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'You're going to hate yourself for this.'

'Yes, fantastic, thank you undead peanut gallery of one. I didn't realize that betraying my entire moral code would make me hate myself. What would I do without you, Kidana?' The voice inside of Cami's head, her own, is snide and unfair. It's not Kidana's fault that Cami was quietly walking into the Deus dorms with a doomsday mission on her mind. It's not Kidana's fault that Cami has a shadow in her heart that she cannot turn into light.

But it's Kidana who refuses to allow Cami to lie to herself about what she's doing. Kidana who knows where this path leads, knows that nothing good can come from it, and is damn sick of listening to Cami feel sorry for herself. It kills her to listen to the woman cry herself to sleep every night for want of a pair of arms around her.

Standing four doors down from the one she wants to knock on the archer hugs herself as she looks down at the ground. There is a mental war going on but it's not with the voice of her bonded weapon, no. It's entirely, completely, with herself. After a span of time (as well as a few odd looks) she straightens and moves to the door.

Knocking briefly she waits until the door opens. What comes out of her mouth is all wrong, too raw, but it's Maebe Grace. What else is there but raw? "I hate myself for this."

Blanks were all that the redhead seemed to have these days. Over and over she told herself that she'd tried to live a life without Maebe Grace in it. Tried to give up her addiction to the woman that Cami was calling love. It was truly impossible to know whether or not it really was L-O-V-E in the most capital of senses. Never having seen it before, save perhaps in the marriage of her elder sister with Robert Morris, she wouldn't have known how to recognize it in herself or her relationships.

But she felt, that if it were anyone, it would be Maebe Grace Bertrand for her. There was no rationale, no explanation, nothing but a sick emptiness that had existed inside of Cami since she'd walked off the beach that night. Maebe had chosen to leave her, had chosen not to love her, and everything the Sun hunter believed told her she needed to stay away. Maebe had made her choice and Cami had to respect that.

Instead she had knocked on the door in a profound weakness, crawling back, needing more. Stepping into the room she struggled mightily with herself on what to say. What to do. "Can you close the door, please? I don't...this is hard enough to just say to you. I don't want to tell random islanders."

A major source of disagreement that had always existed between the two women was their idea of Cami's well being. Maebe had always insisted that she was a negative influence on that state of mind. Cami had argued, fiercely, that it was sometimes only Maebe's existence in her life that made any sort of well being possible. Often they had agreed to disagree or gotten distracted by another, just as passionate, activity.

Sitting now on Maebe Grace's bed the brown-skinned woman twisted fingers in her far-too-big cardigan. Like a balloon once her lips were released to talk Cami couldn't help but let the words spill out, fast and jumbled. Realizing half of them had been in Spanish, the other half in an accent so thick it was likely unintelligible, she repeated the words again. More slowly.

"I know you chose to leave. I know you want to leave. I just can't let you go." More twisting of delicate fabric before hands released to press over the blonde's. "I can't. I know it's selfish, I know it's disrespecting your choice, but I need you. I need you more than I think I've ever needed anyone." A scary admission, that, but not why she would hate herself. No, Camille hated herself because she didn't have the strength or fortitude to respect the choice of someone she cared about very deeply.

She was a monster.

Eyebrows knit in confusion at the idea of leaving being the right choice. "Right for whom? I wanted you to tell me that even if it was rough you'd still love me and we'd work through it in our own way. I didn't want you to throw me out of your life but I couldn't keep working things out by myself. I just knew that I couldn't make you work with me, for us. That's why..." A strangled sound stuck in Cami's throat as she dropped her chin flush to her chest.

For a long time Camille was quiet. Her hands were still warm against Maebe's, still firm, to reassure the blonde that she wasn't leaving. She was just thinking. Churning through words, through her own needs and emotions, trying to articulate things that Cami herself barely understood. "I need you to be my friend. I need you to let me lay my head on your lap when I'm having a bad day. I need you to lay your head on mine when you're having a bad day. I need you to talk to me about anything. Everything. I need you to eat my food, make a mess in my house, and I need you to disappear for three days because you need your space." Words were coming faster now but clear, painting a picture of how Cami had and would see their relationship in its most ideal form.

