigate something of his own, always tentative, always shy, but still there.
And now he was trying to drag himself back into the throes of coherency, Tolliver on his side, burrowed against Hitch's chest, nose at his collarbone. His eyes were closed; he might have dozed off for a few seconds, dizzy and warm and finally, amazingly, comfortable, and hours had passed, he knew that much at least.
"Are you..." he murmured, his arms folded against his own chest, pressed between them. "How are you doing?"
The question was a pathetic one, and probably a ridiculous one to ask at this point in time, Tolliver's face flushed. But he wanted to know anyway, needed to know if Hitch was all right, that he wasn't regretting anything - yet again - that had happened between the two of them.
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 12:06 am
"Amazing."
Hitch's arm was wrapped around Tolliver, keeping him close and secure. He'd like to say he felt satiated, but he did and didn't. Tolliver was a ******** drug, Hitch realized, and the most addictive kind, seeping into his veins and making him burn from the inside out. He was exhausted, and he felt more relaxed than he had in - he couldn't remember the last time anymore. It was like the piling debt, the endless onslaught of bills, the hours of work at places he hated with people he despised, none of that even mattered right now. No, it was like they didn't even exist. The world had shifted from suffocating and overwhelming to small and comfortable, limited to this bed and the warm body beside him.
The guilt still twisted him, the user's guilt. This was something Hitch wasn't supposed to be doing, and he knew it. But it didn't stop him from using. It was his own fault for pining after that first hit - he'd always had an addictive ********> that was good."
He breathed out and tilted his head to look at Tolliver, and seeing him blush made him do the same. "Uh - how 'bout you? - you okay?"
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 12:16 am
Tolliver visibly relaxed at his admission, his expression shifting, a shy smile on his lips. He closed his eyes and nuzzled a little closer, lips against Hitch's collarbone, just briefly, more of an attempt at snuggling than anything else, because he was way too exhausted to do much more than this, anyway.
He lifted his gaze to meet Hitch's, Tolliver turning one of his hands to press against the other's chest, feeling the beat of his heart beneath his skin, against his ribs. There was no regret in Tolliver's gaze; there hadn't been any during their first night, and there wasn't any now, even with the uncertainty and the fear and the anxiousness that would never truly leave him.
Even now, with everything that had happened, he was trying to decipher what it meant, what it was supposed to mean.
"I'm okay," Tolliver murmured, and inched up a little so that he could see Hitch more clearly, wanting to continue sharing his space. He hesitated - as always - and then leaned forward, pressing a very light kiss to his lips before pulling back, resting his fingers against Hitch's chin.
"You're very...patient with me," he said softly, hating the insecurities that always felt crippling, the way the scar on his leg seemed to throb constantly, reminding him of its presence. Even now, was trying to lie in a way that hid it from view, though that was rather difficult. "Thank you."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 12:37 am
Snuggling, kissing, it didn't matter what the intent was. The low sigh that slipped from Hitch's lips in response might as well be saying loud and clear that however Tolliver wanted to touch him, he just wanted him to keep doing it.
He didn't want to delve too far into meanings. Deep down, he knew that probably wasn't totally fair, but - he didn't know if he could deal with overthinking it right now. The weight of it would be too much to bear, and he just wanted to keep the crawling fears and guilt to the corners of his mind so he could keep feeling light and happy.
"Good, " Hitch breathed out. He could always see Tolliver's kisses coming, but they never failed to surprise him, entice him. He reached out with his free hand to his fingertips could dance lightly over Tolliver's cheek as he pulled away.
Then, he laughed, the sound rolling in his chest as he toyed with the colored ends of Tolliver's hair. "Seriously? - you're gonna say that after the last ********' time? - if anyone should be thankin' anyone, I should be thankin' you for not calling the cops on the crazy guy or somethin'."
Even though he was cracking a joke, he kind of knew what Tolliver was really getting at. He'd been taught from a young age to read cues from people, and if there was one thing that was ******** obvious about his -- about Tolliver, it was the leg. The looks of frustration. The sighs. The way he always shifted it out of sight.
"It doesn't bother me, y'know." Hitch took a deep breath and squeezed Tolliver's shoulder affectionately, hoping he wouldn't take that the wrong way. "You don't need to worry -- seriously. You're really -- " Gorgeous? He didn't know if he was totally ready to come out and say something like that to another man, at least not now. (In the heat of the moment he was pretty sure he'd said something more along the lines of you're so ********' hot I can't ********' take it, but that was totally different.) " -- I like lookin' at you, okay?" And his cheeks burned. "All of you."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 12:50 am
He liked the feel of Hitch's fingers against his face, Tolliver blushing out of habit (one day he would get that under control, damn it), and he let his eyes flutter half shut at the ministrations, at the sound of the laughter that rumbled out of his chest. Tolliver let it wash over him, and there was a slight smile on his own lips.
