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 Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:18 am
When she came home, the very moment she closed the door, she started shaking. Her hands wouldn't stop moving, and she rose them up to look at them in disconnected disbelief. The shaking moved up to her arms, and her shoulders, and then she was down on the ground, because her legs refused to hold her anymore. Even they'd given up.
She felt them all. Every secret, every lie, every whisper, every scream. She felt the blood rushing in her veins and she felt them, every single one of them, there under the skin. She heard their voices, soft and gruff, loud and quiet. They were all coming back to her until there was nothing of her left, and she knew that was why all of this was happening.
She couldn't love right because there was no more her left to love.
Right now, Cami was probably crying, and rueing the very day she'd met her. She'd destroyed everything because she was a tattered mess, a sum total of a piece of others and zero of herself. Cami had loved her, always loved her - but the woman never understood that even that made no sense. There was no her to love. There was nothing. No one. Just the sum total of secrets and lies, shoved deep under her skin where they would always stay safe.
She couldn't believe how dumb it was that she wanted to kill herself, not so long ago, when in truth, she'd died a long, long time ago.
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Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:20 am
rejam Message to: ObadiahPlease. I know you're out there looking for her, but please. Please also be here, somehow. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to live, and you're the only one who understood. I want you to find her but I need you to help me find me, too. Quote: Message to: ObadiahPlease, you son of a b***h, please. She hated her phone. She hated that she had turned to the last place she'd ever wanted to, because his constant presence had annoyed her for so long, until she needed him. Then, then he was gone. Quote: Message to: ******** you. ******** that thing and all of its others. ******** everything.
He wouldn't have been able to help, anyway.
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Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:21 am
She'd started a million messages to Cami, and deleted every single one. She knew exactly what she'd do to her. She knew how easily she could destroy this one, single chance Cami had at a future, just because she was selfish, and lonely, and scared. She couldn't love Cami the way she wanted, but maybe she could be okay with a lie. Maybe Cami could love a lie for the rest of her life. If anyone could, it was her.
Just one word. Come. That was all she needed to say, and Cami would. She truly believed she would. Cami was the only person who had never disappointed her, in her entire life. She would come, if Maebe asked.
And then Maebe truly would be nothing.
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Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:23 am
It was the worst mistake. Looking through her phone's old, old pictures that she should have deleted long ago was just confusing her. Otto had her over his shoulder. Cami was laughing. Cami was making faces. Otto was fussing over their choices in decoration. Maebe was stealing Otto's chocolate stash. Cami was making a heart with her hands.
What the ******** was she doing? Was she just trying to kickstart something in her heart that refused to beat anymore? Or was she trying to convince herself that she'd made the right decision when she told Cami she couldn't see her without seeing Otto, too? Neither of those things were how she felt, when she looked at all of their old pictures. All she felt was aching, bone deep loss. It was like she was looking at pictures of people who had died, including herself. Those three were gone, dead and buried long ago, and yet Cami wanted her to see it differently so much and she'd tried, God how she'd tried.
She could be so happy if she could just start over.
One of the pictures wasn't a picture at all. It was a video. She pushed play, and instantly regretted it.
"Okay, now say it."
"I'm not saying it on there, Maebe."
"Come on, you grouch, I want proof in case someone ever calls me a liar when I tell them I've tamed the great and powerful Otto."
"Tell them to ******** off."
"I'll say it! Look here - See? I love you, Maebe Grace!"
She shut the video off quickly, and threw her phone against the wall. She heard the crack and let out a horrified gasp, scrambling to check up on it - but the only thing she'd done was crack a line down the front of the screen. When she turned it on again, it worked - and the video was on the screen, paused right at the moment where Cami, smiling effortlessly, was holding her hands up in the sign of a heart for her.
The crack went right through her, and right through the heart.
"Well, if that isn't irony." Maebe muttered, to the amusement of no one, including herself.
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