"I need you to sleep next to me at night because waking up and seeing you there, in the moonlight, makes everything in my chest feel painful and wonderful at the same time. I need your hands against my skin, your lips against mine, and I need insane, loud arguments that end in kisses. I need you to tell me what you are willing to give me and what you're not." Blue eyes welled with tears that she was fighting against like a flood current, one hand reaching up to knuckle beneath them both quickly as her breath shuddered out.

"I don't understand relationships. Not real, solid ones that last and last. I don't even think I know love but I love you. I don't care how you will have me, I just know that I need you to want me in your life. In any way I can be because I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. I can't do anything but think about how much I miss you and how much I need you in my life." A long breath, blown out.

The hug surprised her. Maybe it shouldn't have but Cami was fairly convinced that when her darling Maebe Grace had said she wanted to leave, she'd meant that this would never happen again. Even something so simple as a hug made her want to break down and cling, for she never, never wanted to let go. Cami's response was exaggeratedly, almost comically, slow. Arms came around the blonde to keep her close, fingertips tangling in the ends of thick blonde hair the way they always had when close enough.

The response to her ridiculous outpouring of needs, feelings, and doubts was more than she'd dared to hope for. Honestly she had expected to say such things to Maebe, an argument would start about how she asked for too much and how that wasn't what Maebe could give, any of it. But she could do that. I can do that shouldn't have been the most incredible four words in the English language but, for Cami, they were a miracle.

Sitting back slightly her hands cupped pale, tear-tracked cheeks so that their eyes could meet. Both of them were crying now but crying wasn't always bad. Besides, Maebe Grace was the only other person that she could trust with her tears besides Mimsy. It was alright to cry. "I can make do. All I need is for you to be your wonderful, beautiful, impossible self and to let me need you." Laughing between drops of tears Cami's bun wobbled with the rueful shaking of her head.

"This is me begging you to take me back. If you hadn't noticed."

Oh.

Cami's expression in the moment that Maebe made it clear that there would be nothing solid between them, romantically, ever again perfectly encapsulated that single, abrupt thought. Oh. Whether the word following that was 'no' or 'well' was yet to be seen. Both could have worked to express the mental anguish that was the death of her hopes and dreams for a future with someone that she could love.

Sad, really, that the condition was only that Cami could love them. She was not idealistic enough any longer to hope that anyone could love her.

Hands dropped away, allowing the escape she'd whined for. "If you can't be in a relationship with me then that's fine. I want what you can give and I want you to tell me what you can't if I ask you for it. Just like now, just like a moment ago. I will be whatever you want me to be. A friend, a body in the dark, whatever. Whenever. On your terms because I don't care what you give me. I just want you." It was as simple as that.

Would it hurt to have only what she was given? Yes. God yes! But she had decided, had accepted, that the pain of having some was better than the pain of having none at all. Even if she only got the scraps of Maebe's life tossed to her Cami would be able to sleep at night, would be able to go on with living and being a person again. It was horrible, it was selfish, to put that on Maebe. That Cami's personhood was condition subsequent to having this one woman in her life.

Cami would hate herself for this but she needed it. "Please just remember that I am going to stumble, and make mistakes, and be human. But I only want what you can give me. I don't want you to force yourself to be what you're not, to try to give me what you know you can't, because then it's not you. I just..." She trailed off, frustrated with herself, choked with emotion.

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to do this but it's so important. I can't give up."

Mimicking the Moon Hunter's motions Cami made a slightly rude, derisive sound. "I'm getting what I want. What more can I deserve than the thing I want?" Backwards logic that she knew was flawed but it sounded good. You could want something that wasn't right for you or, as Maebe had claimed, not good enough for you.

Mostly she just thought that sticking Cami on a pedestal was part of Maebe Grace's way of tearing herself down, using Cami as the comparison. The redhead was everything sweet, wonderful, deserving nothing but the best. The exact opposite of the blonde or something like that.

Slipping an arm around Maebe's waist to pull her into another hug Cami's voice was soft and warm, comforting in the tiny glow of happiness that had been re-ignited in her chest. "Try and you'll succeed. I promise." Cami was so very, very easy to please. Some quality physical time of any variety, a little bit of love, and that was it. That was all she needed.

Or, at least, she was trying to believe that. Maybe it would fall apart. Maybe it would be horrible. But they were going to try. And it was going to be wonderful because of that.