"I wouldn't have called the cops on you, even if we hadn't..." His face flushed, Tolliver glancing away out of embarrassment. "Anyway, I would never have called them on you."
His fingers flickered lightly over Hitch's collarbone, and he felt the hand on his shoulder, squeezing in reassurance. Tolliver could not remember the last time he had not felt self-conscious about his damn leg and his damn scars; they were a physical manifestation of the moment when his life had turned to s**t, a constant reminder of his failures, of every bad aspect to him and his life. He hadn't wanted to subject Hitch to that, but...
He was biting his lip again, a habit that really needed stopping. Tolliver looked up at Hitch, catching the redness of his cheeks, and he inched closer still, leaned, and nuzzled his face against the side of Hitch's, feeling the warmth of his cheek on his own.
"I like..." Could he even say it? Tolliver felt the anxiety growing, but he was also trying to be more honest with himself.
"I like the way you...look at me," he murmured, so softly it was hardly even audible, but he was close enough that Hitch would have heard him anyway. Tolliver moved his cheek away from Hitch's and buried his face in the crook of his neck where it slid into his shoulder, self-conscious and shy, voice muffled.
"I don't feel...nearly as ******** up when you look at me."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 1:37 am
Hitch liked the warmth against his cheek, too - he didn't really want it to leave, he thought to himself with an unexpected wave of possessiveness. It was jarring, but not wholly unwelcome.
When Tolliver finally got the words out he wanted to say, though, Hitch's breath shuddered like he'd gotten a chill. That admission, it struck a nerve, and struck it hard.
For the first time, he was relieved that Tolliver wasn't looking at him. He bit down hard on his lower lip, ignoring the sting of protest from the split. He pressed his head further back against his pillow, blinking furiously to ward off the sudden rush of heat to his eyes. What a stupid thing to get so worked up about.
Quit being such a girl, Logan. The memory of his mother's playful, loving, scathing voice swept over him like a specter.
Me too, Tolli. He thought it, but didn't say it, staring up at the ceiling as he willed himself to calm down, stroking Tolliver's back soothingly as they laid there. "I'm glad." His voice was a little thick in spite of his efforts, but it was nearly imperceptible. "You're -- y'know, I almost didn't go to that ********' stupid party, " and he goaded himself into laughing. "It was so ********, but - s**t I'm glad I did."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 1:50 am
The warmth of Hitch's hand on his back was almost addicting - no, not almost, it was addicting. Tolliver felt himself growing more and more accustomed to the sensation of it, of the tingles that ran up and down his spine, of the feeling of pleasure it gave him.
Would this become a habit? He wasn't quite sure anymore, but he knew, at the very least, that giving this up seemed like an impossible task at present. Hitch was here, and he was caring for him in ways that Tolliver wasn't used to, that he wanted to see more of, explore more. Was it selfish to want more of it? To want to continue feeling the way he was about all of this?
A soft breath of air was exhaled, almost a laugh, ghosted across Hitch's neck.
"I didn't want to go either," Tolliver murmured, and he turned his head slightly, pressed a shy, tiny kiss to the underside of Hitch's jaw. Hitch had made plenty of his own marks to Tolliver's skin, and while Tolliver wasn't brave enough to yet return the favor, he was at least trying to by doing what he could. "Fritz....Fritz made me, I wasn't going to but I did, and then all that s**t went down, and...well..."
He drew back, just enough to see Hitch's face, his own flushed and tentative. He wanted to say thank you, to tell Hitch all that he had managed to do for him, but nothing came to mind, the words dying before they reached his throat at all.
Keep looking at me, was what he wanted to say, but it wouldn't come. Keep looking at me the way you've been looking at me.
"Here I am," Tolliver said softly. "Here we are."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 2:09 am
When he saw Tolliver's face, flushed and unsure, he smiled. It wasn't fake, half-assed, or even forced. He could just smile, his teeth flashing between his lips, and he reached out with both arms, encircling Tolliver around his middle and drawing him closer still. The sensation of skin on skin sent a surge of heat rushing through him.
It was ironic, wasn't it? - hilarious, even. Two people that didn't want to be somewhere ended up having this horribly shitty time, but enjoyed each other in spite of it - then months later, out of the blue --
"We are a shitty chick flick, " he teased with another peal of laughter, craning his neck enough to kiss Tolliver's forehead before he fell back again, still cackling as he added, "I really did have to throw that ********' suit out y'know. - so you're s**t out of luck if we go anywhere fancy."
He tried not to overthink the implications of what he'd sort of just said, because he'd told himself he wouldn't. "I'm gonna tell you right now, Tolli, my schedule is s**t on a stick, " because it was a fair warning. His cheeks warmed again, though, his stomach churning because hey, more implications, great. - but no matter how ******** up he was, he was an addict. An addict doesn't just quit when they've got their high. "Friday mornings an' Wednesdays, though. I got those free."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 2:24 am
He let out a soft gasp, unable to quite keep it in, as Hitch pulled him closer, but he found he liked it very much, Tolliver's own hands sliding across his bare chest, reveling in the closeness, the relaxed smile burned into his memory.
His own smile flickered back, still a little quiet around the edges, because he just simply wasn't used to having a reason to smile. The kiss to his forehead was affectionate, but Tolliver had caught on to what Hitch had said right after, and it sent a fresh wave of uncertainty through him. Uncertainty and a strong, almost desperate desire for it to be true, because it meant seeing him again, meant Hitch wanted to see him again.
"I made Fritz get my suit dry cleaned," Tolliver said, remembering. "He wasn't exactly thrilled about it, but, well, he'd dragged me there in the first place, after all."
The nickname, that silly, wonderful nickname. Tolliver loved the way it rolled so easily from Hitch's tongue, because it felt personal and warm and selfishly special. As did what Hitch was saying, and a shiver ran up and down Tolliver's spine. He hesitated a little - a lot - and then mentally said <******** it and slid an arm around Hitch's waist, easing himself entirely over to him, his eyes flickering.
"It's all right," Tolliver murmured softly. He burrowed himself against Hitch, forcefully pushing away the anxiety, trying to focus solely on the feeling of this warm, wonderful man against him and the fact that Hitch clearly wanted to see him again. "I just..."
Should he say it? Would it be too much? Would it sound desperate?
"I just want to see you when I can," Tolliver said quietly, truthfully, worrying his lower lip as he looked at Hitch.
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 10:51 am
"Lemme guess. He didn't have a problem durin' the party, huh?" he teased in a rolling, lazy kind of way. Hitch's eyes fell shut as he snickered, giving him the excuse to relish the weight of Tolliver's closeness.
He gave a short, but contented little hum when the weight of Tolliver's arm coiled around him and he came closer still. It wasn't oppressive, or even heavy, like so much of the rest of his life. It was soothing, emboldening even. He didn't want it to go.
Tolliver's confession, the one where he wanted to see him more, made Hitch's chest tight in a way he hadn't expected. Not a bad way, just - new? Like a knot, a tense knot that didn't hurt, more like the energy of a coiled spring without any spring.
None of that made a damn bit of ******** sense, of course. But this kind of s**t wasn't all logic, even if it'd be easier that way. (Didn't he know it.) "Maybe - s**t, I don't know, " and he was a little flustered as he murmured on, "If it's not, I mean - if you'd - maybe I could come over to your place some nights?" His night life as Eurydike came to him, and went - he'd still have time. If he wanted to make all these things happen, work and Eurydike and Tolliver, he'd make it work. He had to.
He finally spat it out. "I mean. If your brother's out or whatever, after my job. Y-you don't gotta say yes, it's cool, but - that's a thing we could do, maybe, " he'd always been so ******** terrible about asking to go to someone else's house uninvited. Another measure of calculated shame that stemmed from the manners his mother had instilled in him. It'd done him a lot of good, yeah, but it left him wound pretty ******** tight sometimes.
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:14 am
A soft, inelegant snort escaped him. "Of course not," said Tolliver with a little sigh. "He got out of there just fine and dandy."
The feeling of Hitch's arms around him - the feeling of his own around Hitch, curled about his waist - was new and extremely pleasant, not to mention comforting. His presence was a contradiction in and of itself, because Tolliver was anxious and shy and uncertain of everything, but Hitch was making it easier for him while simultaneously being the root of most of his anxieties.
The I don't know made Tolliver even more flustered, anxiety flooding his stomach, because of course his mind immediately went to he doesn't want to see me, it's too much, I've said too much before the rest of what Hitch was saying ebbed into his thoughts.
His face flushed, as did the rest of him. Tolliver just looked at Hitch for a few seconds, and then he pressed forward, lips against Hitch's, fingers trembling as he rested them against the strong line of his jaw (not too strong or too sharp, just right, just absolutely right).
"Come over," Tolliver murmured, without moving away, and maybe he sounded a little desperate, or maybe he just sounded pathetic, and it was embarrassing, but... "Please."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:30 am
The silence as Tolliver looked at him pulled him taunt as a wire. Then, the kiss soothed him, made him pliable and warm again. It was too short, but that just made it more enticing, and Hitch's lips remained parted for some moments after Tolliver had pulled away, his eyes half-lidded and fluttering. Then, he smiled. He leaned up and merely ghosted his lips over Tolliver's, wanting to do more, but -- "Okay, " he breathed it and kissed him again, and again, short, almost teasing little brushes of heat. Then, he licked his lips and then pursuing them as he fell back, a playful, almost wolfish smile on his face. "I'll come over. - you're really gonna have to text me this time, y'know."
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:41 am
He was sharing something with someone. He was sharing himself with someone who was reciprocating and who was succeeding in sending little thrills of warmth into his stomach and chest, and he liked it, whether it was just talking, or laughing (he really liked seeing Hitch laugh, eyes tracing the way his whole countenance seemed to relax as he did), or kissing or touching.
The teasing kisses pulled a soft - and embarrassing - whine from Tolliver, who clamped his lips shut as heat flooded his face, thick and shameful. But he'd been the one to initiate the kiss this time, and Hitch's sly smile was succeeding in adding to the flutters in his chest.
"All right," Tolliver murmured, eyes half lidded as he looked at Hitch. "I'll try." His fingers brushed along his lower lip, lingered on the piercing, then touched very lightly on the cut, a look of concern in his eyes. He wanted to ask how he'd gotten it, but...
"Does it hurt?" he asked instead, voice soft. "I didn't...I didn't hurt you or anything, when I...when we...?"
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 12:00 pm
The whine might have been embarrassing for Tolliver, but it made Hitch shiver in the good way. He added it to the ever growing list of sounds he wanted to hear again, and had that list ever ******** grown today. Then the way he looked at him, ********, just - the kicker here was that Tolliver didn't even realize what he ******** did to him.
"Tolli, don't gimme that 'try' bullshit - " he groaned playfully, sliding his hands up to Tolliver's shoulder blades and then back down to his waist again. " - don't make me get all ********' Yoda on your a**."
Then, he was tracing the lines of Hitch's mouth again, and he even if he didn't understand why Tolliver kept doing it - no, more specifically, why he seemed to like doing it - he didn't really mind. His eyes slid shut for a moment, opening again with Tolliver's tentative little question, those touches hovering over his split lip.
"Oh." Hitch blushed, and hard, completely taken aback by the worried look Tolliver was giving him. There was a moment where he looked truly and utterly surprised; he wasn't used to that look anymore, especially not for something so small. He quickly masked it with a warm, reassuring smile, even as his stomach fluttered and his cheeks burned. "No, you didn't. Not at all, " he soothed, reaching up to wind his fingers into Tolliver's hair. "It's fine. - it was worse when I got it - "
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 12:13 pm
Tolliver was much too busy wallowing not only in his own insecurities, but also too busy basking in everything that was Logan Hitchcock to realize the expression on his own face. He shivered at the movement of his hands, eyes fluttering shut briefly, distracted by how they felt against his back.
"Okay," he said, and this time he let out a soft sound that might have actually been a laugh, a smile touching at his lips. It felt almost peculiar to even feel this lighthearted - smiling was not something Tolliver did often - but he found he was starting to do it more. "Okay. I'll text you more, promise."
His fingers fluttered against Hitch's mouth, and he didn't even know why he kept doing it himself, except that he liked to trace the lines of his face, liked to feel the warmth of them against his skin. He curled them away after a second, the blush and the surprised look on Hitch's face taking him aback, making his own flush grow.
Tolliver's eyes fluttered at the fingers in his hair, tilting his head into Hitch's hand. He was still concerned, but tentatively he bent and pressed a soft, gentle kiss to Hitch's lower lip, his own hands light against the sides of his jaw.
"I'm sorry," he murmured as he drew back to look at him. "If I ever...hurt you, I mean, that is to say..."
He was flustered, embarrassed.
"A kiss to make it feel better...right?" he mumbled, averting his eyes, face heating further at his own boldness.
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